Tag Archives: life

Overcoming Mobility Challenges: My Journey to Independence

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STILL haven’t heard anything from my possible new place. I’m giving up on that. I’ve pretty much come to the conclusion that I’m going to be living with my parents for the rest of my life. I’m tired of pretending that things are going to change in that regards.

There are worse things than living in the suburbs. It’s a safe neighborhood. I can get any restaurant within reason Door Dashed to my house. I get two day delivery on almost anything on Amazon. There isn’t much for homelessness near my house. And I live only a fifteen minute drive from my brother and his wife.

As I’m getting used to the fact that there won’t be a place coming open for me, I have decided to make the best of it. Mobility is slowly coming back. I can easily transfer from recliner to bed to wheelchair with only a little pain in my ankles. My knee pain has been completely solved. They don’t even pop and crack anymore. I’m so thankful for Turmeric.

Now that I can freely get back into a wheel chair, I’m on to my next project. That is moving about the house. The only real hang up in this house is the narrow doors. The hallways are wide enough for wheelchairs but not the doors. If anything happens to my parents where they have to move to a home and I get left behind, I’m so going to have to move my hospital bed and recliner into the living room. That’s been my plan all along. I just didn’t think that I would have to utilize it.

Finally got out under the overpayments I was paying back to social security. Looks like the timing was good. Sounds like the whole system has become a dumpster fire. While I’m all in favor of cutting government waste, I totally accept that the transition to a more efficient system is going to be tough and take years perhaps. I do have some money out of the system just in case of things like this. In social security’s case, it sounds like a modern day run on the bank.

My next goal as for my mobility is to stand up long enough to fold up my wheelchair and get it through a door. That will open up the entire house and the back yard to me. If I keep getting the run around from social services, I’m going to need to make myself as mobile as I can.

The only reason I was needing a place was because of the wheelchair, not because I am senile. I remember to take my pills daily. I can clean myself, at least with sponge baths and dry shampoo. Maybe that is why I can’t get a place. Because I’m still quite mentally sharp I’m not a high priority.

In some ways I’m glad I keep getting rejected for these places. Five months ago my ankles and knees were so bad I couldn’t even stand up on my own. I needed an ambulance crew to set me up in my own house. Spent from early October to early January learning to stand up again.

I can stand up again. Now I can walk real short distances. I’m working on cutting down the pain in my ankles. In the five plus months I have spent teaching myself how to stand and walk again, I haven’t fallen even once. And I have done it all without any help from anyone.

I had physical therapy come in back in October. But they gave up on me after 30 days because I wasn’t making “adequate progress.” As it is now, I don’t think I really need physical therapy. What I do need is wheelchair accessible doors and bathrooms. Not sure I can get that done in this house. I’m pretty sure my family could afford it if I really put the screws to my parents. Sometimes playing hardball and being a hard ass has to be done to get a point across. I swear some people are so oblivious.

In spite of my hurdles and set backs, I’m making decent progress in learning how to walk again. And I am doing it in spite of the roadblocks and hijinks and run around of social services. If anything, I enjoy the hardships.

I enjoy being told what I can and cannot do. That way I can rub it in people’s arrogant faces when I end up proving them wrong. People didn’t think I could graduate college with schizophrenia. I proved them wrong. People didn’t think I could hold a job with mental illness. I held a janitorial job for over four years. People didn’t think I could live on my own with schizophrenia. Proved them wrong for seventeen years without being even late on a rent payment. People didn’t think I could survive and recover from congestive heart failure. Definitely proved them wrong on that. People now think I’ll never walk again. That’s my next mission to prove people wrong.

Challenges in Securing Long-Term Care in Oklahoma

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Rumor had it that a long term care facility an hour from the metroplex was already to accept me with open arms. That was over a week ago. Haven’t heard anything since. Getting into a care facility is proving to be impossible here in Oklahoma.

A few weeks ago Adult Protective Services were called on my behalf. My house isn’t handicap accessible and I need wheelchair accessible housing. I can transfer from a recliner or wheelchair to a hospital bed, but I still have pain in my ankles every time I walk. I can transfer but it is painful.

