Haven’t been out that much the last few days besides getting a little sunshine everyday, at least on days the sun is shining. We’ve been getting rain everyday it seems for almost two weeks. So I’ve been living off my food reserves and rarely leaving the apartment the last few days.
Not that I really mind. Sometimes it’s therapeutic just being alone with my thoughts for hours on end. It takes me a long time to fall asleep anymore, but I spend most of the time trying to fall asleep allowing my mind to wander. I am sometimes my own best company.
In the past I’ve tried day programs designed for mentally ill people. But much of what went on seemed quite remedial to me, almost like a rehash of grade school. I found such programs quite boring and didn’t make any friends there.
I’m finding it harder to make friends the older I get. Most people my age have careers and families. I really can’t relate to either one. And some people don’t want to friend me because I don’t have a family or a career. And it’s really tough making friends in my apartment complex anymore. Half of the people in my complex are senior citizens, and some of them seem resentful that I live in low income housing with them. The other half are people with chronic illnesses and developmental disabilities. It can get lonely in here at times. I know that spending most of my life alone isn’t healthy. But many people I just can’t relate to because I’m terrible at small talk. Too bad there aren’t communes for eccentric people like me with a variety of interests. Kind of like dormitory living for adults. I know, not going to happen.
The depression occasionally crops up. Fortunately the delusions and paranoia hasn’t followed. I have lost interest in many things I once found enjoyable. I no longer like travel. I no longer like fishing. I don’t even read as much as I used to. Maybe I’m entering a new phase of my illness. In a lot of ways, the illness itself is much easier to cope with than ten to fifteen years ago. But I still do get kind of sad when I look at my friends and people I went to school with and I get to see what they’ve accomplished and their families. I definitely feel like I’m missing out. At least I can still write about these issues. It’s the closest thing to a career I’ll ever have.