It’s been a rough last several days for me. I’ve been feeling quite depressed and hopeless for much of the last two weeks. I still don’t cook much as I’ve been eating mostly fast food for the last two weeks. That’s probably part of my problem right there; I just don’t have the motivation and energy to cook lately. I’ve been sleeping probably twelve hours a night for the last two weeks. Anymore I have to force myself to get out of bed and get out of the apartment.
Paranoia has been a problem too. I usually spend most of my days in my apartment doing internet searches or reading books because I’m scared of people anymore. I am afraid of them and my paranoid voices tell me that most people are stupid and not worth dealing with. The voices also tell me that people are violent animals who don’t know how to settle issues without violence. And then I go on Facebook and see violent news stories in my news feeds and people’s posts advocating violence against anyone who doesn’t agree with them. After months of a steady diet of negativity which I didn’t seek out, I’ve become despondent and hopeless. There are times anymore I don’t have any hope for the future of the human race or myself. Sometimes I can’t figure out how we as a species have made it this long. I hope I’m just paranoid and reading too much into news stories and people’s comments. I really hope it’s the paranoia that’s going full power and not the way people really are.
With not cooking for the last couple weeks, I really don’t have a healthy diet. No doubt I’ve gained a bunch of weight in the last few weeks. At this point I really don’t care if I ever do lose weight and get physically healthy. Losing weight isn’t going to cure schizophrenia. Losing weight isn’t going to get rid of my depression. I have no desire to work or date again. I’ve seen what messes both those arenas are and I want no more part of them. I really don’t care if I ever get healthy. I’m tired of fighting a losing battle. I’m tired of always having to watch my back. I’m tired of people being mean and angry all the time.
In an attempt to try to help myself recover from my current depression, I am going to attempt to avoid Facebook for the next several days. I’ll still have my blogs posted there as I’m on an automatic post to Facebook set up. It’s just depressing to see people snipe at each other and myself over the most trivial of matters. I’m depressed with how messed up most people’s priorities are. At least their posts indicate their priorities are out of wack. I guess I never completely learned that who people are online is not always who they are in real life. That’s another lesson I missed while in school that most people seem to have gotten. I’m just going to lay low and try to avoid social media until I’m feeling better.