I’ve had lots of hobbies over the years. I liked fishing when I was in high school and college. I did intramural softball when I was in college. Did speech and school plays when I was a teenager. Did football and track in high school. Started writing in college. Wrote poetry for several years. I started this blog after a series of essays I wrote about living with mental illness. Wrote rough drafts for two novels when I was in my twenties. I found a love for computer games in my thirties. The Civilization series, Railroad Tycoon series, Total War series, Stellaris, and Sim City are probably my favorite PC games. My favorite games on PlayStation 5 are Skyrim, Cyberpunk 2077, God of War, FIFA Soccer, Madden NFL, and Call of Duty. I also collect books. I love to read, mostly nonfiction. My favorite genres are nonfiction science, biographies, philosophy, economics, personal finance, and history.
Hobbies helped me find new meaning in my life once it became painfully obvious, I couldn’t hold a regular job anymore. I haven’t worked a regular job since 2012. Yet, that’s when I got serious about writing. Over the years I’ve written in this blog regularly. It’s part memoir and part journal. I’ve gotten readers from most countries all over the world. Haven’t made much money off my writings.
For the first few years of my writing journey, I self-published several books. There was the forementioned mental illness essays book, several poetry books, an advice book, and a novel. I went through the print on demand route. Ended up selling several dozen copies. I’m kicking myself for not saving some of those Word files. I’m thinking eventually of putting some of my blog entries into book form. Just a matter of copying and editing. I have hundreds of entries on this blog. There certainly has to be at least one book in there.
In short, writing is one of those hobbies that has taken on a life of its own. I’m thinking of eventually taking the next logical step and trying to get some of these writings publicized. I’m probably going to monetize my blog too once I get the funding. I almost have enough to make this a professional blog. I have found more meaning in writing than I ever found in any job. It’s the best job, but worst paying, I ever had. I hope to change that starting real soon.
Saw my general practitioner a few days ago. My blood pressure is stable and good. Everything else seems to be going alright. School started here in Oklahoma City last week. My parents will probably be going to school activities again once the weather cools down. With as hot as it’s been the last several days, it’s hard to believe that autumn is only a few weeks away. First college football games start next week. I guess I’ve lost interest in most sports besides the Olympics and World Cup. My interests have changed as I aged.
Haven’t had much contact with most of my friends all summer. Seems like most of them are going through midlife crises and are very angry and upset all the time. I’m grateful I went through my worst trials in my twenties. I don’t think I could start over at this point in my life, certainly not while fighting schizophrenia and heart failure. I still get depressed and despondent a few times per week. I definitely don’t like socializing in person. Most people are too obnoxious, rude, and angry anymore. My parents went to visit my brother and his family a few days ago. I made the point of not going to see them. I just hate socializing with people who refuse to back down and try to make everything a battle. I have enough inner battles of my own.
My best friend is suffering really bad right now. She’s always depressed and irritated. Has been for a couple of years. But this is worse than normal. I reach out to her when she goes on about no one reaching out, but she goes almost silent when I do try to get her to open up. It’s depressing to watch my friend of 30 years on the downward spiral. I try to tell her family that this isn’t normal. Naturally, no one is listening. It has always angered me when people ignore obvious facts. I never understood the line of thinking that a problem will go away if it’s ignored long enough. I swear, no one learns from the mistakes of the past or even their own. It’s really aggravating. It’s like some people want to self-destruct.
I sleep a lot in the afternoons lately. Helps me to avoid the worst of this summer heat wave. We knew climate change was coming for decades. We didn’t do enough to prevent it, let alone adapt to it. I am encouraged that renewables and next generation nuclear is being rapidly adopted. It still angers me that my nation pulled out of the Paris Climate Accord.
