Been weathering so so overall. I sometimes sleep out of boredom. Sometimes I’m kind of irritated and short tempered. I haven’t had any breakdowns yet though I’ve come close a couple times. I guess I’m starting to go stale and crazy from the forced inactivity.
Haven’t been able to lose weight this winter. Been having too many depressive days of not wanting to exercise and too much comfort food. At this point I’ve come to accept that I’m probably not going to lose weight while on anti psych medications. I’ve tried to for twenty years now. No success. Any weight I do lose I gain back within months. I’m terrified of going to a general practitioner anymore. I know I’m just going to hear the whole “Lose the weight or die” b.s. Well, no kidding. You try losing weight while on psych medications. And you try to manage severe schizophrenia without psych medications. I tried the herbal remedies when I was in high school. They did nothing for me. I even tried the Kevin Tredeau ‘natural cures’ b.s. before he was exposed as a fraud. I never want to hear about natural cures and how evil science and medicine is ever again.
Science and medicine is why we no longer have half of children dying before adulthood, you idiots! I hate people who make no effort to learn anything, especially science. And since I live in a nation where learning, knowledge, and wisdom are routinely damned by even our elected leaders, I just as well be living a real life Idiotocracy. It’s frustrating, it’s so frustrating. Makes me think there is no reason to be intelligent and knowledgeable, at least not in this current time and place. I’ve seen it my entire life. And it gets worse and worse every passing year. I’ve given up on my countrymen. And don’t give me the love it or leave it b.s. We already have nine million expatriates living overseas. It ain’t just USA and two hundred “hell holes” anymore, not that it ever was. This ain’t the 1950s, no matter how bad my elders want it to be. I’m just tired of seeing nothing but stupid and belligerent people all the time. I actually fake being in a foul mood sometimes just so I don’t look like a total weirdo to my neighbors and friends. Normal people suck. I refuse to be normal.
Another Independence Day has come and gone. We are now into the middle of summer. From now until usually mid September has traditionally been a tough time of year for me. I have usually been moodier and more short tempered during the heat of summer. I am usually good for one psychotic break down during the summer, usually in August or September. I have had breakdowns in October before too. But the two times I went to a mental health hospital were both in September. So as far as the calendar goes, I am beginning to trek into traditionally troublesome times.
I have been avoiding people, at least in person, for the last few days. I have been doing so well for so long that I don’t really want anything upsetting this winning streak I’m on. I don’t sleep as much as I used to, but I usually stay up all night until sunrise and sleep until noon most days anymore. That way I still get some sunlight during the day and get to enjoy the quite and solitude of night as well. Been spending most of my days reading articles online, watching science videos on youtube, talking to friends and family on the phone, and messing with computers. I don’t have much of for a social life, but that is by design. I can’t stand most small talk. I find talking about the weather, politics, and other people draining, boring, and even physically painful. I can’t stand talking about mundane and stupid crap I can do nothing about. Makes me glad I’m an introvert who learned how to keep himself occupied a long time ago.
Looks like I’ll keep this routine up for the next several weeks. I don’t want to go anywhere and I don’t want to interact with anyone, especially if all they do is complain and moan yet not do anything about their problems. I’m through listening to petty complaints. I have enough issues of my own.
Haven’t written much because I really haven’t been up to it the last few days. Between seeing the family, my having major maintenance being done on my apartment, dealing with the hot weather, and now entering my traditionally tough time of year, I haven’t been motivated to do much of anything. I’m burned out already and summer has barely started. I’ve been having maintenance come and go out of my apartment for the last few weeks. And to tell you the truth, it’s thrown a monkey wrench in my routines. I’ll be so, so glad once everything is taken care of and I don’t have maintenance and management dropping in on my place at a moment’s notice. I have to be out of my apartment all day Monday. Still have no idea what I’m doing for the whole day. I really don’t want to go to my parents’ place. I don’t want to hang out in the part as it’s supposed to be yet another hot day. I really don’t have any close friends in my complex that I could just spend the day at. All my old friends in my hometown have moved out of state a long time ago. I really have no clue as to what I’m doing all day out of my apartment.
Since I’ve developed a fear of leaving my apartment, this is probably going to be tougher than it would normally be. I’m burned out. I’m tired of always having to jump to other’s schedules at a second’s notice. That’s why I don’t go anywhere for any length of time anymore. If I do I’ll miss some request from family, friends, management, maintenance, etc and then I’m in trouble with said people. I’m paranoid enough as is. I just want to be left alone.
