December 14, 2023

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Sleep

Staying up late most nights the last several weeks. Get my best sleep in the late mornings. I sleep half of the time in my recliner and the other half in my bed. Seems to be easier on my back that way.

Pain

My joint pain is completely gone. Has been for a couple weeks now. My routine for joint pain involves Tylenol, Turmeric, Glucosamine Chondroitin, and Hemp Oil. My pains are in check enough that I am now working on strengthen my heart again. When I was in long term care this time a year ago, I was doing physical rehab three times a week at minimum. Sure, the knees hurt some, but once I convinced my doctor to put me on regular Tylenol every day, the pain cleared up enough for me to get through the rehab.

Physical Health

I always enjoyed lifting weights, so I often went into the rehab room to lift on days I wasn’t scheduled for rehab. I even lifted on weekends as the rehab staff was kind enough to leave one part of the rehab room unlocked on the weekends and holidays for those who were really dedicated to getting better. We even had a couple 90-year-old residents who were retired farmers in my facility who did rehab just to keep moving.

Blood Pressure

My blood pressure is still good. I check myself once a week. Still retaining water, mostly in my groin area. But with some extra water pills, the swelling has gone down considerably in the last few days. The water retention is due to congestive heart failure. Once I had water retention bad enough, I was able to lose like 30 pounds just off water loss in only two weeks. Wasn’t enjoyable having to urinate many times a day, but the mobility drastically improved at the end of those two weeks.

 Housing Situation

Still on the waiting list for Oklahoma City Housing Authority for once a handicap accessible apartment becomes available. It’s best for me and my family I do move out on my own once a place becomes available.

Interpersonal Relations

My parents and I are definitely set on our ways and have different priorities and schedules. In many ways I’m the opposite of most of my family. We still support each other. They have owned up to past mistakes and are making amends. Life’s too short to be holding grudges forever. I’ve made my peace with my past.

Good News in My Recovery from Heart Failure

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It’s been almost two weeks since I had any pain while walking or standing. I don’t need a wheelchair or a walker to get anywhere in the house anymore. I still like to keep my hands free as much as possible in case I have to brace on a wall or sturdy piece of furniture. I don’t even have back pain after lying in bed for five hours. I’m now onto strengthen my heart. I can get in and out of cars easily. I need the wheelchair only if I have to go long distances in public. I still breathe kind of hard after standing for a few minutes. Even that is getting easier. I still get short of breath, but the recovery times are improving every few days.

Still working on getting rid of the excess water retention. Been taking an over-the-counter diuretic for a few days. The problem is mostly solved now. Should be completely cleared within a few more days. It’s so much easier to move and walk now that I’m not carrying excess water. I’ve also forced myself to limit my fluid intakes for several days.

Finally got over my cold. It had been hanging on since Thanksgiving. I usually get one bad cold every year in late November or early December. I don’t have any doctors’ appointments until after Christmas.

I had forgotten how good it feels to walk without knee or back pain. First time since 2019 I haven’t had to deal with either. Now I’m onto getting my heart healthy again. I think I’m also losing weight again. I usually go more by how my clothes fit and how easily I can accomplish things as opposed to checking numbers on a scale every few days.

I’ve been here in Oklahoma for ten months. The only thing I haven’t accomplished yet is getting my own apartment. I’m on the waiting lists for several places in the OKC metro area. I’ve already been approved for the program; they are just waiting for a handicap accessible apartment to come open. After living with family for ten months after being on my own for over 18 years, I’m ready to move onto the next chapter of my life. My recovery from heart failure has gone better and faster than I thought it would when I started this back in May 2022.

Updates from A Life of Mental Illness

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The Joys and Pains of Schizophrenia

Decreases in Chronic Pains

My knee and back pains are completely gone. Have been for over a week now. I had forgotten what it was like to walk without pain. I’m now in the process of getting my heart stronger. Still have shortness of breath after standing for a few minutes. Can tell my walking distance is getting a little longer with each passing day. Don’t use a walker in my house, but usually still keep at least one of my hands free in case I need to brace on a wall. I don’t need my wheelchair anymore except for when I go out in public and have to travel long distances. 

Getting in and out of cars and vans is easy now. I still haven’t tried the step up into a pickup truck yet. But I really don’t see why it would be much of a problem. My water retention has gone down drastically in the last few days. Have to take some over the counter diuretic but it’s doing the trick. I can walk a lot easier now. 

