Tag Archives: anxiety

Schizophrenic Hallucinations

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As I am now well into the process of changing medications, I’m noticing changes in my behavior and habits.  Most of these are good problems to have but they do take adapting to none the less.  I have noticed I now feel lonely more often.  On my old medications I could gladly go days on end without interacting with anyone in a meaningful way.  I used to avoid contact with other people as much as possible.  In my paranoid and delusional states I used to think that most people were stupid, malicious, and not worth spending time with.  And the hallucinations, when my mind would talk to me without my permission (that’s what my auditory hallucinations are), would just go over all the times when I was let down by other people’s thoughtlessness and slights.  It was massive doses of confirmation bias by means of my schizophrenic mind.

When the hallucinations (or my mind working without my permission) gets into working like that, it takes a lot of work to break out of that.  Sometimes it will just burn itself out. Other times it can lead to completely unrelated trains of thought that have no connection in reality but are interconnected and related in my schizophrenic mind.  This can lead to extremely bizarre thought patterns and behaviors on my part.  When I was in college I used to believe that people were going through my trash or watching me at all times. Once I did see another student going through the dumpster, so that was all the confirmation I needed for a real long time. This lead me to throwing my trash in the Wal Mart dumpsters on the other side of town and doing all of my shopping in the overnight hours. The thought that it was a coincidence was never entertained by the hallucinations.

Confirmation bias can be really nasty for someone with schizophrenia, especially for those with unhealthy and crippling levels of paranoia.  I shopped in the overnight hours for years to avoid being watched.  I always listened to my music with headphones so no one could listen in my music.  I still really don’t feel comfortable talking about my tastes in music for fear people will be excessively critical of my tastes.

 

Adjusting to New Medications

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It’s now been two weeks since I started the process of medication changes.  I will go off one med entirely starting tomorrow.  I’ve already noticed positive changes in my moods and mental states.  I don’t get as easily irritated and I seem to deal slightly better with stressors.  I have a stronger want to get out of my apartment and do things other than blog and mess with computers.  I even found myself looking through the job postings of my local newspaper just to see what was out there.  While I don’t believe I’m stable enough to hold employment, I have found myself kind of bored with the life I had carved out for myself over the last two to three years.

I find myself wanting to socialize now outside of close friends and family members now.  To this end I talk more to tenants in my complex and participate more in online discussion forms.  I didn’t realize until the last few days just how bad I had let my socializing fall apart over the last year or so.  I actually feel bad now that I haven’t been socializing.  Yes I have gone from being irritated and annoyed by most people to now actually wanting to be around people more often.  I doubt I’ll ever become Mr. Social Hour as I have been an introvert my entire life.  But I do enjoy people watching at the park and the mall.

I haven’t been as active as I would have liked.  But I hope that’s mainly because of chillier weather the last several days.  I don’t think I eat any more than I did previously with exception to the first few days of the change over.  I don’t crave sugar all the time now.  Hopefully that was a passing thing as I was adapting to different medications.  But I haven’t had much for auditory hallucinations nor have I had much for paranoia the last few days.  I’m not even that bothered by driving any more, at least not as much.  I don’t get overly irritated if someone is driving too slow or not following standard road etiquette.

And there are some things that haven’t changed that much.  I still don’t watch that much traditional tv, especially not the news.  The news I usually get from online sources.  In fact, most of my tv watching besides live sports is online.  I will watch some baseball most days or at least have it on in the background while I’m doing something else.  And I’m involved in the same fantasy baseball league I’ve been with for the last several years.  It’s a free online league of myself, a few college friends, and several friends of friends.  But just because it’s a free league doesn’t mean it’s not competitive.  It makes me watch games almost everyday and pay attention at least ten minutes a day to my team.

I see my psych doctor tomorrow to discuss the next phase of my treatments.  We could be going anywhere from here.  But I know we won’t keep doing what we have been for the last several months.  I can hardly wait to see where we go from here.

Changes

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It’s been one week since I started the medications change.  I’m noticing big differences already.  For one, I make it a point to leave my apartment multiple times a day whereas I may have left only once or twice a day if at all.  Not only am I getting out more, I actually want to get out more.  Driving doesn’t cause me as much agitation now, so it’s easier to get across town.  Been to the park most days this last week.