It also angers me that many of my countrymen (including most of my family) actively fight against the rebuilding and reinforcing of our nation’s infrastructure. I get that maintaining water systems, power plants, and highways aren’t as sexy as spending taxpayer money on defense and advanced research, but seriously, who doesn’t need clean running water or highway bridges that won’t collapse. We in the US have known our roads, railways, power grids, etc. weren’t keeping up with demand for many years. Only now are we truly addressing it. We’re also starting to bring back much of our manufacturing (granted it’s primarily done by machines). Interest rates are finally going back up, which they were artificially low for at least 20 years. I heard people complain about low interest rates. And now those same people are complaining about rates going up. Make up your minds already.
This level of insanity and cognitive dissonance are two big reasons I refuse to attend social functions anymore. It’s absolutely painful to listen to people howl on about things they know nothing about. I know nothing about quantum physics or marathon running, but I won’t comment on either one. Neurotypical people are absolutely frustrating. They aren’t even worth the trouble anymore, at least not as far as I can tell.
It’s one of the reasons I’m actually kind of glad a new place hasn’t opened up for me. At least here in the suburbs I don’t have to socialize if I don’t want to. At least I have some privacy, even if I do live in my mom’s guest room. Yes, I am a 43-year-old schizophrenic man living with his mom and dad. Never mind that I lived on my own with this diagnosis for over 18 years. I should be ashamed to live with my parents because so many people tell me I should be. But I’m not. Most people have zero clue with mental illness means. It’s one of those things no one will understand until it affects them personally or someone they care about. But cases of mental health problems are increasing. And they will continue to increase until we stop shaming people for the so-called weakness. I am glad that mental illness is easier to talk about publicly now than 20 years ago. I just hope the younger people struggling with mental health problems don’t have to suffer alone like I did in my teens and twenties. It is not weak to talk about problems. Never has been.
In some ways I’m not really looking forward to moving out on my own again. It’s actually nice to have some help around the house now that my mobility is gone. Not having easy access to interpersonal assistance is the biggest regret I have about not getting married. Yet, the mental illness would probably have made me impossible to live with. That, and I think people give up on marriages, friendships, employees, jobs, etc. too easily anymore. I just didn’t trust anyone enough to believe they wouldn’t abandon me when things got bad. I never will trust anyone enough to believe they won’t abandon me when things get tough. Everything is conditional and negotiable as far as I’ve seen. That’s pretty much the story of civilization. Nothing lasts forever. Sadly, neither do friendships and marriages. And I certainly don’t trust my neighbors anymore. I’m really not looking forward to returning to public life.
If I had my way, I’d just stay in my parents’ house and take over after they die. I know social security disability will allow disabled people to own their own house. But I’m not sure I could afford the property taxes in the suburbs. There are lots of Uber drivers and public transit available even in the suburbs. My brother and his family probably aren’t moving, barring anything major. Electricity is quite cheap down here, probably be even more so if we got solar panels and backup batteries installed on the house. Some of my neighbors have those. Every time I go out on the town, I see at least one Tesla. It feels good to finally live somewhere that seems to actually want to be part of the 21st century. I’m loving it. Wished I would have moved here years ago.
I have an appointment with my new psych doctor this morning. Means I have to venture into the downtown area. Pretty much just a get to know each other kind of deal. My mental health has been pretty stable. I’m actually excited about going into the city at large today. I normally keep to my suburb as my town is big enough it has everything I need within a few minutes of my house. First time I’ll be in the city in a few months.
The summer has been real hot for the most part. One the days it’s cooler than normal, it rains. We haven’t had the problems with fires this summer like we did this spring. I’m looking forward to autumn.
Was turned down for an apartment complex I applied for. Turns out the place is for mostly senior citizens age 62 and up. Since I’m only 43 I don’t qualify. It seems like most places that are easily handicap accessible are mainly for elderly. Looks like the wait is going to continue for the foreseeable future. I just don’t understand why, in a nation that have obvious affordable housing shortages, we don’t just build more places. Sounds almost like a lack of a supply to meet the increased demand. But, it’s not like young people don’t want to have their own houses and apartments. It’s that we can’t afford most of what is available.
