Category Archives: Life With A Mental Illnes

March 1 2020 Part 2

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Now that I got the last rant out of my system, I’m feeling better overall.  I actually feel almost energetic on top of feeling restless.  Maybe it’s the sunshine and fresh air we’ve got the last few days.  Even though I haven’t left my complex in a few days, I have had my windows open for much of the weekend.  I think the fresh air is making me feel better and more energetic.  Hopefully the last rant I wrote is enough to cure me of my irritability for awhile.  I’m glad spring will be here soon.  April, May, and June are my favorite times of year.

Push for Spring

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Today is Mardi Gras for my Catholic friends.  The start of Lent season was always a sign for me that winter was almost over.  I have weathered the winter alright so far.  I haven’t had any breakdowns since before Christmas.  I started reading a book that was over 1200 pages at New Years and I’m barely over half done.  But I try to chip away a little every day.  I try to contact family and friends at least once a day.  The last few days my best friend and I have been having a running dialog over facebook messaging.  She works a job where she occasionally has down time and can chat for a few minutes even if she does have to be on her feet all day.

I got some real good news several days ago.  I’m getting new flooring in my apartment.  I’m getting my walls repainted to and some work in the bathroom done too.  I never thought I’d ever see the day I’d get excited over getting a new toilet.  But I guess that happens once I hit middle age.  I’m supposed to be getting this in a couple weeks.  The only drawback is I have to be out of my apartment for several days.  I’ll probably be staying at a hotel here in a town for the duration.  I imagine I’ll be doing lots of sleeping and internet research for that time.  But I can accept a week of inconvenience in order to have my apartment updated for the next fifteen years.  I guess this is my end of winter good news.

February 21 2020

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Overall I’m feeling pretty decent.  I usually make a point of leaving my apartment at least once a day or host guests.  Whenever I have delivery people come, I usually meet them on the ground floor lobby instead of wait in my apartment.  Been doing this for a week.  It gets me out of the apartment and forces me to socialize more.

Started reading more again.  Had been lazy about that for almost two weeks.  I usually go to bed around 9pm and wake in the middle of the night.  I stay up for usually two to three hours and then go back to sleep, usually until 7am.

I have been fighting a minor cold for a few days.  Just taking vitamin C pills and drinking hot fluids until this clears.  Second cold I’ve had this winter as I had one around New Year’s.

Spring is a few weeks away.  This winter hasn’t seemed as long as some previous winters.  I’m looking forward to warmer weather again and not having to sit under a blanket most of the time.

Mentally I feel pretty decent for the most part.  I sometimes have moments of anxiousness and irritability.  Fortunately I can break out of it usually after a few minutes.  I’m glad I haven’t had problems in front of neighbors or family lately.  Sometimes breathing exercises and just disconnecting for several minutes is enough to let it pass by.

I still talk to my parents two to three times per week.  I call my brother two to three times a month.  He’s usually pretty busy with work and taking kids to sports practices or school activities.  My oldest nephew is a freshman in high school.

Talk to my friends more often.  I have a couple I try to reach out to at least once a day on facebook.  I don’t do much with my groups other than just read posted articles.  I just no longer have the energy or desire to engage in long discussions online except with friends and family.  I see my neighbors a few times a week.  They were kind enough to make dinner for me earlier in the week.

Don’t have much planned for the weekend.  Probably just go outdoors for awhile if the weather isn’t too bad.  Might sleep in too.

Adapting to Changes of Middle Age

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Been sleeping more the last few days.  I think I’m trying to fight off a cold, again.  Been hitting the fluids and vitamin C.  Hopefully this passes quickly.  I haven’t been socializing as much the last few days either.  I have been to tired to be much for decent conversation.  I have gone easier on reading the last few days too.  I essentially want to sleep as often as possible.