Of course no one wants to hear my problems. My parents were busy with their grandkids the last entire week. I had to fake like I was in a good mood for my birthday bash. My friends won’t return my calls or messages on facebook. I don’t know what is wrong with everyone all at once. And I’m tired of trying to figure people out. After months of dealing with nonsense from pretty much everyone in my life, I’m about to crack. Too bad I couldn’t just break down and sob to express my real emotions. I think I’ve cried only twice in the last twenty years. I didn’t cry at any of the funerals I’ve ever been to. But, then, it’s not manly to have emotions besides anger and lust.
In short, I just want to be left alone for a very long time. I’m tired of dealing with stupid and rude people I can’t please. I don’t need therapy. I don’t need company. I don’t need a medication adjustment. I just need people to leave me alone if they are going to be stupid and rude.
It’s been quite quiet for me this summer. I haven’t had any flare ups or episodes. I haven’t even heard my neighbors arguing for weeks. Somedays I wonder if I even have neighbors it’s been so quiet in my complex. About the only time I see any of my neighbors is when I leave my apartment to run errands. I don’t sit outside too much anymore just because it’s been so hot. Fortunately we have only another six to eight weeks of hot weather left. But I have been enjoying the peace and quiet. I also enjoy not having flare ups or dealing with stupid and rude people all the time.
I used to have to deal with a lot of drama at work and in some friendships. I haven’t dated for several years simply because the drama and ups and downs just got old. Having schizophrenia while trying to date adds a whole another level of difficulty. And I came to the conclusion that I just don’t want to be bothered with it anymore. I have enough problems as is. I also had to cut negative people out of my life. Sure it meant ending a few friendships and being real careful about who I let into my life. And it also means much alone time. But it’s alright because the peace and quiet is worth it.
Another thing that helps me is that I am debt free. That is why I can live as a minimalist and not work. I just live on my disability pension. Right now I can budget it out that I don’t have to resort to credit cards to make it through the month. I don’t have to take a thankless and stressful job because I don’t need the money. As far as I’m concerned, the biggest reason to work for someone else is the money. Being an employee, especially in today’s ever shifting and toxic work environments, doesn’t seem to be much more than glorified serfdom. Why should any employee give loyalty to a company when the job can be taken over by machines, outsourced overseas, or just given to a younger person for lower wages? If you’re going to be an employee, it’s best to go to the highest bidder. An employer won’t look out for you. An employer doesn’t care about you either. Neither do most of your coworkers, at least that is my experience. A boss isn’t going to help you develop your career. You are on your own on that one. I can do this blog without getting paid for it because I don’t have to worry about income or paying off debts. And I absolutely love doing this blog. It doesn’t really seem like a job because it isn’t drudgery like I was used to in my working days. It feels more like a hobby that evolved into a life mission.
Since I don’t have debts and am content to live a minimalist life, I am quite free to write about what needs to be written. Life with a mental illness isn’t pretty much of the time. It is lonely, it can be frightening, it can be long bouts of depression and sadness, and sometimes I have found myself mourning over the career and lifestyle that never was because of this illness. But, having this illness made me resourceful and creative. It also made me smarter. It made me think about many things that most people never have to. It made me ask questions that most people would never think to ask.
Right now I’m dealing with a stretch where I haven’t had any real drama for months. It helps that I have been able to largely avoid toxic, negative, and stupid people. That’s no small accomplishment living in tight quarters like I do. I’m pretty content to just stay home much of the time anymore. I have gotten to where I feel naked without a good internet connection. I imagine that’s going to become more common in the next several years. I’m just ahead of the curve. And I don’t have to submit to a bad boss or bad coworkers or unreasonable customers to make money because I don’t need the money. I can get by just on my disability pension because I don’t have debts or expensive tastes. I won’t spend a hundred dollars on a pair of jeans or two hundred dollars on a pair of sneakers or buy a new iPhone every year or a different car every three years. I am content with what I have. I love being a minimalist. And that has helped me create a life with little to no drama in spite my mental illness.
I readily admit I get frustrated when the people I am around on a regular basis do and say stupid things and then keep repeating these mistakes over the course of months and years. I know I shouldn’t be angry with people just because they aren’t smart. Some people are just dumb and they are never going to become Mensa material no matter what you do for them. That is probably the hardest fact of life that I have ever had to accept. I can handle people not having empathy. I can handle people being greedy. But for some odd reason I have had a very tough time coming to the acceptance that some people are just dumb, have always been dumb, and are never going to be interested in the intellectual things like science, technology, history, philosophy, literature, etc. that I am.