Sleep Patterns and Mental Health

Most nights I’m up all night except for a couple hours sleep sessions twice a night. Get most of my best sleep in the late mornings now. I’ve found that my sleep patterns change with the seasons. I usually am the most anxious and depressed in the summers. I’m usually my happiest in the spring. Usually write my best material in the fall and winter. So there is a seasonal aspect to my mental health. Even as a student I did better academically in the spring than the autumn.

Haven’t had problems with mental health in several months. It helps that I go out of my way to avoid stressful people and situations. People in general and in person are far more stressful to me than most. Being alone for days at a time doesn’t bother me. Actually, prefer socializing over the phone or online as opposed to in person. I certainly don’t like being out in public with large numbers of people.

Won’t be going to any big Christmas celebrations this year. My parents are hosting one at our house where it will be just the three of us and my brother, his wife, and their four kids. I usually prefer to host guests for holiday gatherings anymore. I still avoid family gatherings. Have for several years now. The last several years of crisis after crisis has taught whom I can and can’t trust. Sadly, I’ve found I can trust complete strangers more than I can some family members I’ve known my entire life. That really sours a lot of things for me.

Thinking About Getting Back Out on My Own

After living in the guest wing of my parents’ house for ten months, I’m so ready to have my own place again. While I probably would be safer here in the suburbs, there is no way I can afford to live here on just a disability pension. I really don’t need the space of an entire house anyway. I could easily get away with a studio apartment if I didn’t have to navigate stairs and could avoid my neighbors all the time.

An ideal place would be exactly what I had back in Nebraska for 16 years but on ground floor and without nosy neighbors. I’m at the point in my life where I’ve come to the conclusion, I’m not going to please most people, so I just avoid them as much as possible. Out of sight, out of mind I suppose. I don’t care if I please anyone. I just don’t want to hear about anymore. Far too many people can’t be pleased no matter what. Being a people pleaser is a fool’s errand.

Diet and Weight Loss

I’m feel like I’ve been losing weight for the last several weeks. Originally lost 170 pounds between January 2020 and February 2023. Gained 20 pounds back in the first three months here in Oklahoma. Changed my diet after that. I gave up bread, most sugars, most carbs, cut back on portion size, stopped snacking between meals, etc.

While I buy my share of the family food, I have found it easier to do portion controls if I have either my mom or dad make my meals instead of myself. While I am perfectly capable of handling myself in the kitchen, even with a wheelchair, I found I eat less if I have someone else handing out the portions. Still order delivery pizza two to three times per month as my only splurge. 

For the most part I keep to myself. I do chat with my parents usually a couple times per day. But I make it a point to not bother them much. I’ve found I do a lot better when I’m not expected to socialize all the time. Don’t watch for tv, so I usually retreat to my office and my writings when my parents want to watch a few westerns or binge watch a few shows on Netflix.

Conclusions

Overall things have been going very well since the end of summer. Once a handicap accessible apartment becomes available, everything I sought to accomplish since I started physical rehab and medical treatments for heart failure back in May 2022 will have been accomplished. I just didn’t think I would be as far along as I am now a year and a half ago. 

Resources for Supporting a Loved One with Schizophrenia

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The Joys and Pains of Schizophrenia

Supporting someone with schizophrenia can be challenging, but also rewarding. You can help your loved one by being compassionate, understanding, and encouraging. Here are some tips on how to support someone with schizophrenia, based on the web search results:

You can find more information and advice on how to help someone with schizophrenia from these sources:

I hope this helps. 😊

Making Money Blogging

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Been putting a lot of my writings on Medium for the last couple months. Just got this email notice from them today. In short, I made a few bucks from my blogging on Medium.

Hello Zach Foster!

From November 1 – December 1, 2023, your members only stories on Medium earned a total of $6.96 (USD). Your payment was sent to your connected Stripe account on December 8, 2023, and will automatically transfer to your bank account or debit card on file. This may take up to 5-7 business days.

This is a thank you from Medium and its paying members to you. We greatly appreciate your willingness to share your stories, wisdom, and knowledge with us.