I getting to where I’m ready for spring.  Spring is usually my happiest time of year, especially in May and June.  For some reason I just don’t well in the heat of late summer.  August is traditionally a tough time for me.  I think I’ve gotten my fill of winter.  Fortunately it hasn’t been as tough of a winter this year as last.  We haven’t had much snow in my town since the first of the year.  The air hasn’t felt dry, it just hasn’t snowed or rained much in my town the last several weeks.

A lot of sickness has been going around my complex and my town this winter.  Other than a bad cold around the first of the year, I have avoided it.  Even though I still don’t socialize much in person, I’ve been making a point of leaving my apartment at least once a day the last few days.  I think I’m just wanting to be out and about more.  Even when I have deliveries to my place, I now meet them in the lobby rather than wait for them at home.  I usually have a decent idea of what time my delivery guys will arrive, so I usually go to the lobby a few minutes before they arrive.  It gives me an extra reason to move around more and gets me out of the apartment, at least for several minutes.

My mother’s birthday was yesterday.  She’s now in her seventies.  I was talking to her yesterday and she said her age doesn’t get her as much as having her youngest son (me) going to be forty this summer.  I guess being forty doesn’t traumatize me as much as I thought it would.  I do regularly shave now as I was noticing a few gray hairs in my beard.  That I spent much of my thirties with a beard.  I haven’t been losing hair but I’ve noticed my hair doesn’t grow as fast as it once did.  The only real part of being middle aged that bothers me is that I just don’t have the endurance I did even a few years ago.  I used to walk 3 miles a day all the way until my mid 30s with no problems.  Most of the jobs I ever had required me to be on my feet most of the time.  I now understand why people look for desk jobs once they hit their late 30s.  My mind is as strong as ever, but the body just isn’t keeping up anymore.  I’m still adapting to this.

I have now accepted that there isn’t any embarrassment in asking for help, especially with physical tasks.  It took me awhile to adapt to this.  For as long as I can remember until a couple years ago, I was the one who was doing physical tasks for others on a daily basis.  When I worked retail, I didn’t mind lifting heavy items or stocking shelves.  I didn’t mind the lifting and walking involved in factory work.  I enjoyed being on my feet when I worked as a janitor for a few years.  But that kind of endurance has faded over the last few years.  I was so used to helping others I didn’t bother to keep track of what I did to help others.  I didn’t mind living on the top floor of an apartment complex and parking as far away as possible from the front door just because I was quite mobile.  Not anymore, at least the mobility part.  I still try to help people, even if it’s as simple as keeping clutter off the floor so my cleaning lady can get her work done quicker.  For years I helped others and didn’t think of doing otherwise.  But I guess now I can ask for help as needed.  See, it does pay to help others.

Odd Facts About Me

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I’m going to take a detour with this post and have a little more fun than usual.  I’m going to post on oddities about myself.  I’ll try to keep this fun.  So here goes.

 