After APS was called on my behalf, I was sure I would get a placement within a couple of weeks. Normally they don’t get involved unless a situation is dire and beyond redemption. Well, both are the case in my situation.

I doubt my house can be made wheelchair accessible. Even if it could, I couldn’t afford even property taxes on this place after my parents are gone.

I’m just tired of the run around. I’ve had more problems with social security, Medicaid, healthcare, social services, hospitals, case workers, etc. in the two years I’ve lived in Oklahoma than my last seventeen years in Nebraska. Apparently, service quality varies greatly from state to state.

I’m to where I’m at my wit’s end. I’m tired of fighting and getting zero for results. I’ve grown hopeless and despondent. I sleep twelve hours a day to numb the pain. I’ve told off my parents a few times in the last several weeks because of frustration. I’m becoming something I don’t like. In short, I’m becoming the whining and bitter old man I promised myself I would never become.

I just want a permanent placing in a nursing home to where I can have wheelchair access and my day-to-day medical care provided. Apparently in the richest country in the history of the world that isn’t an option.

More Mobile, Losing Weight, Spring Storms, and New Books by Zach Foster

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Updates are in order. I can now transfer from my recliner to the bed to the wheelchair on a daily basis. I no longer have knee pain, but I do have some ankle pain. I have to stand up and sit down a few times over the span of several minutes before I can easily get rolling, especially if I have been laying down all night in bed.

In short, the knee pain that has been the bane of my existence for the past seven years is gone. Now I have to work on my ankle strength. To this end I’m starting an exercise routine I learned from a physical therapist to rebuild my ankles.

I haven’t weighed myself for a few months, but I think I’ve lost weight. I’m carrying less fat, especially around my stomach and thighs. My arms no longer jiggle. My shirts fit a lot better. The swelling in my crotch has gone down considerably. I know my apatite is smaller than it used to be.

One of the reasons for the fat loss in spite of the little physical activity, is for the strict diet I have. I limit when I eat and how much I eat. I still occasionally eat pizza, burgers, and friend fish. But I have cut back on portions. I large pizza can make at minimum two meals for me, more often three. I do like Long John Silver’s for their fish and corn balls. But it’s only a once-a-month tradition when my dad brings it home after he visits his doctor at the VA.

The weather is warming up and definitely feels like spring. We are having wildfires here in Oklahoma. Won’t be too long before we have thunderstorms and tornadoes every few days. The storms down here are really bad, especially the spring storms. Winter storms are more bearable even if they bring more ice than what I’m used to growing up in Nebraska. Whatever snow and ice we get in Oklahoma is gone within a couple of days. But 500 miles north in Nebraska, the snow can stay around all winter and it’s usually too cold for just rain turning to ice most of the times. Snowstorms dumping over a foot of snow are an annual occurrence back in Nebraska.

I recently uploaded an e-book to Amazon in addition to the Hillbilly Scholar one I already have. It’s called Blasting Mental Illness Myths by Zach Foster. It’s not up just yet as I loaded it only a few days ago.

This is the link to the Hillbilly Scholar e-book

https://www.amazon.com/Wisdom-Hillbilly-Scholar-Zach-Foster-ebook/dp/B005ESFWNI/ref=sr_1_1?crid=3BR1YVX065QOH&dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.uACjiqLKg7iYywHEerIRWw.oEkfijpANSjGwxPnP5W80vUEWYv8vkD3FHYTL6VTGsg&dib_tag=se&keywords=wisdom+of+a+hillbilly+scholar&qid=1742162715&sprefix=%2Caps%2C94&sr=8-1

March 11 2025

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It’s been a few months since I last posted. Updates are in order. I spent my winter at home trying to regain my strength and mobility. I can easily transfer from the bed to the recliner and back.

I have been feeling kind of depressed. My health progress is going slow. I’m still losing weight, but my mobility is coming along slowly. My knee and ankle pains are more manageable. I still have to take Tylenol a couple times a day.

I sleep a great deal. Most nights I’m asleep by 11:30 pm and don’t wake until 8 am. And I will usually sleep two hours in the afternoon. I just feel my happiest when I sleep. I can still easily walk in my dreams.

