Tag Archives: mental illness

Schizophrenic Hallucinations

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As I am now well into the process of changing medications, I’m noticing changes in my behavior and habits.  Most of these are good problems to have but they do take adapting to none the less.  I have noticed I now feel lonely more often.  On my old medications I could gladly go days on end without interacting with anyone in a meaningful way.  I used to avoid contact with other people as much as possible.  In my paranoid and delusional states I used to think that most people were stupid, malicious, and not worth spending time with.  And the hallucinations, when my mind would talk to me without my permission (that’s what my auditory hallucinations are), would just go over all the times when I was let down by other people’s thoughtlessness and slights.  It was massive doses of confirmation bias by means of my schizophrenic mind.

When the hallucinations (or my mind working without my permission) gets into working like that, it takes a lot of work to break out of that.  Sometimes it will just burn itself out. Other times it can lead to completely unrelated trains of thought that have no connection in reality but are interconnected and related in my schizophrenic mind.  This can lead to extremely bizarre thought patterns and behaviors on my part.  When I was in college I used to believe that people were going through my trash or watching me at all times. Once I did see another student going through the dumpster, so that was all the confirmation I needed for a real long time. This lead me to throwing my trash in the Wal Mart dumpsters on the other side of town and doing all of my shopping in the overnight hours. The thought that it was a coincidence was never entertained by the hallucinations.

Confirmation bias can be really nasty for someone with schizophrenia, especially for those with unhealthy and crippling levels of paranoia.  I shopped in the overnight hours for years to avoid being watched.  I always listened to my music with headphones so no one could listen in my music.  I still really don’t feel comfortable talking about my tastes in music for fear people will be excessively critical of my tastes.

 

Changes

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It’s been one week since I started the medications change.  I’m noticing big differences already.  For one, I make it a point to leave my apartment multiple times a day whereas I may have left only once or twice a day if at all.  Not only am I getting out more, I actually want to get out more.  Driving doesn’t cause me as much agitation now, so it’s easier to get across town.  Been to the park most days this last week.

I am more motivated and less lazy too it seems.  Finally shaved my winter beard.  I looked more like a mad prophet than a mountaineer with my growth.  I never looked good with beards.  I rearranged my apartment.  I even find myself watching baseball every night, especially since the season started a few days ago.  I used to go weeks without watching regular tv as I thought it was mind numbing and soul killing.  I still think most tv is mind numbingly stupid but I no longer swear off it entirely.

The only real negative I have seen is that I do get hungry more frequently.  Used to be I could eat a large breakfast, a small afternoon snack, and a decent dinner and that is all I would need for the day.  Now I have eat smaller meals every five hours it seems.  I’ve also developed a bad craving for sugary food.  This may make my weight loss tougher but then I have always been a naturally very large person.  I was one of these heavy kids in high school and college who had a lot of muscle in addition to being a little fat, so I looked a lot better than my measurements would have indicated.  I have had female friends for years tell me I was handsome despite how big I am.  I never put much stock in it until I hit my thirties because, really, how many teenagers and twenty somethings are satisfied with their looks even on a good day?  I guess my sugar cravings have replaced my cravings for caffeine.  I have drank maybe three cups of coffee in the last week.  I used to drink that many before noon most days.  I don’t have problems with blood pressure or cholesterol, at least not enough to be on medications.  But maybe my decreased want of caffeine will lower my blood pressure and reduce my anxiety level.

It has been an eye opening first week of a medication change.  I normally don’t experience this many changes this soon when switching medications.  But I hope the positive changes keep coming and the negative ones can be compensated for.

Changing Medications

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Saw my psych doctor a few days ago.  We agreed that a change in medications is in order.  Neither one of us think the meds I was on for the last two years are as effective as they once were.  He had me do a DNA cheek swab to be tested to see what medications would be effective given my DNA. The results will be in probably by the time I see him again in two weeks.  The tests may not be perfect but they should give us a better idea of what will and won’t work.  But these tests weren’t even around when I was diagnosed fifteen years ago.  For most of my illness we were merely throwing darts in the dark hoping to hit on something that would work.  We were just guessing, especially in the first year. For now I am starting the process of switching back to one of my previous medications.  I was on that med for several years but wanted to switch because it was known to promote weight gain.  But it sure was effective.  It’s too bad I let the side effects sabotage my previous attempts at weight loss.  Looking back, I think I used the side effect as an excuse not to be serious about my health.