Struggles With Career and Finances

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One of my friends works for a trucking company. The company recently announced no raises or bonuses for the next year. And this was before one of their largest clients cancelled their contracts. She’s worried she might be getting laid off within the coming months. I think she has good reason to be worried. Companies have been laying off white collar office workers since the end of the pandemic by the thousands even though they are still profitable. I’m convinced many of these layoffs can be attributed to the rise of cheap automation and AI. Another friend of mine worked for an internet provider in a major metro area during the pandemic. He was classified as an ‘essential worker.’ Caught covid three times, his wife died of ovarian cancer, and he still got laid off (along with his entire department) in spring 2022. My best friend works for a real estate management company, makes decent money, has no student loans, but still can’t afford to rent a one bedroom apartment in her city. She could do much of her job remotely (and wants to move to a cheaper rural area) but her company refuses to play ball with her. Another friend of mine is a teacher in a rural area in the Midwest. He has three small children. Even his house has doubled in value since he and his wife bought back in 2017. This isn’t a fancy suburb, it’s a small farming town. He says most of the available housing is being bought up by well to do retirees from out of state. In some cases, these people just use these places as rentals. Since wages in rural areas are already lower than urban areas, many of the locals can not afford to even rent these houses they could have easily afforded even ten years ago. Many people can’t even afford to be renters, unless they have roommates, second jobs, government assistance, help from family, or all of the above.

Everyone I know is struggling. About the only person my age I know whom isn’t struggling is my brother. He works as an electrical engineer for a defense contractor. He’s in his mid 40s, has a masters’ in business and engineering, and makes really good money. But even he could be subject to getting laid off in favor of a younger and cheaper engineer. His wife works for the same company. It’s possible they could both get laid off at the same time. While engineering jobs are safer than accounting or most office work, there still is no such thing as job security anymore. We are all hired guns these days. Your boss simply does not give a damn about you, how hard you work, how loyal you are, your family, your community, etc. They simply can’t afford to anymore, especially not with the competition being world wide and now including automation, AI, and robots. My parents had to compete with only other Americans. My generation had to compete with the entire world. My nephews’ generation has to compete with the entire world and machines.

Bosses don’t care about workers any more than they are legally obligated to. Never have. Never will. It’s why slavery in it’s various forums was (and still is) so big. Slavery used to be accepted as normal and even legally protected for most of written history. Minimum wage laws became a thing precisely because bosses would pay even lower if they could. And don’t even get me started on company towns and stores. Those are starting to make a comeback in some places. And since much of the work can now be automated, outsourced, etc. to machines, they really can get away with making it obvious they don’t care about workers and their communities.

I have to admit, seeing my friends and family struggle in their early 40s makes me kind of thankful to have schizophrenia. Sure, the paranoia, delusions, hallucinations, depression, and chronic anxiety suck, but at least I have some kind of social security disability pension, easy access to medical care, low-income housing possibilities, etc. The medical treatments may not be top quality, but I’m not going to go bankrupt if I get cancer or have to have a long term stay in a mental hospital.

In some twisted ways developing schizophrenia in my late teens and struggling really bad in my twenties until I qualified for social security disability was a blessing in disguise. Sure, it took me many years to realize it, but I am debt free, child free, never been married or divorced, have some emergency savings, and I get to spend all day every day just expanding my knowledge and learning new skills. In some sick backwards kind of way, I stumbled into my dream life. I always wanted to be a scholar.

I always felt more at home in old libraries, museums, art galleries, writers’ conferences, and educational sites on YouTube then I ever did even in my own house. For me, getting to acquire knowledge is the greatest job I could ever have. It might not pay well, but it has taught me how to live (and acquire some savings) even on disability wages. Sure I’ll never get rich and own a nice house in the burbs, but I don’t want to be a homeowner.

In my case, it’s better to be a renter. I can easily move, if need be, I don’t have to worry about fixing my own toilet, don’t have to mow lawns or shovel snow, have easy access to public transit and Uber services, etc. Besides, does anyone really own their own home outright even if it is completely paid off? Try not paying your property taxes and HOA fees and you will find out pretty damn quick who really is in charge of your castle. In short, I may not have good health, children, a wife, a career, prestige, etc. Yet, I feel more content and at ease with my lot in life than most of my friends and family who do have such things.

