Author Archives: alifeofmentalillness

I’m Ready For Some Good News

Posted on by
5

Been watching the news online on and off all week. Breaks my heart that we made it through a pandemic only to have a major war. While I managed to make it through the pandemic and am thousands of miles away from the war, the last several years have taken a toll on me. I’m more or less house bound anymore because of my mental illness and chronic pain. At this point, I don’t even want to leave my house unless absolutely necessary. I’m too discouraged and disheartened to interact with most people in person anymore. I still hear from my neighbor across the hall several times a week. Maintenance was in my apartment to replace my intercom a few days ago.

All of this discouragement and anxiety is taking a toll. I am afraid of most people anymore. I am afraid of having a mental breakdown in public. I am afraid people will pick fights just because I may not agree with them. I know only a handful of people (myself included) who haven’t gotten covid. Even my brother has had it at least twice. I’d rather not talk to a therapist about all of this. I just want to vent to friends and family. Therapists are neither. I don’t need therapy. I need the support of real family and friends. Therapists are a poor substitute for both.

I am, like most people, spending more of my budget on groceries. Prices on everything have gone up. I’ve had to change my eating habits to make the budget work. So glad I no longer have a car. I get sticker shock every time I go shopping. Can’t even remember the last time I bought ground beef, let alone steak.

I’m scared of socializing. I’m tired of being forced into pointless drama. I’m tired of everything going wrong all the time. I can understand why monks and scholars have voluntarily isolated themselves from the rest of the world for thousands of years. I more or less do just that, even if it is just my apartment. And I’m content and happy with it. What bothers me is that most people I know can’t understand why I’m happy to be alone all the time with my books and computers. I have never enjoyed social gatherings or workplace parties that much. I don’t even like watching sporting events anymore. They just lost their appeal for me. I wouldn’t even do fantasy league baseball if not for a few friends. And now the baseball season may be delayed because of a lockout. I swear nothing works like it’s supposed to anymore. I’m just ready for some good news again.

Feb 20 2022

Posted on by
Reply

Been warmer than usual for the last several days. Supposed to get real cold starting tomorrow morning. I’m actually looking forward to it. Gives me an excuse for not feeling guilty about not wanting to leave my home. Probably just stay home, make cheese soup, and read for the next several days.

I’m feeling less aches and pains all the time. The only real bad time is in the mornings. My knee pains are all but gone but I still get lower back pain after sleeping for several hours. I got a new mattress a week ago. It’s firmer than my old one and a lot easier to get out of. I usually stay up late now and sleep until 9am.

My best friend found a new job. She has to have security clearance and can’t take her phone into her office. So I haven’t gotten to talk to her much in the last couple weeks. I miss our chats but I know this job is better for her than most of the jobs she’s previously held. She too has problems with anxiety and depression.

I think I’m continuing to lose weight. I don’t have the same appetite I had even six months ago. I’m able to make my groceries go farther. I still get winded if I have to stand for several minutes at a time. I’m also not as heat sensitive as I used to be.

Mentally I’m stable. I’m not having flare ups as often. I still do better taking people one at a time and in short time periods. I hear from my neighbors at least once a day. I still call my parents several times a week.

Been kind of lazy about reading the last several days. I always seem to read more in cold weather. Been watching lots of documentaries about America before the arrival of Europeans lately. Same with the old Silk Road.

Mid Winter Routines With Schizophrenia

Posted on by
Reply

Gone back to more normal sleep routines. I’m having very few aches and pains lately. I still have issues standing for more than five minutes at a time. So glad for home grocery delivery.

I’ve been more stable this week than the last couple. Most days I have only one or two flare ups. These aren’t as intense and short lived. Haven’t had much of an appetite for the last few weeks. Some days I eat only once. I rarely eat more than twice daily.

My parents are coming up this weekend. I’m getting a new mattress and microwave for late Christmas. I swear they don’t make furniture and appliances as sturdy as they used to. I haven’t had much for visitors all winter.

