I’m currently at my parents’ house. Been here for a few days. I’m using this time away from city and apartment life to reset and recharge. I haven’t been anywhere outside of my current home city since Thanksgiving. I had gotten stale and stuck in my routines. I imagine this happens to a lot of people in their mid thirties with careers and families where it sometimes becomes month after month of nothing but job and family responsibility. It happened to me and I don’t even have a family or a traditional job. I spent so long doing the responsible adult routines that I forgot why I was doing them or what I was living for. I have found that it sneaks up on all too easily. I haven’t even been fishing for over two years and I used to go fishing almost every weekend during the summers as far back as high school. I want to do more of that once the weather warms again.
While I haven’t been subject to nasty psych breakdowns for months, I have been having problems with anxiety, paranoia, and depression. Because of these issues, I had been not leaving my apartment except when absolutely necessary for several weeks. I finally had enough of this and came to the conclusion that changes were needed. To help this change along, I left my apartment and came to my parents’ house in the small village I grew up in. In my younger years, I used to travel some at least once a week. Sometimes I would come to my parents’ place for a day or two or I would just go places with friends. Once I got serious about the blog and started having issues with chronic pain, those travels became almost nonexistent. I haven’t seriously road tripped since before my car accident in October 2015. I think as a result of not seeing anything different and just seeing the same neighbors day after day made me stale and more closed minded than I would have liked. I even ran into the rut of only eating in the same three or four restaurants when I did dine out, did that for two years. Routine can be settling for mentally ill people, yet too much for too long can be mentally and physically unhealthy. It was even starting to make me a jaded and bitter old man far before my time. So glad I was able to break out and see something different for a few days, even if it is just my childhood home.
In this life with schizophrenia, I have had my ups and I have my downs. Lately, actually for the last three months at least, I have been more inactive than I should be. I haven’t been exercising every day like I should be. Usually I go for short walks everyday and lift hand weights two to three times a week. Haven’t been doing that as often lately. And I can tell it’s starting to take it’s toll. I don’t have as much energy to accomplish everyday tasks as I once did. I also have been lacking the motivation to work on my writings, unlike a few months ago. In addition to these blog posts, I also write poetry, journals, and am working on a novel. I currently have two books of poetry self published through lulu.com. I figured if I don’t have a regular job, I need to find some way to keep myself occupied and somewhat productive.
As a result of my inactivity I can tell my physical health has suffered. I have more aches and pains than someone in their early 30s should. I attribute this to way too much inactivity. I am convinced my inactivity was initially brought on by a bought of depression that was bad enough that I checked myself into a mental health hospital for four days back in September. After I got out of the hospital I would sometimes sleep twelve to fourteen hours a day. Some days I would sleep just out of depression, while others I would sleep out of boredom. It became a nasty cycle. I would sleep out of depression and I would be depressed that I was missing out on what was going on around me. I would be too tired and or depressed to do my exercise and my socializing. And I would be tired and depressed because I wasn’t exercising or keeping up with friends and family.
Even though I have been depressed and inactive for a long while, I feel like I’m starting to pull out of it. Maybe it’s the change of the seasons or the hope of the upcoming new year that’s helping me out of my current depression. Or it could be one of the phases of my individual illness. This isn’t the first time I have gone through a period of inactivity and depression. I went through one similar to this about six years ago, back in the fall of 2007.
One of the positives about having had a mental illness for over half of my life is that I can recognize many of the patterns of the illness. Not only can I recognize the triggers and know what places, types of situations, and people to avoid, I know a lot of the short term and even some of the long term patterns. Many people with mental illness have a seasonal component that goes along, where they do worse during some periods than others. For me, I have always done bad in late summer, usually August and early September. For others it’s during the winter.
I always have had to remind myself during these days of depression during the last three months that I’ve been through these times before. I’ve come through these times before. And I will come through them again. Better times will be ahead.