Self Quarantine and Mental Illness

Posted on by
1

It is March 23, 2020 as I write this.  I have been on voluntary self quarantine for a week.  The last time I left my apartment was March 16 so maintenance could spray for bugs.  I had to be out for an afternoon.  So far I’m holding up.  Found myself sleeping more than usual.  But I haven’t been as anxious or irritable as I thought I would.  One thing I think is helping me is that I gave up most caffeine.  I’ve had maybe three cups of coffee in the last three weeks.  I know that too much caffeine can make it irritable and twitchy.  I still lift weights three times a week.  I call family at least once a day to check in on them.  A man in my parents’ church tested positive to covid 19 a few days ago.  My brother and his wife have been working from home for the last couple weeks.

Overall I’m doing alright.  I had some groceries delivered this afternoon.  I’m good enough I don’t have to leave my apartment for awhile unless absolutely necessary.  I haven’t had any visitors for the last two weeks besides my cleaning lady who arrives once a week and my neighbor who helps me with my laundry once a week.  I know I wouldn’t be weathering this crisis nearly as well if I didn’t have the aid of friends, family, and neighbors.  So glad that I stayed on good terms with friends and family.

March 19 2020

Posted on by
Reply

I’ve been staying home for the last several days.  So far the isolation hasn’t gotten to me yet.  I call my family every morning and talk to at least one friend every day.  Been watching some movies I’ve always wanted to see.  Saw a couple Monty Python movies this week.  Saw some George Carlin and Bill Hicks specials too.  I also sleep more.  I try to sleep 10 hours per day now.  I still lift weights three times a week.  I don’t drink much caffeine these days.  Had only two cups of coffee in the last two weeks.  Maybe that’s why I’m not as irritable or restless as I could be.

Mentally I’m holding up so far.  I make a point of avoiding news articles and shows for most of the day.  I use social media mainly to talk to family and friends anymore.  I haven’t participated in my groups since this pandemic started.  And I try to do breathing exercises and meditation at least twice a day.  And I wash my hands every couple hours whether they need it or not.

So far I’m holding up.  But this could be a long ordeal.

March 18 2020

Posted on by
1

Been back home for a week now.  Got all the necessary things in the remodel done.  Haven’t left my apartment in two days.  So far I’m doing alright.  Renewed my Netflix subscription and watching some movies and comedy shows I had always wanted to see.  Saw some Monty Python this morning.  Watched some George Carlin skits on St. Patrick’s Day.  I try not to watch the news much.  Sometimes it can get too discouraging.  The best I can do right now is keep my hands washed and avoid large crowds.

I talk to my family at least once a day.  Contact friends on a near daily basis too.  I keep hydrated and take a vitamin C pill every morning.  I started lifting weights again.  I took the previous two weeks off while the remodel was in progress.  I am so glad I got that done when I did.

Overall I’m just preparing to settle in and bunker down for the time being.  Have some money saved up for emergencies.  Hopefully won’t have to go anywhere anytime soon.  Sounds like things are getting crazy out there.  Stay safe and stay calm.

Emergency Preparation and Disability

Posted on by
Reply

A few years ago I wrote a couple articles about emergency preparations.  Now that COVID 19 has been officially declared a pandemic, now is a good time to review this.

Some musts people must have include several days worth of emergency food, mainly non perishables that require little to no preparation.  Things like beans, rice, canned foods, jerky, peanut butter (if you are not allergic), honey, several days worth of bottled water in case the water goes out are a good place to start.  The best are things that don’t need to be kept cold and or won’t spoil for a long time.

Other things that will be needed are extra over the counter medications like pain pills, cold medicines, flu medicines, nasal spray, and a first aid kit.  With as overwhelmed as hospitals could become, you may have to rely on yourself, family, and neighbors for anything that isn’t life threatening.

Prescription medications are a problem.  Most places won’t allow you to fill several months worth of medications at once.  It’s simply against the law.  Prescription meds are a tough call.  As for me, I have a set up where I get my meds filled for 90 days at a time.  I also had some samples from doctor’s appointments.  Do not go off your meds, especially anti psych meds.  We’re all already under stress as is.  Going off psych meds during a crisis like we are facing will make things even worse.

Having cash on you may be a good idea, especially if the power goes down or there are bank runs or ATMs run out of cash.  Always be aware of your surroundings, especially when away from home.

Get on good terms with neighbors and family if you aren’t already.  If things get really bad, like survival type situations, you will be glad you have a close by network of neighbors, friends, and family to fall back on.  I am limited mobility now, but I am on good terms with most of my neighbors and my land lady.  It helps that I helped out lots of people when I was still healthy and very mobile.

Also, wash your hands with soap and water.  I can’t stress this enough.  Avoid going out in public if you feel like you have a fever or are getting sick.  Stay home if you have to.  Wearing a face mask is not going to keep you from getting sick.  What it can do is, if you are sick, reduce the spread of germs from you to everyone else.

