Tag Archives: changes

Beginnings of Spring and New Routines

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Even though it’s been a little more winter like the last few days, I can tell that spring is on the way.  I’m starting to sleep less and even wake up earlier.  I haven’t pulled an all nighter in over a week.  I’m starting to do grocery shopping at night like I did in the past instead of at like 3 am.  I’m chatting with friends more and starting to sort out my apartment.  I had gotten lazy about cleaning since Christmas, so that was needing to change.

Mentally I’m as stable as I have been in a long time.  I still don’t socialize much in person even if I make it a point to leave my apartment several times a day.  Sometimes I leave for something as simple as getting soda pop at the convenience store just to get out of my apartment.  I haven’t had any real bad flare ups for weeks.  I don’t know if it’s because I don’t socialize that much or if I’m settling into a calm period.  Late winters and springs are usually the most stable times of year for me.  Late summers and early falls are always tough.

In other news, my niece and three nephews are coming to Nebraska for a few days over spring break.  I haven’t seen those kids since last summer.  It’ll be fun to touch base with them.  I don’t get to see them very often.  I do wish I lived closer to my brother and his family.  Even though my brother and I weren’t close when we were growing up, I still think it’s important to keep touch with family members.  Besides my parents are in their late 60s and they aren’t getting any younger.  After a friend of mine told me her mom had cancer, it made me realize that easily could be my parents struggling with their health.  And it got me thinking about my own health.  Working against a chronic mental illness for twenty years has taken a toll on my physical health.  I don’t get sick with viruses or infections very often, but I can tell I don’t have the physical strength I had even ten years ago.  And people with schizophrenia tend to have shorter life spans to begin with.  I can tell the stress of the mental illness is starting to wear me down.  There is a connection between mental health and physical health I am convinced.

The winter is essentially over.  We will probably have a couple more snows but they won’t be the type that stay around for weeks.  I’m already starting to make plans for spring.  And I’ll probably start spring cleaning and maintenance next week.  I have a couple projects I need to get done that I’ve been putting off for weeks.  It’s time to come out of my hibernation and winter exile.

Odd Sleep Patterns With Mental Illness

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I have been experiencing changes in my sleep patterns the last several weeks.  I now usually stay up quite late and sleep in the mornings until usually noon.  But I still get my sleep and am still able to do this blog two to three times per week.  I am still able to socialize with friends and family in spite of my mornings being when I now sleep.  I have adjusted to this new routine by doing my shopping and errands at night and scheduling my medical appointments for late afternoons.  I look at it as no different than working a nigh shift job.  My mother worked night shifts for years so I think it runs in the family.

Oddly I actually have felt more stable and calm during the last few weeks.  Because of my overnight schedules I have been able to avoid problem neighbors whom have been causing me grief and irritation.  The fact that I rarely hear from irritable and angry neighbors has made my stress levels go way down.  I haven’t felt this calm and relaxed in a real long time.

Even though I’m not getting a great deal of physical activity as it’s still winter, I have found myself eating less.  Most days I eat only two meals, drink a lot of water, and have a couple cups of coffee.  I have found that caffeine can be an appetite suppressant for me.  But if I have more than two cups of coffee at a time it can make me jittery and irritable.  And I think I’ve even started to lose weight again because I’m eating much less.

I haven’t had problems with hallucinations and delusional thoughts lately.  I think it helps that I still get good sleep, avoid stressful people and situations, and just pretty much have settled into a routine that has been helpful for the course of the winter.

My sleep patterns do vary throughout the year.  During the summers I am often awake shortly after dawn and usually don’t sleep as much as the winters.  I sleep the most and stay up the latest in the winters.  But it evens out as winters are usually slow and uneventful times for me.  I usually have my worst problems with schizophrenia in late summers and early autumns.  I don’t know if it’s common for someone with my diagnosis to have seasonal aspects to the illness.

As of right now I am happy with my patterns and routines.  I can still get things done and I don’t get bothered by irritable people as much as I normally do.  I imagine as the days get warmer and longer I probably will start waking up earlier and hibernate less.

Laughter as Therapy

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Over the last few days I’ve broken out of some of my old routines.  I have stopped spending much time on social media.  I have quit watching news videos on youtube and have even shut off my internet news feed.  I’m trying to break the cycle of sleeping so much.  And most importantly, I have taken the time to watch some comedy videos on youtube.