Survival Instinct During Mental Illness and Great Changes

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Got another notice from the city housing authority yesterday, stating that I was approved for yet another waiting list on yet another apartment complex. Been burned too many times to get excited about it. I filled out the online application. Yet I expect nothing to come of it. I’ve just settled in for the long haul. It’s very possible a wheelchair accessible low-income place ever comes open before I die. I’ve come to accept that things rarely work out like they’re supposed to.

As much as I would love to have my own place again, I have made my peace with the idea that I very well may have to live with my family for the rest of my life. My parents are elderly and in declining health. I may have to go live with my brother. I don’t know how that would go as my brother and I didn’t have much of a relationship as children and we don’t have much in common as 40 something adults. It’s a huge blow to my pride that I may never be on my own again. But at least I am still alive and fighting. Some days I don’t know what keeps me going other than old fashioned survival instinct.

I’ve only recently realized just how powerful the survival instinct in a person is. I’m beginning to understand how people can eat out of garbage cans, or even each other if things got bad enough. When I saw the movie ‘Alive’ as a teenager back in the 1990s, I was squeamish about the survivors of the plane crash in the Andes mountains eating their own dead in order to stay alive. But, until I saw that movie, I didn’t realize that Catholics (whom most of the survivors of that crash were) considered eating human flesh extremely evil. But many of them did survive long enough that some of the healthiest survivors were able to hike out of the mountains and get help. They survived for I’m guessing over 4 months in the Andes Mountains until they were rescued. And this was based on a true story about a soccer team (I think) back in the 1970s. I imagine some of them are still alive today in 2023.

Things have been really challenging ever since my old friend Pastor Verne died in 2014. In the next ten months, I lost two more close friends and my last grandparent. In October 2015, I was in a car wreck that did over 5000 dollars worth of damage to my car. Since I was not at fault, the other driver’s insurance covered my car repairs and medical treatment. I messed my back up pretty bad and had to have three months of chiropractic therapy. Even after the therapy was over, I was still anxious about driving. I gradually drove less and less. In 2017, I started buying everything online and having it delivered to my apartment. I guess it was a good trial run before the pandemic hit in 2020. In 2019 I sold my car and started having severe knee pains all day, every day. The knees hurt so bad that I become homebound. I complained about the pains to my doctor in December 2019, but nothing was done. I was scheduled to have a follow up appointment six months after. In March 2020, the covid pandemic came to America. And everything changed after that.

Since the hospitals and clinics were overwhelmed with covid patients, I decided to shelter in place. I have preexisting conditions, like schizophrenia and sleep apnea, that probably would have made covid worse. Much to the irritation of most of my family and former friends (I have lost close to 75 percent of my previous friend base due to contentious politics and culture war garbage and no longer feel safe going to family functions), I treated covid like I had gotten drafted to go to war. I sheltered in place until I got my first vaccine in May 2021. Between March 2020 and May 2021, I never left my apartment without a facemask or hand sanitizer. Most of my family and neighbors were upset I did this, but I didn’t ask for anyone else to do the same not even once. Sure it was lonely spending day after day alone. But I read alot, lifted arm weights almost daily, got serious about watching my diet, gave up sugar and most carbs. Between March 2020 and February 2023 (when I left Nebraska for Oklahoma) I lost over 170 pounds.

In September 2021, I was diagnosed with congestive heart failure. Once that got stabilized, I went back to my apartment in Kearney. For the first three months I had a home health nurse come check in on me once a week. This was going great until it was suddenly discontinued after only three months. When I applied to get back in the program, I was denied and told it was only temporary for everyone. My doctor refused to renew my scripts through telemedicine (even though my psych doctor did so with psych medications all through the pandemic). Since I had no car anymore, and public transit in my previous hometown was essentially non existent, I could no longer make it to my appointments. My family was 500 miles away at the time. In May 2022, I started having heart failure issues again.

This time I decided I wasn’t going to repeat the past mistakes. I requested going to assisted living in a place where, not only could I get my heart problems stabilized, but I could also get physical therapy too. I found a place in a real small town a 2 hour drive away from my hometown. My initial plan was to stay there for a couple years, rehab my heart, get my meds straightened out, and then relocate to Oklahoma City where the rest of my family now was. My parents moved here to Oklahoma City in 2018 to be closer to their grandchildren. I would have moved down here sooner, except the pandemic and heart failure made me take a several year detour. In 2018, I wasn’t ready to abandon Nebraska just yet. After spending the pandemic alone and almost dying of heart failure on two separate occasions, I realized that I had no future in Nebraska.

