The Idea of the Renaissance Man and Woman and Thinking About Trying To Return To Find A Work From Home Job With Mental Illness

I’m up real late most nights. I usually sleep until late morning. Seem to do my best work in the overnight hours. It’s really hot during the days here. Still adjusting as it’s my first summer in Oklahoma. I hear from old friends almost daily, entirely over the phone and through social media. An old friend of mine is taking a break from social media for her mental health. I miss her. She’s one of the few people I ever met who had as wide a variety of interests as I do.

Since I have a wide variety of interests, it’s almost impossible to find people who have all the same interests. I guess that’s why I tend to compartmentalize my friendships. I have friends interested in history and economics, but not science and tech. I have friends interested in theology and literature, but not economics and geopolitics. I have friends interested in science and futurism, but not theology and philosophy. I’m interested in all these things. About the only things I struggle with are advanced mathematics, foreign languages, and do it yourself home improvements. I guess my goal is to be as close to a Renaissance Man as is possible in the early 21st century.

I have lots of interests. Always have. It’s why I have to have lots of friends for brainstorming. It’s odd that I have lots of friends now in my 40s when I was thought to be anti social when I was a child. I love people, especially a wide variety of people. I grew up in a town of less than 500 people, mostly in the pre internet age. I used to love the old Yahoo chatrooms. I still remember some of those conversations I had in my late teens and early 20s in those places. I try to stick to smaller groups on facebook for my interests to avoid trolls and arguments. Too many people just won’t let anyone disagree with them without trying to make it into a fight. I don’t thrive on confrontations. Never have. I don’t believe in fighting for fighting’s sake.

I was constantly accused of being anti social as a child. But, what was the point of socializing in a small town where everyone discussed the same things, dressed the same ways, believed in the same things, and looked the same. I’m not anti social. I just love variety. And I despise anyone who tries to tell me what to think. I don’t like attention from people I can’t relate to. It’s one of the good things about living in a metro area, at leas the one I live in. Most people just leave you alone when you’re out and about.

I tend to have problems with authority figures. I hate being told what to do, how to do things, what to think, how to think, how to dress, etc. I always have. I grew up in an area that valued conformity. I don’t conform to anything, at least not voluntarily. Probably why I failed in most jobs. I grew up in small enough areas that most of the jobs available where service sector jobs. Work from home was never an option, especially before the internet. It upsets me that many places are talking about doing away with work from home jobs entirely. Who benefits? Best traditional jobs I ever had involved not working with the public. It’s one of the reasons I’ve been so angry about many of the good paying manufacturing jobs in the US being outsourced for years. What about those of us who never wanted to be lawyers or retail workers?

Even though I don’t have ‘traditional employment’, I’m constantly busy. I probably spend at least 60 hours a week reading, listening to podcasts, watching educational videos, listening to seminars, listening to audiobooks, etc. And I couldn’t have done any of this had I not been on disability pension. I guess I’m an Independent Scholar/Digital Monk. Sure, I may make poverty level wages, at least by American standards. Yet I don’t feel destitute, especially now since I live in a metro area of over 1 million people. Overall, I am happier now than I have been probably since late 2014. If I ever regained my mobility, I’d be happier now than ever.

I started filing out online surveys for a few extra bucks here and there a few days ago. Will be getting my first payment direct deposit in a few days. Sure, it’s only like 5 dollars. But, at least I’m making a little money for sharing my opinions. It’s more than I ever made from doing blogs. Haven’t even made that much from traditional paperback books or ebooks.

I would love to work from home full time and try to get off disability. But my country doesn’t have Universal Healthcare. Probably never will unless there is a massive shift in peoples’ thinking and priorities. I just don’t see this happening anytime soon. It’s like some people actually want to make things tougher now than they were in the past. It’s backwards thinking. I’m not sure even how to get a work from home job as I’ve never held anything in a field that involved tech and internet. I never had the opportunity to.

I’m absolutely sure I am not the only person on disability pension who could do a work from home online job if only given the chance. I imagine many younger people on disability, the whole work from home jobs would be exactly what they need rather than a monthly pension at poverty level wages. Yet, many companies insist on doing away with work from home. Most government work programs for those on disability don’t involve work from home jobs, at least none that I have ever seen. This is short sighted and stupid.

I probably could work again given the right circumstances. But I haven’t worked for several years, at least not paid employment, because of a lack of options. I am certainly not lazy. My 60 plus hours a week of writing, reading, research, etc. should be proof of that. My research feels like all day play date instead of a traditional job. It actually feels like constant games. I even listen to audiobooks while I play computer games. Most computer games I love involve strategy and knowing some history, economics, and science. I’d even go as far as say I am convinced Independent Research and writing is what God, The Cosmos, etc. wants me to do with my life.