In spite my recent mental health problems I managed to lose over twelve pounds in the first month of tracking my eating and exercising.  I’m seeing now that keeping track of what I eat is the difference between losing weight and gaining weight.  I was simply unaware of how much I really ate when I wasn’t tracking.  I am one of these people who would sometime eat just out of boredom.  But that has changed.  For my diet I cook almost all of my meals and I severely limit carbs.  I don’t even keep bread in the apartment anymore, haven’t for almost six months.  The weight loss has been the bright spot of this last month.  And I haven’t been crazy about my exercising.  I usually just walk twenty minutes a day probably five or six days a week.  I intend to keep this up even while changing medications.

New Normal verses Old Normal

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When I was growing up as a precocious child in the rural corn belt of Nebraska, I was frequently asked “Why can’t you be normal”.  My classmates, the adults in my life, and even my own family asked me this frequently. I didn’t have the foresight or the courage then to ask “What defines normal” or even “Who defines normal”.

Looking back on it years later I know I never would have gotten any kind of direct answer simply because what qualifies as normal keeps changing.  In 1750 it was normal for two out of three children born in London, England to die before their fifth birthday.  Now in the developed world (and increasingly so in the developing nations) infant mortality is rare.  It is so rare now that if most of us were to look back five or six generations in our family tree, we would find that our most of our ancestors had more dead children than most of us have children or siblings.  That’s what breakthroughs in medical science can do.  As recently as my parent’s generation, most people were married in their early to mid twenties and had children within a few years.  Now it is quite common for people of my generation to not marry until their thirties or even not marry at all.  Back when my parents were in their twenties, if you weren’t married before thirty you were thought insane or gay.  Now the stigmas on both homosexuality and lifelong bachelorhood are in retreat.  Instances like these create new normals out of old normals that no longer worked.

There are things that go on now most people take for granted that may be looked out in horror by future generations.  Even though wars haven’t really been fought between developed nations since World War II, I can imagine a future where people will look back at their ancestors and wonder how we justified ourselves in fighting wars and proxy wars that went on for years.  Perhaps committing any kind of violence against other people will someday be viewed with the same horror we in 2016 view slavery, inquisitions, and wars of territory expansion.  I can hope, can’t I?  Perhaps in future years it will seem absurd for people to hate others based on their political views.  I can only hope so, otherwise I am forever condemned having to listen to people bicker back on forth about political beliefs on Facebook and Youtube when all I really want to do is chat with a few friends and watch a few videos.  I hope our obsession and splitting hairs over political beliefs will someday seem as absurd as Catholics and Protestants fighting during the Renaissance is to our 21st century sensibilities.  Besides it’s not like politicians ever invented any labor saving devices, cured any deadly diseases, did any serious scientific research, or thought up better and less cruel ways of living.  At most, they provided some funding and got out of the scientists and engineers ways.  Many of the most influential and beneficial people who made a difference in history never held a public office, won a battle, or sat on a throne.  Remember that the next time you take your political beliefs seriously.

Less dogmatic and hateful attitudes about political beliefs would be nice.  What would be even nicer is less stigma and discrimination against those with mental health issues.  Seems to me that having mental illness is one of those few things many people don’t feel bad at all about stigmatizing.  It is essentially stigma’s final frontier.  Every week it seems there are crime drama shows where the accused perpetrator is mentally ill or an introverted loner who doesn’t fit in.  It also seems too common someone with a mental illness committing a violent crime gets far more attention than homeless mentally ill people being beaten by cops or gangs of ‘concerned citizens.’  Funding for mental hospitals has been dramatically cut over the years, often leaving the most afflicted to either the street, prison, or dead.  It seems that prisons have become de facto mental health hospitals for a sizable portion of the mentally ill population.  I know that the stats are a few years old in the link.  But I have little reason to believe that the situation for mentally ill individuals in prisons has gotten much better in recent years.  The treatment of seriously mentally ill individuals, at least in my country, is barbaric and insane.  What did you think was going to happen when funding for mental hospitals was cut?  Did you think the problems of the mentally ill would magically vanish once the hospitals were no longer well funded?  Or did you think mentally ill people like myself are making our illnesses up and don’t need help?  There should be no wonder why I was so quick to self commit myself on two separate occasions.  There should be no wonder why I want to change my medications even after a few mini breakdowns.  I don’t want to wind up in prison or dead for the crime of having a psychotic breakdown in front of the wrong person.  You won’t prosecute the handfuls of crooked bankers who triggered the Great Recession but you will throw thousands of mentally ill people in jail because you don’t know what else to do with them?  Way to stay classy. This is certainly one old normal that is in dire need of a quick death and being replaced by a new normal of more understanding, compassion, and better treatments.  And yes, we can find the funding to do this transition if we care enough to do so.