I am more motivated and less lazy too it seems.  Finally shaved my winter beard.  I looked more like a mad prophet than a mountaineer with my growth.  I never looked good with beards.  I rearranged my apartment.  I even find myself watching baseball every night, especially since the season started a few days ago.  I used to go weeks without watching regular tv as I thought it was mind numbing and soul killing.  I still think most tv is mind numbingly stupid but I no longer swear off it entirely.

The only real negative I have seen is that I do get hungry more frequently.  Used to be I could eat a large breakfast, a small afternoon snack, and a decent dinner and that is all I would need for the day.  Now I have eat smaller meals every five hours it seems.  I’ve also developed a bad craving for sugary food.  This may make my weight loss tougher but then I have always been a naturally very large person.  I was one of these heavy kids in high school and college who had a lot of muscle in addition to being a little fat, so I looked a lot better than my measurements would have indicated.  I have had female friends for years tell me I was handsome despite how big I am.  I never put much stock in it until I hit my thirties because, really, how many teenagers and twenty somethings are satisfied with their looks even on a good day?  I guess my sugar cravings have replaced my cravings for caffeine.  I have drank maybe three cups of coffee in the last week.  I used to drink that many before noon most days.  I don’t have problems with blood pressure or cholesterol, at least not enough to be on medications.  But maybe my decreased want of caffeine will lower my blood pressure and reduce my anxiety level.

It has been an eye opening first week of a medication change.  I normally don’t experience this many changes this soon when switching medications.  But I hope the positive changes keep coming and the negative ones can be compensated for.

Relapses and Lonely Friday Nights

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The last several months haven’t been the most stable for my mental illness.  I had a “small” psychotic relapse yesterday afternoon.  Unfortunately this was at least my fifth breakdown since last summer and the second just in the last six weeks.  Things haven’t been stable and what I’m doing to minimize these relapses is no longer working.  I called my psych doctor and I’m now on the waiting list for an open appointment session.  I think I’m going to probably go back to my old medications.  They worked much better than what I’m on right now.  On the old medications I was on for at least six years I probably had only one or two relapses in an entire year, usually in late August or early September.  And even then the relapses weren’t as vicious as they are now.

I am afraid that changing medications could sink my attempts to lose weight.  I’ve lost over forty pounds in the last two years with these newer medications.  But these relapses are getting too frequent.  And even when I’m not relapsing I am more paranoid, more easily irritated, and more delusional than I have been in previous years.  One of my delusions now is that most people are stupid and malicious.  I’ve even gotten to where I don’t socialize in person unless it’s absolutely necessary.  But there’s only so much youtube, online articles, and computer games even a mentally ill man can do before such things become detrimental and unhealthy.

I can tell other aspects of my life are suffering.  I haven’t shaved in weeks and I don’t grow good beards.  I also haven’t showered every day like I normally do.  I haven’t been doing laundry as often as I should.  Things like my personal habits have been slowly deteriorating for the last few months.  I haven’t even gone to the park for over a week.  I normally go to the park three to four times per week.  Driving has become an irritable chore.  I drive so little now I usually go three weeks between refuels.  It’s been this way since mid October.  Besides a few snowstorms and one major blizzard, we didn’t have a bad winter.  Another delusion I have developed lately is an irrational fear that I’m going to get into another car wreck.  My social life and entertainment activities have been completely curtailed for months now because of the irrational fears that I’ll get into a wreck and that people are stupid and violent.  This is no way to live.  Changes are needed.

It’s a Sane, Sane World

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Over the years of trying to learn what makes average people act the ways they do, the only absolute I have come to is this; the biggest difference between being diagnosed as insane or sane is the number of people involved. It is considered insane to have crippling paranoia or depression. It is considered sane to complain about your shortcomings but do nothing to address said shortcomings. Over the course of the almost three years I have done this alifeofmentalillness blog I have stated on several occasions I would do just about anything to be sane and normal again.  I should be more specific and revise this.  I would give anything to not suffer delusions of persecution, hallucinations, crippling bouts of anger and depression, and the general isolation that comes along with it.  But I do not want to become what most people would consider normal.  By that I mean I do not want to lose my ability for empathy.  From what I have seen out of normals over the years, they seem to have a general lack of empathy or ability to see things from others people’s viewpoints.  I do not want to be uncaring.  It causes a great deal of pain that I sometimes have to be mean and even borderline abusive to people just to get a point across.  I hate being angry and mean to people.  I’m not a natural jerk.  Never have been and never will be.  I don’t know how much of that is the illness and how much of that is my natural personality.  But I absolutely hate being mean and combative to people. If I can’t be pleasant with someone and have them be pleasant to me, I try to avoid that person. To paraphrase Lee Marvin from the classic ‘Paint Your Wagon’ “you don’t have to love thy neighbor if you just leave the poor fool alone.”  But too seldom have I seen anyone, mentally ill or not, just leave other people alone.