I Enjoy Adulthood Even With Mental Illness

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I must admit, I love being an adult.  I love the freedom involved.  I love having my own money and getting to decide how I get to spend it.  I love that I don’t have to answer to authority figures I didn’t choose.  If a boss was giving me static at a job, I could always look for a different job.  If a landlord was giving me a hard time, I always had the option of moving to a different place.  I love that I can do things like vote and go to casinos.  I enjoy that I don’t have to feel guilty for expressing my opinions and having my likes and dislikes.  I like that I can read whatever I want.  I love having privacy.  I enjoy not getting yelled at for trivial things like when I was in school or living with my parents.  I like the fact that I can avoid people who give me too much static.  When you are in school, you just can’t avoid bullies or sadistic teachers.  Sure I’ve had bosses and coworkers who were jerks and whiners, but at least I had the option of finding another job if I didn’t connect with said bosses or coworkers.  Changing schools is a lot tougher.

Even though I have been living with schizophrenia since at least age seventeen, I have found that it is getting easier to work around it the older I get.  The bad periods don’t last nearly as long nor are as intense as they were in my early twenties.  In my late 30s, I have come to the realization that I don’t have to be defined by what job I have or if I have a wife and kids or not.  I am not my job.  I am not less of a human being because I am not married.  Sure I still deal with people that tell me “mental illness is fake” or that “you’re not a real man.”  But as an adult it is much easier to blow those jerks and losers off and ignore them.  You think I’m faking mental illness, then screw you.  It’s not my job to meet your standards.  It is so much easier to not be bothered by criticism as a 36 year old than when I was 21.  I just hope that the older I get, the symptoms will become even less severe and I will care even less about naysayers and idiots.

I still isolate a lot and avoid socializing with my complex mates.  But I think I’m more mentally stable because of said lack of socializing.  When I was a kid people used to tell me I was being “anti-social” and had “attitude problems” because I didn’t like going to high school sporting events and county fairs.  There really wasn’t much to do in my farming village besides school events, church activities, and county fairs.  There was only one movie theatre in a fifty mile radius from my hometown. I didn’t enjoy watching people throw balls around much as a kid.  As an adult I really don’t have to feel guilty for not watching such things.  I do watch some college football and basketball tournaments just to give myself something to talk about with other people.  Most people still don’t like discussing science and technology in casual conversations.  But I haven’t been to any sporting events in person besides minor league baseball games in almost five years.  And I don’t feel the least bit guilty or anti-social because of it.  And as an adult I have these options.  That’s more than I had as a kid.

I don’t really understand people who are nostalgic about their youths or the past.  I might be a little nostalgic about growing up if I had more friends, was bullied less, and wasn’t so much of a social misfit in my school.  I am kind of nostalgic about my college years because I knew lots of smart people, had lots of interesting conversations, could do things at the spur of the moment with no planning, could study what I felt like studying, and had the legal rights and responsibilities of adulthood.  College was much more stimulating and enjoyable than grade school or high school.  Sure I never got to use my degree in a job, but I blame the schizophrenia for that completely.  And I am grateful everyday I can keep in contact with old friends through Facebook.

I love living in the here and now of May 2017.  Sure getting to this point was rough dealing with schizophrenia for almost twenty years.  Sure my physical health took a beating because my mental illness and the side effects of the psych medications.  But after twenty years of schizophrenia I have figured out how to deal with bad days and psychotic breaks.  I have also learned how to enjoy the small things of life more than many of my mentally stable friends and family.  Happiness for me is watching a sunset, or eating chicken wings at a sports bar with college friends, or seeing my niece and nephews for a few hours, or talking with my parents about history or technology, or reading internet sites like futurism.com or bloomberg.com about trends in science and current events.  I had my ups and downs with schizophrenia.  I had many breakdowns when I took a lot of grief out on my parents and friends.  Fortunately those breakdowns are getting less severe and shorter as I age.  I have had to go to the mental hospital twice. But both times I was self committed and my longest stay was one week.  I may not be able to hold a forty hour a week job, but at least I tried several different lines of work before I came to the conclusion that traditional employment wasn’t in my future.  And it’s not shameful to not hold a full time job, especially if you have a disability or find other outlets to give back to people.  I can still drive a car, I can still buy my own groceries, pick up my medications, keep appointments, and more or less live on my own even with mental illness.  Some people can’t claim that.  In short I love being an adult.  And I wouldn’t want to go back to my youth, even though I had more friends and better health in college.  Being an adult rocks.  It really does.