My dreams aren’t very scary anymore. Most of my dreams are about my childhood hometown and I have the same looks and build I had in my early 20s. I guess I dream about my physical prime. Most of my dreams aren’t scary, but they don’t make much sense. And I can affect the outcome of these dreams and the dialog sometimes. Most of my dreams I play the role of the hero rather than the victim anymore. Far cry from 20 years ago.

I still have my investment and collecting hobby. I buy mostly old silver coins and bitcoin. Bitcoin is volatile enough that I don’t want to add to it, but I don’t want to cash out either.

My blood is under control. Some days it’s quite low. So the doctor is talking about reducing some of the doses. I recently took a cheek swab test to see how I was metabolizing my medications and to see which types of other meds would work well in the future. It’ll be weeks before I get the results of that test back.

Writing On Medium and Making My Peace with Declining Health

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I’ve now been a member of Medium for ten months. Even though my earnings haven’t been very high, I still like that forum. I enjoy being able to connect with fellow writers and pursuers of knowledge. It gets lonely not having people in person I can bounce ideas off or talk about things like history, philosophy, spirituality, science, tech, etc. without fear of a possible argument or fight in person.

I know it’s not healthy to get most of my socializing over the computer. Then again, neither was the community I spent much of my life in. Since I signed up with Medium, it’s the first time since I graduated college that I met a large group of people who don’t hate knowledge or smart people. It’s actually comforting getting to talk to people with more knowledge than I have.

My best days usually involve a lot of back and forth with fellow writers on Medium. Sure, we don’t always agree on many things. But isn’t being able to take part in a community even while disagreeing part of being a grown up?

Summers are always a rough time for me. I usually sleep in the days to avoid the heat and crowds as much as possible. I know my sleep pattern isn’t conducive to having an active social life. Well, neither is being schizophrenic or wheelchair bound. I just do the best I can and complain as seldom as possible.

I’m losing weight again. I almost never snack, and I usually eat only twice a day. Even though I’m losing weight, my mobility isn’t really coming back.

While I continue to put in work every day to strengthen my bad heart and bad knees, I have come to the acceptance that it’s possible I may never regain my mobility. It is possible I may experience an earlier than expected death with my illnesses. I’ve made my peace with that.

In my country, talking about death and dying is taboo. I never understood why. I mean, death is part of living. I’ve seen too many people try desperately to cling to life in their elderly years even when it was obvious to even themselves that death would be a welcome relief from the chronic pain and mental decline. In many ways, it’s comforting and freeing in that I’ve made my peace with my inevitable death even before I got gray hair.

Granted, I don’t talk about making my peace with death in public or to any doctors. I fear I would be committed if I did. I have zero intention of harming myself or anyone else. It is a good feeling knowing that if I don’t want to get out to meet people I don’t like, I don’t have too. It is a good feeling knowing that, because I was helpful to people when I was still healthy, that many people are more than happy to help me out now that I’m disabled. And I don’t feel a shred of guilt for being interdependent on others. I never should have been convinced to feel this.

Ready to be On My Own Again

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When the wounded bird has been nursed back to health and is ready to fly once more.

Logo of my personal blog, www.alifeofmentalillness.com. Designed by Fiverr

Here in Oklahoma, it’s feeling like spring again. Had our first thunderstorm a few days ago. Went out for ice cream with my elderly parents this afternoon. Did some people watching from my porch in my neighborhood today. Met my across the street neighbors. They are a younger married couple with three small children. It’s cool to be living in a place that young families actually want to come to. First time in my entire life I’m living in a place that isn’t stagnating or dying. I like it.

It’s also one of the reasons I want to get my own place again. I think it would be better if I in a complex that is handicap accessible. As much as I like the suburbs, I do want to get back out in my own place. I had been on my own for almost 18 years. I didn’t spend 18 years living alone to be under my family’s shadow again.

I already buy my own groceries, pay rent, and pretty much keep to myself for the most part. The first few months I was here I had some heated arguments with my family about different ways of doing things. So I make it a point to keep to myself and avoid my family except for maybe a couple times a day. Helps keep my sanity.

I think it would be easier to make IRL friends if I were back in an apartment complex as opposed to a stand-alone house in the burbs. Sure, I love the low crime rates of the burbs, but I do miss the diversity of living in an apartment complex. Hell, I even miss my old college dormitory.

