September 7, 2017

Haven’t been up to much lately.  Still sleeping mostly during the days and spending most of my nights wide awake.  So far it seems to be working.  I’ll have to make a point to be up earlier as the exterminator is coming to spray apartments tomorrow morning.  So I have been spending much of this evening cleaning up my place.  Even though I have been stable mental health wise, I did allow some clutter like dirty clothes and books pile up around the house.  Still have a little more to do.  But I’ll be up much of the night and it’s things I can do without waking the neighbors.

Haven’t been reading as much as I would like to lately.  Maybe the mind needs some time to absorb and process all the new information I’ve been taking in the last several months.  I haven’t even read that many online articles the last few weeks.  But I have always done my best reading in the winters.

I can tell the days are starting to get shorter and cooler.  And I enjoy it.  Won’t be too long until winter is here.  From Christmas until it gets really hot in early July have always been my favorite times of year.  Spring is usually my favorite season.  I even like winter, especially since it’s more socially acceptable to spend a lot of time at home and sleep more during the cold weather.  If I ever leave Nebraska, one thing I will miss is the distinct changes in the seasons.

Haven’t watched that much for TV this week.  I still try to avoid cable news channels as they usually report only bad news and nothing on what’s going well.  But good news doesn’t sell like bad news and mass media certainly isn’t a public service.  I guess what news and TV I do get is mostly internet based anymore.  Like many people I’d feel naked without good internet connections.  Maybe avoiding bad news and rude people are making me more stable than usual.  Sure it kills my social life, but if a person is going to be in a foul mood most of the time then I’m going to avoid that person as much as possible.  I’ve quit jobs in the past because of coworkers and bosses always being negative and angry.  I mean, we’re stuck doing a job together, make the most of it already.

Haven’t heard much from friends either.  But I have been largely avoiding Facebook for over two weeks now.  And I feel quite a bit more calm and relaxed because of it.  It just makes me sad and irritated both to see my friends and family in foul moods in things they really can’t do anything about.  Yes, it is possible to feel sad for someone and irritated with them at the same time.

It’s just been really quiet on my end for the last several weeks.  The insect spray man coming tomorrow is essentially the highlight of my day tomorrow and he’ll be here for only a minute or two.  But I should get the rest of my cleaning finished.  So long.

September 5, 2017

Been several days since I last wrote.  An update is in order.  I’m still sleeping more than I would like.  To see if I can change this around, I’m starting to sleep in a recliner.  When I slept in my recliner because of back pains, I would usually be awake shortly after sunrise and sleep only 6 to 7 hours per night.  As it is now, I have been sleeping 10 to 14 hours a night for much of the summer.  Something has to change.  Mentally I have been feeling well for months.  Since late summers are usually the toughest time of year for me, I have been reluctant to change much this summer.  As good as I have been feeling lately I haven’t wanted to change my meds or routines.  But this sleeping twelve hours a day and being up most of the night can’t be kept up.  My social life is hurting because of it and I haven’t been outside of my hometown all summer.  I have to make some changes.

I think some of my neighbors may be worried about me considering how little I socialize in my complex and how I often sleep during the days.  I try to keep out of peoples’ ways and keep to myself most days lately.  This is a change as I used to be more social than I am now.  I think I don’t socialize much mainly because of the paranoia I still sense when I’m around large groups of people or out in public.  Even though I have much of the depression and hallucinations of schizophrenia taken care of, I still deal with some paranoia and social anxiety.  I haven’t dealt with this level of social anxiety in several years like what I’m dealing with now.  Sometimes I’m even too anxious to run regular errands like buying groceries until I absolutely need to.  Needless to say, this isn’t healthy.  And with winter coming up, I’m just going to have to break out of this anxiety somehow and start buying more than a few days worth of food at a time.  Some winters we can get big blizzards that will shut things down for a couple days.  And of course ice storms also make traveling during the winter tough.  So I think I have no choice but to “feel the fear and do it anyway” and just start stocking up for when the weather turns cold in a couple months.  Fortunately I tend to be more stable in the winter and spring than summer and early autumn.

I haven’t had a regular counselor for several months.  Not because I was upset with my counselor or anything like that.  It’s just that I got stable enough I didn’t think I really needed it.  Mentally I’m stable and have been for months.  I still face some social anxiety and do feel anxious about driving somedays.  That’s the big reason I haven’t left my hometown all summer.

One of the good things about living as an adult with mental illness that I didn’t have in my late teens when this mental illness was just getting started is that I can still keep in contact with people real easy as opposed to twenty years ago.  I may sometimes rant about the abuses that people do with their Facebook and twitter accounts, but they are still good ways to keep in touch with people from my high school, college, and extended family.  I definitely regretted not going to my family reunion this summer, especially since my mother and father were the main hosts.  But the anxiety was that strong.  I know the anxiety exists in my brain and mind but the mind is strong enough that it can make anxiety real enough to be crippling in some cases.  I have friends who have problems with anxiety and depression too.  It breaks my heart that I often can’t do much to help them out other than being a sounding board and listen to them.  I tend to be a problem solver by nature, but sometimes things like depression, anxiety, and mental illness simply don’t have immediate solutions.