Tag Archives: marriage and mental illness

Looking Forward to Autumn, Friends and their Mid Life Crises, Dealing with Extreme Weather, and Refusing To Tolerate Stupid and Rude People Anymore

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Saw my general practitioner a few days ago. My blood pressure is stable and good. Everything else seems to be going alright. School started here in Oklahoma City last week. My parents will probably be going to school activities again once the weather cools down. With as hot as it’s been the last several days, it’s hard to believe that autumn is only a few weeks away. First college football games start next week. I guess I’ve lost interest in most sports besides the Olympics and World Cup. My interests have changed as I aged.

Haven’t had much contact with most of my friends all summer. Seems like most of them are going through midlife crises and are very angry and upset all the time. I’m grateful I went through my worst trials in my twenties. I don’t think I could start over at this point in my life, certainly not while fighting schizophrenia and heart failure. I still get depressed and despondent a few times per week. I definitely don’t like socializing in person. Most people are too obnoxious, rude, and angry anymore. My parents went to visit my brother and his family a few days ago. I made the point of not going to see them. I just hate socializing with people who refuse to back down and try to make everything a battle. I have enough inner battles of my own.

My best friend is suffering really bad right now. She’s always depressed and irritated. Has been for a couple of years. But this is worse than normal. I reach out to her when she goes on about no one reaching out, but she goes almost silent when I do try to get her to open up. It’s depressing to watch my friend of 30 years on the downward spiral. I try to tell her family that this isn’t normal. Naturally, no one is listening. It has always angered me when people ignore obvious facts. I never understood the line of thinking that a problem will go away if it’s ignored long enough. I swear, no one learns from the mistakes of the past or even their own. It’s really aggravating. It’s like some people want to self-destruct.

I sleep a lot in the afternoons lately. Helps me to avoid the worst of this summer heat wave. We knew climate change was coming for decades. We didn’t do enough to prevent it, let alone adapt to it. I am encouraged that renewables and next generation nuclear is being rapidly adopted. It still angers me that my nation pulled out of the Paris Climate Accord.

It also angers me that many of my countrymen (including most of my family) actively fight against the rebuilding and reinforcing of our nation’s infrastructure. I get that maintaining water systems, power plants, and highways aren’t as sexy as spending taxpayer money on defense and advanced research, but seriously, who doesn’t need clean running water or highway bridges that won’t collapse. We in the US have known our roads, railways, power grids, etc. weren’t keeping up with demand for many years. Only now are we truly addressing it. We’re also starting to bring back much of our manufacturing (granted it’s primarily done by machines). Interest rates are finally going back up, which they were artificially low for at least 20 years. I heard people complain about low interest rates. And now those same people are complaining about rates going up. Make up your minds already.

This level of insanity and cognitive dissonance are two big reasons I refuse to attend social functions anymore. It’s absolutely painful to listen to people howl on about things they know nothing about. I know nothing about quantum physics or marathon running, but I won’t comment on either one. Neurotypical people are absolutely frustrating. They aren’t even worth the trouble anymore, at least not as far as I can tell.

It’s one of the reasons I’m actually kind of glad a new place hasn’t opened up for me. At least here in the suburbs I don’t have to socialize if I don’t want to. At least I have some privacy, even if I do live in my mom’s guest room. Yes, I am a 43-year-old schizophrenic man living with his mom and dad. Never mind that I lived on my own with this diagnosis for over 18 years. I should be ashamed to live with my parents because so many people tell me I should be. But I’m not. Most people have zero clue with mental illness means. It’s one of those things no one will understand until it affects them personally or someone they care about. But cases of mental health problems are increasing. And they will continue to increase until we stop shaming people for the so-called weakness. I am glad that mental illness is easier to talk about publicly now than 20 years ago. I just hope the younger people struggling with mental health problems don’t have to suffer alone like I did in my teens and twenties. It is not weak to talk about problems. Never has been.

