Tag Archives: loneliness

Loneliness and Depression

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Haven’t been out that much the last few days besides getting a little sunshine everyday, at least on days the sun is shining.  We’ve been getting rain everyday it seems for almost two weeks.  So I’ve been living off my food reserves and rarely leaving the apartment the last few days.

Not that I really mind.  Sometimes it’s therapeutic just being alone with my thoughts for hours on end.  It takes me a long time to fall asleep anymore, but I spend most of the time trying to fall asleep allowing my mind to wander.  I am sometimes my own best company.

In the past I’ve tried day programs designed for mentally ill people.  But much of what went on seemed quite remedial to me, almost like a rehash of grade school.  I found such programs quite boring and didn’t make any friends there.

I’m finding it harder to make friends the older I get.  Most people my age have careers and families.  I really can’t relate to either one.  And some people don’t want to friend me because I don’t have a family or a career.  And it’s really tough making friends in my apartment complex anymore.  Half of the people in my complex are senior citizens, and some of them seem resentful that I live in low income housing with them.  The other half are people with chronic illnesses and developmental disabilities.  It can get lonely in here at times.  I know that spending most of my life alone isn’t healthy.  But many people I just can’t relate to because I’m terrible at small talk.  Too bad there aren’t communes for eccentric people like me with a variety of interests.  Kind of like dormitory living for adults.  I know, not going to happen.

The depression occasionally crops up.  Fortunately the delusions and paranoia hasn’t followed.  I have lost interest in many things I once found enjoyable.  I no longer like travel.  I no longer like fishing.  I don’t even read as much as I used to.  Maybe I’m entering a new phase of my illness.  In a lot of ways, the illness itself is much easier to cope with than ten to fifteen years ago.  But I still do get kind of sad when I look at my friends and people I went to school with and I get to see what they’ve accomplished and their families.  I definitely feel like I’m missing out.  At least I can still write about these issues.  It’s the closest thing to a career I’ll ever have.

Needing To Vent

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Been raining for almost a week straight in my town.  Not that I mind because it gives me an excuse to sleep in and stay home.  I’ve always been a natural night person and I don’t see that changing soon.  Unfortunately my landlord’s office hours are always in the morning so I never get to see her.  I’ve given up on ever getting my walls painted and carpet replaced.  I’ve been hearing that it was coming for over a year.  They can build skyscrapers in less than a year in China it seems.  Yet I can’t get approval for my walls to be painted and carpet replaced.  Go figure.  And people wonder why I don’t trust authority figures.

Somedays I really wonder if I am making any difference with being mentally ill or even making progress with this illness.  I’ve pretty much come to the conclusion that I’ll never get cured of schizophrenia, which would be a dream come true for me.  I’ve fought this illness for over twenty years and I’m tired of it.  I’m tired of always feeling paranoid.  I’m tired of being depressed all the time.  I’m tired of not being able to work.  I’m tired of people thinking I’m just making my problems up.  I’m angry that I’m never going to live up to my potential through no fault of my own.  It would be one thing if I fried my brains through drug abuse.  I would probably get more empathy if this illness was self inflicted. The public’s lack of understanding about mental illness and anything having to do with science is sickening.  I mean this is 2017 people, we’re supposed to be an advanced civilization.  Not advanced enough for me that’s for sure.

I can’t even really socialize anymore.  Most people seem to be in foul moods all the time or just want to talk about stupid things that have been rehashed a thousand times before.  Do people really get dumber the older they get?  I was always under the impression that older people were supposed to be wise and full of good advice.  Not so from what I’ve seen.  Most days I just don’t want to leave my apartment anymore.  I’m just tired of dealing with stupid and rude people all day.  I’m so glad I no longer work in retail customer service.  Those people take an incredible amount of abuse for no more then they are paid.

I don’t know if there is a point to this post.  I’m sure some are thinking I should “man up” and “quit whining.”  But, even I have moments of weakness at times.  I can’t be everyone’s Mr. Sunshine all the time.  And I shouldn’t have to be.  Years ago, someone with my diagnosis would be long term hospitalized and never heard from again.  Out of sight out of mind.  One of the reasons we’re seeing more and more mentally ill people in public is because of deinstitutionalization.  It’s not that the younger generations are weaker and morally inferior to previous generations.  It’s not that at all.  Modern times are not crazier than the past, they are just better documented.  I’m just tired that’s all.  I just need to vent.  And if a mentally ill person isn’t allowed to vent, then no one should.

