Tag Archives: mental health

Winter Routines and Loneliness

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Haven’t written in awhile.  But I guess I haven’t had much to report.  Been quite stable for a few weeks now.  I still sleep a great deal, mainly after I stay awake quite late.  I haven’t really gone anywhere for most of the winter.  We haven’t had as much snow as previous years and we have probably seen the worst winter is going to offer.  It did help that our traditional mid winter thaw was longer than usual, lasting almost two weeks.  I was able to spend more time outside and been out of my apartment more the last two weeks.  We have probably only a month of cold and icy weather left before spring comes into full effect.

It’s been a quiet and lonely winter for me.  I haven’t had house guests since Christmas and I haven’t had much for conversation with my neighbors this winter.  I think my social skills are deteriorating as a result.  But I have gotten to where I actually prefer to be alone with my thoughts, my writings, my computers, and my reading and research.  And I have gotten to where I really don’t mind sleeping ten hours a day.  I imagine as the days continue to get longer I’ll start sleeping less.  I usually sleep a lot in winter.

I haven’t really been depressed or irritable for weeks now.  I don’t know if this is because I avoid socializing or just avoid confrontations overall.  I still don’t watch any traditional tv and haven’t for weeks.  If it wasn’t for my video games I wouldn’t even own a tv.  Overall I’m getting by on little in terms of material possessions and trying to enjoy everyday as much as possible.

 

Relax

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Been kind of rough for me the last several days.  It’s been rough for a lot of people these days.  But that is not what this post is going to be about.  We all need a little cheering up.  For all my friends and family who keep posting good news about what else is going on around us, I thank you.  For my eccentric friends who post on science and technology, you have my thanks.  I saw in my newsfeed this afternoon a scientist in California is thinking about running for the U.S. Senate in 2018.  To which I say good.  We need more leaders who understand the positives and potential drawbacks to our rapidly advancing technology and science.  I see that just in the first month of 2017 alone, scientists have figured out how to use cultured stem cells to treat leukemia in babies.  I have seen that real life Iron Man Elon Musk is attempting to build his Hyperloop transport systems.  I have seen that scientists at Kansas State University have figured out how to mass produce graphene, which is much stronger, lighter, and more flexible than steel.  If this does pan out, graphene will prove to be to steel what steel was to iron or bronze was to stone tools.

I once wrote that regardless of who gets elected to public offices, science and tech advances won’t stop.  Science and tech keeps advancing, even if not as much in your home country as other places.  I should learn to relax.  We all should learn to relax.  We have violence and protesters now, we had violence and protesters back in the 1960s and even 1860s.  We got out of those messes.  We will get out our current mess.  It was said by a man much wiser than I am, “men go mad in mass but only come to their senses individually.”  People will come to their senses, maybe not as fast I would prefer.  But they will.  Relax.  The lights are still on, the water is still available, the internet is still up, and scientists and engineers are always solving problems.

Health Routines In Winter With Mental Illness

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Weather has been nicer the last few days so I’ve been getting out a little more.  Got restocked in time for the next round of snow to come through.  I’ve been kind of lazy about writing more recently.  But that’s really because I haven’t had much to report.  I’ve been quite stable for a long time now.  This is the longest unbroken period of stability I’ve had in almost two years.  My mental health loves it but my writing routine is suffering because of the stability.

I’ve been eating less the last few weeks than usual.  But that is by design.  Even though I’m still not exercising very much, I am noticing small differences from the last few weeks.  I make it a point to leave my apartment and drive my car a little each day.  I used to go two to three days in a row without driving, especially early in the winter when it was so cold.

About the only real complaint I have is I sleep more than I would like.  I usually stay up quite late and then sleep most of the morning.  Some days I even sleep past noon.  Needless to say this messes with my routines and my socializing.  Since it still gets dark early I usually don’t get much sunlight.  Sure I can read and get a lot done in the overnight hours, but I don’t get to socialize much because of my odd sleep patterns.  I still get enough sleep and I keep mentally stable.  It’s too bad I have no one to share this stability with outside of the internet.

