We got several inches of snow over the weekend. Of course with it being mid April the weather warmed up again within a day or two and I didn’t have to shovel my car out of the snow. Hopefully it will warm up for good now. Been spending too much time indoors and avoiding the cold for the last few months. And I think I’m finally getting cabin fever because of it. Took four months but it is finally starting to creep in.
I admit to staying home and not getting out much this winter. Other than a few days at my parents’ house in February I haven’t been outside of my town this winter. I’m glad my town is big enough to have everything I need and good delivery service. Yet it’s small enough it’s easy to navigate around when I’m inclined to want to drive. After many weeks of not wanting to leave my complex, I am now the total opposite. I want to get out and about. I think I’m getting burned out on phone calls, computer games, internet research, keeping in contact via social media, etc. I am ready to get out and interact in person again. I’ve spent enough time hibernating in my “cave.” I need to get out and about again.
Been a few days since I last wrote. But that is mainly because I really haven’t had any real ups or downs. I’ve been quite stable for several days. Haven’t felt any real anxiety or depression for any true length of time. I still spend most of my time alone without much for physical interaction. But I still interact with friends and family via phone calls and Facebook. I don’t mind being alone as much as I used to. It’s a routine that doesn’t cause me stress and anxiety. I just see no need to interact with my neighbors much as I really have no interest in talking about mundane things like weather and complex gossip. I just have no use for that kind of information I can pick up on my own within seconds. I don’t have to rehash the same mundane nonsense over and over again. It bores me and irritates me. I mean, seriously, please tell me something I don’t already know. Or better yet, tell me something that is interesting.
Naturally many people I have met over the years have thought I was aloof, arrogant, and anti social. This is mainly because I have interests outside of my home community, sports, and politics. It was tough growing up in an era before the internet in an isolated village. I was annoyed at how everyone in my village thought my business was their business. This bothered me even in grade school. I had always heard “If you’re not up to anything bad, it shouldn’t matter who knows”. No. Most people I knew and know today are really judgmental of anyone outside of the accepted norm. I am outside of the norm on just about everything. Playing football in high school was probably the only thing I did growing up that many people would have thought normal. No I don’t like mindless chit chat. No I don’t like chasing women. No I don’t like most of what is on tv. There’s a lot of things I like that most people don’t care at all about. I like discussing the possibilities of future science and technology. I like discussing history. I like discussing philosophy. I like discussing classical literature. I like writing. I like reading. It seems that most people I know haven’t read a book since high school. And if any of likes or dislikes makes me appear as an elitist intellectual snob, than so be it. We need more people who try to think rather than just through life sub conscious.
None of these social problems are made easier by having schizophrenia. But at least having mental illness and problems socializing has taught me who is and who isn’t trustworthy. I may not have lots of social contacts, but I do have some amazing family and friends. And in the end, isn’t that what life is all about?
Got a few things done over the weekend. I renewed my lease on my apartment. I did this because my lease was going to expire in May and if I do move it won’t be until late summer at the earliest. Also got new license plates for my car. My state changes the designs every few years. And for the first time in years Nebraska has plates that aren’t sensory overload 🙂 Simple is good sometimes.
I’m still feeling quite stable mentally. I think I finally cured my problems of sleeping too much. I usually sleep only six hours a night now and nap for an hour in the afternoons. Haven’t felt any real depression or anxiety for a few weeks now. I go sometimes get lonely as I don’t have much for intelligent conversation in my apartment complex. Outside of my landlady, I don’t get much for interesting conversation. Most people in my complex seem to be content to complain about how they don’t get enough in social security or about the antics of fellow tenants. Well, it’s not my fault some of these people spend so much money on cigarettes and lottery tickets. And it’s also not my fault that some people allow themselves to worry themselves sick over things that don’t matter. It just gets old after awhile having the same conversations about the weather or who did what to whom.