I think one of my biggest problems over the last several months was I wasn’t taking any time to unwind and relax.  I have been so focused on how unhappy and angry many people in my life have been that I forgot to relax.  I think that far too many people are wound up for too much of the time.  I think there really isn’t enough humor and laughter, at least not in recent months.  Too many people spend way too much time worrying about things they simply cannot control.  Are you worried about terrorism?  You’re much more apt to be killed by a drunk driver or die from falling in the shower than you are from a terrorist attack.  Are you worried about climate change?  There are probably hundreds of thousands of scientists and engineers working on practical solutions and alternatives to polluting energy while all you can probably do by yourself is drive less and recycle your aluminum cans.  Are you worried about some drug resistant super bug decimating our species?  Scientists and doctors all over the world are actually working on solutions while all you do is fret over the latest news reports.

In short, worry by itself is good for nothing.   That’s why I decided to stop watching current events type things and dystopian science fiction, which is most science fiction anymore, and find comedy videos on youtube.  Been watching a lot of Richard Pryor, Bill Hicks, Trevor Noah, Jon Stewart, and John Oliver the last several days.  I have also watched some old Penn and Teller shows.  I have found that I can handle some current events and news if mixed in with healthy doses of humor and satire.  And let’s face it, a lot of what has been going on the last several months looks like episode scripts that were too outlandish even for South Park.  And I doubt that I’m the only person who hasn’t resorted to humor to help deal with difficulty.  There are reasons that The Daily Show and Last Week Tonight are as popular, if not more so, than some news shows on traditional cable news networks.

And I think the renewed focus on humor and happiness is beginning to pay off.  I haven’t really felt depressed or irritable for a few days.  I’m not eating as much fast food.  I’m going to bed earlier.  And I’m not worrying about things and other people as much.  I just feel like I have a better quality of life overall these last few days.  And it’s mainly because I sought out reasons to laugh again.

Beginning of 2017 and So Long to 2016

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The holidays have come and gone.  I’m glad for it.  The too loud Christmas music and fireworks on New Year’s Eve were getting to cause me sensory overload.  I’m glad that things are going to start to return to normal.  I haven’t experienced any normal for a long time.  2016 was indeed an odd year.  Many of the heroes of my childhood, namely John Glenn, David Bowie, Muhammed Ali, etc. died that year.  I guess the older I get the more I’ll see the heroes of my childhood die off.  But as old heroes die off, new heroes will step up and take their place.

I spoke to my counselor right before New Year’s.  He and I agreed that I’m doing well enough that I only need to see him only once a month.  As tough as 2016 was for me I did escape the year without having to go to the mental hospital.  I’ve now avoided that place for three years.  I think the older I get the more I am able to deal with the ups and downs of my mental illness.  The last breakdown I had was before Halloween and the last one I had before that was back in July 2016.  And both of these breakdowns were less intense and less long lived than breakdowns in previous years.  Maybe I am getting on top of this mess.

Talked to my landlord the other day.  She said I’ll be getting my new paint for my walls and new carpet by the end of January.  I have been anxiously waiting for new carpet and a new paint job for months.  I have lived in my current apartment for over ten years.  I haven’t have much done to the place since I moved in.  And the carpet and paint on the walls are probably over twenty years old.  They are due.  I haven’t complained about them in the past simply because I knew whatever complaints I made would be ignored and not taken seriously.  I have had legitimate complaints over the years not taken seriously by my bosses, coworkers, teachers, classmates, and even family members.  So I am now to where I don’t complain unless it’s a major crisis because, from past experience, I know I won’t be taken seriously.  I never understood way complaints of subordinates and renters were never taken seriously  by those in authority.  I may be in my mid thirties but I still don’t trust authority figures because for years my complaints were always ignored.  That could be one of the reasons I isolate and don’t socialize.  I just know from past experience that my opinions are just not valued.  They never have been.  I don’t expect them to ever be valued really.  I have just been burned too many times.

I am glad the madness of the holidays and the insanity of the election are over.  Both have made my life very difficult for many months.  I am tired of having to hold my tongue for fear of offending a friend who doesn’t think exactly as I do.  I am tired of always fighting crowds and traffic every time I want to leave my apartment. I am tired of always feeling like I have to hole up and hide out just to protect my sanity.  I am ready for some things to return to normal.  I won’t miss 2016.  I only hope 2017 is a better and more hopeful year.  I got tired of seeing angry and hopeless people every time I turned on the tv, logged on to Facebook, or left my apartment.

