Been feeling decent overall the last few days. Still sleeping a lot but too much sleep is better than having breakdowns. Even though I don’t leave my apartment for long periods of time, I still make it a point to stay active. I have an exercise bike I ride a little bit every day. And I have done arm weights three times a week for two months. I’m starting to notice improvements even if they aren’t coming as fast as I would like. But my health didn’t fall apart right away so it’s foolish to think I can gain it back immediately. It’s going to be a long process and it’s one I’m glad I began.
Been listening to more music lately. I renewed my subscription to Spotify a few months ago and I use it a little every day. My PC got fixed a couple weeks ago. I now have my primary gaming computer/backup to my Mac again. As much as I enjoy my computers, I was feeling like I was naked in public while running my blogs and online interactions with no backups. My PC took only a few days to fix. But my depression and anxiety has been strong enough I couldn’t bring myself to go across town to get it fixed. I finally had to sweet talk my dad into taking the computer to the shop when he was in town a few weeks ago. And to get it picked up, I sweet talked my cleaning lady/personal assistant into picking it up. It is tough for me to ask for help and admit weaknesses.
For most of my life I was the one who helped others out and voluntarily ran errands for family and friends. I was kind of a taxi service for friends and family in high school and college. I don’t remember how many times I ran friends across town or took them to restaurants when they wanted a break from the campus mess hall. Many of my friends didn’t have cars when we were in high school and college. And now I’m the one who asks for rides and delivery service because of the changing nature of my mental illness as I age.
I am convince people’s psychology does change with age. Mine certainly has. I look to avoid arguments and conflicts more now in my late 30s than I did even five years ago. I really no longer feel shame for wanting to be alone for long periods of time. And I know sometimes I can step away from friends and family for several days and pick up where I left off. A compliant of my romantic interests was that I was often too clingy and always wanted to be around my romance interests. I understand why. I wasn’t being attentive, I was being smothering. No one was meant to be all things to anyone. There are things I can talk with around family I won’t discuss with even close friends and vice versa. It took me awhile to learn that I don’t have to ask any one person to be everything for me. Mental illness stunted my social development in some ways.
In other ways it forced me to grow faster than most people. And it certainly made me question my core beliefs and who I really was and what I really liked doing. I am convinced had I never become mentally ill I would have never developed my ability as a writer and story teller. I am probably better at communication with a mental illness than I would be without one. I probably would be at a job I can’t stand because I would be too stubborn to quit and find something else.
I doubt I would have as wide a variety of interests had I remained mentally well. I know I wouldn’t have spent so many years learning different subjects at the university of Youtube videos. I have spent a shameful amount of time watching educational videos, science lectures, TED talks, and audiobooks on youtube over the last six years. And the thing is, I could spend the rest of my life learning things and I wouldn’t feel like I learned enough and don’t need to learn anymore. The more I learn, the more I realize there is even more out there. Einstein once said to the effect that the universe is far more strange than we can imagine. I’m learning that truth more and more with each passing day.
Overall I’m doing quite well. Starting to settle into summer routines even though it feels like early spring outside. I still have my bad moments, but at least they aren’t bad days now. Even my flare ups aren’t as intense as they were in recent years. My flare ups now involve more depression and less anger now. But things are looking better with each passing day.
Had a little bit of a flare up of irritability and anxiety this afternoon. Sometimes these can be started if I have too much caffeine in a real short time. And since I’ve been drinking more coffee and vanilla flavored cola the last several days and not sleeping as much as I usually do, it was only a matter of time before it caught up to me. Fortunately I navigated out of my flare up without taking it out on anyone. After a few minutes of fuming and fitting and ranting (though not yelling) and taking my irritability out by punching a few pillows and doing some arm weights, I think I’m back to my usual self.
The weather is quite decent today in spite being windy and partly cloudy all day. It’s been above freezing the last few days, so the snow and ice melts during the day. But it still gets below freezing after sunset, so it does make travel at night kind of unnerving for me. I never could have made it as a truck driver with as much as I don’t like driving in bad weather or heavy traffic.
As it is, it’s days like this that remind me that winter is just about over. And the start of Lent season for my Catholic friends is another reminder too. A college friend of mine teaches school in Netherlands and went to Italy for a few days this last week. He visited the Vatican and got to hear the Pope speak on Ash Wednesday. Definitely something on “the bucket list” for anyone with an interest in history and culture. The closest culture thing of that kind of magnitude I ever did was visit ancient Aztec pyramids and ruins when I visited Mexico City as a teenager. So glad I got to travel some and see a few cool things before the mental illness got to where it put a cramp on my physical health and ability to travel for days at a time.
