The holidays have come and gone. I’m glad for it. The too loud Christmas music and fireworks on New Year’s Eve were getting to cause me sensory overload. I’m glad that things are going to start to return to normal. I haven’t experienced any normal for a long time. 2016 was indeed an odd year. Many of the heroes of my childhood, namely John Glenn, David Bowie, Muhammed Ali, etc. died that year. I guess the older I get the more I’ll see the heroes of my childhood die off. But as old heroes die off, new heroes will step up and take their place.
I spoke to my counselor right before New Year’s. He and I agreed that I’m doing well enough that I only need to see him only once a month. As tough as 2016 was for me I did escape the year without having to go to the mental hospital. I’ve now avoided that place for three years. I think the older I get the more I am able to deal with the ups and downs of my mental illness. The last breakdown I had was before Halloween and the last one I had before that was back in July 2016. And both of these breakdowns were less intense and less long lived than breakdowns in previous years. Maybe I am getting on top of this mess.
Talked to my landlord the other day. She said I’ll be getting my new paint for my walls and new carpet by the end of January. I have been anxiously waiting for new carpet and a new paint job for months. I have lived in my current apartment for over ten years. I haven’t have much done to the place since I moved in. And the carpet and paint on the walls are probably over twenty years old. They are due. I haven’t complained about them in the past simply because I knew whatever complaints I made would be ignored and not taken seriously. I have had legitimate complaints over the years not taken seriously by my bosses, coworkers, teachers, classmates, and even family members. So I am now to where I don’t complain unless it’s a major crisis because, from past experience, I know I won’t be taken seriously. I never understood way complaints of subordinates and renters were never taken seriously by those in authority. I may be in my mid thirties but I still don’t trust authority figures because for years my complaints were always ignored. That could be one of the reasons I isolate and don’t socialize. I just know from past experience that my opinions are just not valued. They never have been. I don’t expect them to ever be valued really. I have just been burned too many times.
I am glad the madness of the holidays and the insanity of the election are over. Both have made my life very difficult for many months. I am tired of having to hold my tongue for fear of offending a friend who doesn’t think exactly as I do. I am tired of always fighting crowds and traffic every time I want to leave my apartment. I am tired of always feeling like I have to hole up and hide out just to protect my sanity. I am ready for some things to return to normal. I won’t miss 2016. I only hope 2017 is a better and more hopeful year. I got tired of seeing angry and hopeless people every time I turned on the tv, logged on to Facebook, or left my apartment.