Being Home Bound During A Cold Snap

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Bought groceries and cleaned in my apartment this morning.  I was running low on food supplies as it’s been too cold, snowy, and icy to go much of anywhere for most of the last week.  I’m currently taking a break from my cleaning to give an update as to what I’ve been up to for the last several days when I was home bound.

The weather started turning real cold around Tuesday of last week.  It had rained much of Monday so it was in icy mess.  We had a few inches of snow on Wednesday so that gave me even more incentive to stay home.  It was bitterly cold Thursday, Friday, and Saturday.  I stayed home, read a lot, played some computer games, and at sparingly for most of last week.  I walked the halls a few minutes at a time every few hours just so I wouldn’t spend all day sitting or laying down.  I remained in good mental health even if I was sleeping more mainly out of boredom.  I washed several loads of laundry early in the week just to break up the norm for a couple hours.  For the most part I was content to wrap up in my bed and sleep in until late morning most of last week.  It was too cold to go anywhere and I didn’t have much else going on.

I’ve been spending most of this day so far cleaning in my apartment and buying groceries.  I still have some cleaning left but as long as I get it finished today I’m in no real hurry.  I had been kind of lazy about cleaning during the recent cold snap.  But now that it’s starting to warm up I see being more active and not just staying inside all the time.  So far this has been one of the coldest winters I can remember in the last several years.  We have missed out on most of the snow but not on the cold and wind.  But we have another two and a half months of winter left.  And mentally I haven’t been this stable for prolonged periods of time since my grandmother died in August 2015.

Beginning of 2017 and So Long to 2016

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The holidays have come and gone.  I’m glad for it.  The too loud Christmas music and fireworks on New Year’s Eve were getting to cause me sensory overload.  I’m glad that things are going to start to return to normal.  I haven’t experienced any normal for a long time.  2016 was indeed an odd year.  Many of the heroes of my childhood, namely John Glenn, David Bowie, Muhammed Ali, etc. died that year.  I guess the older I get the more I’ll see the heroes of my childhood die off.  But as old heroes die off, new heroes will step up and take their place.

I spoke to my counselor right before New Year’s.  He and I agreed that I’m doing well enough that I only need to see him only once a month.  As tough as 2016 was for me I did escape the year without having to go to the mental hospital.  I’ve now avoided that place for three years.  I think the older I get the more I am able to deal with the ups and downs of my mental illness.  The last breakdown I had was before Halloween and the last one I had before that was back in July 2016.  And both of these breakdowns were less intense and less long lived than breakdowns in previous years.  Maybe I am getting on top of this mess.

Talked to my landlord the other day.  She said I’ll be getting my new paint for my walls and new carpet by the end of January.  I have been anxiously waiting for new carpet and a new paint job for months.  I have lived in my current apartment for over ten years.  I haven’t have much done to the place since I moved in.  And the carpet and paint on the walls are probably over twenty years old.  They are due.  I haven’t complained about them in the past simply because I knew whatever complaints I made would be ignored and not taken seriously.  I have had legitimate complaints over the years not taken seriously by my bosses, coworkers, teachers, classmates, and even family members.  So I am now to where I don’t complain unless it’s a major crisis because, from past experience, I know I won’t be taken seriously.  I never understood way complaints of subordinates and renters were never taken seriously  by those in authority.  I may be in my mid thirties but I still don’t trust authority figures because for years my complaints were always ignored.  That could be one of the reasons I isolate and don’t socialize.  I just know from past experience that my opinions are just not valued.  They never have been.  I don’t expect them to ever be valued really.  I have just been burned too many times.

I am glad the madness of the holidays and the insanity of the election are over.  Both have made my life very difficult for many months.  I am tired of having to hold my tongue for fear of offending a friend who doesn’t think exactly as I do.  I am tired of always fighting crowds and traffic every time I want to leave my apartment. I am tired of always feeling like I have to hole up and hide out just to protect my sanity.  I am ready for some things to return to normal.  I won’t miss 2016.  I only hope 2017 is a better and more hopeful year.  I got tired of seeing angry and hopeless people every time I turned on the tv, logged on to Facebook, or left my apartment.

