Currently in the middle of my spring cleaning. It’s not going as fast as I would like it to though. My lower back flares up after being on my feet for awhile so I have to go slower than I used to. I am beginning to fear that lower back pain is something I’ll be fighting for the rest of my life. One of the reasons this is turning into a bigger than usual job is that I wasn’t keeping up on the cleaning and maintenance this winter like I had in years past. I didn’t keep up on it because of the back pain and occasional bouts of depression to where I didn’t want to do anything but read and watch youtube videos. I went through a lot of that last fall and this past winter. I don’t know if it was the weather that had me depressed or if the illness was flaring up in different ways than previously. I did go through bad bouts of paranoia when I would sometimes go two to three days in a row without leaving my apartment. I don’t get the paranoia nearly as bad anymore. I don’t know if the weather turning warmer or just the natural cycles of my schizophrenia is causing these changes.
It’s not that I was lazy about my upkeep just because I was lazy. I have lived on my own more or less for fourteen years and I always made a point to keep my place picked up and better looking than most bachelor pads. I think the mental illness was effecting me more this last fall and winter than I would have cared to admit. Looking back on some of my winter writings I was really paranoid and too often had delusional feelings of persecution that, in reality, were alive only in my stressed and diseased mind. I have to admit as my paranoia can flare up worse than in years past and with my physical health not as robust as it once was, I have to bring in outside help. I am convinced I’ll need to reconfigure my budget and hire a regular cleaning service. Sometimes I’d be depressed about the apartment looking shabby and the apartment looked shabby because I was too depressed and paranoid to do anything about it. I know I can get back on top of my current issues. Living on my own for fourteen years I have proven to myself and others that I can even if it takes me a little longer than many average people. It’s just a matter of doing so.
I know that sometimes in my blog I probably appear over optimistic about having schizophrenia and being an adult in general. Sometimes that is be encouraging to the readers, sometimes I write things I need myself to hear. I imagine I have been overly optimistic when I wasn’t in the grips of paranoia and delusion this winter.
In other news, I think I’m starting to lose weight again. I can tell my clothes are fitting looser and my back pain isn’t as intense. As far as my diet goes, I have cut out pasta, rice, and bread. I eat mostly grilled lean meats and vegetables anymore. And I think I’m starting to see some results. I want to get back on top of everything that slid during my fall and winter bouts of depression, paranoia, delusions, and anxiety. At least I no longer feel anxious when I hear footsteps in the hallway. So that’s a start.
It’s been a rough last several days for me. I’ve been feeling quite depressed and hopeless for much of the last two weeks. I still don’t cook much as I’ve been eating mostly fast food for the last two weeks. That’s probably part of my problem right there; I just don’t have the motivation and energy to cook lately. I’ve been sleeping probably twelve hours a night for the last two weeks. Anymore I have to force myself to get out of bed and get out of the apartment.
Paranoia has been a problem too. I usually spend most of my days in my apartment doing internet searches or reading books because I’m scared of people anymore. I am afraid of them and my paranoid voices tell me that most people are stupid and not worth dealing with. The voices also tell me that people are violent animals who don’t know how to settle issues without violence. And then I go on Facebook and see violent news stories in my news feeds and people’s posts advocating violence against anyone who doesn’t agree with them. After months of a steady diet of negativity which I didn’t seek out, I’ve become despondent and hopeless. There are times anymore I don’t have any hope for the future of the human race or myself. Sometimes I can’t figure out how we as a species have made it this long. I hope I’m just paranoid and reading too much into news stories and people’s comments. I really hope it’s the paranoia that’s going full power and not the way people really are.
With not cooking for the last couple weeks, I really don’t have a healthy diet. No doubt I’ve gained a bunch of weight in the last few weeks. At this point I really don’t care if I ever do lose weight and get physically healthy. Losing weight isn’t going to cure schizophrenia. Losing weight isn’t going to get rid of my depression. I have no desire to work or date again. I’ve seen what messes both those arenas are and I want no more part of them. I really don’t care if I ever get healthy. I’m tired of fighting a losing battle. I’m tired of always having to watch my back. I’m tired of people being mean and angry all the time.
In an attempt to try to help myself recover from my current depression, I am going to attempt to avoid Facebook for the next several days. I’ll still have my blogs posted there as I’m on an automatic post to Facebook set up. It’s just depressing to see people snipe at each other and myself over the most trivial of matters. I’m depressed with how messed up most people’s priorities are. At least their posts indicate their priorities are out of wack. I guess I never completely learned that who people are online is not always who they are in real life. That’s another lesson I missed while in school that most people seem to have gotten. I’m just going to lay low and try to avoid social media until I’m feeling better.