Tag Archives: home

January 7 2020

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It’s been a good day overall.  Got a bunch of house hold chores done ahead of maintenance coming to my apartment tomorrow afternoon.  Took a nap and am generally ready to face the night.  We’re supposed to have two warmer than normal days before things start getting cold again right in time for the weekend.  Had a good chat with my best friend last night and my neighbor this morning.  She hadn’t been spending as much time here the last couple weeks due to the craziness of the holidays.  But she came over and we had a good chat.

My new bed sleeps well.  I have now gotten used to the bed being taller than my previous beds.  It is the right combination of soft and firm for me.  It isn’t so soft I sink in and it isn’t so firm it feels like I’m sleeping on the floor.

When my parents came to visit a few days ago, we got all my old flags hung on the walls.  I now have a pirate flag hanging behind my recliner and a British flag hanging behind my dresser.  My 13 colonies American flag is hanging right behind my tv.  I’m glad I didn’t buy more flags.  They, in addition to the artwork my best friend made, take up most of my wall space now.  My house now feels like a home again.  For a few years after I went minimalist I didn’t have much on the walls.  It’s amazing how much one year and weekly maintenance and cleaning can do to improve the surroundings and my morale.

I find myself sleeping less at night and even staying up later.  Yet I don’t feel tired.  I may be getting less sleep than I did during the summer and early fall, but I think it’s better quality sleep.  I changed out the parts on my cpap machine and I think that has made a big difference in my sleep quality.  Some days I don’t even need to nap anymore.

Between getting my cpap new parts, redecorating my house, getting a new doctor, having a regular cleaner come help me out, having regular contact with my neighbors even though I don’t leave my apartment some days, and having these lingering maintenance issues resolved, it feels good to be getting some tasks accomplished I had been neglecting.  I think much of this neglect was do to the paranoia aspect of my illness.  Sometimes all the tasks needing to be done were so numerous and overwhelming I didn’t know where to start.  I’m glad I got some outside help to help with my projects.  I’m starting to get over my fears of asking for help.

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Furniture, Futbol, and Feeling Fine For the Future

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Picked up some new furniture this weekend.  My mother and father let me have one of their couches and office chairs and I have a heavy duty recliner being delivered to my apartment this afternoon from a local furniture store.  I feel like I have an actual home again.  For the last few weeks I didn’t have much in the way of furniture besides a couple dining room chairs and my bed.  It was extremely odd eating my lunches and dinners sitting on my bed.  I had moved my computer desk to my bedroom so I could do my work from my bed.  I’m glad I got a couch and office chair as it makes my apartment feel more like a permanent residence.  And now that I can write from an office chair or couch, I feel like I’m doing more professional work on my blog and even my computer gaming.

Watched the World Cup finals over the weekend.  I kind of wanted Croatia to win as they were big underdogs.  But I wasn’t going to say much as I have readers from both Croatia and France.  But I think that Killian Mbassa (spelling?) from France is going to be as big a star as David Beckham and Cristian Ronaldo by the time he’s through. And he’s only nineteen.  When I was that age I was a geeky farm kid starting college.  But, living in USA,   I am probably a “Johnny Come Lately” when it comes to understanding soccer and appreciating how tough a game it really is.  When I was in college, my attitude was that I respected the soccer players for being in great physical shape.  But I thought it was “a lot of running for so little scoring.”  USA didn’t even have a professional soccer league until I think the 1990s.  So yes, we are behind most of the world in that regard.  I started following mainly because I have a niece and a nephew who love playing soccer.  When my parents were medical missionaries in Panama, most of the kids down there were kicking around soccer balls in the same way kids in USA play basketball all day.  But I did enjoy this year’s World Cup almost as much as I do the Olympics.  And I’m happy to see that USA will be one of the host countries, along with Mexico and Canada, in 2026.  But World Cup served as my sports fix at least until college football and baseball’s push for the playoffs start in September.  Hard to believe that September is only six weeks away.  Where has the time gone?

I have new furniture and we’re now almost halfway through summer.  And overall I’m feeling alright.  I don’t even feel depressed or paranoid very much anymore.  I feel quite hopeful about my life and society as a whole for the first time in months.  I enjoy this feeling.  I wish I could bottle some of it and save it for the “rainy days” that will eventually come back.  But for now, I’ll ride the happy streak I’m on for all it’s worth.  They don’t come along every day.