Speaking of practices some currently on the fringes of normal society abhor, maybe even the age old practice of killing animals for food will seem barbaric to future generations.  If lab grown meat gains traction in future years it could.  Don’t be so quick to scoff.  In 1900, who would have thought Henry Ford and his insane motorized carriage would put the draft horse out of business within several years?  Or who would have thought in 1850 that John Rockefeller would find great and numerous uses for a scummy and sludgy nuisance called petroleum?  These two by themselves got rid of old normals and created a new normal.  The internet is a key example of a new normal.  If I was born even fifteen years earlier I would have never been doing this blog.  Who knows what new normals are on their way?  Stay tuned my friends.  Things are going to be getting more interesting than they already are.

Early Spring This Year

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It’s been warmer than usual late winters here for the last two weeks.  So I’ve been able to get back to walking outdoors most days.  Went to a park with a large lake where I walk in the summers three times a week a few times already.  Migratory bird season is in full swing.  I’ve seen lots of Canadian Geese and Cranes already.  So it is very possible that spring is starting earlier than usual this year.  No doubt we’ll have at least one more snow. But it won’t last long now.

Mentally I’ve been doing alright for the vast majority of the time.  Maybe it is the nicer weather cheering me up.  It does get old after awhile of being stuck indoors because of the cold and snow.  I’ve been sleeping better too.  I pulled only one all nighter last month.  I’m thinking the more consistent sleep is helping me manage my mental illness better.

Had the complex maintenance man come to my apartment this morning.  I had to have some things fixed and a few others replaced.  So I just left for a few hours and let him work.  In previous years I had been paranoid about letting others into my apartment when I wasn’t there.  I was concerned about what they would think about how I kept my place and if they were going through my personal stuff.  After being in the same place for ten years I’m not nearly as paranoid as I once was.  I’m actually not as paranoid overall as I once was.  I still have to deal with the fact I don’t handle stress well and I get easily irritated.  But even that should be getting better the older I get.

Psych Appointment and Mid Winter Thaw

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Had a psychiatric appointment this morning.  I’ve been having my ups and my downs this winter like I always do. The voices aren’t as bad most times now but they do come creeping back in at times.  It’s irritating to think that after fifteen years of working with this mental illness I still have problems with being agitated by the voices.  But even they aren’t as overwhelming as they once were.

The highs are better and the lows are not as bad as they once were.  Even my really bad times don’t last as long.  Used to be I’d have entire days that were awful.  Now it usually lasts only a couple hours at most.  Haven’t lost weight this winter but I haven’t gained any since winter really started.  My blood pressure is better.  I guess if I have to struggle losing weight then I have to relax and drop the blood pressure.

Since winter has started I’ve read at least three regular books and several audiobooks via youtube.  I’ve also gotten back into poetry writing.  It had been a couple years since I was serious about that.  I know I’ll never make money from poetry but it is a good writing exercise for days I don’t blog.  Haven’t been out and about as much this winter as previous winters because of the increased snow and ice.  Times like this winter sometimes make me miss having a job to get me out of the apartment a few hours a day.