Another aspect of sanity I never want to possess is the tendency for group think.  I love having a mind and using it. I hate celebrity gossip.  I hate reality tv.  I hate tabloid journalism.  I’ve even come to hate watching sports on tv because of the base nature of what is modern sports journalism.  It doesn’t bother me that a pro athlete makes more than any worker that isn’t executive management or an entrepreneur.  If I had 50,000 people pay $50 for tickets to read my blogs  or ten million subscribers like some popular youtube personalities, I’d be wealthy too.  Besides, well over half of pro athletes wind up bankrupt within five years of their retirement.  Watch the ESPN documentary ‘Broke‘ to see how true this really is. I am however bothered with how people will build up someone with talent only to knock them down later.  That is why I hope and pray I never become famous or wealthy.  “More money, more problems” as the late Biggie Smalls said.

I love learning new things, which is a skill which will become more valuable than it is now in the coming years and decades as technological and scientific advances get even faster than they are now.  For years I have listened to normals complain about their jobs.  I heard the “Oh God It’s Monday” and “Thank God It’s Friday” memes long before I had even dial up internet.  And I’ve seen and read articles on both domestic and foreign news sites about how potentially we could see job losses to automation with future unemployment rates that would make the 1930s look like a bull market on steroids.  NPR had an interactive article I’m linking to about chances of different types of jobs being taken over by machines and computers.  For example many jobs in customer service will likely be taken over, but many traditional medical and STEM jobs probably won’t be automated anytime soon.  And I bring this up because now many people are fretting over their jobs being taken over by machines.  Seriously?  First you complain about how bad you hate your job.  Now you complain that you may lose said job that you were cursing not even a couple months ago?  Make up your minds, people.  Do you think your current job sucks or do you want to do that lousy job?  Personally I don’t care if the robotics take the jobs I’ve had, providing there is some restructuring to tax laws and social safety nets.  The robots are coming, make no mistake.  They will take a lot of jobs.  Advances can be temporarily delayed but will win out.  Robots and computers will take many, if not most jobs.  How will we address a significant portion of people who identified with their work for their entire lives being unemployed and behind on their payments?  I normally don’t talk politics on this site, but regardless of your political philosophy these are issues that we need to demand our lawmakers discuss, ideally sooner rather than later.

Believe it or not I have worked before, even after I was diagnosed with a mental illness.  I have been a retail clerk, fast food cook, waiter, factory worker, teacher’s aide/graduate assistant, dish washer, janitor, construction worker, farm hand, lawn mower, and newspaper delivery boy (when I was 10 years old).  And everyone of those jobs (with the exception of teacher’s aide) was repetitive, mind numbingly boring, required no creative imagination, and didn’t really make a difference to even my small hometown.  Most of those jobs stand a good chance of being automated within the next twenty years anyway.  So those jobs were drudgery, not stimulating, and I worked mostly with people who were not very creative or intelligent. But those were the only jobs available to me, at least in my small town and rural area.  I can foresee a mass migration out of rural areas and small towns all over the world (more so than now) once automation really gets rolling.  Even I may be going to a big city if enough of my hometown dries up and or stagnates.

Creative jobs will likely become in demand soon.  I liked the teacher’s aide job because I got to interact with above average intelligence people everyday, got to use computers, got to teach a few college courses as a substitute teacher, and was actually encouraged to use my creativity.  Unfortunately that job was contingent on me being a graduate student in the Masters in Business program.  I loved the job but didn’t do well enough in the classes to keep my job.  I could have seen being a computers instructor and research rat for the next fifty  years.  But I can’t because I don’t have that piece of paper that states I am qualified for a job like that.

So here I am living on the fringes of society because of my disability.  Wasn’t my first choice but that is the current system we live under.  I don’t make the rules, I just live by them.  I never wanted to just waist my mind on disability.  But the aspects of the illness that make figuring out office politics and dealing with vicious bosses and coworkers will not allow me to function in our toxic modern work environment.  I don’t see how normals function under such systems.  Perhaps normals do it only by copious doses of reality tv, alcohol, anti depressants, tabloid news channels that don’t report anything that really makes a difference (I watch foreign news casts even more than U.S. news because I don’t care at all about celebrity gossip or what steroid pumped football god beat up his girlfriend this week).  I didn’t like the work environments I was in.  Not because I couldn’t physically or mentally do the work.  Far from it.  I just couldn’t adjust to the environment of toxic coworkers and borderline abusive bosses.