  1.  I have the same best friend at age 39 that I had at age 17.
  2. My best friend is a woman.  When we were in high school we came to an unspoken agreement that we wouldn’t make our friendship a romance.  While it hurt in high school, in the long run it payed off.
  3.  I started college as a pre med student.  I shifted to business after two years.  I mean, who wants to trust a medical scientist who got a D in Organic Chemistry?
  4. Even though I really had little interest in business and economics until I went to college, I’m glad I studied business.  I am really more interested in history and literature.
  5.  I spent as much time reading literature, history, and philosophy in college as I did studying business my last three years of college.  I spent a few hours every day reading at the campus library.  I’m glad I did this ‘dual study program’.
  6.  I haven’t been on a date since my late 20s.  I’m not anti romance or anti marriage.  I know myself well enough that, with my psych illness and personality type, I would make a lousy husband and father.  Now I love having friends and family.  But, I don’t do well with romance.
  7. I have several email accounts, most of which are dummy accounts so I can cut down on spam in my real accounts.
  8.  I don’t give my nephews and niece career advice or ask them what they want to be when they grow up.  The workplace is changing fast enough that even I had several different types of jobs.  I imagine this trend is only going to speed up in the coming years.
  9.  I enjoy reading non fiction books more than fiction.  Real life is quite interesting to me because, well, some real crazy things happen in non fiction.  And it’s non fiction because it actually happened in real life.
  10.  I wrote drafts for two novels in my late 20s and early 30s.
  11.  I find writing in first person easier than writing in third person.  My writer friends think I’m crazy for saying this.  But it’s true for me.
  12.  I like the comedy of Bill Hicks and George Carlin.
  13.  My likes in music have changed over the years.  In high school I was big into grunge and heavy metal.  In college I really got into country and blues.  In my late 20s I really got back into metal and added some hip hop.  In my 30s I got into techno.  I do like some of most genres of music.  I don’t have just one particular style.
  14.  Even though I did well in school in high school and college, I still wasn’t very confident in my abilities until I hit my 30s.  And it was in my 30s I found out that most of my classmates in high school and college were less confidant than even I was.
  15.  While I no longer work a regular job, I’m glad I had the variety of jobs I did.  Some of the jobs I’ve worked included retail sales, waiter, factory worker, teachers’ aide, janitor, and farm laborer.
  16.  Even though I don’t make money from my blog writing, it gives me more joy than any job I’ve ever done.
  17.  I never understood the trope about people not liking their in laws because my parents always had good relationships with their in laws.
  18.  Both of my parents worked full time jobs, but they had different shifts.  My mother worked the night shift as a nurse at a hospital.  Even with these different shifts, we always had at least one meal a day as a family.  And since I had a set of grandparents that lived in town, mom and dad would send us there if they needed a break from us.  I guess I had the best of all worlds as a kid.
  19.  I don’t socialize much in person anymore.  Yet I don’t feel lonely because I socialize via the internet and phone daily.
  20.  I don’t like fast food anymore.  I prefer my own cooking in most cases.  The closest thing to fast food I eat anymore is delivery pizza and Chinese.

 

Feb 8 2020

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Been sleeping more the last several days.  I had been getting more easily irritated and depressed this week than usual.  Sometimes sleeping a lot and disconnecting for a few days helps.  I feel like I’m starting to recover.

A lot of sickness has been going around my town all winter.  Other than a cold a few weeks ago, I’ve avoided getting sick.  I think it helps that I don’t spend much time in public, especially with as cold as it’s been.  One of my friends has already had a nasty bout of flu.  Maybe it is a good thing that I don’t like being around people much.

I don’t really have much going on at the moment.  No real big plans for the near future.  Probably just best to stay home and not do anything to cause major changes, at least not right now.

Happiness in Being Alone

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Been pretty quiet the last several days.  I keep in contact with friends and family a little every day even if I don’t spend much time on social media lately.  Spending much of my time reading any more.  Been reading regularly again since Christmas.  I talk to my neighbors a few times a week but haven’t left my apartment for a few days.  I’m usually content to stay home most of the time.  I don’t mind visitors but, outside of my neighbors, I don’t get them very often.

I don’t venture out in public much.  I’m just afraid of most people any more.  I am burned out on dealing with rude people.  And I no longer have much tolerance for mundane chit chat.  I just no longer enjoy it.  It’s the same thing over and over as far as I’m concerned.  Naturally, this makes me look aloof and standoffish to most people I meet.  But, sometimes I am my own best company.  It’s probably why I spend so much time alone and it doesn’t bother me as much as most people.  The fact it doesn’t bother me much is probably unnerving to some people.  I am just to tired and burned out to deal with pointless drama.  Have been for a long time.

Doing Well

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Doing much better the last several days than normal.  Getting quite regular sleep, my aches and pains aren’t nearly as intense, I’m getting more mobile, at least within my own apartment, I don’t have as many issues with anxiety or paranoia, and I’m not even bothered by guests to my apartment.  It’s amazing how much of a difference a couple months can make.

I try to talk to family and friends at least once a day.  Even if I don’t leave my apartment every day I still attempt to socialize.  I still hear from my neighbors once a day on average.  After spending an entire day out of my apartment last week, I was able to touch basis with several of my friends here in the complex.  One friend I talked to for almost two hours.