Being smart has always come easy to me. I can’t remember ever not knowing how to read because I pretty much taught myself how to read. I can’t remember ever having to be forced to read because I read so voraciously on my own. I still do. I actually had to be forced to put down my books and go outside with the neighborhood kids against my will. I suppose my parents were afraid that I would be one of these really smart people who had lousy social skills. Well, that happened anyway. Yet I don’t mind having below average social skills. Most of the stuff average people like to talk about, like politics, sports, the weather, farming, work, celebrities, etc., I find quite boring. As much as I enjoy baseball, I wouldn’t have much of a stake in the games if I didn’t have a fantasy league team. As much as I enjoyed the violence of football when I played as a teenager, I wouldn’t watch any games if it didn’t give me anything to talk about with the average person. I don’t personally follow politics much except if politicians make noise about cutting science programs. Cutting science programs will hurt nations long term. Much of what was the computer and information revolutions came about because of the space programs in the 60s and 70s. I am not really happy with my current crop of politicians who are cutting science funding and just want to pull up the draw bridge and isolate from the rest of the world. Who would have thought twenty years ago China and India would be leading the world in developing and implementing nonpolluting technology? When my parents were children, their parents used to tell them “there’s starving kids in China who would love to eat what you complain about.” I wonder if Chinese and Indian parents tell their kids “keep studying and going to school, there’s dumb people in America.”
I never had a tolerance for ignorance. And it’s especially tough having a mental illness and living in low income housing when I am not surrounded by many smart people. I do most of my socializing online anymore because I can at least superficially connect with people who share my interests. For years I have struggled searching for people with the same intellectual pursuits I have. My therapists and I have struggled finding ways for me to find social activities for someone with my interests. I finally came to the painful realization that I am not going to meet many people I can relate to, at least not in traditional senses. Some of my best friends I interact with mainly online. The internet is my social life now. I’m glad I live in an era when it’s available as much as it is. Had I lived in the dark ages, I probably would have had to join a monastery. Even then I’d probably be burned at the stake as a heretic. I am happy that science is really advancing. And it doesn’t bother me as much as it normally would that many of these advances are now not happening in my own country. I really don’t care if it’s an American, a Chinese person, an African, etc. who comes up with the next huge breakthrough. We all share the same planet so we just as well learn to work and think beyond national boundaries. I hope that the anti intellectualism I see so prevalent in my time and place is merely a passing fad. And even if it isn’t, there are plenty of places where intelligence is valued and science will progress. The future is already happening, it’s just not evenly distributed.
I’ve been feeling quite calm and content since Thanksgiving. I really haven’t left the complex that much but I do keep myself occupied. I still watch a lot of educational videos on youtube and curiosity stream. Most people will find me odd for saying this but I love learning new things. Sure the things I learn may not help me make more money or land a dream job, but so what? Why does everything I do have to have a dollar sign attached to it? Why can’t I do something just to make myself smarter and more interesting? I know plenty of well to do people who haven’t voluntarily read a book since high school. But these people are one dimensional, boring, and really don’t know what’s going on in the world outside of their workplace. You may make a lot of money but that doesn’t make up for the fact you may be boring, uninteresting, a bad parent, or your marriage is falling apart. Most of my critics think I’m wasting my time and efforts learning extemporaneous things and not doing practical things like chasing women or complaining about my coworkers. But I don’t care. I’ve reached the age where I’m focused on what I need to do to advance my work and purpose and everything else is just background noise.
As it is I consider this blog and my own enlightenment my career now. I don’t care that I don’t make much money from it. Besides money isn’t backed up by anything tangible as most countries haven’t been on a gold or silver standard for generations. Your money is fake. Your money is less real than a porn star’s body parts. And that is why I don’t care that I don’t get much money from this blog or my other outside projects. My critics just love to brag about how much they work in one breath and then complain about how much they hate their jobs in the next. Robots and automated programs will be taking many jobs within the next twenty years. Someday that job you lord over others to brag about how much you are earning your keep will be taken over by machines. Then what? Then you will be in the same place with the “welfare bums” and “lazy idiots” you have damned for generations.
I really have no patience for people who brag about how much they supposedly work and about how irreplaceable they are. Screw you, we are all replaceable. There have been tens of billions of humans that have lived in the history of our species, individuals are not that special. Many jobs will be replaced by machines within the next generation. Many millions of people will be unemployed without their consent. And here you are complaining about people that can’t find jobs to support themselves or resorting to welfare programs. Well, screw you! We will probably all be on some kind of tax payer sponsored support within the next thirty years, especially when automation takes off.
Many people think we’re going to bring back millions manufacturing jobs and it’ll be like the go go 1950s once again. First of all, most manufacturing jobs are getting to the point that machines can do them better than any human can. Even Chinese factories are putting in robotic manufacturing processes as we speak. It’s not like an average person just out of high school is going to work the same factory job for forty five years and then get a pension anymore. Those days are as dead as the horse and buggy. And it’s stupid and pointless to try to bring those days back. If we are to compete on a world stage, we’re going to have to update our entire education system and retrain millions of workers. It angers me to think that I spent my educational career in a mediocre system that didn’t challenge me or even try to prepare me to compete on a global scale. Heck I feel like I was cheated by my school systems. There is more to life than whether you can throw the football a long way or become prom queen.