As far as people who think I am lazy and just being a leech off the good tax payers of my nation, I wish to leave you with the following thoughts.

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I am definitely not one of the one in ten thousand who can make the breakthrough, perhaps maybe among the one in ten who truly try to appreciate the men and women who make breakthroughs possible.  If it weren’t for brilliant scientists working on psych meds I would be in a padded room in an insane asylum as would some of the coolest people I ever met.  If it wasn’t for medical science my dear mother might be dead because of heart and thyroid problems.  If it wasn’t for scientists and engineers we wouldn’t have the internet, anti biotic drugs, sanitation, etc.  I am grateful every day for the ‘one in ten thousand.’  Everyone should be.

Early Spring This Year

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It’s been warmer than usual late winters here for the last two weeks.  So I’ve been able to get back to walking outdoors most days.  Went to a park with a large lake where I walk in the summers three times a week a few times already.  Migratory bird season is in full swing.  I’ve seen lots of Canadian Geese and Cranes already.  So it is very possible that spring is starting earlier than usual this year.  No doubt we’ll have at least one more snow. But it won’t last long now.

Mentally I’ve been doing alright for the vast majority of the time.  Maybe it is the nicer weather cheering me up.  It does get old after awhile of being stuck indoors because of the cold and snow.  I’ve been sleeping better too.  I pulled only one all nighter last month.  I’m thinking the more consistent sleep is helping me manage my mental illness better.

Had the complex maintenance man come to my apartment this morning.  I had to have some things fixed and a few others replaced.  So I just left for a few hours and let him work.  In previous years I had been paranoid about letting others into my apartment when I wasn’t there.  I was concerned about what they would think about how I kept my place and if they were going through my personal stuff.  After being in the same place for ten years I’m not nearly as paranoid as I once was.  I’m actually not as paranoid overall as I once was.  I still have to deal with the fact I don’t handle stress well and I get easily irritated.  But even that should be getting better the older I get.

Finally, Some Normalcy!

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Since the holidays have come and gone, things are starting to slow down and return to normal.  At least, things are as normal and quiet as a life with mental illness is going to get.  Haven’t felt anxious or irritable for a few days.  Things are more quiet then they’ve been in months.

Went to the Wal-Mart yesterday for the first time since early November.  I have avoided large box stores and the mall during the year end holidays for a few years.  I buy from local stores to avoid the crowds.  I worked as a retail clerk during the Christmas rush about a dozen years ago.  It gave me a renewed appreciation for retail workers and anyone who works in customer service. I didn’t deal with some of the horrors that minimum wage service employees in many places but I still have a few stories.  Anyone who has worked in retail or low wage service jobs has stories.  I think someone could have a decent book or blog idea if they’d go undercover and work as a retail store clerk or fast food worker for a couple years and take notes everyday.  It might even open some eyes much the same way Upton Sinclair’s ‘The Jungle’ did about conditions in meat packing plants.

As out of the ordinary as holidays have been in the past, I’m always glad for a return to normalcy.  Quiet and normal routines are good for those of us with mental illness.  Been back on my diet and exercise routines for a week.  My back is feeling good as new after two full months of chiropractic treatments.  I have only three more full treatments left.  I’m back to doing arm weights again.

Been reading more too.  Currently working through two print books and one audiobook on youtube.  And I ordered three more books through amazon with Christmas gift cards.  Should keep me occupied book wise for the rest of winter.  I never really could get into fiction books, unless it was a classic or historical fiction work.  I can’t even write good fiction or suspense.  When I was in grade school, our teacher wanted us to write some kind of ghost story for Halloween.  Mine was more comedy than drama.  I don’t read fantasy.  I wasn’t into C.S. Lewis, J.R.R. Tolkien, or even Dr. Seuss as a kid.  I was into science and history books but not real heavy into science fiction.  I have read some old Jules Verne, a little Isaac Asimov, and recently some Corey Doctorow audio books and stories.  I have always found what really happened more interesting than fantasy.