I loved the fact that, in communal living, there was always something going on somewhere, often within walking distance or a short bus ride. It’s one of the reasons I would love to live in a handicap accessible apartment in a culturally diverse area of Oklahoma City.

That way I could have my freedom, my culture, and still be close to my family. I found I get along with my brother a lot better than my elderly parents. He’s far less judgemental and actually likes many of the geek things I do.

I miss having a social life outside of my home and online. Since the burbs aren’t conducive to wheelchairs, I pretty much stay home whether I want to or not. I’d definitely would love to live in an area that has street fairs, parades I could watch from either an apartment or from the sidewalks. I miss going to weekend concerts at the college town dive bars when I was in my twenties and early thirties.

I also think my parents and I get on each others’ nerves. I get annoyed that they spend most of their time watching tv in the living room and complaining about the world falling apart. Seems like the only real times they leave the house are for doctors’ appointments and church service. And they never leave me alone when I go to the living room even though I’m in my 40s and have on my own for many years.

Gets tiresome and irritating being that I can’t go to the backyard or even cook my own meals without my parents making some stupid comments about something. It is true, elderly people really don’t have filters. It’s annoying. I mean I had to filter myself all the time when I was growing up. My life is half over and I have to do it again? Irritating. And most of everything they talk about I’ve already heard or could hear just by listening to Tucker Carlson or ESPN.

I’ve been really looking for my own place for over a year. Thank God I have family. Otherwise I’d be on the damn street. But I really don’t want to spend the rest of my living in a place that isn’t handicap accessible. Even the front door and bathrooms aren’t handicap friendly. The only thing qualifying the place as handicap friendly is that there are no stairs. It’s gets so old having to settle in my life for things that don’t work well for me.

Updates, March 1, 2024

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Here in Oklahoma, it’s starting to look and feel like spring. Spring is probably my favorite season. Ironically, I usually hate summers. I never did well in the heat, at least when I can’t be under a fan or an AC. I’m more heat sensitive than most people. It’s one of the reasons I didn’t commit to move to Oklahoma until a year ago.

Mentally, I’m still very stable. I think it helps that I avoid stressful people and overstimulating as much as possible. I don’t even like driving or people knocking on my office door. I haven’t owned a car for almost five years now. And I feel far less stress because of it. To hell with being forced to own a car. Pity grocery delivery wasn’t a thing ten years sooner.

Physically I’m doing much better. The only times I have bad joint pain are if I sit for several hours, sleep too long, or the weather is really changing. I still take the turmeric for my joints. Take hemp oil too. Still slowly rebuilding my heart strength.

My writings here on Medium are doing alright. Good enough to keep me some good side hustle money. But not good enough to get me kicked off social security disability. It’s a pity that universal health care will probably never be a thing here in the US.

My water retention swelling has gone down a lot. Granted it took two months on lasix, but that did the trick. I retain fluids sometimes due to my congestive heart failure. So I have to limit how much water I drink every day.

I’m also eating less. The last two times I ordered a pizza, I was able to get three meals out of it. Usually get only two. I just don’t need to eat as much anymore. Overeating actually is painful to me now.

Don’t know if I’m losing weight, but I know my clothes fit a lot better than they did six months ago. I gained some weight in the first few months here in Oklahoma. After that, I changed my diet.

Found out I tend to eat more when I am cooking for myself. If someone else cooks, I almost never ask for seconds. It may seem odd for a man who’s been on his own for over 18 years as a bachelor to defer cooking duties to his parents. But I do eat less, and my clothes fit better since I changed my habits.

Now that winter is almost over, I’m finding I have strong desires to socialize more. I spent much of the winter indoors, writing, reading, researching, doing my hobbies, etc. Now I’m ready to reconnect in person.

My investment picks are doing well. I might have to sell some off soon so as to not draw the ire of social security disability. They get kind of mad when people on disability have any real kind of savings. Really sucks that I find something I’m good at and then can’t really make a living off it because, well, the cost of insurance and meds. And I refuse to get married, not that I ever was marriage material in the first damn place. Aye, so much hate.