I’m pretty content to stay close to home these days. I don’t have to go shopping as I get everything delivered. I don’t even have a car anymore. I get sensory overload too easily anymore. It’s gotten worse the older I’ve gotten. I can’t even sit through a whole movie on Amazon Prime anymore because of too much to take in. I usually have to break it into three or four separate sessions.

Going to have maintanence come in sometime tomorrow. My intercom no longer works. It seems the older I get, the more people take my requests and issues seriously. I don’t know why my issues become more important just because I have some gray in my beard now. Any wonder why I refuse to be nostalgic? I remember how bad being a young adult could suck. I always will.

Things I Don’t Miss From My Youth

Posted on by
1

Going with a little more light hearted post today. I guess I’m getting old enough I could become nostalgic if I wanted. Yet, there are things from the past that I don’t miss. So here goes

Things I Don’t Miss From The Past

Tape recording songs off the radio only to have the DJ cut off the last twenty seconds of the song

Metal slides and shorts at the park

Leaded paint on everything

How every restaurant, theatre, and high school sports event had the thick haze and smell of cigarette smoke

Having to use pay phones

Losing my PC game CDs and having to buy entirely new ones

Bullying not being taken seriously

Having only three tv channels

Dial up internet

My car CD player skipping every time I hit a pot hole

Losing contact with friends after they moved away

Going to the mall for Back To School shopping

The fashions of the 70s and 80s

The Cold War

Getting my news only from CNN

Typewriters

8 bit graphics on video games

Having to blow on my game cartridges to get them to work

Lax enforcement of drunk driving laws

Recovering After A Rough Spell

Posted on by
3

I’m starting to recover after a couple rough weeks. Been feeling more paranoid and irritable than usual. Things started getting better a few days ago. I’m back to more regular sleep even if I am staying up a couple hours later than usual. I still sleep half of the night in my recliner. It seems to be easier on my back and knees.

So far has been a milder and dryer winter than usual. We haven’t had anywhere near normal snow. It actually feels more like prolonged autumn than winter some days. Still gets real cold at nights.

I really haven’t changed my routine much. I drop in on my neighbors once a day. I go to the complex library at least once a week. I contact my family usually once a day. Still listen to lots of audiobooks. I usually kept to myself most of the time for fear of having a breakdown in public. Finally had a minor one a few days ago. Didn’t last long but it was healing like having a good cry or any other emotional release.

Broke down and bought some smaller shirts several days ago. I’m down a full shirt size in the last two years. My aches and pains aren’t nearly as bad. I still get winded occasionally but I can recover from those faster than even a few months ago. I do have problems falling asleep but I get quality sleep once I do sleep. 4am to 9am seems to be my best sleep time. I still take my meds every night. They sometimes make me sleepy.

Things Do Get Better

Posted on by
Reply

The flare ups have started to ease. It helps that I’m getting more sleep and avoiding stressful people and situations. Opening up to friends and family more helps too. It’s still pretty cold here, too cold for me to spend much time outdoors. I just don’t handle cold as well as I did even three years ago.

I still read a lot of audiobooks. Still working on mostly history and geopolitics books. I’ll usually put an audiobook on while playing a computer game like Civilization or Sim City. I can easily knock an hour or two out of a book every day now.

My aches and pains are far less now. Getting out of bed is still the worst but even that is more manageable than even two months ago. I’m even taking less advil these days. I bought some shirts that are a size smaller than I normally wear. They fit all right. I still have a long way to go, but I have made a lot of progress just in the last two years.

Flare Ups

Posted on by
1

Been having flare ups of the mental illness several times a day for the last couple weeks. I’ve been more on edge than usual. I never leave my apartment except to meet the delivery man. Having lots more irritability and paranoia lately. Been having problems with sleep too.