My move to the long term facility was a life saver and a life changer. I made lots of friends there, mostly with the staff members. Most of the staff were in their 20s and 30s. They were optimistic go getters, really encouraging, and really cool people. Turns out my recovery went faster than I expected. My minimum two years there turned out to be only eight months. I moved out for good on February 6, 2023. Ironically, February 6 was the exact same date I moved out of my childhood farm village for Kearney. Kearney was a college town of 35,000 residents. I lived there from 2005 to 2022. I loved it there, at least until the chronic physical health problems started. I was pretty much a shut in from 2019 to 2022, granted most of this time was during the pandemic. My mom lost one of her best friends to covid. The lady who sold some land to our family when we still owned some land in rural Nebraska also died from covid. One of my best friends worked for an internet provider in a major urban center. He was classified as an essential worker, caught covid three times, and he and much of his department were still laid off when the pandemic started to lift in 2022. Most of the nurses and doctors I made friends within long term care caught covid multiple times. None of them ever went into detail, much like veterans don’t talk about their experiences in war much I imagine. One doctor said she saw “many” people die from covid. That’s all she would say about it. Angers me that many people in my country still don’t take it serious. It’s like they don’t care that millions of people died from the pandemic, including one million in our own country. Attitudes like that are sick and soulless.

Been in Oklahoma since February 2023. Got my new doctors lined up. Met a couple of my case workers. Met some of my neighbors. Made some really great friends within the last few months. Reestablished a couple friendships that had fallen apart during the contentious politics of the last eight years or so. I’m still afraid of going to family functions. Probably always will be. I do great in one-on-one situations. But I do terrible in group settings. Always have. Even as a teenager, I despised group assignments in school. The only partner I ever had in any group assignment that put in the same effort I did was my best friend. She still is my best friend even in our 40s. I just don’t trust anyone to put in the same effort I do in anything I’m involved in. Probably never will.

There’s lots I love about living in an urban area. I love the diversity in cultures, diversity in small businesses and restaurants, and I love living in a place that people actually want to move to. First time in my 43 years of living I lived somewhere that wasn’t slowly dying. First time in my entire life that I’ve lived in place that is overall optimistic and hopeful about the future. It’s so far better than anywhere I have ever lived, at least for me. Sure I will miss the cold winters and the cool evenings in summer, but I am starting to adapt to the new surroundings. It’s the diversity in cultures, people, and thought that I love so much about being in an urban center. I’m starting to feel like I finally found my own personal tribe. First time in my entire life (other than my years in college) where I feel like I’m not a complete outcast for loving nerdy things like history, philosophy, economics, and science fiction. After 43 years of painful searching, I may have finally found my people and permanent home.

70 Questions Answered by A Life Of Mental Illness

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01: Do you have a good relationship with your parents? Yes

02: Who did you last say “I love you” to? My best friend S

03: Do you regret anything? Yes. Who doesn’t? I regret not buying a few shares of Apple shortly before the Smart Phone came out. I regret not buying Facebook or Tesla shortly after they went public.

04: Are you insecure? Isn’t everyone insecure about something?

05: What is your relationship status? Single but have plenty of friends.

06: How do you want to die? As a wise old man saying to the hospice nurses “I wish I worked more, was more rude to people, and spent less time with friends and family” just to mess with their heads.

07: What did you last eat? Steak and garlic mash potatoes

08: Played any sports? Football and Track in high school

09: Do you bite your nails? No

10: When was your last physical fight? In 7th grade

11: Do you like someone? I like many women but not enough to do a romance.

12: Have you ever stayed up 48 hours? Yes

13: Do you hate anyone at the moment? Yes. Stupid, short tempered, and short-sighted people.

14: Do you miss someone? I miss many people.

15: Have any pets? A ten-year-old former stray cat named Kit Carson who came to my house one day and never left.

16: How exactly are you feeling at the moment? Buzzed off coffee and kind of chatty.

17: Ever made out in the bathroom? Among various other places.

18: Are you scared of spiders? Yes, especially the ones that can jump.

19: Would you go back in time if you were given the chance? I’d go to the future but not the past. The past kinda sucked unless you were a king or rich.

20: Where was the last place you snogged someone? What is snogged?

21: What are your plans for this weekend? Not watch football or baseball.