In some ways I’m not really looking forward to moving out on my own again. It’s actually nice to have some help around the house now that my mobility is gone. Not having easy access to interpersonal assistance is the biggest regret I have about not getting married. Yet, the mental illness would probably have made me impossible to live with. That, and I think people give up on marriages, friendships, employees, jobs, etc. too easily anymore. I just didn’t trust anyone enough to believe they wouldn’t abandon me when things got bad. I never will trust anyone enough to believe they won’t abandon me when things get tough. Everything is conditional and negotiable as far as I’ve seen. That’s pretty much the story of civilization. Nothing lasts forever. Sadly, neither do friendships and marriages. And I certainly don’t trust my neighbors anymore. I’m really not looking forward to returning to public life.

If I had my way, I’d just stay in my parents’ house and take over after they die. I know social security disability will allow disabled people to own their own house. But I’m not sure I could afford the property taxes in the suburbs. There are lots of Uber drivers and public transit available even in the suburbs. My brother and his family probably aren’t moving, barring anything major. Electricity is quite cheap down here, probably be even more so if we got solar panels and backup batteries installed on the house. Some of my neighbors have those. Every time I go out on the town, I see at least one Tesla. It feels good to finally live somewhere that seems to actually want to be part of the 21st century. I’m loving it. Wished I would have moved here years ago.

Thought on Marriage, Social Relationships, and Life’s Callings

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I love being 40 years old. I enjoy that I no longer feel pressure to get married or have kids. I never could stand going to family gatherings and my old high school for home football games and have people asking me when I was going to start a family. People think I’m a liar for saying this, but I decided I wasn’t getting married when I was 18 and a senior in high school. For one, I saw that most married people I knew argued and fought all the time and about the pettiest crap. I still remember when I was 16 and my parents started arguing at the dinner table and I had just had it. I had a rough day at school already and I had a few hours worth of homework ahead of me that night already. I got up to just walk away, and they both shouted at me to sit down. Then they just went back to their argument like I wasn’t there. Sometimes when they argued, I’d yell at both of them just because I had enough. And my family was mild compared to most of my friends and extended family. Two of my high school friends and three sets of my cousins parents’ went through divorces in my youth. Seeing that scared me real bad. And I always heard this crap about how “you just gotta pick the right girl” or “love is all you need” or “love is forever” or “there is someone for everyone.” But I knew even in my teens I hated drama and fighting. I’d often hear that fighting makes relationships stronger and then I’d get punished for hitting my older brother or the neighbor kids. I always got mixed messages like that. I still do, though more through social media than my immediate family and friends. I love that I am no longer pressured to get married or have kids. It’s a pity almost no one respected my desire to stay unmarried twenty years ago.

I love that I can cut toxic people out of my life and not feel guilty at all about it. I may have fewer friends at age 40 than I did at age 22, but all of the friends I have are amazing. My best friend from college and I have never had a shouting match. Sure we’ve been irritated with each other many times but have never shouted at each other or ghosted each other. I’ve cut lots of people out of my life after we changed as people and after I figured out we weren’t good for each other. I’ve had to cut people out of my life that had been friends for years because we no longer shared the same values. I’ve even cut out family members. I find few things as irritating as going to family gatherings and hearing that one older relative rant on and on about the “damn kids” or that second cousin go on about politics or how much of an idiot his boss is. I don’t put up with toxic and rude people anymore. I would rather spend the rest of my life alone and in my apartment than socialize with toxic people. Anymore, most people I know are toxic. I refuse to put up with it. I don’t have to at this point in my life. And I don’t feel a shred of guilt for not socializing with people like that.