Making most of my own meals now. I can now navigate my wheelchair through everywhere in the house. The doors are too narrow for a wheelchair to get through. But I can hobble thru until I can find a place to sit. I’m up quite late most nights. But I usually get more done at nights than during the day.
Yesterday I got a notification from the city housing authority. They had me fill out an intake certification with a specific apartment complex. Looks like I’m one step closer to having my own place again. I received that notice yesterday morning and had it filled out shortly after. I feel like I’m getting my life back. If this pan out, it will be the first time in my life I will live in an urban area. Hopefully I can get involved in some interesting social activities. I’ve always enjoyed culture, art, literature, music, and history. Been a really long time since I got to socialize with people whom have similar interests, at least in person.
Updates are in order. I’m still on the waiting list for low-income housing in Oklahoma City. The housing authority is actively seeking a place that is wheelchair accessible. I should be moving up the list as the waiting lists were updated and many people who are no longer looking for places are being removed from the list. I have no idea how long this wait will be. My friend in Denver who works for a large landlord said that out there, she’s heard of horror stories about low income people waiting over five years to get into a place. In my case I am doing alright here in the suburbs. I can run a wheelchair well enough now that I can navigate my parents’ entire house except for doorways. I have to fold up the wheelchair and walk though for the doors. Haven’t been outside since the current heat wave started. We’ve had many days of 100-degree Fahrenheit heat since mid-July. Not exactly sure what that translates to in Celsius, I’m thinking 40 something degree Celsius.
Made some new friends since I moved to Oklahoma. Staying in contact with old friends from back in Nebraska. One friend was someone who lived in the same complex I did. We are both homebodies but share several similar interests. I regret not visiting her in person more when I still lived there. But the last two years I lived in Kearney were during the height of the pandemic. I didn’t visit many people in person those two years. Did a lot of reading and writing though. Moved out of Kearney in June 2022 and went to physical rehab for eight months. Moved in with my parent in February 2023. Lost over 180 pounds between February 2020 and February 2023. Sadly, gained about 20 pounds back in the last six months. Too much sugar and carbs. I was easily losing weight when I was eating mostly grilled, roasted, and baked meats (mostly chicken, turkey, and pork) and vegetables. I gave up most carbs, most sugars, most fast food, etc.
Saw my physicians’ assistant yesterday via teleconference. It was for my sleep apnea. I needed to renew my prescription so I can get replacement parts for my CPAP machine. As my machine is only three years old, it should last at least another three to four years. But it works so much better when I replace worn out parts regularly. Since I don’t use distilled water or oxygen, it’s easier to keep clean. And I just use the nasal units rather than the full-face mask. My doctor thinks if I get back to losing weight again, I could possibly be off the CPAP entirely. I think I should be able to get back to losing weight now that I’ve adopted my pandemic diet again.
My blood pressure is stable. Has been for weeks. I have to see my general practice doctor again by the end of August for general checkup. He wants to see his heart patients every three months. I see my new psych doctor this month too. Since my psychiatric health has been stable for the last few years, I should be doing just routine maintenance. I do have occasional psych flare ups, but they usually don’t last long. I have found if I limit stress the flare ups are fewer and further between.
Making most of my own meals now. While my parents are thrilled with my ever-increasing independence, I think my mom is kind of sad that she doesn’t cook for me very often anymore. I think my dad is kind of sad that I don’t watch Westerns with him much, certainly not like what I did in the first few weeks I moved here. I buy most of my own groceries, pay some in utilities, and order my own home supplies via Amazon. As there is a huge Amazon facility in our metroplex, almost everything is next day delivery. I’m still not washing my own laundry just yet. Our washing machine is in a tight closet that is impossible to navigate with a wheelchair. My knees are chronically hurting due to bad arthritis. If I take Tylenol every day, it seems to negate it some but not enough to restore my ability to walk without serious knee pain.