Loneliness

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I visited with my nephews and niece a few days ago.  I got to see my parents too for the first time since Christmas.  I had a good time with the kids.  They are ages 12, 10, 8, and 5.  They are old enough they don’t get into a lot of trouble and can be quite entertaining.  Seeing those kids grow up and develop interests and personalities of their own is bittersweet.  I am happy that my brother and his wife were able to have several kids, are able to take care of them, and raise them to be respectable and well behaved kids.  But it does make me realize some of what I have lost and will never be able to experience on my own because of my schizophrenia.

I have written a lot in the past about alternating between being sad, angry, and depressed about the career and life opportunities I lost in the name of mental illness.  I have written much less about being sad and depressed about never being able to marry or have kids.  Outside of my best female friend, I really have little experience with dating.  I was turned down every time I ever asked a girl out on a date in high school and most of the time when I was in college.  By the time I was halfway through college I gave up on the idea of ever marrying because it just seemed like a lost cause and wasted effort.  I never could figure out why I did so poorly with women.  But I haven’t really cared for years as I know that ship set sail a real long time ago and that I just as well make the best of being single and lonely for life.

For many years I was making the best of it.  After seeing some of my classmates go through rough divorces or slog through unhappy marriages, I was grateful I never did marry.  But after seeing my brother’s kids mature through the years and come into their own, I am beginning to realize that if children are raised well, they can be the greatest things that ever happened to you.

It wasn’t until a few days ago that I realized just how lonely I am most of the time.  I really don’t talk to that many people in person any more.  I almost never socialize outside of close family and friends.  I still sleep ten to twelve hours a day.  I think that is a subconscious way of dealing with the loneliness.  I really am lonely most of the time.  Have been for the last couple years since three of my older friends in my apartment complex died within six months of each other.

As much as I hated the office politics of a job, at least I was able to find a few moments of joyful interactions everyday with other people.  As much as I didn’t like the social aspects of high school, I still had my friends and some friendly acquaintances.  I don’t have any of that anymore.  I can understand how some people, men especially, lose a lot of joy in their lives and much of their identity when they retire or get laid off from a job.  I would consider going back to work except that mentally I’m too unstable and too discouraged to work a traditional job.  Besides much of what I could do in a traditional job will probably get automated within the next several years anyway.  Perhaps that is why I devote so much time to this blog.  It gives me identity and it could be my legacy since I’ll never be able to get married or have kids.  Things have often been lonely and discouraging the last couple years.  Being mentally ill is a death sentence to anyone’s social life.

 

End of Winter

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The weather is starting to warm up and the days are getting longer.  Spring will be in full effect within a few weeks.  I am enjoying the warmer weather.  I’m getting out of my apartment a few times a day to enjoy the warmer weather.  During the course of the winter I have gotten lazy about cleaning my apartment.  So a few days worth of spring cleaning is in order.  Unfortunately I let my house kind of slide for the colder winter months.

Baseball will also be starting in a few weeks.  I still have several days to do some research before I have to pick my fantasy league baseball team.  Been watching a few pre season games the last few days.  First time I really watched regular tv since the Super Bowl.  February has always been a slow time of year for me.

Been feeling pretty stable mentally overall.  I have started to wake up earlier as I no longer sleep until noon every day.  I don’t sleep as much and I think my body and mind are starting to reenter spring mode again.  I’m not staying up as late either.  Seems to me that my overnight mentality is strongest in the darker days of winter.

I can tell that spring is almost here and winter is all but done.  The weather is warming up, the nights aren’t as long, daylight saving time will begin next weekend in my country, the trees are starting to bud, the grass is a little greener, and it seems that the people around me are getting in better moods as the weather warms and the days get longer.  I had dealt with so many foul moods over the last few months I pretty much isolated for most of the winter.  I just didn’t want to deal with angry people anymore.  But even the people in my life are starting to act more cheerful and optimistic.

Even though I have been making a point to leave my apartment several times every day I still haven’t worked up to taking an extended road trip.  I haven’t been outside of my town since last fall.  I actually made it through the winter with having to fill my gas tank only once I drove so little this winter.  But I think since the weather is starting to warm I may have to make a few trips.  It has gotten old spending most of my time at home and having the bulk of my social interactions taking place over phone and internet.

I am looking forward to spring.  I am glad that winter is all but over.  Won’t be long now.

Winter Routines and Loneliness

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Haven’t written in awhile.  But I guess I haven’t had much to report.  Been quite stable for a few weeks now.  I still sleep a great deal, mainly after I stay awake quite late.  I haven’t really gone anywhere for most of the winter.  We haven’t had as much snow as previous years and we have probably seen the worst winter is going to offer.  It did help that our traditional mid winter thaw was longer than usual, lasting almost two weeks.  I was able to spend more time outside and been out of my apartment more the last two weeks.  We have probably only a month of cold and icy weather left before spring comes into full effect.