22: Do you want to have kids? How many? Nope. I already have several nephews and nieces.

23: Do you have piercings? How many? No. But I have some really cool scars from misadventures of my younger days.

24: What is/are/were your best subject(s)? History, Economics, Chemistry

25: Do you miss anyone from your past? Oh yes. Many people.

26: What are you craving right now? World peace. Deep space exploration. Fusion Energy. Robot Friends. Crazed blood thirsty madness like that.

27: Have you ever broken someone’s heart? Oh yes. A few of them might have even deserved it.

28: Have you ever been cheated on? Don’t know. Don’t care.

29: Have you made a boyfriend/girlfriend cry? Yes.

30: What’s irritating you right now? People who fear change.

31: Does somebody love you? In what ways? I never understood why the English language has only word for love when like the Ancient Greeks had several.

32: What is your favorite color? Gold, Silver, and payday Green

33: Do you have trust issues? Yes. Who doesn’t? I mean, who wouldn’t love to have a well-stocked trust fund?

34: Who/what was your last dream about? It was the one when I had to redo high school as an adult but could walk around naked and no one seemed to mind.

35: Who was the last person you cried in front of? My mother.

36: Do you give out second chances too easily? No.

37: Is it easier to forgive or forget? Neither are easy.

38: Is this year the best year of your life? No, but it’s far better than any of the 2020s so far. For sure.

39: How old were you when you had your first kiss? 17

40: Have you ever walked outside completely naked? Only on the family acreage but not like just go for a nude stroll in the downtown during rush hour.

51: Favourite food? General Tso chicken. Don’t know how many battles the good general won, but I’m sure his soldiers always dined well.

52: Do you believe everything happens for a reason? No. But I believe we can allow things that happen to be catalysts for change.

53: What is the last thing you did before you went to bed last night? Took my pills, took a leak, and almost tripped over my cat.

54: Is cheating ever okay? Why commit to a marriage if you’re going to even consider straying? If one wants to screw around, go ahead. Don’t get married or in a long-term relationship. Define what you want from the very beginning.

55: Are you mean? Only to stupid and rude people once they test my patience too much.

56: How many people have you fist fought? Not counting defending myself from school yard bullies, three or four.

57: Do you believe in true love? I don’t believe any human is capable of never failing love. Nothing finite is.

58: Favourite weather? Cloudy, chilly, and rainy.

59: Do you like the snow? Yes.

60: Do you wanna get married? Egad, no.

61: Is it cute when a boy/girl calls you baby? No.

62: What makes you happy? Reading, deep conversations, Papa John’s, and sparkling flavored water.

63: Would you change your name? Only if I was hiding from the law.

64: Would it be hard to kiss the last person you kissed? No.

65: Your best friend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do? Maybe occasional kissing and hugging. But certainly, no marriage.

66: Do you have a friend of the opposite sex who you can act your complete self around? I can act myself around ALL of my friends of the opposite sex. It’s why the majority of my friends are opposite sex.

67: Who was the last person of the opposite sex you talked to? My friend C

68: Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with? My friend M

69: Do you believe in soulmates? Oh yes.

70: Is there anyone you would die for? To quote General George Patton, “No bastard ever won a war by dying for his country. He won it to make the other bastard to die for his.” Hopefully I never have to find out if this is true for friends as well.

Labor Day 2023 and My Labor of Love

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Today was Labor Day, the unofficial end of summer. I can tell the days are getting shorter and the sun sets earlier. I’ll be so glad once cooler weather starts up for good. Didn’t do much this Labor Day weekend besides reading and some writing. Been sharing some of my older posts from years ago. Some of those seem as relevant as ever. Shared some posts I wrote during the pandemic. Hard to believe that all started only three years ago. Feels like ten years ago some days.

Everything I have set out to accomplish since I moved to Oklahoma seven months ago is accomplished except for finding my own place. I have zero idea when a place will open up. Could be any day. Could be several years from now. Currently living in the guest room of my parents’ house. Yes, it is a blow to my pride being a 43-year-old man living with my elderly parents even if I buy my own food and pay my share of the utilities. But I know people who have it far worse. People sometimes tell me I’m lucky to be disabled and get cheap health care and a pension for not being able to work. Sadly, they are right. But I think my being lucky says far more about our current system than anything.