I really want to talk to my friends and family about the problems I’ve been having the last couple weeks. But, everyone’s too busy with their own hang ups and problems. I’m wound up tighter than normal. I don’t even enjoy eating anymore. Some days I’ll eat only once a day.

January 17 2022

Posted on by
Reply

Been having more frequent flare ups lately. Usually happens several times a day. So I spend most of my time alone. My flare ups involve lots of irritability and paranoia. I also have flashbacks to past incidents.

To remedy these new flareups, I sleep more. I probably sleep twelve hours a day now. Most nights I fall asleep around 9pm and wake up around 9am. I avoid people most of the time now. I rarely leave my apartment for anything anymore.

I sleep in my recliner most nights now. It’s a lot easier on my knees and lower back. I now understand why my dad slept in his recliner for years.

Still listening to audiobooks every day. I still have some sense of routine even with the increased flare ups. Sleep seems to be the best therapy for bad flare ups.

The Pains of Socializing While Mentally Ill

Posted on by
Reply

The Pains of Socializing While Mentally Ill

Posted on by
Reply

I don’t leave my apartment complex very often these days. Sure it is painful to be constantly lonely. But the pain of being around arrogant, angry, and rude people is even worse. I’m actually scared of socializing with people I don’t know. I literally do not have the ability to read people. Never have. I don’t know how to pick up on social cues, don’t know when people are angry with me without them yelling at me, don’t know when people are happy with me unless they specifically say so, and I certainly have no ability to pick up on things like power dynamics. It makes socializing with most people almost impossible. The pandemic and deepening divisions within society over the last several years have made it even worse.

I haven’t had a day without paranoia for several years. I get paranoid when I hear footsteps in the hallway. I get paranoid having to interact with my neighbors and landlady. I get paranoid even hearing people call my name. For the vast majority of my life, the only time people wanted to see me was to condemn me or point out what I was doing wrong. Most of this was quite nasty. I don’t enjoy socializing. It’s a nightmare for me.

Naturally I hate talking about my problems. First of all, seems like no one cares. Second, nothing ever changes when I do complain. I’ve had maintenance issues in my apartment that have taken over five years to solve. They got solved only when my family got involved. I don’t understand that. Why is it my complaints are ignored but when multiple people, namely my family, get involved, suddenly it’s like things start getting done. Even my doctors have never listened to me. It’s why I don’t go to doctors unless it’s an emergency. It’s just a waste of time if they aren’t going to listen to you and nothing ever changes.

I feel the same way about politics. I can’t understand why people are so rabid about their political beliefs when politicians are notorious for not getting things done or making effective change. The politicians themselves don’t decrease my quality of life, it’s the people who have a religious like fervor for their political beliefs that do. Sadly, that is most of my family and many of my friends. I’ve lost most of my friends over the last several years because of how serious they took politics. They care about it more then they care about their own children it seems.

I am tired of constantly feeling lonely. I don’t isolate because I am anti social, even though even my own parents accused me of this all the time while growing up. I am not anti social, I just have different interests than most people. Always have. Always will. I can’t even watch a football game anymore without hearing friends and family complain about the players, the coaches, the officiating, the strategy, etc. Most of this complaining comes from people who haven’t played even junior high sports. I don’t know anything about quantum physics or engineering, but I am not going to criticize those who spend their entire careers to such fields. My brother is an electrical engineer by trade. He has probably forgotten more about computers and electronics than I could learn in five lifetimes. I refuse to comment on his work. Yet people, who’s only experience with competition was playing dodgeball in grade school PE, feel they have a God given duty to complain about star athletes and coaches. Is it because we as a species value physical strength more than we do wisdom and knowledge? Probably.

As far as feeling lonely, it’s not because I hate people. When I find someone with similar interests, I can talk to them for hours. But if all people want to do is talk about how much they hate their jobs, how disrespectful the kids are, or the weather, I’ll be looking to end the conversation within a few minutes.