Been staying close to home lately. Still sleeping more than I would like. But I guess I need it. I enjoy the longer nights. Won’t be too long and the leaves will be turning and the weather will get cold. Spend much of my weekends watching football and grilling my own home based tale gate. Made bacon and cheddar brats last weekend.
Been feeling more stable lately. Might be because I’m sleeping more and enduring less stress lately. Haven’t heard from my neighbors much lately. Sometimes drama gets started in these tight quarters and people have too much free time. Even though I’m on disability I try to stay busy. Some days it’s nothing more than reading science articles online or messing with my computer. I still lift weights three days a week at least. I’m noticing a difference after a few months of this. I’ve been stable enough I haven’t had to adjust my meds for almost six months now.
So far this fall has gone pretty good even though I don’t socialize much in person. It gets boring hearing my neighbors complain about things they won’t or can’t do anything about. I have my problems, sure, but I don’t feel I have a duty to share them with everyone whether they want to listen or not. I can only handle a few minutes of complaints, gossip, or drama before I’m ready to go back home. I spent much of my younger years as a pessimist. I’m not going back. If I have to be a hermit to avoid negative and toxic people, so be it.
I’ve been having problems with trolls on my personal accounts the last few days. I don’t understand why complete strangers act as if it’s their God given responsibility to harass and torment people they don’t agree with. It got especially bad last night when I was talking with an old friend of mine and I was getting trolled by one of her friends just because we didn’t agree on some things. Can’t even have a conversation with a friend without being harassed it seems.
Anyway last night, mainly out of frustration and depression, I wrote an anger laced blog entry but fortunately thought better of posting it. Once I got that depression out of my system I decided I wouldn’t post the entry. I learned about this strategy years ago from an old Dale Carnegie book. I was angry and hurt but posting that entry probably would have made things worse. I got my words out of my system, spoke until I had peace, and then trashed the entry so I couldn’t post it.
With a mental illness feelings of anger, sadness, and anxiety are going to be stronger than the general population. I have to remind myself of this on a daily basis. Some things that other people may forget about after a few minutes I’ll agonize over sometimes for hours. I have also been known to remember slights and hold grudges for years. I’m sorry for this. It is one of the curses of having a good mind and a mental illness at the same time.
In short, having feelings of frustration and depression is part of having a mental illness. Sometimes a person needs to vent. One of those ways is to write it down long handed and then trash the notes. Another is through counseling where you vent to the counselor. They are trained to deal with strong and unpleasant emotions, far more so than average people. By writing down your feelings and fears or talking about them with a professional counselor is a safety valve way of expressing your feelings with as little damage as possible. Harsh and unkind words cannot be unspoken and anything written on the internet is practically irreversible.