Even though I don’t eat most of my meals with my parents anymore, I still talk to them in person some every day. During the pandemic I made a point to call them at least once a day. In some ways I am not in a real rush to get my own place. The big reason I need my own place it that I can’t afford their house on my social security disability pension. Sure, the house is paid off entirely, but I still couldn’t afford property taxes and maintenance.
Shortly after I moved to Oklahoma, my new social security case worker told me that since I was diagnosed with schizophrenia at age 20, I should have been able to qualify for social security payouts based on my parents’ income and not mine. Since both of my parents were medical professionals, that alone would significantly increase my benefits. So we applied for benefits increases. Naturally we were denied. But denials are standard in disability cases, at least here in the USA. I plan on hiring a lawyer to appeal this case. I had to lawyer up when I first applied for social security in the mid 2000s. Even with a lawyer my case took over two years to resolve. Since I no longer was covered by my parents’ insurance, I needed a high-risk emergency health insurance. It was a rugged two years waiting for that verdict.
I’m hanging in there overall. I’m just ready for some fall again.
I’m up real late most nights. I usually sleep until late morning. Seem to do my best work in the overnight hours. It’s really hot during the days here. Still adjusting as it’s my first summer in Oklahoma. I hear from old friends almost daily, entirely over the phone and through social media. An old friend of mine is taking a break from social media for her mental health. I miss her. She’s one of the few people I ever met who had as wide a variety of interests as I do.
Since I have a wide variety of interests, it’s almost impossible to find people who have all the same interests. I guess that’s why I tend to compartmentalize my friendships. I have friends interested in history and economics, but not science and tech. I have friends interested in theology and literature, but not economics and geopolitics. I have friends interested in science and futurism, but not theology and philosophy. I’m interested in all these things. About the only things I struggle with are advanced mathematics, foreign languages, and do it yourself home improvements. I guess my goal is to be as close to a Renaissance Man as is possible in the early 21st century.
I have lots of interests. Always have. It’s why I have to have lots of friends for brainstorming. It’s odd that I have lots of friends now in my 40s when I was thought to be anti social when I was a child. I love people, especially a wide variety of people. I grew up in a town of less than 500 people, mostly in the pre internet age. I used to love the old Yahoo chatrooms. I still remember some of those conversations I had in my late teens and early 20s in those places. I try to stick to smaller groups on facebook for my interests to avoid trolls and arguments. Too many people just won’t let anyone disagree with them without trying to make it into a fight. I don’t thrive on confrontations. Never have. I don’t believe in fighting for fighting’s sake.
I was constantly accused of being anti social as a child. But, what was the point of socializing in a small town where everyone discussed the same things, dressed the same ways, believed in the same things, and looked the same. I’m not anti social. I just love variety. And I despise anyone who tries to tell me what to think. I don’t like attention from people I can’t relate to. It’s one of the good things about living in a metro area, at leas the one I live in. Most people just leave you alone when you’re out and about.
I tend to have problems with authority figures. I hate being told what to do, how to do things, what to think, how to think, how to dress, etc. I always have. I grew up in an area that valued conformity. I don’t conform to anything, at least not voluntarily. Probably why I failed in most jobs. I grew up in small enough areas that most of the jobs available where service sector jobs. Work from home was never an option, especially before the internet. It upsets me that many places are talking about doing away with work from home jobs entirely. Who benefits? Best traditional jobs I ever had involved not working with the public. It’s one of the reasons I’ve been so angry about many of the good paying manufacturing jobs in the US being outsourced for years. What about those of us who never wanted to be lawyers or retail workers?
Even though I don’t have ‘traditional employment’, I’m constantly busy. I probably spend at least 60 hours a week reading, listening to podcasts, watching educational videos, listening to seminars, listening to audiobooks, etc. And I couldn’t have done any of this had I not been on disability pension. I guess I’m an Independent Scholar/Digital Monk. Sure, I may make poverty level wages, at least by American standards. Yet I don’t feel destitute, especially now since I live in a metro area of over 1 million people. Overall, I am happier now than I have been probably since late 2014. If I ever regained my mobility, I’d be happier now than ever.
