Frustration With My Schizophrenia and Apologies

Haven’t been doing well lately.  Spent the better part of the last week and a half being a hermit and trying to avoid everyone else’s drama.  Decided to venture out today.  First thing I see as soon as I leave my apartment is several of my neighbors involved in a major argument.  It was bad enough I should have called the police on these people.  But it wouldn’t have done any good and would have made me a marked man among my neighbors.  I rarely long for the past, but the level of civility I see among my neighbors and friends is pathetic.  I’ve say they are like children but even children don’t act as bad as what I see and hear on a daily basis.  We say to ourselves “I ain’t sparing the rod on my child because that ain’t what my daddy did.”  I see more adults who could use spankings and beatings than I do children anymore.

I have reached my breaking point.  I have spent months more or less alone because I no longer want to deal with rude and irritable people all the time.  And when I do get out to socialize, I am constantly bombarded by negativity and stupidity.  It’s enough to make a man pull his hair out.  It is healthy to cut negative people out of your life, I am living proof of that.  But, when the vast majority of people near you are in a negative and toxic mood, it makes for many long days at home alone.  Maybe I just have too much compassion.  Maybe I just have too strong of feelings and passions.  I definitely am a passionate person who will speak his mind even if it is unpopular.  Been this way since childhood.  It made me an outcast as a child and got me ignored as a young man and now it’s driving wedges between myself and my neighbors and friends.  I hate having strong passions and feeling.  I hate having schizophrenia make these feelings even stronger.  I am sorry I am what I am.

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