 

Hosting Christmas With A Mental Illness

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I twisted my knee a few days before Christmas bad enough I could barely walk.  Fortunately after a few days of rest and ibuprofen I’m as good as new.  Since I couldn’t navigate stairs over Christmas, my parents came to my apartment on Christmas.  They brought Christmas dinner and a few gifts.  I hosted them for a few hours and they then went to Oklahoma to visit my brother’s family for a few days.  I was glad they left some left over turkey and pie.  Those were my meals the day after Christmas.

I didn’t get much for Christmas.  But I might be getting a FitBit in a few days once the crowds settle into the winter doldrums.  After my car accident I got lazy about exercising and dieting.  As a result I gained back most of the weight I lost in the previous two years.  I’m starting over.  I hope the FitBit can help in this regard.  I found out my general practice doctor retired recently.  So I’m in the market for a different doctor.  My psych doctor and therapist are also older men who are starting to think retirement too.  I’ve had my current psych doctor for over ten years and my current therapist for two years.  One of the problems of having a chronic illness like schizophrenia is that the illness outlasts even the best doctors because schizophrenia doesn’t retire.  Sure in my case the problems have gotten less severe over the years.  I don’t know if it’s because I’ve mellowed as the years have passed or I’m just getting better at managing the illness.  Either way I’m glad I have a routine that more or less works and has kept me out of the mental hospital for three years.

Another holiday season has come and passed.  I did pretty well mentally but I think that’s because I avoided crowds and shopping malls.  I’ve learned what I can and cannot handle over the years through trial and error.  It was a successful holiday season as far as I’m concerned even though I didn’t get to see my extended family.  It actually felt pretty good hosting a small gathering over Christmas this year.  I might have to do this more often if I can limit the size of the gathering.

Getting Back Into Routines

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Things have calmed down considerably for myself the last few weeks.  I’m back on my normal doses of meds and I haven’t had a mental breakdown since about Halloween.  I still haven’t worked up the nerve to brave the mall during the Christmas rush.  But I see no need to as I did all my shopping online this year.  I think I’ll be doing all my shopping online for the foreseeable future.

I have felt quite calm the last few weeks.  I’m back to mediating at least once a day.  I leave my apartment more now.  I just don’t go entire days without leaving the apartment anymore.  I still don’t watch regular news as I have realized I’m not missing much.  I really don’t watch regular tv anymore.  If my cable didn’t come with my apartment I’d cancel it.  I don’t use it.

I’m still eating less.  For a couple months when I was eating out twice a day I ate a lot and gained some weight.  Now I usually make it a point to have at least one day a week without meat.  Been doing that for several weeks now.

Slowly but surely I’m settling back into my traditional routine.  It’s been a long time since I had any calm for more than a few days.  I think it’s coming back.

Stretch Run To The Holidays

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It’s been colder than normal December, especially the last several days.  So I’ve pretty much stayed home, caught up on my reading, watched some videos on youtube, and played some computer games.  I’ve even eaten less these last several days but did rediscover my caffeine habit through coffee and diet soda pop.

Mentally I have felt surprisingly stable in spite not being able to get out of my apartment complex.  We haven’t had the bad snow that many places have but it’s just been so cold.  I’m pretty much content to curl up under a blanket and read most evenings.  But I haven’t had problems with anxiety, depression, or hallucinations for a long time.  I think it helps that I have made it a point to avoid the mall and Wal Mart this Christmas season.  I just don’t like crowds, bright lights, and loud music even on a good day.  I can’t imagine how tough sensory overload is for autistics during the holidays.

In spite the cold I still keep in contact with friends and family.  I’m calling someone at least once a day and I drop into Facebook a few times a day to check on friends and family.  I have been on Facebook more since the end of the election.  I’m so glad that people have more or less settled down from that madness.  It was actually quite unbearable for awhile knowing that every time I logged onto Facebook I was going to get a sermon from my friends about how the Republicans or Democrats were going to be the death of us all.  I just got so sick of hearing about it that I let many of my social connections go by the wayside.  I’m only now beginning to socialize again.