Finally, we are living in a time and place where history is being made on a daily basis.  Our descendants will be talking about these days years after all of us are gone.  Stay calm and avoid large crowds as much as possible.  Don’t be touching other people unless necessary.  We are living during stressful times.  But most will make it through.

March 8 2020

Posted on by
Reply

The remodel of my apartment started yesterday.  We have the carpet torn out.  Today we will probably do some painting.  The work on the new floor will start tomorrow morning.  I’ll have to stay in a hotel for a few days.  Fortunately my family is in town to help with this project.  I can stand a few days of upheaval for a solution that will probably last the next 15 years.  I’m glad this has gotten started.  I will be glad when it is accomplished.

Being A Man With Mental Illness

Posted on by
Reply

I have spent most of my life alone.  The last time I had a roommate was my senior year of college in 2004.  Lived alone ever since.  Some days it’s all right, being free to do whatever I want and whenever I want.  Some days it is almost unbearable though.  The worst days are when I make multiple attempts to reach out to people only to be ignored.  Sometimes when I want to talk to someone, I’d rather it not be family.  As much as I love my family, they can be narrow minded and judgmental about some things.  Sometimes I feel like I can’t be my true self around them.  I severely censor myself or keep my problems to myself because I’m in no mood for a lecture or being condemned.  Irritates me that, even after twenty years of mental illness, I’m still blown off and told to “quit whining”, “be a man”, or “you’re so lucky.”  I still hear all of these quite often.  And people wonder why so many men never talk about their problems or make emotional connections to anyone.  Having a mental illness makes this only worse.

People have often asked me when I’m getting married.  I don’t usually have the stomach to tell them never.  Most of the time I want to tell them to shove off.  I never want to get married.  For one, my mental illness would make me a lousy husband and father.  Second, my mental illness makes it impossible for me to hold a job.  And let’s face it, almost no one respects a stay at home dad.  Third, I fear getting divorced and losing my family, my friends, my home, my prestige, just because I made the mistake of marrying the wrong person.  Fourth, why should I?  My entire life I heard this “I don’t need a man” or “You go girl” or “girl power”, etc.  Which I really have no problem with except that too many people build others up by tearing others down.  Why is it when I say I don’t need a woman living in my house I’m seen as weird and weak?  Why do women get to expand their roles beyond the traditional nurturers and home managers but men are expected to just stay in the moldy old days?  I don’t understand that.  It makes no sense.  What does the world really lose because I choose not to marry, have kids, or get myself an early grave trying to prove my worthiness for life at a job that ultimately means nothing?  Why do I have to prove myself all the time?  Why do I have to earn my humanity and manhood?  I really want to know.  And why, oh why, can’t we just leave people that don’t fit in alone and stop bugging them?  Will civilization collapse if everyone isn’t doing the exact same thing all the time?  No.  So stop expecting everyone to fit into some subdivision.

Late Winter Updates

Posted on by
Reply

Been doing alright the last few days.  Staying close to home except to meet delivery people on ground floor of my complex.  It gives me a reason to leave the house.  I usually get a few deliveries per week, whether it’s groceries, items I order through Amazon, or the pizza guy.

I’m getting new flooring next week.  My parents are visiting for the weekend too.  I’m also getting my walls repainted and having some work done in my bathroom.  I’m actually happy about getting a new toilet.  Yes I am middle aged.  I’m looking forward to having my place remodeled, but I am not really looking forward to having be out of my nest for a few days.  But I can put up with it to have the problem solved for 15 years.

The weather is starting to warm up.  The last few days it hasn’t been below freezing except at night.  The snow we had over the winter is melted.  The tree outside my window is starting to bud.  And the migratory birds are coming back.  I often hear geese flying overhead and my town is a big spot for cranes returning this time of year.  When I still had a car, I’d drive around out on the county roads near the river and just look for cranes.  They would just be sitting in the fields and be so thick you couldn’t see the grass.

Baseball season starts in a few weeks.  My fantasy league draft is in a week and a half.  I haven’t done very well the last couple years.  My best finish was a second place finish in a league of twelve a couple years ago.  Hopefully the Rockies can do better this year.  Regardless, I am ready for some spring.

It has been a long winter for me even though I haven’t had breakdowns since before Christmas.  I did a lot of reading over the last few months.  I usually pass my days with reading, computer games, staying in contact with family and friends, and keeping up with my neighbors.  I usually see my neighbors once or twice a day.  They usually make dinner for me once a week.  They make some excellent Mexican dishes.

I usually do most of my own cooking.  I think it’s been two years since I ate at McDonalds.  I just don’t really like fast food that much anymore.  Makes my stomach unsettled.  And I’m a pretty decent cook, at least for myself.  I can make some pretty good bratwursts and barbecue chicken on my electric grill.  I don’t do much baking as I don’t eat much bread or carbs anymore.  I eat a lot of grilled meats, vegetables, and soups.  Pretty simple tastes I suppose.

