I am feeling extra creative today. So here is a second blog entry. Consider it like a buy one, get one free kind of day. I haven’t held regular paid employment since spring 2012. I decided to get out of the regular work life because I could tell it is beginning to take it’s toll on my stability. It also didn’t help that the more I worked, the more disability benefits I lost and the more I paid in rent. I did the math back then and realize for every dollar I made in labor, I lost over 70 cents in reduced benefits, increased rent, taxes, etc. Tell me where the incentive to get off disability is. There isn’t any. Besides, my schizophrenia makes holding a forty hour per week job and dealing with workplace politics impossible. It was becoming more trouble than it was worth.
After I left my last regular job, I got serious about blogging. I had been writing regularly since I was in college but decided to focus my energies on blogging about mental illness. I wrote a couple poetry books and rough drafts for a couple novels in addition to keeping extensive journals. Unfortunately I don’t have most of my original writings anymore. In my paranoid state I feared that others would see my personal writings and hold them against me. That’s why I got rid of most my journals and poetry from my twenties and early thirties. I don’t even self publish my poetry anymore. I haven’t even written a poem in three years, instead focusing on the blog for the time being.
Even though I haven’t written poems or novel drafts for a few years doesn’t mean I have given up on those genres. I still occasionally read poetry. I haven’t read much fiction outside of Issac Asimov, Corey Doctorow, and H.P. Lovecraft in a few years. I have concentrated on science and tech books instead. I imagine in a few years something else will catch my mind’s eyes and I’ll dive into that.
I used to make up stories all the time as a kid. It’s too bad I never wrote any of them down. I used to spend hours on end roaming my back yard and the alley ways of my hometown just making up stories and thinking in my childhood. It was something I wanted to do and even needed to do for myself. As much as I loved learning and exercising my mind in school as a child, school by itself didn’t satisfy my appetite for learning and mental stimulation. It only served as an appetizer I suppose. It made me want to learn more on my own. And fortunately I lived in an area that allowed me to explore on my own and had parents who were willing to tolerate that I desired so much time alone to learn and think. I dare say that thinking is my favorite pastime. And of course good luck doing that at a regular forty hour per week job unless you work at a think tank or as a scholar.
I suppose that is what I am, an independent scholar. I have always been that. Even as a little child I hated being told what to think. I always wanted to know. I wanted to read the original works of literature of philosophers and scholars. I didn’t just want to take someone else’s word for it. Sure it got me into trouble over the years with authority figures, but I just couldn’t just go along to get along and blindly accept what I was told. I never have been able to just shut off my mind and go on cruise control. It has gotten me into trouble at jobs and at school, but it made my life more interesting. It made me a better friend to others as well.
Overall I know with my mental illness I couldn’t hold a regular job for long without breaking down. I have been like this for my entire adult life. Fortunately I have disability pension and Medicaid. Without these I would probably be dead or at least in prison. And what a waste either one would be. I dread to think how many people over the ages had creativity and genius but it was lost because they were forced to spend their lives in conditions they couldn’t control. I am sure many geniuses spent their entire lives as slaves or serfs or toiling in some job they couldn’t stand. I am sure many people were never allowed to develop their talents because of the prejudices and social norms of their eras. I only hope we continue to get better at finding people’s talents and allowing them to develop. If we as individuals can’t or won’t help kids develop their skills and gifts, the least we as individuals and grown ups can do is get out of the way.