 

Changes In Interests With Mental Illness

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school201

Over the years of working with schizophrenia I have had to reinvent myself a few times.  When I was first diagnosed in 2000, I was a wreck.  I pretty much left my dorm room only to go to classes and go to the mess hall twice a day.  I couldn’t concentrate in classes or doing homework for longer than a couple minutes at a time.  I was trying different medications twice a month just hoping to find something that would work.  As a result of these struggles I had to drop out of my pre med major.  I even had to take a semester off from college because I was in danger of flunking out entirely.  After a few months off the academic grind and finally finding some medications that worked well, I was able to return to school be it with a different major.  I decided to do business management because I really knew little about money and business and thought I could find a job in that field once I recovered.  I never did completely recover but I did graduate college with a business degree.

After a year of working in sales I tried my hand at getting a masters’ in business.  At the time my dream was to teach basic economics and personal finance at a small college.  That was before I realized how tough it was to get tenure and that the majority of junior college instructors are not full time.  After two semesters in the program my grades were hurting enough that I lost my graduate assistant job.  I could have stayed in the program but I would have to go deep into debt.  So I left the program.  After my failing to become a college instructor, I got a job in a factory.  It was simple enough work but I couldn’t adapt to the overnight hours and my work suffered as a result.  Two months of this I decided I would put in for a transfer to morning shift.  I was denied so I quit.  It also didn’t help that I was threatened by one of my coworkers with violence because of my mistakes.  A few years later I heard that the factory was shut down.  So many people lost their jobs, probably due to automation.  It made me kind of thankful I didn’t stick it out with that job.

About the same time I failed at the factory, I applied for disability pension.  It took two years to get approved for it, and that was even after I hired an attorney to fast track the process.  Here I was with a mental illness that clearly ruined my ability to work and I was getting to where I was running out of money.  Shortly after I gave up on the factory, I moved into low income housing because that was all I could afford.  I could have moved back with my parents but the mental health care in that rural of an area was quite primitive.  And I was too embarrassed to face the people of my hometown with a mental illness.  Ten years ago there was even less understanding about mental illness than there is now.  Small town gossip is vicious and unavoidable.  I didn’t like living in my parents’ town as a kid because I never fit in and my skills sets weren’t conducive to a farming dominated economy.  I may live in a town of about 40,000 people (which isn’t big compared to many places) but it has far more to offer than my parents’ town of less than 500 people.  I just didn’t want to go back home, admit defeat, and face the scorn of the people of my hometown.  To this day I still won’t go back for class reunions or alumni events.  Too many people just don’t want to accept that mental illness is real.

As a result of having to abandon my childhood hometown, I had to find other means of socializing.  That’s about the time I signed up for a Facebook account.  The majority of my contacts on Facebook are with people I met in college.  I don’t have that many friends from my old grade school and high school days.  I hear from really only one of my friends from my high school days on a regular basis anymore.  One of my best friends from junior high I haven’t talked to in over ten years.  Some of my classmates I haven’t seen since graduation.  But I did enjoy college much more than high school, even if it was a religious school and I was beginning to question the teachings and dogmas of the religion grew up with even back then.  The majority of my friends from college are still in the same denomination I grew up in, but they seem to be understanding on why I don’t attend church anymore.  I haven’t been a regular in church in almost ten years.  It just seems ineffective and pointless.  People have been praying for cures for illnesses and deliverance from  danger for centuries.  Sometimes they get what they want, sometimes they don’t with no rhyme or reason behind it.  I guarantee the early Christians being fed to lions in Roman coliseums were praying like mad, just like the Jews in Nazi occupied Europe, or the people killed in every other crisis.  I gave up on organized religion once I came to realize that if there is a God (and let’s be honest, no one knows for exactly sure), than God was hap hazard in spreading the blessings and curses around.  If my friends and family want to continue going to church and believing what they do, I refuse to stand in the way.  I just won’t partake.

Once I left religion and made up my mind I would never marry, I had to find other outlets for socializing.  I joined writers’ groups, I took part in mental illness support groups, I volunteered at a museum for a summer, I started writing seriously, I worked on a blog with an old high school friend of mine, I wrote the rough outline for what would be this blog, I wrote rough drafts for two novels, I wrote hundreds of poems and even got a few of them published, I self published my mental illness writings and poems and sold a few dozen copies of those through local bookstores, I made friends with fellow artists and writers, I made friends with a few smart and eccentric people even in Section 8 housing.

Sadly several of my old friends in my apartment complex died in the last couple years.  I left my job at the county courthouse once I found out I could live on my disability pension and could get serious about writing.  Several months after I left my job at the courthouse I started this blog.  As the months went on I started getting a bit of an audience.  I found out I have a talent for putting ideas and words into written form.  At first I did this blog only every two weeks.  I was getting a few readers that way.  After a year I decided to post once a week.  I started getting more readers and some feedback.  Found out I was fulfilling a niche in the writing market that many people don’t know exists.