Been following develops in AI and automation for over ten years. Been following it real close for the last two years from when I first heard of ChatGPT. I don’t think most people realize just how good AI and automation is getting. And almost no one has any real clue how good it’s going to get. This is even before Quantum Computing becomes readily available. I’m convinced Quantum Computing will be as big as AI is now within 10 years, probably sooner.

In spite of all the doom porn and sky is falling type bullshit flying around out there, I’m glad to be alive and relatively young at our current point in history. As rapid as things have changed in the last 25 years, the next 10 years will see even more change. I feel privileged to have survived congestive heart failure to see it.

I didn’t give up during heart failure even though for a while I was in so much pain I couldn’t even get out of a hospital bed on my own. They literally had to use a lift to get me from the bed to the wheelchair for the first two weeks of my treatment. But I survived.

I didn’t want to die that way. Had too much I wanted to see before I finally do shuffle off into the Great Unknown that is death. That was two years ago this May. I like what I’ve seen just in these two years. I guess it’s all material for writing at this point.

Having Access to The World Without Leaving Home or Wearing Pants and Shoes

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Featured Image -- 2455

My parents moved to Oklahoma City area a few months ago to be closer to the grandkids.  They seem to be adapting to suburb life well.  They joined a large church where they have lots of opportunities to socialize even outside of Sunday church services.  And my dad, being a bit of a handy man from his youth on a farm, is absolutely thrilled that he lives only a few minutes drive from stores like Home Depot and Lowe’s.  Mom is talking about planting a few trees and getting a garden going in the new backyard.  Meanwhile, here in Nebraska we haven’t been above freezing point for over two weeks.  But I guess as I learned from my brother who has worked in Oklahoma City area for twenty years now, that far south seems to get spring almost a month ahead of me where I’m at.  I have been quite envious of how their winters are milder than ours (and my friends from Minnesota say the same about my winters) but I will be grateful that my summers won’t be as rough as theirs.  I imagine I’ll eventually relocate to Oklahoma myself.  It’s just a matter of time and doing the Social Security transfer paperwork.

Overall I am happy for my parents in their retirement years.  I was worried about how they would adapt to retirement when my mom retired from the hospital and my dad sold his practice.  They didn’t socialize as much as many people, at least not outside of family and church.  My mom was on the town’s library board of directors and my dad was on the local school board back in the 90s and early 2000s.  He got to sign my brother and I’s high school diploma.  I did hear of a few examples of 18 year old high school seniors got elected to their local school boards and got to sign their own diplomas.

I guess I have gotten past the fact that I can’t just get in the car and go visit them on a whim like I could when they lived only a couple hours away.  But then, I just don’t travel as much as I used to mainly because I no longer need to.  I even recently signed up for grubhub.com, so participating fast food places in my hometown can deliver food to my house now.  I now special order my clothing through a big and tall men’s webpage and they mail my orders to my door.  Sure it is more expensive than Wal Mart or the old K-Mart, but the selection is much better and the clothes fit much better too.  As I always had odd sizes.  Before I hit puberty I was quite tall but really skinny.  Never been anything between being overweight and really skinny it seems.

If I don’t feel like venturing out of my house, there are a couple places in my hometown that can deliver groceries, sometimes even same day delivery if I order in the early morning.  I get most of my prescription medications sent through the mail now. One of my college friends joked with me that if he used my setups, the only times he would need to leave his house would be to go to work, get maintenance and gas for his car, and to buy his occasional beer.  He may have been joking but that is about the reality for myself.

And now many jobs can be done from home now via telecommuting.  I imagine it’s only a matter of time before this truly takes off.  I have a cousin and his wife that can do most of their work from home if they so chose.  The only time I need to go to my bank is to buy quarters for laundry and visit the ATM machine.  I do all my blogging from my leather recliner (which was delivered from a local furniture store) in my living room.  I have friends who take free online courses (not for college credits though) through MIT.  I use Khan Academy and youtube videos a great deal when I need and want to learn something.

abraham-maslows-hierarchy-of-needs1.preview

Maybe it will be telecommuting that saves some of these small Midwest and Southern towns that started drying up once farming and manufacturing got more automated and needed fewer human workers.  With as bad as rents and housing costs are in the big cities I couldn’t afford to live in a place like San Francisco or New York, let alone Omaha or Kansas City.  Maybe telecommuting is what will indirectly solve the affordable housing crisis here in USA. Might even solve the problems of higher education costs getting out of control. It also will cut down down on commuting time, so less air pollution from automobiles even if electric cars weren’t becoming more affordable and easy to find.  As strange as it may sound to some people, future generations might look back and write history books about topics like how technology, science, and the open market solved problems like environmental pollution, resource depletion, poverty, and perhaps even end war.  I think in some ways (at least much of the stats and data I have personally seen) all of these are beginning to happen.