Since I can’t spend as much time outdoors now that it’s winter, I’ve been messing with computer games more. Unlike books, I do like fantasy video games like Skyrim and the Final Fantasy series.  But my favorite video and computer games are Sim City, Railroad Tycoon, and Civilization. So I suppose even in my mindless entertainment I still like brain builder and strategy games.

My life is starting to return to some resemblance of normal.  After months of stressors and setbacks the normalcy is much appreciated.

Average People and Trolls from A Mentally Ill Point Of View

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I’m probably putting myself on the line, may lose a few friends, and make myself a moving target for anyone who doesn’t understand me or mental illness, but I got to write this anyway. As a schizophrenic I have readily admitted to not knowing what makes average people tick.  Maybe the fact I don’t know how to act around average people makes me schizophrenic to begin with.  Perhaps it’s the fact I simply do not know how ‘normal’ people socialize nor do I know how to interpret why normal people act the way they do is what separates the mentally ill from the chronically normal.  Perhaps the defect in myself is not a genetic one but one in simply looking at the universe in a way that is not considered socially and culturally the norm.  I am somewhat intrigued to see that mentally ill individuals often are better adjusted in developing nations where the bounds of community and family are much stronger than in the more developed nations of Europe, North America, and eastern Asia.  But I stress again, you normals, I have been trying to figure you guys out ever since I was five years old and I found out very harshly I didn’t see the world the same way you guys go.  And trying to figure your kind out gives me more problems and headaches as does this blasted schizophrenia.

I can live with the voices that tell me I am stupid, worthless, a failure, and undeserving of life, love, liberty, the chance at happiness, and the other comforts you normals so willingly take for granted.  I’ve dealt with that nonsense for half of my life and all my adult life.  I can deal with the sometimes unexplainable bouts of depression and sadness at what I could have been.  What I can’t figure out are you normals and the unspoken rules you set up for yourselves and didn’t bother to write down for those of us who may have missed the memos.  And I sure can’t figure out why you normals feel like you have a God given responsibility to harass, annoy, and irritate those who are weaker than you or just want to be left to their own projects and lives.

I readily admit that those out there in the world, let alone those in my life, that need to read this aren’t going to read this.  You normals don’t seem to have an attention span longer than fifteen seconds nor do you seem to comprehend any concepts more advanced than any taught beyond fourth grade.  Be that as it is I’ll continue on with this post merely for the sake if this does happen to be read at some point in the future.  Will one of you normals, any of your normals, please explain to me why, why do you feel a need to gloat, troll, and generally all around be disrespectful of anyone who has a different opinion or has any difference for that matter?  If the universe or God or whatever is in charge would have meant for every object and organism to be exact replicas of each other, then you better believe we would all be the same.  There wouldn’t even be any organisms capable of being conscious of being able to distinguish other organisms from itself if we were all meant to be exactly the same.  Why don’t you normals get that and just allow for the differences to exist without antagonizing others who don’t look or act or think exactly the same way you do?  Do you normals just thrive under conflict and controversy?  I have to think that you normals do.  I have to think that having some conflict, or conquest, or mythical dragon to slay is what drives the average human, and thus mankind in general.  But I will say though, it sure makes things quite brutal for those of us you don’t readily consider normal who don’t thrive on conflict and conquest.

Perhaps the reason I myself and those like me have mental problems and don’t function well in modern civilization is because we don’t thrive on conflicts, divisions, and controversy.  Have an aggravating and conflict filled day where you can slay the demons if you are normal and have a calm and still day if you are like myself and don’t thrive and conquest and anger. Have the kind of day your soul craves.

 

P.S. Note to wordpress.com:  You new setup for where your bloggers enter their blog posts and set their key search terms doesn’t work well, is anything but user friendly, and is aggravating.  I enjoyed working with the older setup much more. I could be like a typical normal and say ‘it sucks’ etc., but like I just wrote I don’t thrive under conflict and I don’t like using hateful terms except when I am under a psychotic break.

 

 

 

Thoughts on Invisible Illnesses

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An old college friend of mine posted this on his Facebook page.  Wish I knew where he found it so I could give proper credit.  So true….