June 19, 2018

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Decided to spend a few days at my parents’ house.  Getting some much needed rest and relaxation.  Haven’t gotten in the conversations as much as I would like mainly because I have been sleeping so much.  Even after two days of unwinding, I can tell things are starting to improve.  I’m glad that I don’t have the temper I did even five years ago with this mental illness.  Maybe some people do mellow and relax with age.  I believe I have.

This trip to my parents’ place made me realize how much I miss travelling and visiting people.  I haven’t  travelled as much as I used to primarily because of chronic back pain.  But since I’ve lost some weight and just forced myself to get more active, I think I’m somewhat more mobile now than I was over the winter.  I still have to take it easier than I would like, but even that is starting to go away.

I have been so used to eating alone over the last several years I almost forgot what dinner conversation could be like.  Have had a few of those with my parents since I came to their house.  I forgot how much even a few minutes of face to face interaction could make me feel better.  I am convinced it was and is the paranoia aspect of my illness that doesn’t allow me to interact with others as much as I should.  I know I would be better grounded mentally and physically if I spent more time interacting with other people in person.

Getting some other things taken care of I had been neglecting for too long.  I have put things off when I was alone because I didn’t have either the motivation to get things done or the help to get things done.  One thing I still have to force myself to do is ask for help.  I have always had hard times asking for help, as if it made me feel inadequate and weak.  But I suppose as I age I’ll have to just ask for help more often.

It’s been a relaxing couple days out of the routine.  I imagine I’ll spend another couple days here at least before I try to go back and face my usual routine again.  But even the strongest people need to rest and relax once in awhile.

Mid Winter Recharge and Reset

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I’m currently at my parents’ house.  Been here for a few days.  I’m using this time away from city and apartment life to reset and recharge.  I haven’t been anywhere outside of my current home city since Thanksgiving.  I had gotten stale and stuck in my routines.  I imagine this happens to a lot of people in their mid thirties with careers and families where it sometimes becomes month after month of nothing but job and family responsibility.  It happened to me and I don’t even have a family or a traditional job.  I spent so long doing the responsible adult routines that I forgot why I was doing them or what I was living for.  I have found that it sneaks up on all too easily.  I haven’t even been fishing for over two years and I used to go fishing almost every weekend during the summers as far back as high school.  I want to do more of that once the weather warms again.

While I haven’t been subject to nasty psych breakdowns for months, I have been having problems with anxiety, paranoia, and depression.  Because of these issues, I had been not leaving my apartment except when absolutely necessary for several weeks.  I finally had enough of this and came to the conclusion that changes were needed.  To help this change along, I left my apartment and came to my parents’ house in the small village I grew up in.  In my younger years, I used to travel some at least once a week.  Sometimes I would come to my parents’ place for a day or two or I would just go places with friends.  Once I got serious about the blog and started having issues with chronic pain, those travels became almost nonexistent.  I haven’t seriously road tripped since before my car accident in October 2015.  I think as a result of not seeing anything different and just seeing the same neighbors day after day made me stale and more closed minded than I would have liked.  I even ran into the rut of only eating in the same three or four restaurants when I did dine out, did that for two years.  Routine can be settling for mentally ill people, yet too much for too long can be mentally and physically unhealthy.  It was even starting to make me a jaded and bitter old man far before my time.  So glad I was able to break out and see something different for a few days, even if it is just my childhood home.

Summers and Mental Illness

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We are now a couple weeks into summer.  I can notice already that the days are a little shorter than they were a few weeks ago.  I got a new air conditioner as my previous unit broke down.  It was the original unit from when my complex was built.  So I don’t have to rely on fans and cold baths anymore.

Summers are traditionally a rough time for me, especially July and August.  So far I feel stable and calm.  I haven’t had problems with depression or paranoia since I changed my medications.  And I even sleep less than I did during the winter and spring.  I still don’t socialize much outside of phone calls and internet.  But I have been enjoying the summer anyway.  I still play a lot of computer games.  I’m also listening to a lot of audiobooks on youtube.  I’m currently working on the Foundation series by Isaac Asimov.  I usually play Civilization or Medieval Total War on my PC while listening to audiobooks on my Mac.

