Been raining for almost a week straight in my town. Not that I mind because it gives me an excuse to sleep in and stay home. I’ve always been a natural night person and I don’t see that changing soon. Unfortunately my landlord’s office hours are always in the morning so I never get to see her. I’ve given up on ever getting my walls painted and carpet replaced. I’ve been hearing that it was coming for over a year. They can build skyscrapers in less than a year in China it seems. Yet I can’t get approval for my walls to be painted and carpet replaced. Go figure. And people wonder why I don’t trust authority figures.
Somedays I really wonder if I am making any difference with being mentally ill or even making progress with this illness. I’ve pretty much come to the conclusion that I’ll never get cured of schizophrenia, which would be a dream come true for me. I’ve fought this illness for over twenty years and I’m tired of it. I’m tired of always feeling paranoid. I’m tired of being depressed all the time. I’m tired of not being able to work. I’m tired of people thinking I’m just making my problems up. I’m angry that I’m never going to live up to my potential through no fault of my own. It would be one thing if I fried my brains through drug abuse. I would probably get more empathy if this illness was self inflicted. The public’s lack of understanding about mental illness and anything having to do with science is sickening. I mean this is 2017 people, we’re supposed to be an advanced civilization. Not advanced enough for me that’s for sure.
I can’t even really socialize anymore. Most people seem to be in foul moods all the time or just want to talk about stupid things that have been rehashed a thousand times before. Do people really get dumber the older they get? I was always under the impression that older people were supposed to be wise and full of good advice. Not so from what I’ve seen. Most days I just don’t want to leave my apartment anymore. I’m just tired of dealing with stupid and rude people all day. I’m so glad I no longer work in retail customer service. Those people take an incredible amount of abuse for no more then they are paid.
I don’t know if there is a point to this post. I’m sure some are thinking I should “man up” and “quit whining.” But, even I have moments of weakness at times. I can’t be everyone’s Mr. Sunshine all the time. And I shouldn’t have to be. Years ago, someone with my diagnosis would be long term hospitalized and never heard from again. Out of sight out of mind. One of the reasons we’re seeing more and more mentally ill people in public is because of deinstitutionalization. It’s not that the younger generations are weaker and morally inferior to previous generations. It’s not that at all. Modern times are not crazier than the past, they are just better documented. I’m just tired that’s all. I just need to vent. And if a mentally ill person isn’t allowed to vent, then no one should.