I’m reading more too.  I’m now a third of the way through Wealth of Nations.  It will probably be one of those all winter projects.  I try to read at least one hour a day.

I don’t participate on social media much outside of close friends and family.  I am inactive on my groups.  I usually just read posted articles and don’t comment.  I no longer have the time, patience, or energy for online discussions and disagreements.

I still watch movies every so often.  Been catching up on some of the newer movies I didn’t see in the theatre.  In fact, I haven’t been to the theatre in over five years.  I haven’t even been inside a fast food restaurant in almost two years.  The only time when I eat fast food is if one of my guests brings in food.  Fast food doesn’t agree with me much anymore.  I prefer my own cooking or my neighbors’ cooking.  At this point, I would rather host guests and make a home cooked meal as opposed to going to a restaurant.  Besides, far more places deliver than even five years ago.

I haven’t driven a car in a few months.  I sold mine back in the fall to a friend of my dad’s.  My car wasn’t doing any good with me not driving anymore.  I just got to where I was too scared to go on the road.  I actually got a panic attack one day while driving.  I’m glad my old car went to a good home.

Don’t have much planned for the next few days.  Probably will watch the Super Bowl.  I have several friends who are Chiefs fans and a few family members who are 49ers fans.  I guess it makes no difference to me who wins.  I would just like to see an exciting game.  Even when I did watch lots of pro football, I watched the Super Bowl more for the game than the commercials or half time shows.  I used to go to Super Bowl parties when a few of my friends hosted them in their apartments.  Those were fun times.

It’s been quite amazing in that I haven’t had any bad flare ups for over a week now.  Even the few I had were quick hitters that were over within a minute or two.  Right now I’m doing quite well, far better than my usual for the last year or two.  I think it definitely helps that I am in more contact with my neighbors, family, and friends.  Going to the doctor for my annual checkup in December let me know where I stand and what I’m doing right and what needs adjusting.  I’m currently on a winning streak.  I hope I can keep this going for awhile.  It feels like things are going back into some kind of normal and more relaxed.

End of January Updates

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Had a quiet weekend overall.  Watched a couple movies on amazon and talked to family and a few friends.  Spent the entire day Thursday out of my apartment while maintenance was being done.  So I was out and about all day.  Caught up with a few of my neighbors.  Had some good conversations, the kind when I talked so much my throat was sore at the end of the day.  Been a few years since I had a day like that.

Overall I’m less paranoid these days than I was during the fall.  I think things began improving about late October to early November.  That’s about the time I got to know my neighbors better.  We usually talk once a day just to see how each other is doing.  I usually leave my door unlocked when I am awake now.  I used to leave my door locked all the time.  Sometimes if I was really paranoid and anxious I wouldn’t answer the door.  I don’t notice people walking and talking in the hallways as much as a few months ago.  I used to be real paranoid about that.  I think it helps alleviate the anxiety and paranoia even more getting in touch with my neighbors.  I still have occasionally have days I just want to stay in bed.  But those are becoming fewer and less frequent.

I’m also having fewer problems with aches and pains.  I started taking some supplements for my joints a few months ago.  I now have fewer aches and am more flexible.  I don’t wake up nearly as stiff and sore as I used to.

I’m starting to need less sleep again.  I usually go to sleep around 11pm and wake for good by 6am.  I occasionally nap in the afternoon.  I feel better rested overall than even two months ago.

I’m still lifting arm weights three to four times per week.  I’ve been adding more exercises and reps the last several weeks.  I started regularly lifting weights last March.  It  was a slow go the first few months.  Gradually I built up strength and endurance.  Eventually I added more exercises and reps.  I definitely notice a positive difference in my strength and stamina in less than one year.  I want to keep this up.  Can hardly wait to see what the next year will bring.

