Today is Christmas Eve. Probably won’t be doing much of anything for the holiday as both of my elderly parents have covid. I’m surprised that I haven’t caught it, at least yet. I’ve been avoiding them as much as possible. Covid while mentally ill and with heart issues could be a bad mix.

Holidays have been bittersweet for me in recent years. I miss the family gatherings from many years ago. But I am afraid of going to family functions anymore. Most of my family are deeply involved with politics and current events and don’t share my concerns about much of anything. Some of my family don’t even have sympathy for disabled people or believe that mental illness even exists. It’s why I haven’t voluntarily been to a family dinner since 2017.

I’ve found that as I age, my paranoia about people has gotten only worse. Naturally, my friends don’t understand. My best friend was hostile about it when I opened up to her about it just yesterday. But then, she has her own problems and is frequently pissed off anyway. That’s an entire series of stories by itself.

I do miss the family gatherings when things were more calm. I miss eating sugar cookies. I miss watching the kids play with their new gifts. I miss venturing out and looking at Christmas decorations. I miss people in general being more hopeful and helpful during the holiday seasons.

A lot has changed for me in 2023. I graduated from physical therapy for my heart issues. Moved out of rural Nebraska and into my parents’ guest wing in suburban Oklahoma City. Adjusted to new doctors and treatments. I still need the wheelchair whenever I leave the house.

I’ve also gotten to witness my parents as elderly people. It’s tough watching my parents sometimes be forgetful, have a hard time hearing, not having much of a social life outside of church. And now both of my parents have covid.

For myself, I’ve had to come to the acceptance that I might never regain my full mobility. This is easier for me to accept than it is for my friends. I’ve also come to accept that I have deep agoraphobia and almost never want to go anywhere. Complete change from my twenties and thirties.

My oldest friendship is all but dead at this point. She blames her dark moods, lack of energy, bad health, and general cynicism on menopause. But I think it’s deeper than that. When I suggested she seek professional help, she came unglued enough I thought the friendship was over. Another close friend of mine is going to spend the next few years in prison. I won’t talk about it so don’t ask.

In the last several years, I’ve lost contact with probably 80 percent of my extended family due to politics and current events. Two of my old college friends have died. My last grandparent died in 2015. Three of my best friends in my old apartment complex back in Kearney, Nebraska have died. I came close to getting evicted from my apartment due to my health issues. Don’t ask, I refuse to talk about that either.

As far as my own health issues go, I survived two near fatal bouts of heart failure. Also lost over 170 pounds. Been able to avoid going to a mental hospital for 10 years now. I can now walk without knee or back pain. Granted it took a daily healthy dose of supplements like Glucosamine, Turmeric, and Hemp Oil for those pains to finally clear up after four years. Still working on getting my heart back into healthy condition.

After surviving a near death experience, recovering from heart failure, being healthy enough mentally to not have to change my psych regiment for several years, I feel pretty decent physically and mentally. Not where I want to end up yet, but I think I am on the right track.

One of my happiest achievements of2023 is finding Medium.com. I treat it kind of like social media for writers. I love the fact that I can do what I love, writing essays and stories, and actually make a few bucks off it. Been on only since early September and have already turned a profit. And I don’t even deal with that many trolls. Heck of a lot better deal than most social media. Screw you Facebook and twitter (I refuse to call it ‘X’).

Different Ways of Learning

I confess I have different ways of learning and processing information than most people. And that has gotten me in much trouble over the years, especially while at a workplace. I never could read people’s body language well enough to be good at socializing. I can’t tell what they think just by watching them.

However, I can read through the lines of what they write. I have always been a much better reading learner than a hands-on learner. The reason I never became as good with my hands as I am with my mind is that I couldn’t see diagrams or what I was doing. And I never got enough repetition in to get good.

Such a Troublesome Child

It always frustrated my teachers, bosses, and even family that it took more repetition for me to learn something than most people. But once I learned the skill, I remember it for life. I think I was given up on by teachers and employers too early in some cases because it takes me longer to learn through doing than most people. But once I learned something through doing, I have never forgotten it.

Even though I am pretty intelligent in some ways, I never did get the top grades in school or most of the accolades at work. Did well enough that I gave my teachers and bosses that false hope I could be a superstar student or employee.

Not Fitting the Normal

Yet, because of my mental make up being so much different than the norm, I couldn’t develop my skills fast enough for my employers and teachers to really see my potential. Never could read a teacher well enough to know what was on a test. Had to study the entire subject. It will make you well grounded in a subject, like biology or history, but it is not conducive to getting good scores on tests.

Likewise at work, I couldn’t read my bosses, coworkers, or customers very well. Certainly, couldn’t the first time I met them or even the first few. Like I said, it takes me more repetition to learn things than many people. Yet, once that knowledge is learned, it is learned for life.

Learning Comes Through Many Reptations of The Basics

Still remember many of the plays we used in football games and practice simply because our coaches believed heavily in repetition and details. I loved that kind of take on sport. Didn’t want to be fancy or eye catching, just wanted to win.

