Haven’t been going much of anywhere for the last several days. Anymore I am fine with just staying home, chatting with friends online or over the phone, reading online articles, and sleeping. I sleep more than I probably should. But I actually enjoy sleep anymore, as strange as it sounds. In the early years of my mental illness, I used to have really bad nightmares several nights a week. Sometimes I’d wake up in a panic and drenched in sweat. Sometimes I’d wake up to muscle cramps. A few times I was so scared by my dreams I would just cry. I haven’t cried over anything for almost fifteen years now, not even my grandparents’ funerals. It’s almost like the horrors and terrors of the early years of mental illness killed a small part of my humanity.
I admit to having a hard time dealing with strong emotions. I don’t show much sadness anymore even when I wish I could break down sobbing. I know, it’s not manly to sob or feel much of anything. I do feel a lot of frustration and even anger toward stupidity, rudeness, hypocrisy, and people who have no empathy or compassion. As strange as it sounds to most people, I don’t even know when someone loves me unless they flat out say they do. I know how to feel love toward others and I attempt to send it out the best way I know how usually to have it rejected. But I really don’t know how to tell that someone loves me. Of course this lack of basic ability to read emotions murdered my romantic prospects before they had a chance to get rolling. I haven’t been on a date in well over ten years. I accept the fact that I probably never will be able to date or have a romantic interest grow into anything besides a silent interest and secret admiration simply because I am unable to read other’s emotions. It was a very tough truth that took me until I was almost thirty to accept about myself. I know what it like to feel love towards others, I just don’t know how to tell when others love me back.
a brave admission there that took courage to say! Well done I applaud your courage!
It has to be said. The only way for people to know about the struggles of their fellows even in their own neighborhoods is for more people to tell their stories. Can’t correct problems until we know that there are problems needing correcting.
Very true, good that you said what you did, hopefully it will help other people to