Spring is about here. Baseball starts in a couple weeks, two of my closest friends have birthdays next week, my brother’s birthday is later in March, and the last season of Game of Thrones gets going, ironically on April 14, the day before tax deadline here in USA. April, May, and June have always been happy times of year for me. It’s isn’t icy or cold like winter, not too hot and humid like summer, and not the rush of activities that fall is with the start of school, harvest, preparing for winter, and fall sports seasons.
I didn’t get as much hard reading done as I would have liked this winter. Sure I made it a point to read every day, but I read mostly online articles for science and tech sites. Too bad more of this isn’t reported on the large media outlets, though they are getting better about it recently. I look forward to warmer weather and more sunshine. We went almost a month in my town without getting above freezing point. One of the longest bitter cold streaks I can remember. But the beginning of the end of winter is here.
We are still in the middle of winter in my hometown. Got a couple inches of snow on top of the glaze of ice a couple days ago. Haven’t really gone anywhere since the snow. Driving on ice kind of makes me afraid these days, more so than in the past. I guess since my car accident I have been more afraid to drive. I think that wreck messed me up more than I cared to admit, especially at first. Fortunately I don’t have to drive much if I don’t want to anymore. Most of what I need I can get here in town in less than a fifteen minute drive or even have it delivered to my house. I usually get my groceries delivered twice a month. I still sometimes run to the store if there is something I forgot. I admit that it’s been over a year since I set foot in a Wal Mart or Target. If I need something from those places bad enough, I usually order through Amazon or any other service. I usually special order my clothing via a big and tall men’s online store. Since I am a large man, sometimes finding a wide variety can be tough. The store where I previously bought most of my shirts and pants here in town closed a little over a year ago. In short, I can buy almost everything I need online anymore besides fuel for my car. The only time I write checks is when I pay my rent at the beginning of the month.
None of this would have been possible when I was in high school back in the 1990s. I didn’t even have an email address until I was a senior in high school, much to the shock of my nephews and niece. I rather enjoy shopping online I admit. Since I am much more a visual learner than auditorial, it is far easier for me to see the selection presented in an online format or even an old catalog than hearing about the specials over the phone or even talking to sales people in person. I used to work in sales when I was in my twenties. It used to be frustrating to me to lose sales because we didn’t have what my clients wanted in stock or it was the wrong color or style. We were only beginning the special orders online back in the early 2000s. Now I would feel almost naked in public without these options. Yet, as much as I enjoy shopping and interacting online, I do understand why some people lament the loss of going shopping, socializing, etc. in person. I used to do all my banking in person for years. But, as simple as my finances are, I can easily do every online now. The only reason I would need to set foot in my local bank is to buy quarters for my coin operated laundry machines in my complex. And I imagine it won’t be too many years before we go to the scan cards or something similar. I usually don’t buy much with folding money anymore, which makes me kind of strange in my family and in the small town I live in. I know some people in big cities have gone all digital money in most cases anymore. Even my cleaning lady accepts PayPal for her services.
I still read as much as I did in years past. It’s just now it’s more online articles, ebooks, and audiobooks now. Currently working on a couple audiobooks and a couple ebooks. I’m currently reading an English translation of the Quran and the Epic of Gilgamesh. I have read the King James Bible cover to cover when I was in college as well as some of the works of Sun Tzu and Confucious. I guess I have recently gotten more interested in foreign cultures than even previously. I have seen a few documentaries on ancient Egypt and Sumeria as well as some on Native American civilizations before the arrival of the Europeans. I have always loved learning and reading. I understand why some things aren’t covered in traditional school, sometimes because there just isn’t enough time to cover everything that could be enlightening and beneficial. If I were to die an unexpected premature death, I would hope to be found with a book in my hand or in front of a computer with a scientific article on the screen.
I admit to loving learning, sometimes just for my own enlightenment. Some may consider this intellectual vanity, I don’t know. But I will say that having easy access to the collected knowledge and wisdom of human civilization via the Internet has helped keep me occupied during my years with mental illness. Even though I can’t hold a forty hour a week job anymore, I try to make up for it through self directed study and sharing this wisdom with whoever wishes to hear it. The internet has been a godsend for me with my geeky and scholarly interests.
Been rather uneventful the last several days. I’ve been stable overall and staying sane. I keep in contact with friends and family on a daily basis, even on the days I don’t leave my apartment complex. I think I’m continuing to lose weight as my stamina is slowly increasing, my aches and pains are taking less time to overcome, and I don’t sleep twelve hours a day anymore. I now usually sleep eight. Most nights I go to bed around nine or ten p.m and wake up around four or five a.m. I usually wake up once in the middle of the night to visit the bathroom. I also sometimes nap for an hour or two in the afternoons.