It’s been a quiet and lonely winter for me.  I haven’t had house guests since Christmas and I haven’t had much for conversation with my neighbors this winter.  I think my social skills are deteriorating as a result.  But I have gotten to where I actually prefer to be alone with my thoughts, my writings, my computers, and my reading and research.  And I have gotten to where I really don’t mind sleeping ten hours a day.  I imagine as the days continue to get longer I’ll start sleeping less.  I usually sleep a lot in winter.

I haven’t really been depressed or irritable for weeks now.  I don’t know if this is because I avoid socializing or just avoid confrontations overall.  I still don’t watch any traditional tv and haven’t for weeks.  If it wasn’t for my video games I wouldn’t even own a tv.  Overall I’m getting by on little in terms of material possessions and trying to enjoy everyday as much as possible.

 

No News Can Be Good

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It’s been a rather quiet last several days for myself.  Besides running errands and seeing my psychiatrist earlier this week, I really haven’t done much besides sleep and stay out of other people’s business.  I’m finding myself just wanting to sleep a lot.  I probably sleep twelve hours a day anymore.  Not only do I sleep a lot, I am also not doing a lot of physical activity when I am awake.  My psych doctor is concerned and thinks I could have some underlying physical health symptoms.  So I imagine a trip to my family doctor is in order soon.

Haven’t been watching the news lately.  I don’t spend much time on social media either.  And I think I’m feeling better because of it.  I just had to unplug.  Knowing about every bit of bad news going on wasn’t helping me.

In short, no news can be good.  I guess I really don’t have much to report for this week.

Being Alone With A Mental Illness

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It’s been months since I’ve had any kind of normal for any real length of time.  But I think I’m entering a phase of normal in what has been traditionally a tough time of year for me.  I am still diligent about what I eat and I still make an attempt to exercise daily.  I have started lifting arm weights a week ago.  I can feel my stamina from lifting weights begin to rebuild even after only a few sessions.  I feel pretty stable mentally for the most part.  And when I do feel flare ups coming on I make it a point to isolate and avoid people.  I would definitely hate to have a mental breakdown around someone who doesn’t understand mental illness.  In my apartment complex we had an individual who got belligerent with a fellow tenant and it got so seriously out of hand that the police became involved.  I have had my problems in the past and I still isolate and avoid people when I feel the mental illness coming on.  But fortunately the police have never needed to be involved with my problems.  Which is a good deal as I have an unhealthy paranoia about the police to begin with.  I just don’t trust them or any other authority figures.  I’ve had too many bad experiences and too much paranoia to trust anyone with any kind of power.  Makes life tough but I don’t any other kind of life being available to me.

I still don’t get out of the apartment complex much as I fear dealing with irritable and short tempered people.  We now have an overabundance of irritable and short tempered people living in my complex.  I have decided that I no longer want to deal with that kind of nonsense.  It’s no different than the kind of nonsense I dealt with in high school when I was dealing with my angsty peers who had a complete lack of empathy.  I don’t feel sorry for the people who live in my low income apartment.  Anyone who ever said there is virtue in poverty has never lived in HUD housing.  I face the same cross section of jerks and losers as every other social class.  The only difference is I can’t run away from these people.  No one knows how tough it is to be really smart but have a mental illness that prevents you from working.  It sucks.  I can’t even do the day rehab and group activities offered because most of it is at such a remedial level I feel like I’m back in grade school with those programs.  I can’t interact with normal people because of my mental illness and lack of a family.  And I can’t interact with mentally ill people because I am usually much smarter than most of the people the outreach programs for mentally ill people were designed for.  I am mentally ill but I am not stupid.  Stop treating me like I am stupid.  I would give anything to have someone I could interact with locally who had some kind of intelligence.  I am just tired of always having to discuss the weather  or politics because that is all most people can deal with.  I am tired of having no one to talk with.  I am tired of being always alone.  I am tired of being the only smart person I know.

 

Memorial Day Weekend At Home Alone

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Memorial Day will be next Monday here in America.  For some it means having cookouts and the unofficial start of the summer season.  Others may go to Memorial Day ceremonies at the cemetery or the Veterans’ Association to remember fallen loved ones and brothers in arms.  When I was in high school I used to go to the local cemetery for the program the local American Legion post conducted.  I friend of mine would play Taps at the end of the ceremony on his trumpet.  When I worked for the courthouse I assisted with decorating the courthouse and other county government properties.  This year I’ll probably just stay home and watch a couple war movies on Netflix.  My back has been hurting pretty bad the last two days so I’m not very mobile.  I’ve been constantly icing it and it seems to help some.  Hopefully my back will clear up after a couple days of rest and ice.