I started filing out online surveys for a few extra bucks here and there a few days ago. Will be getting my first payment direct deposit in a few days. Sure, it’s only like 5 dollars. But, at least I’m making a little money for sharing my opinions. It’s more than I ever made from doing blogs. Haven’t even made that much from traditional paperback books or ebooks.
I would love to work from home full time and try to get off disability. But my country doesn’t have Universal Healthcare. Probably never will unless there is a massive shift in peoples’ thinking and priorities. I just don’t see this happening anytime soon. It’s like some people actually want to make things tougher now than they were in the past. It’s backwards thinking. I’m not sure even how to get a work from home job as I’ve never held anything in a field that involved tech and internet. I never had the opportunity to.
I’m absolutely sure I am not the only person on disability pension who could do a work from home online job if only given the chance. I imagine many younger people on disability, the whole work from home jobs would be exactly what they need rather than a monthly pension at poverty level wages. Yet, many companies insist on doing away with work from home. Most government work programs for those on disability don’t involve work from home jobs, at least none that I have ever seen. This is short sighted and stupid.
I probably could work again given the right circumstances. But I haven’t worked for several years, at least not paid employment, because of a lack of options. I am certainly not lazy. My 60 plus hours a week of writing, reading, research, etc. should be proof of that. My research feels like all day play date instead of a traditional job. It actually feels like constant games. I even listen to audiobooks while I play computer games. Most computer games I love involve strategy and knowing some history, economics, and science. I’d even go as far as say I am convinced Independent Research and writing is what God, The Cosmos, etc. wants me to do with my life.
Independence Day was rather uneventful for me. I did a little something different to celebrate today. Didn’t watch war movies or go to a fireworks display (my city banned private ownership of fireworks). What I did do was binge watch the old History Channel mini series ‘The Men Who Built America.’ It was about the industrial revolution that really took off after the Civil War in my country. Series paid close attention to industries like railroads, oil, steel, electrical appliances, electricity generation, early automobiles, financials, etc. The individuals they paid close attention too, the Vanderbilts, Rockefellers, Carnegies, Morgans, Teslas, Edisons, Westinghouses, Fords, etc. I think the dude they had playing JP Morgan kinda looked like Robert Downey Jr. from the Iron Man movies. Even Robert Downey playing industrialist Tony Stark said he modeled his character on a less dorky Elon Musk.
Still haven’t heard from low income housing on my place. I’ve been on the waitlist for months now. I’m believing the horror stories about how sometimes it takes years for a place to open up. We obviously have an affordable housing shortage in my country. There is a HUGE demand for affordable housing. Why won’t be build it? We already have the tech to 3D print and pre fabricate millions of housing units. Seriously, who benefits from housing being unaffordable to working class and poor people? I sure don’t. What’s the point of developing all this science and technology in my country if we as a people refuse to use it. I would find it absolutely ironic if China and India became the new world superpowers using technology originally developed here in USA. But then, Europe became the world powers of the last 500 years using technology like gunpower, deep sea navigation, compasses, printing presses, paper, and even paper money pioneered by, guess who, China. History truly has an ironic sense of humor. I wonder how you say ‘Payback is a bitch’ in Mandarin Chinese.