Christmas will be here soon.  I’m looking forward to the return to normal.  2016 has been anything but normal for me. Spent the first part of the year in chiropractic treatment.  Got burned out not the election even before the end of spring.  Spent the entire summer out of commission with a bad back.  Spent eh fall depressed and angry about how irritable and angry my friends were about the election.  And now I’m dealing with the stretch run for the end of the holidays.  My life has been unsettled since my car accident last October.  I’m just ready for things to settle down again.  I’m sick of all the needless drama and upheaval.

Changes In Interests With Mental Illness

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school201

Over the years of working with schizophrenia I have had to reinvent myself a few times.  When I was first diagnosed in 2000, I was a wreck.  I pretty much left my dorm room only to go to classes and go to the mess hall twice a day.  I couldn’t concentrate in classes or doing homework for longer than a couple minutes at a time.  I was trying different medications twice a month just hoping to find something that would work.  As a result of these struggles I had to drop out of my pre med major.  I even had to take a semester off from college because I was in danger of flunking out entirely.  After a few months off the academic grind and finally finding some medications that worked well, I was able to return to school be it with a different major.  I decided to do business management because I really knew little about money and business and thought I could find a job in that field once I recovered.  I never did completely recover but I did graduate college with a business degree.

After a year of working in sales I tried my hand at getting a masters’ in business.  At the time my dream was to teach basic economics and personal finance at a small college.  That was before I realized how tough it was to get tenure and that the majority of junior college instructors are not full time.  After two semesters in the program my grades were hurting enough that I lost my graduate assistant job.  I could have stayed in the program but I would have to go deep into debt.  So I left the program.  After my failing to become a college instructor, I got a job in a factory.  It was simple enough work but I couldn’t adapt to the overnight hours and my work suffered as a result.  Two months of this I decided I would put in for a transfer to morning shift.  I was denied so I quit.  It also didn’t help that I was threatened by one of my coworkers with violence because of my mistakes.  A few years later I heard that the factory was shut down.  So many people lost their jobs, probably due to automation.  It made me kind of thankful I didn’t stick it out with that job.

About the same time I failed at the factory, I applied for disability pension.  It took two years to get approved for it, and that was even after I hired an attorney to fast track the process.  Here I was with a mental illness that clearly ruined my ability to work and I was getting to where I was running out of money.  Shortly after I gave up on the factory, I moved into low income housing because that was all I could afford.  I could have moved back with my parents but the mental health care in that rural of an area was quite primitive.  And I was too embarrassed to face the people of my hometown with a mental illness.  Ten years ago there was even less understanding about mental illness than there is now.  Small town gossip is vicious and unavoidable.  I didn’t like living in my parents’ town as a kid because I never fit in and my skills sets weren’t conducive to a farming dominated economy.  I may live in a town of about 40,000 people (which isn’t big compared to many places) but it has far more to offer than my parents’ town of less than 500 people.  I just didn’t want to go back home, admit defeat, and face the scorn of the people of my hometown.  To this day I still won’t go back for class reunions or alumni events.  Too many people just don’t want to accept that mental illness is real.

As a result of having to abandon my childhood hometown, I had to find other means of socializing.  That’s about the time I signed up for a Facebook account.  The majority of my contacts on Facebook are with people I met in college.  I don’t have that many friends from my old grade school and high school days.  I hear from really only one of my friends from my high school days on a regular basis anymore.  One of my best friends from junior high I haven’t talked to in over ten years.  Some of my classmates I haven’t seen since graduation.  But I did enjoy college much more than high school, even if it was a religious school and I was beginning to question the teachings and dogmas of the religion grew up with even back then.  The majority of my friends from college are still in the same denomination I grew up in, but they seem to be understanding on why I don’t attend church anymore.  I haven’t been a regular in church in almost ten years.  It just seems ineffective and pointless.  People have been praying for cures for illnesses and deliverance from  danger for centuries.  Sometimes they get what they want, sometimes they don’t with no rhyme or reason behind it.  I guarantee the early Christians being fed to lions in Roman coliseums were praying like mad, just like the Jews in Nazi occupied Europe, or the people killed in every other crisis.  I gave up on organized religion once I came to realize that if there is a God (and let’s be honest, no one knows for exactly sure), than God was hap hazard in spreading the blessings and curses around.  If my friends and family want to continue going to church and believing what they do, I refuse to stand in the way.  I just won’t partake.