Even though I don’t socialize in person as much as I used to, I don’t feel any less connected than I did in the past.  Sure I do miss physical touch and intimacy, but I have adapted to socialize more online and on phone. I’m currently trying to get face time set up on my computer. But I have adapted to my reality and have found ways around not having much money or living near people with similar interests or not wanting to drive everywhere anymore.  There was an old song about having the world on a string.  I don’t have that, but I do more or less have the world with a few keystrokes on a computer with wireless internet.  I can all my shopping and socializing and I don’t even have to wear shoes if I don’t want to.  I can hardly wait until I can get a multi purpose 3D printer I can use in my house as easily as I now use my computer and phone.

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Progress does sometimes seem to be slow, at least when we are in the middle of the day to day grinds and stressors.  But given the perspective of decades and years, we as a civilizations and species have made an incredible amount of progress just in the last ten years, let alone my lifetime, and certainly let alone since my grandparents were born.  All of this I do from home wouldn’t have been possible even in 2000.  Yet, growing up in the 1980s the year 2000 was some mythic futurist time.  Sheesh, other than fast than light travel, matter replicators, “beem me up Scotty”, computers who act like humans, and contact with life from other planets, we are starting to live much of what science fiction even forty years ago.  I have hope.  Everyone else should too.

Just Because I Don’t Have Much Money Doesn’t Mean I Am Poor

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Middle of the winter now.  Haven’t ventured out of my apartment much the last few days.  Too cold to go anywhere really.  Been immersing myself in computer games and audiobooks more these days.  I have to admit that I really have no desire to socialize in person much, at least not lately.  I guess I have given up on finding anyone in physical proximity who shares my interests and concerns.  I have gotten tired of neighborhood gossip and endless talks about politics and sports ball.  Been tired of it for a long time.  I haven’t even watched live tv since the college football bowl games around New Year’s Day.  I guess I just lost interest in the mundane and normal things my neighbors can discuss for hours on end.

I have to admit that I find most of my social life on social media these days.  I have excellent conversations with people from my tech and futurists groups.  It’s like some of the conversations I had with friends back in college, when you would chat until sunrise and your throat was burning from chatting so much.  During conversations like that, it’s like I could actually feel my brain getting stronger and more nimble.  I loved those years. I can’t imagine how cool they would have been had I not had a mental illness to deal with.  I can understand why many people are nostalgic for their college years, before the spirit crushing and brain numbing realities of having to spend over half your waking life at a job that most people aren’t well suited for just to earn enough money to live an “acceptable” standard of living.

Most people caught up in the day to day working ‘Oh God It’s Monday’ merry go round ride we like to call ‘being a productive member of society’ would argue I don’t live an acceptable standard of living.  Most people would consider me a failure it seems.  It seems that people either pity me or envy me for being on disability pension.  Acceptable by what standards?  Who decided what is and isn’t a productive member of society?  Am I going to hell because I am not working myself into an early grave or not buying the big house and SUV type lifestyle?  Seriously, what will happen if I don’t work myself into an early grave because I didn’t become a cubicle jockey or sell my talents for more money than I need to buy crap I never really wanted to impress jerks that wouldn’t shed a tear if I dropped dead of a heart attack tonight?  Is God going to deny me access into the afterlife because I don’t have a credit history?

Let’s not con ourselves, most people work the jobs they do because they need the money to buy their survival, not because they are passionate about their jobs or their careers are a benefit to humanity and nature.  I think that if money weren’t in issue, many people would find even more productive means to spend their days than sitting in traffic to get to an office to fill out reports that few people read or do work with their hands that, in some cases, could just as easily be done by machines and computers.  Too many people work themselves senseless and joyless because, for whatever reason, they got too deep into debt pursuing the ‘dream life.’  Dream life for whom?  Not me.