I have beens staying up later the last several nights.  But I am still getting eight hours of sleep a night.  I still sleep in until late mornings.  I just stay up later and sleep less.  I like staying up late as I have been a night person as long as I can remember.

 

I Enjoy Being An Adult, I Must Be Mentally Ill

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I’m taking a bit of a detour with this post and try to be a little more humorous than usual.  Since I’ve been house bound because of a winter storm for a couple days I got to do some thinking.  One of the random thoughts that popped in my head is ‘being an adult beats being a kid.’  Sure I may have had more energy at sixteen than I do at thirty six, but I really didn’t know anything as a teenager.  And ignorance coupled with boundless energy can lead to dangerous and stupid things happening.  After five years of college, a few years of working, almost thirteen years of living on my own, writing a blog for almost four years, and spending five years now with educational videos on youtube university and binge reading wikipedia, I have come to the conclusion that even now I am not as smart as I thought I was at age eighteen.

I enjoy being an adult.  I really do.  I love the fact that if a boss is riding my case at work or my coworkers are being dolts, I always have the option of changing jobs or starting my own business.  I couldn’t transfer to another school in high school so easily to avoid bullies and immature classmates.  I love the fact that I don’t have to go to boring social events because my parents want me to.

As an adult I don’t have to feel guilty about not having legions of fair weather friends.  At the age of thirty six I have come to realize a few true hard core friends and some cool extended family is all a person really needs.  I don’t have to feel guilty about not being class president or not getting straight A’s.  It’s not like I made any money from my popularity or my academic achievements any way.  Even on youtube popular producers can make good money, not so in school.  I also didn’t like how joyless my high school settings were.  A bell rings and we move to change classes but don’t you dare be one second late.  I never did like being treated like one of Pavlov’s dogs as a kid.  Take abuse and scorn from bullies and classmates but don’t fight back because of zero tolerance laws?  At least in the adult world you can run away from an argument or try to plead self defense without losing your entire future.

And I am not intimidated by the fact that as an adult my successes or failures are on me and no one else.  I have a mental illness, but that doesn’t stop me from trying to make a decent life regardless.  I’m not married nor do I have kids but that doesn’t stop me from being a good influence and good uncle to my nephews and niece.  I don’t even have to feel shame for not being married or having kids as an adult.  I don’t have a job but that isn’t going to keep me from writing blogs and finding other ways to contribute to my fellow man even if I don’t get money or prestige from it.    I don’t have to associate with people who tell me that I’m not a “real man” for not having a job or a family if I don’t want to.  Shame and guilt have far less influence on me at thirty six than they did at twenty one. As an adult I am allowed to be more creative and I don’t have many of the restrictions I had as a child.  As an adult I don’t have to hit my older brother if he’s irritating me, I just don’t return his calls or avoid him until things calm down.  One of the best things that happened to my relationship with my immediate family was moving out of my parents’ house and setting out on my own.  We get on each other’s nerves less now than we did when I was a teenager now that I have my own place and I’m not expected to always be in a good mood.  If I’m not feeling well, I can just avoid friends and family for a couple days until things blow over.

One thing I enjoy as an adult is watching young people do stupid things.  I enjoy it more than when I was the young fool doing stupid things.  I know the consequences that are coming but the kids usually don’t have a clue.  And I get to chuckle when their schemes come undone.  But the young kids eventually become adults and grow out of their stupidity in spite the complaints of old people about the “damn kids.”  The boomer generation grew out of using drugs and free love, generation X grew out of binging on MTV and video games, and the millennials will grow out of their nonsense. People forget that before the World War II generation became forever known as the “greatest generation”, many of them were drinking bootlegged alcohol in speakeasies and chasing flapper girls throughout Prohibition before World War II carved them into marble men and women for all eternity.  But in spite of my enjoyment of watching young people do stupid things, I don’t hate them for their mistakes.  I refuse to complain about young people because my elders complained about how stupid and ungrateful me and my classmates were the entire time I was growing up.  I am never doing that to anyone.  I know what it is like to be thrown into a group and falsely accused of things I never considered doing.  It really sucks.  If I ever complain about young people as an old man, I hope someone knocks some sense into me.