I admit to isolating more than is healthy. At least more than is healthy for most people. But I never really have enjoyed socializing. Let me take that back, I enjoy socializing with certain types of people. I enjoy socializing with intellectuals, avid readers, and people with a wide range of interests. I just don’t get that very often. I have never gotten that very often, especially when growing up. I did get to socialize a great deal with interesting, intelligent, and well read people when I was in college. College was the happiest five years of my life. Unfortunately it was also a temporary environment. I have never met the range of people and intelligences I met in college since. It’s not even close.
The older I get the less chances I have to socialize. Many of my well read college friends now have careers and families, so I don’t get to see them very often. Even my friends without children I don’t get to talk to as often as I would like. Right now the big thing saving my sanity and keeping my social life alive is participating in group forums on Facebook. Sure I’ll never get to meet those people as we are spread all over the world, but I still get to have some kind of socializing with people I can relate to.
I don’t enjoy going to bars on Saturday nights. I don’t enjoy talking about sports or politics for hours on end. I never cared for people who complained about their jobs or spouses. I guess I am ultimately not someone you would want as a dinner guest. I just have little use for small talk about mundane nonsense. I imagine that makes me look like a show off to most normal people. But I’m really not showing off that much of what I know and can remember. I actually have to dumb down around most people. And I can’t stand it. That’s why I love the internet so much. I can much, much easier meet with people with similar interests than I could ever have imagined twenty years ago. The internet is a social God send for me. I don’t think I’d be as stable without the interactions I get from others through it.
The weather is starting to warm up and the days are getting longer. Spring will be in full effect within a few weeks. I am enjoying the warmer weather. I’m getting out of my apartment a few times a day to enjoy the warmer weather. During the course of the winter I have gotten lazy about cleaning my apartment. So a few days worth of spring cleaning is in order. Unfortunately I let my house kind of slide for the colder winter months.
Baseball will also be starting in a few weeks. I still have several days to do some research before I have to pick my fantasy league baseball team. Been watching a few pre season games the last few days. First time I really watched regular tv since the Super Bowl. February has always been a slow time of year for me.
Been feeling pretty stable mentally overall. I have started to wake up earlier as I no longer sleep until noon every day. I don’t sleep as much and I think my body and mind are starting to reenter spring mode again. I’m not staying up as late either. Seems to me that my overnight mentality is strongest in the darker days of winter.
I can tell that spring is almost here and winter is all but done. The weather is warming up, the nights aren’t as long, daylight saving time will begin next weekend in my country, the trees are starting to bud, the grass is a little greener, and it seems that the people around me are getting in better moods as the weather warms and the days get longer. I had dealt with so many foul moods over the last few months I pretty much isolated for most of the winter. I just didn’t want to deal with angry people anymore. But even the people in my life are starting to act more cheerful and optimistic.
Even though I have been making a point to leave my apartment several times every day I still haven’t worked up to taking an extended road trip. I haven’t been outside of my town since last fall. I actually made it through the winter with having to fill my gas tank only once I drove so little this winter. But I think since the weather is starting to warm I may have to make a few trips. It has gotten old spending most of my time at home and having the bulk of my social interactions taking place over phone and internet.
I am looking forward to spring. I am glad that winter is all but over. Won’t be long now.
Haven’t written in awhile. But I guess I haven’t had much to report. Been quite stable for a few weeks now. I still sleep a great deal, mainly after I stay awake quite late. I haven’t really gone anywhere for most of the winter. We haven’t had as much snow as previous years and we have probably seen the worst winter is going to offer. It did help that our traditional mid winter thaw was longer than usual, lasting almost two weeks. I was able to spend more time outside and been out of my apartment more the last two weeks. We have probably only a month of cold and icy weather left before spring comes into full effect.
It’s been a quiet and lonely winter for me. I haven’t had house guests since Christmas and I haven’t had much for conversation with my neighbors this winter. I think my social skills are deteriorating as a result. But I have gotten to where I actually prefer to be alone with my thoughts, my writings, my computers, and my reading and research. And I have gotten to where I really don’t mind sleeping ten hours a day. I imagine as the days continue to get longer I’ll start sleeping less. I usually sleep a lot in winter.