Once I left religion and made up my mind I would never marry, I had to find other outlets for socializing.  I joined writers’ groups, I took part in mental illness support groups, I volunteered at a museum for a summer, I started writing seriously, I worked on a blog with an old high school friend of mine, I wrote the rough outline for what would be this blog, I wrote rough drafts for two novels, I wrote hundreds of poems and even got a few of them published, I self published my mental illness writings and poems and sold a few dozen copies of those through local bookstores, I made friends with fellow artists and writers, I made friends with a few smart and eccentric people even in Section 8 housing.

Sadly several of my old friends in my apartment complex died in the last couple years.  I left my job at the county courthouse once I found out I could live on my disability pension and could get serious about writing.  Several months after I left my job at the courthouse I started this blog.  As the months went on I started getting a bit of an audience.  I found out I have a talent for putting ideas and words into written form.  At first I did this blog only every two weeks.  I was getting a few readers that way.  After a year I decided to post once a week.  I started getting more readers and some feedback.  Found out I was fulfilling a niche in the writing market that many people don’t know exists.

Mental illness is a problem that isn’t going to be swept under the rug anymore.  With more people feeling stressed about possibly losing their jobs to automation and globalization, people my age bracket and younger realizing that in spite their best efforts they won’t have as nice of a house or the job security of their parents and grandparents, and people just being depressed and stressed about the changes and crisises going on that we hear all about because of mass communications, mental health issues are going to be affecting more people.  And I’m writing about life with mental health issues, not having traditional employment, and having to make meaning and purpose in my life inspite all that has happened in the last twenty years.  And I will continue to post these blogs.  I don’t care if I make a dime off my writing anymore.  Most writers don’t make anything off their writings anyway.  I just want these writings to stick around for a long time and maybe make a positive difference for those affliceted with mental illness and their loved ones.

 

Routines

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I did go and do some shopping on Black Friday.  That is, if grocery shopping counts.  Bought enough food to last several days.  I haven’t eaten fast food in a few days as I’m doing my own cooking again.  I’ve also had some of my psych meds doses lowered as I’ve been stabilizing for a few weeks.  I sleep a little less now.  I’m staying up later again but I really don’t drink that much caffeine.  I have all but given up coffee and I usually have only one or two soda pops a day.  I notice I feel less tense and short tempered since cutting back on the caffeine.

I’m back to eating less too.  For several weeks I was practically living off fast food and I have no doubt my health suffered.  Now that I’m back to cooking my own meals and eating healthier I am gradually noticing small improvements.  My stamina is beginning to come back, I am not as irritable, I am not as short tempered, my flare ups aren’t as bad, and I’m getting better sleep.  I think I have also lost a few pounds as my clothes are fitting a little looser.

I’m looking forward to winter even though I missed the summer with back problems and had more stress than usual during the fall.  I love the chilly weather, I don’t mind shoveling snow, I love spending time with family over Christmas, I enjoy watching college football games all day on New Year’s, and I like making cold weather food like potato and cheese soup and chili.  My Christmas shopping is done as I just did everything online this year.

I didn’t get what I wanted accomplished health wise this year.  I gained back much of the weight I had lost in 2014 and 2015.  Some of this came after I hurt my back and lost a summer’s worth of exercise.  Some of this came as I was more depressed and unstable this year than some of my previous years.  But for the last few weeks I’ve been having more of a sense of stability than I have had for months.  I’ve actually gotten some of my more healthy routines going again.  I still don’t socialize much in my apartment complex as I’m trying to avoid negative and depressing people.  I’m gradually getting back on Facebook.  I avoided it as much as I could for most of the fall.  But now that winter is almost here I’m getting to where I want to socialize to break up some of the colder, slower days.