Yet because I couldn’t learn the way my bosses and clients preferred; I didn’t make a very good employee. For years I was convinced I was defective and was damaged goods. I believed it so much it’s why I went on disability insurance in spite having a college degree and good intelligence test scores.

Right Tools, Wrong Applications

I may have the natural brain power many employers are looking for. Yet, the way my mind works and learns is not what gets a person ahead at a job, most of which are service sector jobs. Attention to details and thoroughly learning your field was the way to go for a renaissance era craftsman or a high-end scholar.

Good luck finding those jobs today. I have ability, talent, and intelligence. Have a gift for learning new things. I remember those new things my entire life. In many ways I am far smarter now than I was when I graduated college in 2004.

Many Trials and Many Errors Lead to Knowledge

I became smarter because I found out through trial and much error how I effectively learned. I learn by reading and by doing many times, not by listening to a lecture or two and doing a few trial runs. It does take me longer to learn the basics than most people. But I remember the basics far longer. And I can build upon those basics to even incorporating some of my own takes on work tasks and ideas.

Sure, it is an odd way to learn. It is also one most teachers and employers especially don’t like. I lost more jobs than most people have had in a fifty-year career simply because my learning style didn’t fit modern corporate or service sector styles.

A Mind is a Terrible Thing to Waste

Have to wonder how many millions of people just in our day and age that live lives of quiet desperation and poverty yet would be model employees, crafts people, or business managers but never get the chance mainly because they learn things in different ways.

Met a handful of people in my life that were on the Autism spectrum. Some of them were extremely intelligent. Yet most of them struggled socially and especially at work. This was primarily because the learning styles and communication didn’t match up with the culture around them.

I think that things we classify as mental illness like schizophrenia, bipolar, autism, etc., have always been with our species. It just wasn’t as much of a disadvantage in a less structured Stone Age.

Tribute to the Square Pegs being forced into Round Holes

I imagine the first medicine men, shamans, astronomers, and priests were men and women who would be considered mentally ill by modern standards. But they had a different way of learning and looking at the world than most other people. And it helped to eventually launch civilizations.

It’s the eccentrics, the odd fellows, and odd ladies who took our species from only a few thousand wanderers to the billions who are making plans of colonizing other planets. Providing we don’t screw up this transition, who knows what the human species will be capable of given thousands of years.

Because of the oddballs who, while scorned and condemned among their contemporaries, led the way forward out of the Ice Age caves to now standing at the entry way to the cosmos.

My Personal Odd Fellow Journey

Been a long and strange journey. It’s one I hope is only entering a new phase rather than reaching its climax and decline. The choice is up to us who are currently alive and how much we chose to nurture those who don’t think like the norm.

I will never be one of these innovators who profoundly changes the world. I am content to be among those who appreciate the eccentrics and encourage them onward. The road to the stars is fraught with great difficulties. Because of the odd ones, I believe we are up to this task.

Feels good to get back to my old routines after a few days of disruptions. The new floors in my house are working well. Much easier to keep clean than carpet. I’m settling in back into my wing of the house nicely. Getting ready for the final stretch before Christmas.  

I have a cold. Can’t breathe through my nose and have sneezing fits. Not much I can do except keep up the fluids, take vitamin C pills, and let it run its course. It’s a pity to get sick right before Christmas.

Sleeping in my recliner most nights. I no longer have back or knee pain. Haven’t had problems with either in over three weeks. I do walk around some everyday in the process of rebuilding my heart strength. Started lifting arm weights again. Adapting to my new winter routines nice.

I managed to stay stable during the disruption to my routines over the last few days. I slept most of the time the workers were at my house installing the new flooring. Just put in some ear plugs and closed my eyes. I didn’t even realize I was asleep most of the day they were here.

New Year, New Me (and new floors in my house)

The last few days have been hectic in my home. We took out all the carpets in favor of laminate flooring. That project was finished just this afternoon.

While it has been a disruption to my routines for the last few days, I’m glad it’s finally done. I’m willing to endure a few days of annoyance and inconvenience in order to solve a problem for the next twenty years. I’m hoping that without carpet trapping so much dirt, my allergies will subside.

I’ve noticed the acoustics in the house are better already. The sounds of footsteps are nowhere near as muffled. But the carpet was over twenty years old and showing signs of wear and tear. Glad we got it done before Christmas.

The floors are new, and just in time for the New Year. New Year’s has always been one of my favorite holidays. Used to go to New Year’s Eve dances all the time with my friends when I was in high school. Went to the local dive bars that had live music most years when I still lived in Kearney, Nebraska. Kearney was a college town, so there were always concerts going on at the local clubs.

Overall, I’ve lost 170 pounds since the start of 2020. I eventually want to get back to my old high school weight. Started lifting arm weights again. I can get anywhere in my house now without a wheelchair. I’m now rebuilding my endurance and heart strength. It will take at least another couple years. I’m not where I want to be yet, but I am on the right track.