I haven’t really been depressed or irritable for weeks now. I don’t know if this is because I avoid socializing or just avoid confrontations overall. I still don’t watch any traditional tv and haven’t for weeks. If it wasn’t for my video games I wouldn’t even own a tv. Overall I’m getting by on little in terms of material possessions and trying to enjoy everyday as much as possible.
My life has been essentially quiet and uneventful since Christmas. We had a pretty cold January and early February so I didn’t really go anywhere except to pick up groceries and house supplies for the last two months. We had our traditional mid winter thaw the last week or so. So I’ve been spending some time outside watching the squirrels and birds. I see the cranes and Canadian geese are starting to migrate back. They are usually quite thick near my town from the last week in February until middle March. I’m going to take a few hours sometime next week and just watch the birds along the Platte River just outside my town like I do every March.
I traditionally love to travel and see new places. But I haven’t been outside of Nebraska since my friend Matt’s wedding almost two years ago. And I can tell that the lack of travel and new experiences are making me stale and itchy. Believe it or not, I really don’t like the sedentary lifestyle. When I still held traditional jobs, I usually did my best at jobs where I was moving a lot and it didn’t matter if I got sweaty or dirty. I admit that since I had the sedentary lifestyle forced on me, first by my car accident and then spending a summer with a messed up back, I have gotten lazy. And by getting lazy I can tell I have lost much of my stamina and enjoyment of just doing simple things like walking around the park or going to the all night deli to pick up some Chinese food. I have recently started going back to the all night deli more often, especially if I’m going to be up late.
I am still not as active as I would like to be, but I can tell that it is beginning to come back. I am traditionally not very active during winters, at least not physically. I usually read a lot and have traditionally done some of my best writing work during the winter. Most of the books I read this winter were about future technology trends and popular science. I also listen to a lot of audiobooks and current events type lectures on youtube. I tend to utilize youtube and my books more in winter than the spring or fall. Traditionally during the summers I do most of my errands in the morning than spend the hottest parts of the afternoon reading and writing. But I still do the bulk of my brain work during the winter.
I can tell that the lack of physical activity and travel is making me easily bored. It is also tough in that I haven’t seen my close friends or family at all since Christmas. I fear that I’m losing my social skills. I don’t socialize much with my neighbors in my complex as I have little in common with them. Most of my neighbors are senior citizens or people with physical disabilities that can’t do much of anything. I don’t know many people in here with mental health issues who are still in reasonably good physical health. It is kind of lonely in here as far as socializing goes. I can also tell that the lack of socializing and physical activity has taken a toll on my physical health. I just hope that once spring sets in a few weeks from now, I’ll be able to get more active again.
Bought groceries and cleaned in my apartment this morning. I was running low on food supplies as it’s been too cold, snowy, and icy to go much of anywhere for most of the last week. I’m currently taking a break from my cleaning to give an update as to what I’ve been up to for the last several days when I was home bound.
The weather started turning real cold around Tuesday of last week. It had rained much of Monday so it was in icy mess. We had a few inches of snow on Wednesday so that gave me even more incentive to stay home. It was bitterly cold Thursday, Friday, and Saturday. I stayed home, read a lot, played some computer games, and at sparingly for most of last week. I walked the halls a few minutes at a time every few hours just so I wouldn’t spend all day sitting or laying down. I remained in good mental health even if I was sleeping more mainly out of boredom. I washed several loads of laundry early in the week just to break up the norm for a couple hours. For the most part I was content to wrap up in my bed and sleep in until late morning most of last week. It was too cold to go anywhere and I didn’t have much else going on.
I’ve been spending most of this day so far cleaning in my apartment and buying groceries. I still have some cleaning left but as long as I get it finished today I’m in no real hurry. I had been kind of lazy about cleaning during the recent cold snap. But now that it’s starting to warm up I see being more active and not just staying inside all the time. So far this has been one of the coldest winters I can remember in the last several years. We have missed out on most of the snow but not on the cold and wind. But we have another two and a half months of winter left. And mentally I haven’t been this stable for prolonged periods of time since my grandmother died in August 2015.