Mental illness is a problem that isn’t going to be swept under the rug anymore.  With more people feeling stressed about possibly losing their jobs to automation and globalization, people my age bracket and younger realizing that in spite their best efforts they won’t have as nice of a house or the job security of their parents and grandparents, and people just being depressed and stressed about the changes and crisises going on that we hear all about because of mass communications, mental health issues are going to be affecting more people.  And I’m writing about life with mental health issues, not having traditional employment, and having to make meaning and purpose in my life inspite all that has happened in the last twenty years.  And I will continue to post these blogs.  I don’t care if I make a dime off my writing anymore.  Most writers don’t make anything off their writings anyway.  I just want these writings to stick around for a long time and maybe make a positive difference for those affliceted with mental illness and their loved ones.

 

Stability With Schizophrenia

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I’ve been on my current medications for about five months.  In that time I was able to avoid my traditional late summer breakdowns.  I’ve also gotten more physically active and more careful about what I eat.  In short I’ve entered a prolonged state of stability that I haven’t experienced in a few years.  It’s a good feeling.

I have been feeling much less easily irritated for the last couple months.  I’m back to a regular sleep pattern.  I am convinced that regular sleep only helps with mental illness.  I tend to be more irritable and have more hallucinations when I haven’t been sleeping well. I have been doing quite well the last several weeks.

I have taken three medications for my mental illness for the last five months.  One of the meds is an anti anxiety medication I take as needed.  It really works to alleviate anxiety but it does make me sleep a lot.  But it was one of those medications I had to take only as necessary.  I haven’t needed to take it for over three weeks.  I have been doing well in terms of dealing with anxiety.  I get out of my apartment more often and am able to run my errands.  I still don’t socialize as much as I had in the past.  Much of my socializing comes online anymore.  But many people’s social lives are based online these days.

In short things have gone quite well the last couple months.  I made it through the summer, I’m back exercising again, I’m eating healthier again, I’m getting better sleep, I’m managing my anxiety and depression better.  It’s going really good right now.  I hope to keep it going.

Change of Season, Change of Mood, Change With Age

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The weather is cooling off, especially over the last few days.  The nights are almost as long as the days now, some farmers are beginning the harvest, farmers’ markets are open all over the place, and I’m getting outside more.  I’ve had my windows open the last few days and I’ve pretty much stopped using my air conditioner.  Yes the change of seasons is upon us.

I for one am glad that summer is over.  Mentally I’m just not very stable during the summers.  And I never could figure out why.  I didn’t experience any true tragedies or trauma as a child.  I was bullied in school but I know kids who got it worse than I did.  I’m thinking many of my problems during the summers stem from dealing with the heat and humidity.  I never did like hot weather.  I like spring in the fact that there are still cool days but not weeks on end of hot weather.  And I like fall because of the cooling weather, the fall leaves, and I’ve always enjoyed fall activities more than summer.  I’m sure that being overweight doesn’t help in dealing with hot summers, let alone dealing with a mental illness.

Mentally I was more stable this summer than most previous summers.  Even though I couldn’t do much with a bad back I was still pretty stable for the most part.  Now that I’m healed from my back I am getting outside more.  I am also eating less too.  I can tell my stamina is coming back, more slowly than I would like but it’s still coming back.  I think that I have made it through the roughest part of the year already.  I hope that things keep getting better.

I have noticed a few changes with my mental illness over the last few years.  I can tell that things that used to bother me real bad don’t bother me as much.  If I had dealt with a problem a few years ago, I’d be angry for an hour or two.  Now I’m over such things in only a couple minutes.  I’ve become more accepting of the illness now.  I’ve accepted that I’ll never have a great career or a family of my own.  This used to bother me real bad as recently as five years ago.  Now I’ve just accepted it and planned accordingly.  Since I see that many of my friends are having problems at their jobs and marriages, I’m actually thankful in some regards that I never got to go that route.  I have the problems of a mental illness but I don’t have the problems of a stressful job and hectic married life.  I have a mental illness but I don’t have as much stress and pointless drama as my friends.  And I love it.  I don’t have much money or prestige but I do have peace of mind.  I wouldn’t trade that for anything.

End of Summer

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It’s Labor Day weekend in my country.  Many people are going to the beach or having their last party of the summer.  I decided to stay home this weekend.  I don’t like fighting crowds.  It has been a tough summer for me.  Summers are usually tough because of mental illness problems.  But this is the first summer I’ve had in several years that really wasn’t that hard in terms of mental illness.  This one was tough because I hurt my back and spent two months healing.