 

Ignorant (lacking in knowledge) people can be so cruel!! I’m posting this because recently I have been mocked and laughed at for things beyond my control… I have two of these illnesses as do some of my friends…. Not one of my Facebook friends will copy and paste (but I am counting on a true family member or friend to do it). If you would be there for me no matter what then copy and paste this. I’m doing this to prove a friend wrong that someone is always listening. I care. Hard to explain to someone who has no clue. It’s a daily struggle being in pain or feeling sick on the inside while you look fine on the outside. Please put this as your status for at least 1 hour if you or someone you know has an invisible illness (IBS, Crohn’s, Schizophrenia, PTSD, Anxiety, Arthritis, Cancer, Heart Disease, Bipolar, Depression, Diabetes, Lupus, Fibromyalgia, MS, AS, ME, , Epilepsy, hereditary angioedema , AUTISM, Borderline personality disorder, M.D.,D.D.D., CFS, Histiocytosis, O.D.D, A.D.H.D, RSD, PBC,RLS ,COPD etc.) Never judge. I care! And am praying for all those that are fighting these invisible illnesses. This is for a few friends of mine and all who suffer in silence!I

Confessions of a Schizophrenic and Christmas

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Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Happy Kwanza, and Happy Birthday Sir Isaac Newton!  In short, just have a good day overall regardless where you live or how you believe.  I spent a few days in my childhood home village in rural Nebraska.  Didn’t really go anywhere because there really isn’t that many places to go there.  My parents and I had our Christmas celebration this afternoon over ham and pumpkin pie.  I hadn’t been anywhere outside of my current hometown for any real length since my grandmother’s funeral.  I almost forgot how much I enjoy road trips and traveling.  This was the first Christmas I didn’t have any living grandparents.  But most people lose their grandparents long before they hit their thirties.

Overall, besides of a short lived but hard hitting psychotic break a few days ago, this year was a quiet and rather uneventful holiday season.  I was purposely avoiding shopping malls and box stores.  Things are beginning to get back to more normal with my life.  Had my first psychotic break of 2015 in early October that was rather nasty but thank God short lived. Unfortunately, my psychotic breaks involved a lot of anger and shouting.  I never developed the ability to just break down and sob for my break downs.  I think many men with mental illness take out their issues on others in scary and unsettling ways.  For me, it’s actually a cry for help and desire for releasing tensions instead of wanting to come across as threatening and dangerous.

I am afraid that after my family passes away I’ll lose a major source for releasing tension and anxiety.  They are also a source of interesting and intelligent conversation as they are quite intelligent too.  Tragically I don’t relate that well to most people because I am not interested in the mundane and the issues of daily living.  I just cannot stand to rehash current events for hours on end.  I see five minutes of a minor news story that gets replayed dozens of times over a few days of a news cycle and I no longer wish to discuss it.  I also have little desire to complain about anything I can’t do anything about.  That’s why I don’t vent about politics, current events, the failures of my favorite sports teams, etc.  And it’s almost painful for me to listen to conversations between average people.  Especially so when people bring up the same problems over and over they have no interest in making better.  I fear the death of my family members as much as I fear the death of my best friends.

I have never gotten violent during even the worst of my breakdowns, at least never to other people.  When I was in college I used to punch wood doors and shelves.  But I have never gotten violent towards anyone even after almost twenty years of mental health problems.  I haven’t been in a fight with anyone since I was thirteen years old, and most of those fights were with my older brother and cousins.  I am afraid of winding in prison or getting seriously hurt in the wrong circumstances during a future breakdown.  In my case while the fire burns hot and bright, it also goes out quite quickly.  I only hope symptoms and problems with schizophrenia get less severe with age, especially if an outright cure is never found. I know some people with mental health issues like autism spectrum and others don’t care to be cured.  For me I would give practically anything to be cured from schizophrenia.  I would even sign up for experimental treatments and procedures if they ever became available.

In other news, I have gotten more focused and serious about dieting and exercise.  I lost thirteen pounds in the last two and half months.  I am back into exercising almost every day as my back is no longer hurting from my car accident.  I got my car fixed as good as ever.  I’m also sitting down and planning out my goals for 2016 as the year 2015 is drawing to a close in a few days.  I accomplished several of my goals for this year, namely getting my amateur radio license back, having more blog posts and visitors this year than 2014, got to be in my best friend’s wedding party, read a few dozen books and audio books, completed a couple free courses on khan academy,  stayed out of debt, and built up my savings more.  The biggest goal I didn’t accomplish was my goal of losing sixty pounds.  I weigh the same now as I did at the end of 2014.  So while I didn’t accomplish my biggest goal, I didn’t completely give up the lifestyle change.  I just have to do better in 2016.