I’m still healing from my back pain. I’m able to walk short distances again. I was able to run some errands three days ago so I don’t really have to leave my apartment for the next several days. But since my back is clearing up I really think I should be back to normal within a few days. I’ve been sleeping in a recliner the last few nights to rest my back. The last time I try to sleep on my back I could barely get out of bed. My routine has definitely been thrown off since I hurt my back. And the worst part is I don’t know what I did to cause my back pain.
The weather has gotten much warmer just about the time I hurt my back. Haven’t been able to get out and enjoy it at all. I usually go to the park several times a week during the summer. Haven’t been able to do this for almost two weeks. Makes me feel like I’m missing out. But I can’t rush this recovery. I tried to rush things a few days ago and it set me back at least a day.
Been holding up mentally during most of this process. I’ve had a few moments of depression and irritability during those times of weakness. When I first hurt my back I thought I’d need two or three days of ibuprofen and ice and I’d be back to normal. Didn’t turn out that way. I haven’t had crushing bouts of depression during the last week and a half I’ve been mending from this injury. I’ve had more boredom than anything. But even with the boredom I haven’t called friends much during this injury. I just haven’t had much to talk about with my friends during the last several days. That’s probably the most depressing part of the whole deal. Being on the mend has made me really feel like I’ve lost connection to my neighbors, my community, and my friends. I haven’t done anything socially since I hurt my back. It really has been boring. Fortunately I haven’t had any relapse of the psychiatric problems in these last days.
I have pretty much spent most of my days playing computer games, watching youtube videos, and watching baseball games. Not exactly really thrilling but there’s only so much I can do until my back returns to normal. I have called my parents every other day to have some resemblance of a social life. I can’t wait until my back finally clears up. This certainly has made me appreciate my physical health more.
No we don’t usually get to see the Northern Lights in Nebraska, but this is a cool picture anyway. Where I live we are in the middle of winter. Been a typical cold winter. Haven’t had any major snow storms but have had several small snows. Haven’t gone anywhere for the last few days because of the ice and cold. It gets dark by 6pm and doesn’t get light out until around 8am this time of year. So I have long, drawn out nights to just sit and be anxious. To try to ward this off I usually walk in the hallways for about 15 to 20 minutes every night, usually around 10 or 11 pm. If I go too early, I’ll be dodging too many people to get a good walk in. It’s too bad my apartment complex doesn’t have a small exercise room or even a treadmill in the community room. Stuff like this would run a high risk of being vandalized in here. I’ve seen just about everything come up missing in this complex. People have stolen even house plants and door mats. I’d have tenants trying to pirate my wireless internet if it wasn’t a private, password protected network.
If I sound a bit irritable it’s only because I’ve been home bound for a few days. I admit to drinking too much coffee on cold days to warm myself up. Not only am I on a caffeine crash, I’m also a little bored by being inside. In America we have a slang term called “cabin fever.” This merely means that a person is getting irritable and anxious from being forced to be inside most of the time, usually during the winter. I imagine it was an old pioneer and homesteader term. While we have only a few inches of snow on the ground, the ice is still pretty bad. I saw two tenants slip in the parking lot just today.
But I did get to spend a little time outdoors just last night. We had a good snow last night with almost no wind (a rarity in Nebraska where we usually have wind almost all the time in winter). Just sat outside and watched the snow for an hour. May not sound like much but with a mental illness even the little things can bring a sense of peace and calm.
Not much going on during the winter months but short days, long nights, trying to squeeze in a few minutes of walking whenever I can, arm weights three nights a week, some youtube, and computer games. It’s nights like this that make me look forward to the spring months of April, May, and June, my favorite times of the year.
Hi there, thank you for checking out my blog page where I write about Bipolar, adhd,bpd and ptsd which I struggle with daily. This blog is to both educate and give others hope. I also write about my drug addiction in hopes of giving other people encouragment and hope for a brighter, annd better future.Thank you. sincerly, Emily Thorn.