I’m finding it hard to believe that fall is practically here.  I do pretty well in fall.  I have most of my problems with mental illness in the summers.  There is definitely a seasonal aspect to my illness.  I’m looking forward to the cooler weather and the beauty of the fall leaves.  While I didn’t have the mental health problems this summer I’ve had in previous years, I didn’t get out to enjoy the summer much.  It was a letdown of a summer that stretched for longer than normal.  I’m not sad to see summer end.  I’m ready for cooler weather.  I’m even ready for snow again.  I’m glad that I was able to make it through this summer with fewer than usual problems.  Perhaps my problems with schizophrenia are starting to decrease with age.

Resolving Lingering Problems

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RZ33mHt

Found out I’m getting my new carpet in the apartment next week.  I have started rearranging and cleaning my apartment so the work can go faster.  I still have another day or two of work before the place is ready to go when the work crew gets here.  I imagine I’ll have to vacate my apartment for a day or two while work is being done.  But I have needed new carpet for years.  Hopefully this can get done quickly.

I am now completely adjusted to my new medications after being on the new plan for four months.  I definitely feel a positive change in my mental health.  I am slower to anger and less apt to fall into depression.  I have fewer hallucinations.  The only time I have hallucinations is when I’m under high stress.  I don’t just go out and wander nearly as much as I used to.  While I am doing better mentally I did gain a lot of weight after hurting my back.  Too little activity and too much comfort food.  Since my back finally healed up a month ago I have recommitted to eating healthier and getting more exercise.  I have given up sugared drinks and most unhealthy eating out.  When I do eat out, it’s usually sub sandwiches or wraps at a deli.  I’m still rebuilding my stamina after two months of inactivity.  It is a slow and frustrating process.  When I was rearranging my apartment I had to take more breaks than I am used to.  It’s going to take a long time to get back to where I was before my car accident I think.

Speaking of car accident, I got my settlement from the accident a few days ago.  I put most of it into savings as I pretty much already have most of what I want.  I did buy some used books from amazon.  They were some books I had my eyes on for awhile but was waiting until the settlement cleared.  These will be my fall reading.  I got lazy about reading when my back was hurting.  I’m only now starting to get back into the reading routine.  My car is still running well even though I still don’t drive as much.  I guess since I became more content with my life and what I already have, I haven’t felt the need to go a lot of places and spend a lot of money.  Buying books on amazon is the most frivolous purchase I have made in months.  I just no longer feel the need to own a lot of things. I’ve been a minimalist for probably two years.  It certainly makes it easier to clean my apartment and keep track of things.  I am glad to no longer have to deal with clutter and junk.  I refuse to be like those people on ‘Hoarders.’

This month of August has involved tying up loose ends and resolving long standing problems.  I’m scheduled to get my carpet and blinds replaced.  I got my settlement from the car accident.  My back is healed.  I’m back to exercising and eating healthier.  I made it through the hottest parts of summer with fewer mental health problems than previous years.  I’m adjusted to my new psych medications.  I’m back to contacting my friends and family more often.  I’m making a regular thing out of this blog.  I’m thankful for the messages I get from you readers.  I know I’m not always diligent about responding to everyone who writes to me.  But thank you everyone who has read this blog and thank you everyone for the words of encouragement.  Maybe I am making a positive difference with this blog.

 

Breaking Up Routines With Mental Illness

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Went to the family acreage for two days over the weekend.  Helped the family with some odd jobs but mainly relaxed.  I was needing a couple days out of my hometown and out of my apartment complex.  Two days of a change of scenery allowed me to realize just how much I missed this summer with back problems.  I’m only now getting some of my stamina back and adjusting to the warm weather.

This has been a tough summer physically.  I hurt my back and I couldn’t do much of anything for two months.  As a result I’ve gained 15 pounds since mid May.  This definitely isn’t what I planned for this summer.  While it was boring to have to spend all my time at home it wasn’t as tough mentally as I would have thought.  Besides the one day when I had a breakdown on two friends I really haven’t had any major flare ups of the mental illness this summer.  I think that the changes in medications I made in the spring have helped in that regard.  It helps that I am intentionally avoiding stressful situations and people.  I still don’t watch much news on tv or internet.  About all I watch on tv anymore is live sports.  During the Olympics I watched more tv in two weeks than I did the last four months combined. I wouldn’t have cable if it didn’t come with my apartment.  I just don’t watch much for regular tv anymore.  Almost everything I want to watch anymore is online.

I can tell that fall is almost here.  The weather isn’t as hot and the nights are getting longer.  The nights are getting cooler and school has started.  I feel like I squandered this summer since I couldn’t do much.  But I’ll just have to make it up this fall.