We’ve had a few decent weather days lately.  It’s our first real mid winter thaw and we’re only four weeks from the start of spring.  It seems we traditionally had several days in a row above freezing, usually in late January.  Where I live we didn’t have that until this week, the third week of February.  I actually don’t get depressed by being inside all the time in the winter.  I use the time indoors to read and catch up on writing.  I may be lazy about exercise in the winter (more so than I would like), but days like today are a reminder that spring is only a few weeks away.  That alone is often enough to make me hopeful.

 

Thoughts on Invisible Illnesses

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An old college friend of mine posted this on his Facebook page.  Wish I knew where he found it so I could give proper credit.  So true….

 

Ignorant (lacking in knowledge) people can be so cruel!! I’m posting this because recently I have been mocked and laughed at for things beyond my control… I have two of these illnesses as do some of my friends…. Not one of my Facebook friends will copy and paste (but I am counting on a true family member or friend to do it). If you would be there for me no matter what then copy and paste this. I’m doing this to prove a friend wrong that someone is always listening. I care. Hard to explain to someone who has no clue. It’s a daily struggle being in pain or feeling sick on the inside while you look fine on the outside. Please put this as your status for at least 1 hour if you or someone you know has an invisible illness (IBS, Crohn’s, Schizophrenia, PTSD, Anxiety, Arthritis, Cancer, Heart Disease, Bipolar, Depression, Diabetes, Lupus, Fibromyalgia, MS, AS, ME, , Epilepsy, hereditary angioedema , AUTISM, Borderline personality disorder, M.D.,D.D.D., CFS, Histiocytosis, O.D.D, A.D.H.D, RSD, PBC,RLS ,COPD etc.) Never judge. I care! And am praying for all those that are fighting these invisible illnesses. This is for a few friends of mine and all who suffer in silence!I

A Sense of Calm During the Holidays

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It’s been a long time since I’ve had a sense of calm and normal.  But things are finally starting to settle and slow down.  I’m progressing enough in my chiropractic therapy I go in only twice a week.  My EoE is being treated and I’ve altered my diet to account for many possible food allergies.  So my stomach feels better and I’m not as easily irritable as I was earlier this fall.

After a couple hectic and stressful days last week, things started calming down yesterday.  I made no attempt to fight the mobs on Black Friday.  Instead I stayed home, watched football, listened to audiobooks on youtube, and drank a few cups of black tea.  Found that black tea is easier on my stomach and gives me just enough caffeine to keep sharp for those late night research sessions.  I’ll probably switch over entirely this winter.

My back isn’t hurting anymore.  Even the tail bone injury I had years ago in high school has cleared up.  I always thought it was one of those things I was doomed to live with.  Too bad I didn’t get it worked on shortly after it happened.  But chiropractic treatments were even less mainstream then now.

Now I have my car back and it looks as if the accident never happened.  I have also more or less begun my winter routines.  We’ve already had a couple light snows.  Found my car handles well on ice.  That was one of my concerns going into the first winter with a different car.  But this car is low enough miles it should last me at least ten to twelve years.

I’ve now come to the acceptance part of my grandmother’s death.  I was more easily irritated and depressed for probably three months, which I think was part of my grieving process.  But she was a positive influence on my life for years.  And I was talking to her right until she had a major stroke about ten days before she died.  She was mentally sharp at her birthday party in June but she wasn’t very mobile because of physical health problems.  It has to be tough being mentally sharp but feeling your body fall apart.  It was bad enough for myself knowing my ability to process stress and social situations because of my schizophrenia while my cognitive ability remained relatively changed.  Being in a car accident didn’t help with the irritability and short temperedness.

I’ve also come to the acceptance that, barring some miracle of future science and medicine, I’m not going to ever be able to handle any kind of job where I can use my natural intellect.  Coming to this acceptance has only happened recently and it was by far the toughest aspect of my life I had to accept.  I grew up believing that if one found their niche and developed that niche, then good things would happen.  Found out at a very early age I had some unusual intelligence.  I also learned I had almost no bodily coordination and hated athletics.  So I never had any dreams of playing pro football.  I wasn’t very good with my hands but was excellent with ideas and scientific concepts.  I decided I wanted to be a scientist even before I started kindergarten.  Unfortunately that dream didn’t come true.  After gutting through almost two years of biology and chemistry classes while fighting a mental illness, it became painfully obvious that I wouldn’t get to pursue the dream any more.