I don’t drink as much caffeine anymore.  I usually have a cup of coffee with breakfast and that is often it.  I sometimes get jittery and irritable on days I have too much coffee.  Plus I am convinced it makes my muscles tight and makes me breathe harder.  An uncle of mine rarely drank anything with caffeine because he said it “cuts your wind”, meaning it made him breathe hard.

Don’t use social media much except to keep in contact with close friends and family.  I had to cut down my friends list and change some of the settings because it was getting too overwhelming to manage.  It’s not that I am upset with people, it’s that I can still contact them if needed.  The good thing about facebook is that it’s easy to drop in on old classmates.  I do my best to avoid being part of arguments.  I already have too much chaos running around my mind to intentionally add to it.  Sadly, mental illness has put limits on my ability to socialize.

March 1 2020 Part 2

Posted on by
Reply

Now that I got the last rant out of my system, I’m feeling better overall.  I actually feel almost energetic on top of feeling restless.  Maybe it’s the sunshine and fresh air we’ve got the last few days.  Even though I haven’t left my complex in a few days, I have had my windows open for much of the weekend.  I think the fresh air is making me feel better and more energetic.  Hopefully the last rant I wrote is enough to cure me of my irritability for awhile.  I’m glad spring will be here soon.  April, May, and June are my favorite times of year.

March 1 2020 Rants

Posted on by
Reply

Been more discouraged than usual lately.  I stay home almost all the time anymore.  It’s too discouraging venturing out among people now.  I’m scared of people in general anymore.  I’m even scared to do anything on social media besides talk to a couple friends.  Sometimes I’m even scared to write in this blog anymore.  I’m tired of being condemned a snowflake or triggered just for the crime of having feelings and emotions.  Triggered am I?  Just try living with schizophrenia for 30 days, let alone 20 years, and you will see triggered.  I find it odd that we don’t value emotion, reason, and logic in people but are trying to build machines with these abilities.  We want our machines to be human and we want our humans to be machines.  Why is this?

I have long since given up on using reason and logic in trying to figure out my fellow humans.  I can’t make sense of people.  I have never been able to.  I don’t understand office politics.  I never have.  That’s why I failed in every job I ever had.  I don’t understand why it makes some people feel important and powerful to degrade and bully others.  I despise bullies.  Have my entire life.  Being a jerk to others, especially those not in position to fight back, has never impressed me.  But it does lots of people for some reason.  And from what I’ve seen, the grown ups are far worse than the kids.  Yet, the adults feel like it’s their God given duty to treat young people like trash and the end of civilization.  What gives?  I swear for being an advanced species, we truly hate our offspring.  And people wonder why I will never have kids.  Even though I’m almost 40, I still remember being the scared stiff 11 year old getting bullied for being smart and unathletic.  It seems to me most adults don’t remember what it was like to be kids.  Either that or they don’t care if kids suffer.  The kids are better than the adults now.  I mean, why else would 70 year old politicians slander teenagers and college kids trying to make a world a better place?  It seems that the higher up people get in places of power, the more we allow them to abuse us.  Stockholm Syndrome, anyone?

And these kids that we gladly unload on, they are right in seeing how absurd most of what passes for acceptable behavior from our elders and leaders really is.  While I am in favor of using physical discipline on children (at least as long as it doesn’t get excessive or is used every day), most adults I know could use a few whippings themselves.  I swear we hold six year old children to higher standards than we do presidents, popes, CEOs, etc.  Personally, I think this is absurd.  But what do I know?  I’m just an unemployable middle aged schizophrenic on the internet.

Push for Spring

Posted on by
Reply

Today is Mardi Gras for my Catholic friends.  The start of Lent season was always a sign for me that winter was almost over.  I have weathered the winter alright so far.  I haven’t had any breakdowns since before Christmas.  I started reading a book that was over 1200 pages at New Years and I’m barely over half done.  But I try to chip away a little every day.  I try to contact family and friends at least once a day.  The last few days my best friend and I have been having a running dialog over facebook messaging.  She works a job where she occasionally has down time and can chat for a few minutes even if she does have to be on her feet all day.

I got some real good news several days ago.  I’m getting new flooring in my apartment.  I’m getting my walls repainted to and some work in the bathroom done too.  I never thought I’d ever see the day I’d get excited over getting a new toilet.  But I guess that happens once I hit middle age.  I’m supposed to be getting this in a couple weeks.  The only drawback is I have to be out of my apartment for several days.  I’ll probably be staying at a hotel here in a town for the duration.  I imagine I’ll be doing lots of sleeping and internet research for that time.  But I can accept a week of inconvenience in order to have my apartment updated for the next fifteen years.  I guess this is my end of winter good news.