Being Alone With A Mental Illness

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It’s been months since I’ve had any kind of normal for any real length of time.  But I think I’m entering a phase of normal in what has been traditionally a tough time of year for me.  I am still diligent about what I eat and I still make an attempt to exercise daily.  I have started lifting arm weights a week ago.  I can feel my stamina from lifting weights begin to rebuild even after only a few sessions.  I feel pretty stable mentally for the most part.  And when I do feel flare ups coming on I make it a point to isolate and avoid people.  I would definitely hate to have a mental breakdown around someone who doesn’t understand mental illness.  In my apartment complex we had an individual who got belligerent with a fellow tenant and it got so seriously out of hand that the police became involved.  I have had my problems in the past and I still isolate and avoid people when I feel the mental illness coming on.  But fortunately the police have never needed to be involved with my problems.  Which is a good deal as I have an unhealthy paranoia about the police to begin with.  I just don’t trust them or any other authority figures.  I’ve had too many bad experiences and too much paranoia to trust anyone with any kind of power.  Makes life tough but I don’t any other kind of life being available to me.

I still don’t get out of the apartment complex much as I fear dealing with irritable and short tempered people.  We now have an overabundance of irritable and short tempered people living in my complex.  I have decided that I no longer want to deal with that kind of nonsense.  It’s no different than the kind of nonsense I dealt with in high school when I was dealing with my angsty peers who had a complete lack of empathy.  I don’t feel sorry for the people who live in my low income apartment.  Anyone who ever said there is virtue in poverty has never lived in HUD housing.  I face the same cross section of jerks and losers as every other social class.  The only difference is I can’t run away from these people.  No one knows how tough it is to be really smart but have a mental illness that prevents you from working.  It sucks.  I can’t even do the day rehab and group activities offered because most of it is at such a remedial level I feel like I’m back in grade school with those programs.  I can’t interact with normal people because of my mental illness and lack of a family.  And I can’t interact with mentally ill people because I am usually much smarter than most of the people the outreach programs for mentally ill people were designed for.  I am mentally ill but I am not stupid.  Stop treating me like I am stupid.  I would give anything to have someone I could interact with locally who had some kind of intelligence.  I am just tired of always having to discuss the weather  or politics because that is all most people can deal with.  I am tired of having no one to talk with.  I am tired of being always alone.  I am tired of being the only smart person I know.

 

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Author: alifeofmentalillness

I write about my experiences with mental illness and life in general. I am also currently under going 'lifestyle changes' (I hate the term 'dieting' as it's sounds so temporary) and have lost 70 pounds since spring 2014. I've put my poetry and novel writing on lower priority since I started losing weight and blogging more seriously.

3 thoughts on “Being Alone With A Mental Illness”

  1. I know what you mean about finding a place to fit in. It’s hard to talk to someone who may not empathize or won’t accept you. It’s a risk.i do t take it much either. There must be a middle ground

  2. Hi, I know exactly what you’re talking about. I am a member of Mensa and have struggled to make myself understood. It’s exhausting just trying to communicate with some people. I think that’s why I love your blog so much. I see your intelligence shining through. I learn a lot from reading what you write. I think you should buy a Writers Market book, and look at the magazines – especially the ones that publish scientific articles and write for them. I also have recommended before that you post learning materials at teacherspayteachers.com because I think you could get a little extra income AND I think you could help educators who need material that students can use to learn. You are gifted and can use your gifts. You just have to be creative about it. And please don’t stop writing. You probably have no idea how many people you are helping.

  3. I hope that you find an outlet, and a way of meeting like-minded people. Perhaps join reading or discussion groups? I’m lucky that i can, 99% of the time, control the symptoms when I’m out and about. My worst symptoms are, touch wood, behind me- and the symptoms that come on worst now are when I’m on my own, or with certain people who seem to act as triggers. But this illness is a killer, you sound like you’ve found really great ways to deal with it. Believe me when I say I know how much of a achievement that is. Take care.

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