I never understood the whole “how do I adult” mentality.  Who cares how you adult?  It’s not like there’s a teacher who’s going to hold you back if you don’t know how to get red wine stains out of a carpet or how to change a tire.  With seven and a half billion people in the world and the magic of the internet, I can ask around for any information I could possibly imagine.  Why in the heck should I clutter my mind with mundane information I can easily look up that I may need to know only once or twice in my life?  One of my house guests doesn’t like that I don’t decorate my house all nice, then don’t come visit me in my house.  We’ll meet at a restaurant or pub instead.  You don’t like that I don’t drive fast or sometimes keep fast food trash in my car, no one is holding a gun to your head to make you ride in my car.  There is public transit and taxis even in my small town.  How do you adult, you may ask.  Dude, adult however you dang well please for all I care.  I don’t grade on style points.  And ironically, most adults are too busy with their own lives to knit pick you over yours.

In short, I really do think most adults worry about a lot of junk that doesn’t matter one bit.  Your neighbor has a sports car and you don’t?  So what?  He’s probably having a mid life crisis and up to his eye brows in debt because he listening to everyone else telling him what he should want out of life and not listening to himself.  You got passed over at work for a promotion?  Big deal.  You know you’re not going to spend the extra money for your retirement fund.  You’re worried about being overweight?  No problem.  One third of the entire world’s population is overweight.  Obesity is no longer just an American problem.  Besides you probably weren’t that good looking at age twenty any way.

I should wrap this up.  In summary I love being an adult.  As long as I’m not infringing on the rights of other people, I can pretty much think, say, and write whatever I want. I no longer have a parent or a nanny teacher hanging over my shoulder watching me for every little mistake I make.  In short, make mistakes.  Learn from mistakes.  Go crazy and enjoy the freedoms and responsibility of being a grown up.  I for one enjoy being in my thirties far more than I did my teens and twenties.  At least now I don’t feel like I have to please a lot of people.

Adapting To Winter with Mental Illness

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Some people think I’m strange in that I prefer cold weather to warm weather.  Besides spring, winter is usually the best time of year for me.  While Christmas might not mean much to me personally anymore, I do enjoy seeing the excitement and joy on my nephews and niece’s faces.  I enjoy spending time with family more than I do getting gifts anymore.

The weather has certainly turned quite cold since Thanksgiving.  It doesn’t really bother me as I have plenty of books to read, food in my pantry, good internet connection, and I can call up friends and family pretty much anytime.  I probably would feel different if I lived in the Old West as a mountain man who had to cut his own firewood and go hunting all the time.  Since the weather has turned colder and the nights are getting longer, I have been sleeping more.  I’m not sleeping out of depression or sadness but I just like getting under the heavy blanket and semi hibernating.

Been reading quite a bit lately.  I’m reading mostly non fiction and science books lately.  Reading science and tech books, even ones that are a few years old, made me realize just how fast things are changing.  And most people don’t even know these changes are happening.  I currently have a several year old Play Station 3 but the next gaming consul I buy will probably have some Virtual Reality setup.  I imagine the Oculus Rift is a popular Christmas gift this year.  I’m probably going to wait a couple years and let the prices come down before I get one of my own.

Since it looks like it’s supposed to stay cold for the next several days I think I’m pretty much going to stay home.  I have a few projects around the apartment that I want to get on top of.  Been kind of lazy about some things as I was fighting bouts of depression and anxiety all fall.  I’m probably going to rearrange my apartment.  As I don’t have a lot of furniture this won’t take more than an hour or two at most.

One advantage to the colder weather is that I’m much less apt to go for fast food.  I’ve been eating healthier the last several days and I notice an improvement already in my moods and energy level.  Sometimes in the afternoons I’ll walk the hallways of my complex just to break up the routines on these cold days.

I’m back on my normal meds doses.  I had to increase all my meds during the fall because of my problems with stress, depression, and anxiety.  But as I’ve felt much more stable the last few weeks I was able to come down off the high doses I was on.

All in all I’m beginning to settle into my winter routines.  I have plenty of books I want to get read this winter and I’m already off to a good start on those.