I love that I can do pretty much what I want for money, at least as long as I’m not breaking any laws. When I was a kid I was constantly asked what I wanted to do for a living. Originally I wanted to go into science research. I wasn’t really concerned with making lots of money. I enjoy what money can do as much as anyone, but it isn’t the primary focus of my existence. Another truth about me that most people think is a lie is that I decided I wanted to go to college when I was eight years old. The idea of being around well read people and getting to study things I wanted to sounded like winning the lottery in my eight year old mind. I always loved learning and reading. I didn’t have to be forced to read. Hell, I had to be forced to socialize with classmates. Mom and Dad were scared I’d never develop social skills if I just read books and made up stories in my back yard all day every day. Yet I still had a good social life in college, far better than what I had in grade school and high school. I’ve been accused of being anti social my entire life, but especially when I was a kid. The thing is I can talk with others all night about things like history, philosophy, economics, literature, science, and tech. But I can’t stand to talk about things like politics, the weather, sports, gossip, and school rumors. These things don’t interest me. Never have. Yet I was condemned for being anti social for not enjoying things like ballgames, county fairs, watching cable news, discussing politics, or the weather. I’ve never been anti social, I just have different interests than most people I’ve ever known. I’m thankful that the internet allows me to connect with people who have similar interests. I have more in common with people from my tech and futurist groups that I will never meet than I do my neighbors and most of my family. The internet is a godsend for the black sheep and small town eccentrics. It’s a pity I don’t have a couple hard core scholars or retired engineers living near me. In short, I love being a free lance independent scholar. Sure I will never get rich off my knowledge. Yet as long as I can pay my rent on time, keep food in the pantry, clothes in my wardrobe, keep my daily medications current, and keep the internet paid up, I don’t need much else. While I’m not convinced on the idea of previous lives or reincarnation, maybe I would have been wise to become a monk had I lived in medieval England. Maybe I could have been cured of mental illness and gone on to write parts of the Encyopedia Galatica if I lived in Asimov’s Foundation universe thousands of years in the future. I’ll never know. Being a scholar is like crime: It doesn’t pay and can land you in prison if you’re not careful. But, damn, I don’t know any other way to live my life.

Being A Man With Mental Illness

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I have spent most of my life alone.  The last time I had a roommate was my senior year of college in 2004.  Lived alone ever since.  Some days it’s all right, being free to do whatever I want and whenever I want.  Some days it is almost unbearable though.  The worst days are when I make multiple attempts to reach out to people only to be ignored.  Sometimes when I want to talk to someone, I’d rather it not be family.  As much as I love my family, they can be narrow minded and judgmental about some things.  Sometimes I feel like I can’t be my true self around them.  I severely censor myself or keep my problems to myself because I’m in no mood for a lecture or being condemned.  Irritates me that, even after twenty years of mental illness, I’m still blown off and told to “quit whining”, “be a man”, or “you’re so lucky.”  I still hear all of these quite often.  And people wonder why so many men never talk about their problems or make emotional connections to anyone.  Having a mental illness makes this only worse.

People have often asked me when I’m getting married.  I don’t usually have the stomach to tell them never.  Most of the time I want to tell them to shove off.  I never want to get married.  For one, my mental illness would make me a lousy husband and father.  Second, my mental illness makes it impossible for me to hold a job.  And let’s face it, almost no one respects a stay at home dad.  Third, I fear getting divorced and losing my family, my friends, my home, my prestige, just because I made the mistake of marrying the wrong person.  Fourth, why should I?  My entire life I heard this “I don’t need a man” or “You go girl” or “girl power”, etc.  Which I really have no problem with except that too many people build others up by tearing others down.  Why is it when I say I don’t need a woman living in my house I’m seen as weird and weak?  Why do women get to expand their roles beyond the traditional nurturers and home managers but men are expected to just stay in the moldy old days?  I don’t understand that.  It makes no sense.  What does the world really lose because I choose not to marry, have kids, or get myself an early grave trying to prove my worthiness for life at a job that ultimately means nothing?  Why do I have to prove myself all the time?  Why do I have to earn my humanity and manhood?  I really want to know.  And why, oh why, can’t we just leave people that don’t fit in alone and stop bugging them?  Will civilization collapse if everyone isn’t doing the exact same thing all the time?  No.  So stop expecting everyone to fit into some subdivision.