We aren’t going to bring back the “good ol’ days”, and they weren’t that good to begin with. I have no patience with people who have an overabundance of nostalgia for the past and think that the old days were some magical time where people respected others and an honest day’s work meant an honest day’s pay. In most cases, an honest day’s work meant you didn’t get whipped by your slave masters for most of history or beaten by your alcoholic husband. I hate nostaliga and I am really sick and tired of people longing for a past that never existed in the real world. Do your homework already!
I guess I shouldn’t rant that much about people who won’t do their homework. But it does get old after awhile. It does scare me that even though I’m a schizophrenic on disability pension I do more homework into the state of science, technology, and world affairs in a typical day than most people do in a month. The internet is a great tool to learn cool and great things. Use it for some constructive purpose already. The internet was not designed just so you could troll people who don’t agree with you. Dealing with stupid people who think they’re something special because they have the internet (which they had nothing to do with in making) gets tiring and discouraging from time to time. I guess this is one of those times I’m just discouraged with so many people in my life acting and thinking like a bunch of barbarian brutes. I will feel better eventually but I just need to vent right now. Even mentally ill people should be allowed to have moments of weakness. Screw the stiff upper lip at all times!
Been spending much of the last several days watching the World Series and football games. As far as my hopeless addiction to watching sports on tv is concerned, October is traditionally the happiest time of year for me. But all in all it’s been an uneventful fall. The weather is starting to cool and I haven’t run my air conditioner in almost three weeks. Some nights I even run the heater. We’ve already had a few freezes but no snow yet. In my hometown we usually don’t get our first snow until mid to late November. I still have to winterize my car and restock my emergency winter supplies. It won’t take too much other than a couple trips to the store. It’s just a matter of getting it done.
I didn’t do anything special this Halloween. Some times I like to go to the all night diners to see people in their costumes after the bars close. Some years I help hand out candy to the kids that come to our complex. Didn’t do any of that. I’m still kind of afraid of socializing. If it wasn’t for cell phones and Facebook, I probably wouldn’t have much of a social life. But then again, years ago the only option for someone like me was long term hospitalization.
During the last two weeks I was on higher than usual doses of some of my anti psych medications. They helped take the tension off and knocked down the hallucinations but I did end up less motivated than usual and slept more. I haven’t posted anything to Facebook for almost two weeks. I’m trying to avoid a lot of nastiness and negativity that’s going on lately. I haven’t watched the news in months because I’m tired of the wall to wall election coverage. Even my parents who are hopeless news junkies have been boycotting all news channels just to avoid it all. I thought we were electing representatives and not gods. I have grown to hate politics and I would love to live to see scientists, engineers, doctors, teachers, etc. get the kind of press we seem to have only for politicians and entertainers. It’s probably a pipe dream, but I can hope can’t I?
As it’s been I’ve been depressed and discouraged for weeks. I can’t stand normal conversation and small talk anymore. It’s just reruns as far as I’m concerned. That’s probably why I isolate so much. I just don’t want to rehash politics or sports or the weather anymore. Perhaps I’m too tough on my fellow man because most of what I see is people doing the same stupid things and talking about the same stupid stuff all the time. I might feel different if I lived in a large city with more diversity of thought and culture. I probably would feel different if I didn’t live in low income housing. But it’s not like there’s ever going to be low income housing for smart but eccentric people.
Some people got the idea because I live in low income housing and am on disability that I’m stupid. I’m not. But I will say it has been pretty tough living in low income housing ever since my pastor friend and brilliant but eccentric photographer friend died two years ago. Their deaths have been tough to bear. The intellectual life of my complex took a nosedive since they passed on. Now I pretty much hear people complain about how they don’t get enough in social security money when they buy mostly lottery tickets, cigarettes, and booze with their money. It’s discouraging seeing people do the same dumb things over and over again but never getting the idea. Anyone who ever said there virtue in poverty has never lived in HUD housing. We have the same mix of crooks, losers, cranks, and jerks as every other class of society.
It’s discouraging dealing with dumb and rude people everyday. After awhile I might get jaded and just think that dumb and rude people are all there is. I hope it never comes to that. I wouldn’t be happy as a nihilist. I see the potential in people. I see that my species is making positive changes and scientific breakthroughs on an almost daily basis anymore. I know we can be better than we currently are. I know we can make ourselves more ethical and wiser. I would love to someday live in world where wisdom is as valued as ignorance is now. It just gets discouraging during the day to day grind when it seems like no progress is being made around you. But I guess low income housing is probably going to be the last place in the US that sees any kind of technological progress. We still have people who don’t own computers or have email accounts. I just try to keep reminding myself that progress is happening even when it’s not evenly spread out.