The remodel of my apartment started yesterday. We have the carpet torn out. Today we will probably do some painting. The work on the new floor will start tomorrow morning. I’ll have to stay in a hotel for a few days. Fortunately my family is in town to help with this project. I can stand a few days of upheaval for a solution that will probably last the next 15 years. I’m glad this has gotten started. I will be glad when it is accomplished.
I have spent most of my life alone. The last time I had a roommate was my senior year of college in 2004. Lived alone ever since. Some days it’s all right, being free to do whatever I want and whenever I want. Some days it is almost unbearable though. The worst days are when I make multiple attempts to reach out to people only to be ignored. Sometimes when I want to talk to someone, I’d rather it not be family. As much as I love my family, they can be narrow minded and judgmental about some things. Sometimes I feel like I can’t be my true self around them. I severely censor myself or keep my problems to myself because I’m in no mood for a lecture or being condemned. Irritates me that, even after twenty years of mental illness, I’m still blown off and told to “quit whining”, “be a man”, or “you’re so lucky.” I still hear all of these quite often. And people wonder why so many men never talk about their problems or make emotional connections to anyone. Having a mental illness makes this only worse.
People have often asked me when I’m getting married. I don’t usually have the stomach to tell them never. Most of the time I want to tell them to shove off. I never want to get married. For one, my mental illness would make me a lousy husband and father. Second, my mental illness makes it impossible for me to hold a job. And let’s face it, almost no one respects a stay at home dad. Third, I fear getting divorced and losing my family, my friends, my home, my prestige, just because I made the mistake of marrying the wrong person. Fourth, why should I? My entire life I heard this “I don’t need a man” or “You go girl” or “girl power”, etc. Which I really have no problem with except that too many people build others up by tearing others down. Why is it when I say I don’t need a woman living in my house I’m seen as weird and weak? Why do women get to expand their roles beyond the traditional nurturers and home managers but men are expected to just stay in the moldy old days? I don’t understand that. It makes no sense. What does the world really lose because I choose not to marry, have kids, or get myself an early grave trying to prove my worthiness for life at a job that ultimately means nothing? Why do I have to prove myself all the time? Why do I have to earn my humanity and manhood? I really want to know. And why, oh why, can’t we just leave people that don’t fit in alone and stop bugging them? Will civilization collapse if everyone isn’t doing the exact same thing all the time? No. So stop expecting everyone to fit into some subdivision.
Been doing alright the last few days. Staying close to home except to meet delivery people on ground floor of my complex. It gives me a reason to leave the house. I usually get a few deliveries per week, whether it’s groceries, items I order through Amazon, or the pizza guy.
I’m getting new flooring next week. My parents are visiting for the weekend too. I’m also getting my walls repainted and having some work done in my bathroom. I’m actually happy about getting a new toilet. Yes I am middle aged. I’m looking forward to having my place remodeled, but I am not really looking forward to having be out of my nest for a few days. But I can put up with it to have the problem solved for 15 years.
The weather is starting to warm up. The last few days it hasn’t been below freezing except at night. The snow we had over the winter is melted. The tree outside my window is starting to bud. And the migratory birds are coming back. I often hear geese flying overhead and my town is a big spot for cranes returning this time of year. When I still had a car, I’d drive around out on the county roads near the river and just look for cranes. They would just be sitting in the fields and be so thick you couldn’t see the grass.
Baseball season starts in a few weeks. My fantasy league draft is in a week and a half. I haven’t done very well the last couple years. My best finish was a second place finish in a league of twelve a couple years ago. Hopefully the Rockies can do better this year. Regardless, I am ready for some spring.
It has been a long winter for me even though I haven’t had breakdowns since before Christmas. I did a lot of reading over the last few months. I usually pass my days with reading, computer games, staying in contact with family and friends, and keeping up with my neighbors. I usually see my neighbors once or twice a day. They usually make dinner for me once a week. They make some excellent Mexican dishes.