I never understood the point of borrowing money for anything besides starting a business, learning a trade, or buying a house.  But with as fast as industries change anymore, owning a house can actually hinder a person’s career.  I know people who have had to turn down very lucrative promotions because they owned a house and couldn’t get that albatross around their neck sold quickly.  I also know people who were making six figures a year simply because they were flexible and could throw all their possessions in the back of a pickup truck and U-Haul trailer and be moved across country in a matter of a few days.  It seems to be in the modern economy that being flexible, not having unmanageable debt, and having skills that can transfer into several different industries is the new security.  To quote Randy Gage, “safe is the new risky.”

I am on disability pension, it is true.  It was the only way I could afford my medications once I couldn’t be covered under my parents’ insurance plans.  My mental illness also made the modern work place unbearable for me.  Even as a teenager I knew I wanted to work in a small group or even alone and not have to deal with strangers for hours on end every day.  Giving up my pre med course of study was one of the most painful things I ever did.  It was essentially me having to kill the dream of having a career in science.  I had wanted to work in as a research scientist since I was five years old.  Even as a child my favorite Disney character was Dr. Ludwig von Drake, an eccentric academic with a German accent loosely based on Werner von Braun, Albert Einstein, and Sigmund Freud.

Even though I went on to study business the last three years in college, deep down I knew I would never use the business degree in a traditional job setting.  But I didn’t know what else to do.  I didn’t want to go back home because there was nothing there for me.  I didn’t attempt to apply for disability when I was diagnosed because I had no idea how bad this illness really was.  I thought it was something that, while chronic, could be easily managed with medication and counseling.  I couldn’t have been more wrong.  The illness made traditional employment impossible.  Since I don’t come from an uber rich family, I couldn’t live off a trust fund and privately pay for my medications and therapy.  I went on disability because, well, I had no other option.  I stay on disability because blogging and internet research doesn’t pay the bills.

Some people think that because I’m on disability I just sit around, watch porn, drink beer, and vape nicotine all day.  Not so.  Even my parents have no clue how much internet research I do when it comes to science, technology, and other academic topics I always wanted to study in school but simply didn’t have the time to.  Since I have a disability pension, escaped college with one business degree and zero debt, and haven’t had a credit card debt in years, I can afford the life I want.

Right now, at this point in my life, I want to be the independent scholar writing a few blog posts every week and spending my evenings chatting with fellow science and tech enthusiasts.  It wasn’t the kind of life I wanted even ten years ago.  Back then I was working twenty hours a week, writing drafts for novels, making outlines for possible science fiction worlds, writing poetry every day, and studying philosophers ranging from Aristotle to Francis Bacon to Neitchze.  I did the regular work world while on disability because it could be done.  Got that out of my system after a few years and moved onto my current life as a blogger and scholar.

Where will I be in another five or ten years?  I don’t know.  But I don’t have to know.  I just know I have probably faced the worst of what my schizophrenia has to offer and have survived into middle age.  I have gained a few skills that, while not paying the bills, keep me busy and make me interesting.  I don’t often tell people I’m on disability, but they seem quite envious when I tell them that I’m a freelance writer.  My bank account will never make anyone forget the Rothschild family, but it doesn’t have to.  As long as I can buy food, keep my rent up to date, keep my internet paid for, stay out of debt, and have enough left over to buy some basic clothing every few months, I’m happy with where I am at.  I don’t need a ton of money or a prestigious career or a large family to justify my existence.  If there is a Judgement that the dead have to face for their deeds and misdeeds in life, I doubt the Divine Judge will be looking at anyone’s W-2 forms or 401(k).  He who dies with the most toys is still dead.  He just doesn’t have to witness his kids and grandkids squander the inheritance his decades of toil and stress made possible.  Hard work probably never killed anyone, but neither did taking time to learn things and appreciate nature and human achievement.

