Currently in the middle of my spring cleaning. It’s not going as fast as I would like it to though. My lower back flares up after being on my feet for awhile so I have to go slower than I used to. I am beginning to fear that lower back pain is something I’ll be fighting for the rest of my life. One of the reasons this is turning into a bigger than usual job is that I wasn’t keeping up on the cleaning and maintenance this winter like I had in years past. I didn’t keep up on it because of the back pain and occasional bouts of depression to where I didn’t want to do anything but read and watch youtube videos. I went through a lot of that last fall and this past winter. I don’t know if it was the weather that had me depressed or if the illness was flaring up in different ways than previously. I did go through bad bouts of paranoia when I would sometimes go two to three days in a row without leaving my apartment. I don’t get the paranoia nearly as bad anymore. I don’t know if the weather turning warmer or just the natural cycles of my schizophrenia is causing these changes.
It’s not that I was lazy about my upkeep just because I was lazy. I have lived on my own more or less for fourteen years and I always made a point to keep my place picked up and better looking than most bachelor pads. I think the mental illness was effecting me more this last fall and winter than I would have cared to admit. Looking back on some of my winter writings I was really paranoid and too often had delusional feelings of persecution that, in reality, were alive only in my stressed and diseased mind. I have to admit as my paranoia can flare up worse than in years past and with my physical health not as robust as it once was, I have to bring in outside help. I am convinced I’ll need to reconfigure my budget and hire a regular cleaning service. Sometimes I’d be depressed about the apartment looking shabby and the apartment looked shabby because I was too depressed and paranoid to do anything about it. I know I can get back on top of my current issues. Living on my own for fourteen years I have proven to myself and others that I can even if it takes me a little longer than many average people. It’s just a matter of doing so.
I know that sometimes in my blog I probably appear over optimistic about having schizophrenia and being an adult in general. Sometimes that is be encouraging to the readers, sometimes I write things I need myself to hear. I imagine I have been overly optimistic when I wasn’t in the grips of paranoia and delusion this winter.
In other news, I think I’m starting to lose weight again. I can tell my clothes are fitting looser and my back pain isn’t as intense. As far as my diet goes, I have cut out pasta, rice, and bread. I eat mostly grilled lean meats and vegetables anymore. And I think I’m starting to see some results. I want to get back on top of everything that slid during my fall and winter bouts of depression, paranoia, delusions, and anxiety. At least I no longer feel anxious when I hear footsteps in the hallway. So that’s a start.
I am no longer sleeping ten to twelve hours a day. Instead I’m now averaging about six to eight hours of sleep. Even though I usually sleep only three hours at a stretch, I still feel pretty rested overall. I’m getting a little more active with each passing day now the days are long and the weather is getting warmer. I have noticed I have some aches and pains, namely in my back and thighs that make walking for more than several minutes at a time painful. Obviously the inactivity of a hard winter took it’s toll on me. I changed my diet a couple weeks ago. I think I’m starting to notice some difference. I’m not as lethargic, I don’t get irritable as easily, I need less sleep, and I’m getting to where I actually want to socialize a little every day. I still have days I want to just stay home, read books, watch youtube, and play computer games. But with the better weather, I actually want to get out of the house.
I’m currently in the middle of my spring cleaning. It’s kind of slow going as I still have the unexplainable aches and pains that don’t allow me to work as long as I once could. Even as recently as five years ago I could spend several hours on my feet without a break. Not so anymore. I now understand why older workers aspire to desk jobs once their careers get going strong. At this point I’m glad I can do a blog while sitting down. I just can’t be on my feet all day like I could even a few years ago. I’m sure a lot of this is due to weight gain. And I gained the weight through inactivity while depressed and anxious. Many of the psych meds out there do have weight gain as a side effect. But I guess I would rather have a sharp and stable mind with a weakened body as the other way around. It’s sad that mental illness often involves trade offs like this.
I am adjusting to the warmer weather and increased activity of spring. It is a slow and sometimes painful process as my body doesn’t recover from pain as fast as it once did. I knew this was going to come eventually, but I was hoping I could have put it off for a few more years. It’s kind of a pity that I start falling apart physically right at the time I am figuring out what I’m good at and where I fit in society. But I suppose every one goes though this as they transition into middle age. I miss the vitality I had in my early twenties but I certainly don’t miss most of the younger years drama. I’m ready to move into mid life.
Been having some truly down days for the last week. Finally had a breakdown a couple days ago. I hate those. Seems to be the only way out of those is to just rant and rave to an empathetic person, namely my parents. I am thankful I didn’t have said breakdown in public, otherwise I’d be in jail or dead. It saddens me to read stories like the one about the kid at Georgia Tech getting killed by police while undergoing a breakdown. Now I know most people don’t care about the mentally ill, I get that. It’s tough to relate to problems you can’t see or imagine. But it does scare me that this kid could have been me if past situations were a little different. Now I don’t hate police officers, I have a couple in my extended family. I know they have a difficult and thankless job. But I just fear them. I fear people with power. I’ve seen people with power abuse it too many times. Makes me fear that power is supposed to be abused and that normal people respect those that abuse power more than those that don’t abuse their power.
I guess that I am still depressed and fearful. I know it’s not manly to feel fear and depression. It’s seems like it’s not manly to feel anything at all. My breakdown wasn’t helped any that I finally had to deal with internet trolls on my blog’s Facebook page. I didn’t write back to them, I just blocked them. Seems to be the only real effective way to deal with fools and bullies online. Seems to me that Facebook brings out the worst in people. As much as I love science and tech, I truly fear for our species when mind reading tech is perfected. I fear this far more than I do AI our automation taking millions of jobs. Maybe we won’t solve our current problems. I just fear what the average person is capable of anymore.
Been kind of housebound for the last couple days. Fortunately not because of depression or anxiety, but because of the “end of the month blues.” So I pretty much stay home and keep in contact with people via Facebook and cell phone. As a result of staying home so much, I’ve been able to avoid rude people. I am pleasantly surprised when I meet polite people who know what I’m talking about when I refer to science, tech, or science fiction. One example was the pizza delivery man who recognized that I was playing Skyrim on my Play Station. He even asked me if I had the expansion packs. Unfortunately no, I’ll have to save up for those.
Lately I spent some money to promote the blog. I think it’s working. My friend Matt, the high school history and economics teacher, keeps telling me he thinks it’s possible that I could get picked up by a large service if I keep at this blog. Personally, I think that’s a small possibility A very small one. But if I was doing this mental illness blog for money, I would have given up a long time ago. As long as I can keep on my budget and stay out of debt, I don’t care if I make money from this blog.
Even though I’m low on money with a few days of the month left, I was fortunate enough to have enough food and supplies built up to carry me over the finish line. It’s the first month in a long time that I ran low before the end of the month. Normally I’m better at budgeting than this. But August is a new month and I can start over. I’m glad I didn’t have to go into debt to make ends meet this month. Some people I know can’t claim that. I am so glad to not be in debt. It makes living on disability insurance much less stressful. And if a person were to really look at it, one can live pretty cheap if you plan ahead.
Because I have no debts and a few emergency supplies, I can ride out months like this with unforeseen expenses and being too free with the money. I probably shouldn’t have ordered pizza delivery when watching the US national soccer team those two times. I probably shouldn’t have bought those two computer games. Maybe I shouldn’t have promoted the blog. But I won’t look back with regret. I had some reserves in case of emergencies (or frivolous spells) like what I just went through. Of course I’ll have to rebuild those reserves, which won’t take long. But I am glad I had those reserves built up months ago in case months like this happened.