I rescheduled a psych doctor appointment so I could spend a couple days out of town.  I see my doctor again at the end of June.  Last time I saw him we were talking about changing a second medication to see if I could get some kind of normal again.  I had been having problems with more frequent flare ups and being more irritable than usual.  But after changing just one medication (and this was a med my DNA tests said would be effective for me) I think I’m doing well enough I don’t have to make a second change.  I haven’t had any bad flare ups in two months.  I’m more stable now.  I’m not as irritable.  I don’t even need the anti anxiety meds much anymore.  The only real complaint I have is I sleep a little more now.  But my sleep patterns usually have me sleeping too much or too little with nothing in between.

I’m going to be spending the weekend alone and probably mostly at my apartment unless my lower back makes a fast recovery and I become mobile again.  But I have enough food and supplies to last several days if the back doesn’t recover quickly.  I’m not too worried about my mental health now.  And I haven’t been able to say that for a long time.

 

 

Getting To Some Kind Of Normalcy

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After six weeks of being on a different medication I am now adapting to the changes brought about.  I usually don’t need as much sleep so I now usually wake up earlier.  I have found myself slightly more sensitive to caffeine.  So I usually shut off the coffee and black tea after four p.m. unless I want to be up most of the night.  I have been spending more time outdoors and restarted the exercise routine a few days ago.  I am still kind of rusty but I hadn’t been doing much exercise for three weeks because of the weather and medication changes.

I am also regaining some of my lost emotions. I have felt a little loneliness over the last few weeks.  For months I have been content to spend the vast bulk of my days in isolation with as little interaction as possible.  I never did well at socializing, especially growing up in a small farming village where most people didn’t share my type of interests.  But I am now wanting to socialize again.  I find myself leaving my apartment at least a few times a day.  Previously I used to leave my apartment only once or twice a day if at all.  I have had days I didn’t leave my apartment, especially in the winter. I also feel a little more happiness.  Used to be the only real feelings I had for a couple years were anger and quiet contentment.  I didn’t relax and feel happiness because I didn’t know how.  But the ability to feel happiness is beginning to come back.   I am now able to feel a little anger and irritation without fear of going psychotic.  I haven’t had a psychotic break since I changed my medication.  I switched back to an old medication I had been on for several years.  The DNA tests I took shown that this medication worked really well for me.  So it confirmed something I already suspected.  I’ll see my psych doctor again at the end of the month and we’ll look into changing a second medication then.  I knew this would be a long process when we started.  But it’s certainly better than having psychotic breakdowns every six weeks.

I admit my physical health and exercise has taken a lower priority since I started this medication change.  I have gained a few pounds in the last few weeks. My endurance has really dropped off. It’ll probably take several more exercise sessions before it really starts coming back. But I’m getting back into exercise again, especially since the weather is warming up.

 

Adjusting My Habits After A Med Change

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I am now three weeks into a medications change.  I have been completely cycled off one of my old medications and onto another.  And of course different medications have different side effects and issues.  One issue with my new meds set up is that I don’t fall asleep as quickly.  My old set up used to make me sleepy quite fast.  Not so with this new set up.  So it’s no longer like I can drink caffeine in the evenings and still fall asleep at a reasonable time.  So I am adjusting to no caffeine after about five p.m. or I’ll be awake all night.

Another change to my habits is that I now actually get frustrated by the lack of opportunities to socialize in my apartment complex.  I used to just exercise in the late mornings and then spend the rest of the day often not socializing at all.  I found a lot of socializing in the past boring because many people just aren’t that interesting.  How much can you seriously discuss the weather or the problems with your neighbors and job before you’ve said it all before?  I miss the older and interesting friends I had who were able to talk about things I was interested in.  Now many people in my complex are just old, irritable, and uninteresting.  I would love to socialize more but where am I going to get the social interaction humans need?  I can’t really work anymore because of the mental illness.  I really can’t volunteer because who really takes on single men in their thirties as volunteers?  Seems to me most volunteers are retirees in their seventies and housewives.  People already look at me like I’m a freak.  I simply won’t go back to church.  The churches I’ve been involved in don’t take kindly to singles over twenty five.  Besides I do not believe that God (if there is one) is interested in human affairs or at all concerned about human suffering.  I can’t take part in anything I don’t believe in just to make friends and look good.  Really, what are good options for single men to socialize outside of work?  Does anyone even care?

Not being able to fall asleep quickly and the frustrations I face because I want to socialize now are the two biggest drawbacks to my having switched medications.  I imagine others may crop up eventually.  But so far most things are looking alright.