Arm Chair Philosophy During Thanksgiving

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Spending Thanksgiving week by myself.  I had my celebration a week ago as kind of a going away party for my parents.  I guess I don’t mind spending the week alone as I’ve spent much of my adult life alone.  I haven’t had a roommate since 2004 when I graduated college.  I would actually feel kind of strange having to share a roof and four walls with someone, especially if that someone and I got on each others nerves.

This isn’t the first major holiday I spent alone.  Several years ago I stayed home when my parents were hosting it because I felt a major breakdown coming on.  I wasn’t going to have a break in front of my niece and nephews, especially when they were still too young to go to school.  It was a sad deal in that it was also my grandfather’s last Thanksgiving.  He was diagnosed with cancer a few days later and died a couple months after.  I was fortunate to been able to host the last couple Christmas celebrations with my parents at my apartment.  Not sure what I’m doing this year as all my family is now living out of state.  But I have a few weeks to figure that out.  It could be I get snowed in and not able to go anywhere.  This time a year the weather is always a factor where I live.

Starting to sleep less again.  But I’m not staying up all night either.  I usually go to sleep around 10pm and am up usually around 2 am.  I prattle around for a couple hours and then go back to sleep for another couple hours.  I’m usually awake for good by 8:30 am.  I have been feeling quite stable lately too.  I’ve now gone a full year without a major breakdown.  First time I can claim that ever since I was in high school.

In spite feeling better overall, I really have no desire to go anywhere or socialize much.  I’m content to pretty much stay at home much of the time.  Home is where I feel comfortable and accepted, even if I am alone.  I don’t like socializing in person much anymore.  I’m almost scared of other people now, especially people I don’t know.  Maybe it’s a new aspect of my mental illness.  I don’t have the volatile mood swings but just have no motivation to see anyone or try anything new.

Perhaps I really am depressed and not wanting to go anywhere or see anyone is the way it’s being manifest.  I don’t feel an overwhelming sense of despondency or sadness, but I probably do have both.  I feel no need to socialize because, in my diseased mind, I already know the outcome of said socializing: We will talk about dumb and mundane things and not much will be accomplished from the meeting.  I guess I’m used to not much being accomplished.  I’m used to people outside of family not coming through on what they say they’ll deliver.  It’s like I expect things to not work anymore.  I’m probably suffering from apathy too.  I’m just too tired to fight against it anymore.  I’m used to things not working like they should. I’ve seen it my entire life I guess.  That’s one of the reasons I don’t understand the average person’s obsession with politics or working; people talk all the time yet nothing really changes and certainly not for the better.

I would almost swear that people are intentionally screwing up and doing what they know won’t work.  I can’t believe that people are so stupid as to do what they know won’t work over and over and yet be duped by every charlatan and con artist who comes along offering the same tripe with different packaging and names.  I guess that’s why I don’t socialize anymore.  I’ve seen it all before and I’ve heard it all before.  But nothing changes for the better.  The only real positive changes I’ve seen, at least in my life time, have come via science, technology advances, and humanitarian efforts.  Yet no one wants to talk about these.  But it is science, tech, and humanitarians that are making up for the gridlock in politics and the loss of trust in education, law, and religion.  I guess that people don’t pay attention to what really makes a positive difference.

For generations we have heard old men on their death beds lamenting how they spent too much time at work and not enough time with their spouses and children or grandchildren.  Maybe it’s finally starting to get through to the younger workers who seek a work life balance more than my generation or my parents and grandparents did.  I think I’ll say something like “Too bad I didn’t get the corner office or the company car when I was working” or “Why did I take the day off to take my nephews to the museum?  There was money to be made, dang it” just to break up the somber mood and my way of saying kiss off the old style Puritan work ethic that seems to believe that those who don’t work themselves into an early grave are going to hell.

I don’t regret not having a regular job anymore.  Most people I know who got rich didn’t do so by working forty hours a week for someone else.  They got that way by working for themselves and starting their own businesses.  But even as rich as some people I knew were, I still didn’t see them take with them to the afterlife.  Even the Pharaohs had their graves robbed over the centuries.  Get a large pile of gold and jewels only to have marauders run off with it or have it collect dust in some museum half a world away thousands of years later.  Hard work may have never killed anyone, but neither did enjoying the small things of life that money, power, and prestige can’t acquire.