I recently hired a cleaning person. She arrives once a week to help me keep the place up and cleaned. I get along with her fine. I hope I can keep her for a long time. I lost my last cleaner after she had heart problems and had to retire.
Winter is treating me alright. Fortunately January hasn’t been as bitterly cold as December, at least not yet. We had a big snow right after Christmas but most of that has melted by now. I can get out and about in my car, but some days I’m just content to stay at home. I stay in contact with family and friends, often online. Reminds me of the comic where the mother is telling her son to get outside and spend time with friends. And the boy says “But mom, I am spending time with my friends. We are all online.”
I find myself eating less this winter than previously. I still eat two protein rich meals per day, but the portions are getting smaller and I feel less hungry between meals. I also cut out most sugar and grains. Now I love foods like fried rice, spaghetti, etc. But they do make me feel sluggish and slow if I eat too many. I just feel better on days I don’t eat many carbs as opposed to days I do. It does mean spending more on groceries because I do better with proteins and fresh vegetables, but feeling better with fewer aches and pains is worth the cutbacks I have made in other parts of my life.
Bought myself a few new computer games with the Christmas money my parents gave me. Been experimenting with those. Also, got my PS3 straightened out so it rarely runs slow now. It was a pain to be playing Skyrim or college football only to have the game run slow or even completely freeze up in the middle of the action. One of the games I bought for my computer is called ‘Stellarius’. It’s kind of a futuristic Civilization type game where you can go colonize other star systems, mine astroids and gas giants, and contact other intelligent species. I’m still trying to figure it out. It’s one of the most complex and nuanced games I ever saw. It’ll take awhile for me to figure it out.
I’m doing well on my new psych medications. Things have seemed to settle down. I’m glad for it. I’m looking forward to the rest of winter.
I just don’t talk to anyone much anymore. But then it seems like people have been avoiding me too lately. I hope this is just my paranoia creeping in. But it does seem like almost no one has time or energy to just chat lately. I fear that I’m becoming this way too. I try to stay optimistic overall but it is tough. First, I’m not an optimist by nature as I wasn’t raised to be one. I was almost never told anything positive about the world or life in general from my elders as a kid. Made me wonder why anyone had kids if the world was falling apart as much as my parents, teachers, and church elders told me it was. But that was before I got out on my own and came to the realization that most people are more ruled by short term emotion than by long term logic. As someone who is part artist and part science enthusiast, I find my emotion and logical sides at conflict quite often. I have spent the better part of the last five years training up the logical part of my mind. It isn’t easy and it’s often frustrating. Bill Gates once stated that people tend to overestimate change in the short term but underestimate it in the long term. Getting to see what cool stuff happens next is one of the things that keeps me going. It’s the scientist, the engineer, the doctor, the humanitarian that gives me as much hope as most of my friends get out of their political parties. I try to explain to my friends that politicians can pass budgets, pass favorable laws, and then get out of the way. That’s about all they can do. I have never seen a politician build a power plant or figure out how to grow more crops with fewer chemicals. Many problems of modern civilization are science and engineering issues, not political or even social ones.
I just as well be speaking ancient Sanskrit to my friends in that they’re not coming around and probably never will. I would love to live in a world where the scientists and doctors were as well known and respected as pro athletes and big shot Hollywood stars. But I suppose that’s a pipe dream that won’t come true in my lifetime, if ever. As it is I am a mentally ill unemployed man trying to make sense of the madness in the people around me. At this point I’m glad I don’t have a regular job in that it would probably drive me to complete break down. I’m glad for the safety nets I have. It saddens and sickens me that there are people who want to remove even these. We live in a post industrial civilization where we can feed everyone, not some Stone Age Darwinian survival of the fittest setup our ancestors already overcame. Yet, it seems like some people are bent on bringing back the Stone Age. I hope it’s just my paranoia creeping in but it does seem like there’s too many people losing hope and giving up right before things get real interesting. As far as any politicians of any country go, they are merely “momentary masters of a fraction of a dot” to quote Carl Sagan. We would be wise to regain such perspective in our own lives.