 

Minimalism and The Schizophrenic Mind

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Years ago at one of my first jobs my supervisor made a remark about how disorganized my work space was.  I replied something to the effect “My work space is immaculate compared to Einstein’s.”  My supervisor replied “Can you imagine how much more he would have accomplished if he was half way decluttered?”  My boss had a point.

I am not a neat freak by nature, but I haven’t let my apartment get college frat house cluttered for several years. I found a middle ground.  If I say so myself, my place looks pretty good compared to some of the bachelor (and even bachelorette) pads I’ve seen.  Since I live in a complex with dozens of units, there is a minimum standard I have to keep at all times.  I’m not about to get evicted over something preventable.

One thing I have noticed since I became serious about health and exercise is that every aspect of my life has improved.  Everything from my finances, my appearance, my mental stability, and the cleanliness of my apartment have improved.  I have achieved a cleaner apartment through practicing minimalism.  Minimalism is really just getting rid of clutter and things I don’t absolutely need.  Last summer I took an inventory of everything I had in my apartment and looked at everything I hadn’t used in the last twelve months.  If it had been longer than that since it was used, it immediately went away.  It may have been given away to neighbors or it may have gone to Salvation Army, but it was gone.

I got rid of a lot of clutter immediately.  Books I hadn’t read, clothes I hadn’t worn, DVDs I could watch on Netflix or Youtube, CDs were backed up on my computer and thumb drives (I literally do not own any music CDs), decorations for holidays, all furniture except a dresser, a night stand, a couple chairs, a couple small couches, and light weight computer desk were gotten rid of.  Most of my ‘stuff’ was given away.  Some things like worn out shoes, flip flops, and socks went to the dumpster.  After this first round, my books with sentimental value, my classic literature books, and history books were kept on two tall book shelves.  I have gotten to where most of my reading materials are on my iBooks files.  I do have a short book shelf that serves as a stand for my printer and computer programs.

The second wave of the minimalist project involved giving away all canned food in my pantries I wasn’t going to eat.  I will not buy anything I know I won’t eat.  I don’t care if it is on sale.  I’ll pay a little extra if I know it will be eaten.  I had to get rid of most of my old clothing as I had lost a lot of weight.  I now have only ten shirts, three pairs of gym shorts, a couple pairs of sweat pants, a couple pairs of jeans, a couple dress shirts, a couple winter coats, and a couple light fleece coats for clothing.  That’s about it.  I also have only four pairs of shoes, a couple walking shoes, a pair of dress shoes, and a pair of steel toed boots.  I own four lamps.  Put in brighter energy saver bulbs and use more natural sunlight.  I got rid of most of my dishes.  I literally have maybe three plates, three bowls, four cups, and a half dozen spoons, forks, and knives.  I don’t even have a toaster or electric skillet.  If I want toast and pancakes, I go to the all night diner.

This sounds drastic, but it has simplified my apartment and my life. It has led to less stress, less anxiety, more peace, more contentment, and even better finances.  I no longer feel a need to buy stuff I don’t need to impress anyone.  No need to keep up with the neighbors.  The neighbors are probably more broke than I am even if they make more.  It’s because I don’t buy anything I don’t absolutely need.

I’m not done even yet.  I would like to eventually get all my books to fit onto one book shelf and get rid of the other shelf.  For those wondering how I entertain guests, there are literally dozens of restaurants, sports bars, parks, etc. in my small town that have furniture, food, HD televisions, and wifi.  I got to where I saw no point in having things I would use only a few times.

One thing I didn’t minimize was my emergency preparedness materials.  I still have first aid kits, flash lights, a crank up radio, etc.  If we get snowed in or flooded in for a few days I’m the guy who remembered toe nail clippers and a Swiss Army Knife.  Some things I don’t shirk on.

My mental well being and money situation really improved once I got rid of most of my clutter and quit looking for contentment in owning things.  It is such a good feeling to see how little clutter I have in my closets and on my floors now.  It’s a good feeling to have some emergency money.  It all gives peace of mind to an otherwise anxious and distressed schizophrenic brain.  If I can’t be organized in my mind, I’ll do it in my outer surroundings.