Believe it or not, I would love to be cured of schizophrenia and heart failure. I would love to work again, preferably be self-employed though. I have always worked long and hard. Always will. Even on disability I easily spend 60 to 80 hours a week on reading, writing, and researching. Have ever since I left my last “traditional” job back in 2012. If anything, I work harder and longer now than I ever did when I worked for someone else. I didn’t do nearly as much writing and research when I worked for other people, especially in my twenties. I do more reading and writing now than I ever did even in college. I just don’t get paid or credit for it.

I don’t really care if I don’t get paid for my writing and research. I don’t care if many people agree with me on anything. I write because that is what I am good at. I don’t care if it makes me even a cent. I will continue to write as long as I am mentally sharp enough to. Unlike most physical skills, mental skills don’t usually deteriorate until old age. It’s why even though I have physical health problems, I can still manage my life. I write because I have a mental and even physical need to. If I make money, it’s cool. If not, no big deal.

Late August and Transitioning into Early Fall

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Been staying up late most nights lately and usually sleeping until late morning. It seems to help with my depression and anxiety. I generally do better research and writing in the overnight hours when the house and neighborhood are quiet. Of course my mom worries about me keeping such odd hours and sleeping so much during the day. As of right now it’s not effecting my anxiety or even blood pressure. It seems to work for me right now.

I think I’m losing weight again after gaining 20 pounds in the first three months I moved to Oklahoma. I try not to focus on numbers so much as I do how my clothing fits, how many aches and pains I have, and how much I actually eat. Since switching to mostly meats and vegetables, I have found that I eat less often and my hunger is more manageable. I usually eat once if I’m up in the middle of the night.

I’ve been quite stable this August. Normally, August is the toughest time of year for me. Last August when I was in physical rehab was quite tough. I had issues with my roommate and my aches and pains in my feet and knees still hadn’t completely cleared. Summer 2022 was tough. I actually made my peace with the fact that I might not live long enough to move to Oklahoma. Thankfully, that never came to pass.

Mentally I have been, for the most part, more stable since I moved to Oklahoma City than when I lived-in small-town Nebraska. I always felt like an outsider in such small areas. I didn’t make many friends as I have such odd interests. Most of my friends no longer live in Nebraska. It took me 42 years to move to an urban area, but I’m glad I finally did. I would have come here several years sooner if not for the pandemic and unresolved health issues. But eight months in physical rehab seems to be exactly what I needed. I certainly wasn’t going to get the immediate and intense help I needed living in low-income housing in Kearney.

I really don’t like socializing in person as most people don’t share my interests and I don’t share the interests of most people. I haven’t sat down and watched a sports event from start to finish since 2015. And that was an in person minor league baseball game. Those are fun. And often cheap. Last time I went to a minor league game in Omaha, I was able to get a seat within reaching distance of one of the dugouts, buy two hot dogs, and a soda pop for less than 25 dollars. I’d rather go see a minor league baseball game in person than go to the movies. At least with baseball I can sit outdoors for three hours, socialize with my neighbors between innings, and crowd watch. Oklahoma City has a minor league team too. If I ever regain my mobility, I’m going to make a point of going to at least one game every summer. I like watching baseball in person more than watching it on tv. And most football games have too large of crowds for my liking.

It is obvious that summer is coming to an end. We are in the last days of August. Schools are back in session. Baseball playoffs will be starting in a few weeks. The leaves will be changing soon. I will be interested in seeing how autumn here in Oklahoma differs from back in Nebraska. Leaves in Nebraska usually start turning in mid to late September, corn harvest is in full swing by early October, and the first frost is usually by mid-October. We’ve just had a week of 100-degree Fahrenheit. Hopefully, it’s the last real heat wave for the summer. The nights are getting noticeably longer.

Been going through some of my old posts from previous years. I’m thinking about sharing some time appropriate posts from the past. With September being only a few days away, I might repost some of the blogs I wrote five years ago, two years ago, last year, etc. I started doing that some with the facebook page for this blog. And my traffic is starting to increase again. My traffic had been low during the pandemic and when I wasn’t posting regularly during physical rehab. It’s now starting to pick up again. Eventually I’m probably going to monetize the blog and see if I can make a little money on the side. I’m definitely planning on promoting more and posting more. I think I have enough materials now I should be able to do something like a Throwback Thursday every week.