The worst part of coming to this acceptance was knowing that I did everything right in life and I still would never use my ability.  I didn’t drink, I didn’t do drugs, I didn’t have sex, let alone date much, etc.  I spent most of my weekends and evenings studying for my classes while many of my classmates were out partying and screwing around.  And I was well on my way of making something positive out of myself.  But it never happened because of schizophrenia.  It took pretty much everything from me.  And it even messes with your mind, unlike most physical diseases.  Well schizophrenia is the result of brain issues.  It was rough seeing everything I worked for gradually destroyed piece meal.  For a long time I tried to figure out what I did wrong.  Once I came to the conclusion I did nothing wrong, I blamed others for the illness happening.  Once I got past that and accepted it was what it was, I have settled in for the long haul.  Now I’m trying to keep even keel and make the best of a lousy situation.

 

Getting My Car Back, Going Back To The Hospital, and Looking For A Sense Of Routine

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It’s been a month since I went to the ER and the doctor found an ulcer forming in my stomach.  On Tuesday I go back to the hospital to get my stomach scoped again to see just exactly what is going on.  Between going to the chiropractor three times a week, going to my psych doctor once a month, my therapist every two weeks, it seems like I’m going to appointments every time I look up.  My routine for the last month has been go to appointments during the day and watch science and history programs on netflix and youtube for much of the night.

One change to my routine coming up is my car is fixed and ready to be claimed.  Had been driving a borrowed car for almost three weeks.  I actually got used to driving a different car.  Might be a bit of a change adapting back to my old car.  But it’ll be great getting back to some resemblance of routine.

I’m also getting into my late fall and winter diet and exercise routines.  I’m tracking everything I eat far more diligently.  I’m starting to exercise indoors.  The weather is still nice enough I only need a light jacket most days but it gets below freezing most nights.  Won’t be too long and we’ll be shoveling snow.  In Nebraska we usually get our first snow around Thanksgiving.  But we can also get several days of almost summer like warmth in mid to late November before winter finally takes over.  But with the warmest days behind us I have to exercise indoors most days until at least late March or early April.  I have struggled with my weight loss and health improvement routines this year.  Didn’t have nearly as much success in 2015 as I did in 2014.  But I’m not giving up on my health improvement routine.  I’m going to learn from this year’s mistakes and shortcomings and adapting.

Update: Dealing With External Crisis With A Mental Illness

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It’s been almost a week since my auto accident.  An update is in order.  I went to the hospital immediately after the accident because I told the EMTs I had some back pains.  I had x-rays taken and fortunately no breaks were found.  On Friday, the day after the accident, I received a copy of the accident report from the police.  With that report I went to the other driver’s insurance agency to get the paperwork started to see whether they would cover the costs of repairs.  The first estimate I had from an auto body shop said the cost of repairs might be more than my ten year old car was worth.  Early this week I was informed that the insurance company would cover the expenses.  But the repairs are going to take a minimum of three weeks once everything gets settled.  In the meantime I borrowed a car from my family rather than rent one.  I’m relieved the car will be fixed.  The car had one previous owner and only 38,000 miles so it was in as good of shape as a ten year old car could be.

For my health, I’m dealing with the changes and stresses pretty well.  While I’m not happy about what happened, events are in motion that will clean up these issues.  For my physical health I’m seeing a chiropractor to get a second opinion on my back.  Since I wasn’t at fault in this accident, the other driver’s insurance is covering the expenses.  Some chiropractors do accept Medicaid but only for some of their more basic services, from what I understand.  If the other driver did not have auto insurance I would be looking at more problems with this process but the other driver would be looking at far more serious problems.

In all of this I have been more diligent about watching and tracking what I eat.  I’ve had to be extra careful as I have been having more unexplainable pains slowing me down.  In spite of my auto accident I’ve managed to get my weight loss regiment back on track.  Overall I gained at least 25 pounds with my friend’s wedding and my grandmother’s funeral.  I’ve since lost close to 10 pounds since October 1st.  I didn’t give up on losing weight.  I just had a setback or two. I’m on track to recover from all the events of the last few months.  Hopefully this will be a quiet winter.