I usually do most of my own cooking. I think it’s been two years since I ate at McDonalds. I just don’t really like fast food that much anymore. Makes my stomach unsettled. And I’m a pretty decent cook, at least for myself. I can make some pretty good bratwursts and barbecue chicken on my electric grill. I don’t do much baking as I don’t eat much bread or carbs anymore. I eat a lot of grilled meats, vegetables, and soups. Pretty simple tastes I suppose.
I don’t drink as much caffeine anymore. I usually have a cup of coffee with breakfast and that is often it. I sometimes get jittery and irritable on days I have too much coffee. Plus I am convinced it makes my muscles tight and makes me breathe harder. An uncle of mine rarely drank anything with caffeine because he said it “cuts your wind”, meaning it made him breathe hard.
Don’t use social media much except to keep in contact with close friends and family. I had to cut down my friends list and change some of the settings because it was getting too overwhelming to manage. It’s not that I am upset with people, it’s that I can still contact them if needed. The good thing about facebook is that it’s easy to drop in on old classmates. I do my best to avoid being part of arguments. I already have too much chaos running around my mind to intentionally add to it. Sadly, mental illness has put limits on my ability to socialize.
Now that I got the last rant out of my system, I’m feeling better overall. I actually feel almost energetic on top of feeling restless. Maybe it’s the sunshine and fresh air we’ve got the last few days. Even though I haven’t left my complex in a few days, I have had my windows open for much of the weekend. I think the fresh air is making me feel better and more energetic. Hopefully the last rant I wrote is enough to cure me of my irritability for awhile. I’m glad spring will be here soon. April, May, and June are my favorite times of year.
Been more discouraged than usual lately. I stay home almost all the time anymore. It’s too discouraging venturing out among people now. I’m scared of people in general anymore. I’m even scared to do anything on social media besides talk to a couple friends. Sometimes I’m even scared to write in this blog anymore. I’m tired of being condemned a snowflake or triggered just for the crime of having feelings and emotions. Triggered am I? Just try living with schizophrenia for 30 days, let alone 20 years, and you will see triggered. I find it odd that we don’t value emotion, reason, and logic in people but are trying to build machines with these abilities. We want our machines to be human and we want our humans to be machines. Why is this?
I have long since given up on using reason and logic in trying to figure out my fellow humans. I can’t make sense of people. I have never been able to. I don’t understand office politics. I never have. That’s why I failed in every job I ever had. I don’t understand why it makes some people feel important and powerful to degrade and bully others. I despise bullies. Have my entire life. Being a jerk to others, especially those not in position to fight back, has never impressed me. But it does lots of people for some reason. And from what I’ve seen, the grown ups are far worse than the kids. Yet, the adults feel like it’s their God given duty to treat young people like trash and the end of civilization. What gives? I swear for being an advanced species, we truly hate our offspring. And people wonder why I will never have kids. Even though I’m almost 40, I still remember being the scared stiff 11 year old getting bullied for being smart and unathletic. It seems to me most adults don’t remember what it was like to be kids. Either that or they don’t care if kids suffer. The kids are better than the adults now. I mean, why else would 70 year old politicians slander teenagers and college kids trying to make a world a better place? It seems that the higher up people get in places of power, the more we allow them to abuse us. Stockholm Syndrome, anyone?
And these kids that we gladly unload on, they are right in seeing how absurd most of what passes for acceptable behavior from our elders and leaders really is. While I am in favor of using physical discipline on children (at least as long as it doesn’t get excessive or is used every day), most adults I know could use a few whippings themselves. I swear we hold six year old children to higher standards than we do presidents, popes, CEOs, etc. Personally, I think this is absurd. But what do I know? I’m just an unemployable middle aged schizophrenic on the internet.
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Hi there, thank you for checking out my blog page where I write about Bipolar, adhd,bpd and ptsd which I struggle with daily. This blog is to both educate and give others hope. I also write about my drug addiction in hopes of giving other people encouragment and hope for a brighter, annd better future.Thank you. sincerly, Emily Thorn.
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