Enough of my ranting. Been reading audiobooks A LOT lately. I just love listening to audiobooks while playing computer games. I’ve literally finished 10-hour audiobooks over a long weekend while playing Civilization, Total War, or Railroad Tycoon. Currently working on The Demon Haunted Universe by Carl Saga, Money: Master the Game by Anthony Robbins, and The 50th Law by Curtis “50 Cent” Jackson and Robert Greene. Yes I like to have multiple books going at the same time. Sure I sometimes never finish said books. But I don’t read to accomplish anything deeper than my own learning. Most of the books I own are nonfiction. Sure, a lot of great real life science was inspired by science fiction. But, growing up in the 1980s and 1990s, I was introduced to the genre of science fiction by The Terminator, The Matrix, Alien, Predator, Judge Dredd, etc. All of which present lousy futures that no one wants. I am convinced these shows are why most people are so fearful of technology and hate scientists and intellect so much. Being bombarded with these dystopian visions of the future REALLY soured me on science fiction but not science fact.
People think I’m insane for preferring non fiction to science fiction. Same people think I’m insane for liking economics, finance, and investing even though my math skills are average at best and awful in advanced math like calculus and statistics. Math and foreign languages have always been my blind spot as far as my academic pursuits go. Everything else I loved. My favorite subjects as a child were history and literature. I also liked biology and chemistry, but not as much as history and literature. Didn’t find out I loved economics, finance, investing, writing, etc. until I was in college. Even though college education prices are out of control, I found huge value in getting a bachelor’s degree. I got kicked out of the Masters in Business program because I couldn’t hack the advanced math. But I never wanted to be an accountant or a data analyst. Such subjects never interested me. Besides, AI can do most of that better than most humans already. AIs are getting really creepy good at stock picking too. I think that almost anything that has to do with massive amounts of math and information will probably get automated within the next ten to twenty years. I could even see medical diagnosing and researching being aided greatly by AI, thus reducing the need for doctors and researchers. I wouldn’t be surprised that the jobs that involve the human touch and individuality will be much larger in demand than they are now. I see the trades are already getting big again. I see lots of manufacturing is starting to move back to the USA, but even a good chunk of this will be automated. Even China is having problems finding work for their younger generations.
As far as my audiobooks go, I absolutely love the book Money: Master The Game. That is one finance book I would recommend to anyone just starting out in their career or anyone who wants to get their finances back under control. It’s also one of the first financial books I ever read that devotes an entire section to science, medicine, and tech advances. I guess the point of including a section on near future tech advances in a finance book is unique. It also combines my love of both economics and technology. Economics, technology, science, futurism, philosophy, history, and a little theology are all subjects I love to study. I know I don’t get paid any money from my studies, but it certainly satisfies my love of knowledge and wisdom. Being cured of schizophrenia and being able to use my variety of knowledge to benefit others and make myself and my family wealthy in the process, would be beyond my wildest dreams come true. Even if it doesn’t happen, I guess I have my knowledge and my blogs.
I should wrap this up. Until next time
Been talking to social security and social services a lot the last few weeks. Found out that I am getting a decent amount of my social security pension reinstated, my Medicaid is going to cover more than normal, and I have been approved for someone, once I get my own place, to come in and help me with laundry and cleaning once a week. Feels like I got quite a bit done over the last couple of weeks.
My knees have been acting up again. I found my knees get real aching in hot and humid weather. We are now in early summer here in Oklahoma. But Tylenol and forcing myself to move around seems to be the best treatment for the knees.
Supposed to get real hot this week. I mean like over 100 Fahrenheit, which I’m guessing is quite a bit over 40 Celsius. Sounds like typical Oklahoma summer. I think we are near the end of bad storm season down here. We’ve had lots of good rain lately. One thing I like about living in my parents house in the suburbs is all the birds and plants in the backyard. Since my parents don’t usually spray for bugs or weeds, we draw a lot of birds, butterflies, and bees. We even have a couple geckos. Since my parents are elderly, a couple guys come take care of the yard usually a few times a month.
I have been approved for low income housing. I am still waiting on a place that has easy wheelchair access. Since grocery delivery is now bigger than even 5 years ago, most places have some kind of delivery service. Now that I live in a suburb of a large city, I see Amazon trucks almost every day. Also see electric cars every time I travel around the city. Kind of feels like I officially joined the 2020s once I move to Oklahoma.
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