I’m having fewer flare ups the last several weeks.  Sometimes I even go entire days without flare ups.  And the flare ups I do have are shorter lived and less intense.  I think it helps that I have connected more with my neighbors and old friends in the complex.  It helps that I avoid negative people and situations, in person and online.  I don’t spend much time on facebook anymore except to chat with a few old friends.  I don’t even participate much in my tech and science groups.  If it weren’t for a few old friends and promoting my blog, I wouldn’t even have a facebook page anymore.  One of my close friends is thinking about closing down their account.  I was off facebook for a week over the autumn.  It helped me to alleviate stress and irritability.  Other than a couple friends I just don’t get much out of it anymore.  I guess after 10 to 12 years I’m finally ready to truly cut back.  I still have my email address.  Besides, the friends I stay in contact with are the types I don’t need to keep in contact with on a daily basis.  This isn’t high school anymore.

Between getting back in touch with my neighbors and friends in the complex, exercising on a regular basis, keeping in contact with friends and family, reading books on a regular basis, watching more movies, and getting even more active with this blog, it’s been an eventful and fruitful last couple months since the weather turned colder.  I guess we still have another ten weeks of cold and dreary weather.  But I have held up well the last several weeks.  I can face the next several weeks too.

I Care, That’s Why I Don’t Stay Silent

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People are often told to speak up if they are having struggles or problems.  But what is the point of opening up to others if you are met with the whole others have it worse trope.  But, for me, what is even worse than being told others have it worse, or I’m lucky, or that I should quit complaining, is being met with complete silence and indifference.  Being met with silence is by far the worst for me.  I’ve experienced it many times in my life, even from my own family.

I don’t know how to read someone going silent on me when I tell them something.  Do you think I am a liar?  Are you too heartless to say even “I’m sorry you’re hurting”?  Are you too dumb to know how to react?  Do you just not care?  Do you think I am stupid? Or do you not know how to communicate?  Or are you just being rude?  Do you think I’m overblowing the problem?  All of this is going through my head all at the same time when I confess my problems to people and I’m met with a stone wall of silence.  I already suffer in silence for a lot of the struggles with my mental illness.  Have since my teenage years.  When I open up to you, I often do so because I crave feedback.

I know I appear weak in many people’s eyes just for talking about my problems.  But, I have probably appeared weak, odd, eccentric and weird to everyone I have ever met since childhood.  “I am the weirdo” to quote Fairuza Balk from “The Craft.”  Some probably thought I was weird for having emotions other than anger or lust as a man.  Many have thought it weird that I take pride in being well read and active in seeking knowledge.  I never understood why it was cool to be stupid and immature.

Others think I’m weird for caring about others and humanity as a whole.  I cringe every time I see one of these “the importance of not giving a ####” articles, videos, and books.  Apparently it hasn’t occurred to most people that the reason they live mediocre lives, are stuck in dead end jobs, with dead end relationships, have mediocre leaders in government, have mediocre bosses, live paycheck to paycheck, and never getting better is because they don’t care enough, certainly they don’t care enough to attempt to change things.

I’ve tried many times to change myself for the better.  Sure I have failed at most of those attempts, but at least I have gleaned some bits of wisdom and some interesting experiences from those endeavors.  I may still be mentally ill, but I can manage it pretty well, better than the majority of people.  I may not be in good physical health, but at least I’m still fighting to keep some maintenance and stability.  I will probably never be rich, unless by some act of God this blog and my writings get picked up by some group who wants to pay me for work I’ve done, sometimes at great personal expense, for years.  I refuse to give up.  I refuse to stop caring about humanity, nature, my friends, my family, my neighbors, etc.  Asking me to stop caring is the same as asking a fish to stop swimming.  Caring about others and trying to provide insight and assistance through my own personal experiences living as a man with mental illness is what I do.  It’s who I am.  It’s my Definite Chief Aim, according to Napoleon Hill.  Or my Massively Transformative Purpose, according to Peter Diamandis.

Even if by some miracle of medical science I do get cured of mental illness, or at least get the symptoms knocked down enough they no longer affect my lifestyle, I’m still going to find ways to use my mind, my knowledge, and my compassion for others to make life more bearable and meaningful to others.