Been feeling decent overall the last few days. Still sleeping a lot but too much sleep is better than having breakdowns. Even though I don’t leave my apartment for long periods of time, I still make it a point to stay active. I have an exercise bike I ride a little bit every day. And I have done arm weights three times a week for two months. I’m starting to notice improvements even if they aren’t coming as fast as I would like. But my health didn’t fall apart right away so it’s foolish to think I can gain it back immediately. It’s going to be a long process and it’s one I’m glad I began.
Been listening to more music lately. I renewed my subscription to Spotify a few months ago and I use it a little every day. My PC got fixed a couple weeks ago. I now have my primary gaming computer/backup to my Mac again. As much as I enjoy my computers, I was feeling like I was naked in public while running my blogs and online interactions with no backups. My PC took only a few days to fix. But my depression and anxiety has been strong enough I couldn’t bring myself to go across town to get it fixed. I finally had to sweet talk my dad into taking the computer to the shop when he was in town a few weeks ago. And to get it picked up, I sweet talked my cleaning lady/personal assistant into picking it up. It is tough for me to ask for help and admit weaknesses.
For most of my life I was the one who helped others out and voluntarily ran errands for family and friends. I was kind of a taxi service for friends and family in high school and college. I don’t remember how many times I ran friends across town or took them to restaurants when they wanted a break from the campus mess hall. Many of my friends didn’t have cars when we were in high school and college. And now I’m the one who asks for rides and delivery service because of the changing nature of my mental illness as I age.
I am convince people’s psychology does change with age. Mine certainly has. I look to avoid arguments and conflicts more now in my late 30s than I did even five years ago. I really no longer feel shame for wanting to be alone for long periods of time. And I know sometimes I can step away from friends and family for several days and pick up where I left off. A compliant of my romantic interests was that I was often too clingy and always wanted to be around my romance interests. I understand why. I wasn’t being attentive, I was being smothering. No one was meant to be all things to anyone. There are things I can talk with around family I won’t discuss with even close friends and vice versa. It took me awhile to learn that I don’t have to ask any one person to be everything for me. Mental illness stunted my social development in some ways.
In other ways it forced me to grow faster than most people. And it certainly made me question my core beliefs and who I really was and what I really liked doing. I am convinced had I never become mentally ill I would have never developed my ability as a writer and story teller. I am probably better at communication with a mental illness than I would be without one. I probably would be at a job I can’t stand because I would be too stubborn to quit and find something else.
I doubt I would have as wide a variety of interests had I remained mentally well. I know I wouldn’t have spent so many years learning different subjects at the university of Youtube videos. I have spent a shameful amount of time watching educational videos, science lectures, TED talks, and audiobooks on youtube over the last six years. And the thing is, I could spend the rest of my life learning things and I wouldn’t feel like I learned enough and don’t need to learn anymore. The more I learn, the more I realize there is even more out there. Einstein once said to the effect that the universe is far more strange than we can imagine. I’m learning that truth more and more with each passing day.
Overall I’m doing quite well. Starting to settle into summer routines even though it feels like early spring outside. I still have my bad moments, but at least they aren’t bad days now. Even my flare ups aren’t as intense as they were in recent years. My flare ups now involve more depression and less anger now. But things are looking better with each passing day.