Been staying close to home for the last few days. I still really don’t want to socialize much in person. Yet I still socialize online via facebook and youtube comments all the time. I have found that I’m having more pleasant and enriching conversations with people that have common interests than even people I see on a day to day basis. I’m beginning to think that connecting people from all over the world with similar interests but will never meet face to face is probably social media’s greatest contribution to humanity. I guess I find myself alienated from many people I’ve known for years, including some of my own family, simply because we don’t share similar interests. Kind of sad but at the same time I’m grateful that I can connect with people who share my enthusiasm for science, tech, and living overall. I can’t imagine how bad it must have been for future thinkers and optimists in previous eras or even when my grandparents were teenagers. I know that had I lived in Medieval times, I’d probably be under house arrest, burned at the stake, or just a serf farming someone else’s land. None of those seem worthy of my nostalgia.
I suppose as it is I will be happy that I have a means to connect with similar minded people even if they are on the other side of the world. I doubt I’ll live old enough to see a Virtual Reality setup where people with similar interests can form their own virtual towns or even virtual nations. But I guess I am honored to see in platforms like facebook, twitter, snap chat, etc. the crude beginnings of such virtual communities. Of course some will abuse it and get trapped in echo chambers. But if I’m going to be in an echo chamber, I just as well be in an optimistic one that either attempts to solve problems or even just serve as cheerleaders for those solving problems in the physical world. I never had the math scores to be an engineer nor the science scores to be a doctor, but I guess since I can’t be among those making the positives a reality, I’ll be among the ones who appreciate what they do and cheer them on.
I readily admit to being eccentric. I was such even as a child. In my more active years, I used to pace in the back yard for hours on end regardless of the weather just making up stories in my head. I’m sure this concerned my family some (and made me a butt of jokes among the school yard bullies), but I had an overactive imagination as a child. I was too scared to actually put any of this into writing. I guess I was paranoid even as a child. I used to make up all sorts of stories and characters. I kind of kick myself now for not making notes on some of those stories as I think some of them might have made decent science fiction or fantasy stories. But I never considered a career as a writer because I had heard so many horror stories about English and humanities students condemned to working minimum wage jobs after college. As it is now, the middle class is all but gone. I may have been happier as a double major in English and History rather than trying to be a medical scientist.
I guess now that I know myself much better at age 38 than I did at age 18, I know now that I am really a writer/story teller who is interested in science, rather than a scientist interested in writing. And I certainly am not the economist or sales man I studied to be when I studied business after it became clear my mental illness wouldn’t allow to go to medical school.
Since I’m starting to read much more again, I’m beginning to get the urge to try my hand at traditional writing again. I absolutely love blogging and I used poetry in my twenties to learn how to write and tell stories. But perhaps it is time to venture into new possibilities with my writings. I’ve had some of my poems published in small literary journals in the past. I did write the rough drafts of two novels when I was in my twenties. I made outlines for science fiction novels but never wrote anything serious. Once I even tried my hand at writing crime drama, and my only experience with crime was when I helped my boss catch a couple shoplifters during my first day on the job when I was in college. I wish I had kept my rough drafts of my old novels.
I became interested in writing as a means of story telling during my freshman year in college when I qualified for a place in an advanced English course. I find out I loved writing stories and essays in that class. I made some pretty good friends in that class too. One of those friends became a blogger too. I regret that I lost contact with her and everyone else in that class over the years. Even though I didn’t dive head first into writing after that class ended, I did become interested in literature. I must have spent as much time reading in the college library as I did studying for my business and economics classes during the last three years of college. I became so dedicated to pursuing this course of self study that I let much of my old college life go. I left my fraternity even though I had lots of friends in that group. I stopped dating to pursue knowledge. I guess I knew even early on that learning and story telling were the true loves of my life. Besides, fighting a mental illness I would have probably made a lousy husband and father.
I more or less lived in the library the last three years of college. But one of the purposes of formal education should be to at least give kids the tools to learn new things should they wish to once they leave school. I felt my formal education, first at a rural public school and then at a private college in York, Nebraska, did just that for me. And I am grateful every day that I wake up for being able to make it through college without any student debt. With as expensive as college is getting now, and how wages simply aren’t keeping up, I whole heartedly recommend against going to a four year college unless you are going for a STEM degree or can be guaranteed to get out debt free. I’ve seen too many friends crushed by student loan debts, robbed of their peace of mind, and working jobs they can’t stand just because of said debts. And much of what I learned in college can just as easily be learned with a few years of hard self study via the public library system, ebooks, and youtube videos. I dare say that I learned more in five years of hard self studying via the public library and youtube videos than I did in my formal education. But it was the formal education that planted that desire and need for knowledge and wisdom to begin with. These are some of my thoughts on my education and path to enlightenment as the school year starts again.