Had an odd incident over the weekend. One of our tenants accidentally dropped his house keys down the crack in the elevator floor. The keys fell into the elevator shaft. And he cursed me out when I asked him what happened. This was an elderly tenant who doesn’t believe in things like mental illness or even disability insurance. I was taken aback at first by the viciousness of this tenant. But I stayed clam and didn’t respond to his verbal attack. I’m glad that I didn’t yell back at him. But I do wonder why he was mad at me for his gaffe.
Over the years, whether at work, school, or in public, the vast majority of the verbal abuse and threats I have received have been from people over fifty years old. I never could understand why elder people hate younger people. Yeah I’m getting older myself and having unexplainable aches and pains. But I refuse, flat out refuse, to take out my problems on young people or anybody else for that matter. I don’t understand people in general, but I especially don’t understand elderly people or people in places of authority. From what I have seen, it seems the older a person gets, the less empathy they have and the more impatient they become.
When I was working retail and fast food, the vast majority of the verbal abuse I got for not working fast enough came from elderly people. Sure I met some really cool elderly people who treated me well. But I just don’t understand why some people become mean and uncaring when they become older. I mean, older people are more apt to be serious about religion than younger people. Common sense would say those people would be more forgiving, loving, and charitable. Not always the case. I for one will not pull the same abuse on young people like what was pulled on me. I refuse to complain about how they dress. I refuse to complain about their music or movies or media. I’ve had my elders complain about me and my peers since I was in grade school. As if nine year olds are responsible for my country having such low test scores compared to most other developed countries. I just want to show more compassion and understanding to all people, younger and older alike, than what has been shown to me over the years. Humans must be the only species on the planet that actively seek to sabotage their offspring.
I just get tired of all the arguing and fighting all the time. I just want to live in peace with everyone as much as possible. I’m tired of always feeling like I have to look over my shoulder and be on guard at all times. Civilized people aren’t supposed look for arguments or fights. But that isn’t what I’ve seen for a long time.
I spent a couple days at my parents’ house in the middle of this week. It’s the first time in weeks I left my hometown. It was good to get to see my parents and a few extended family members. My cousin is back from the coast with her baby. I’m glad I got to see them. It was good to finally get some good face to face interaction with other people. I had almost forgotten what that was like.
I’m glad the election is over. But I am saddened and disappointed that some people just won’t let it go. We have people on the left protesting and we have some people on the right mocking the lefties for protesting. Never mind that many of these said righties were buying extra guns and stockpiling ammo and watching ‘Doomsday Preppers’ reruns after the last two elections. I saw some people mocking the fact (which is probably hearsay if anyone bothered to look it up) that some colleges are making mid term exams optional because of the election. FYI: many colleges made final exams optional some semesters in the 1960s because of Vietnam War protests. My father’s college was one of these said places. So this is nothing new if it’s even a thing. My God, you normals are acting insane about this election. I have a mental illness. What is your excuse?
Needless to say all of these tense emotions are making it more difficult for me to get back into socializing. I want to connect with other people so bad I want to cry over it. But most people are content to either moan or gloat over the election that it’s impossible to carry on any kind of conversation. I am very angry that this is what my fellow humans have come to. I can’t even relate to most people anymore. It’s lonely. And it looks like it’s going to be lonely for a long time. I don’t understand you normal people. And at this point I don’t want to anymore. Quit arguing and fighting and acting stupid already.
I have dealt with a mental illness since my late teens. But even after so many years with schizophrenia I still find there are things I fear greatly. I have had a severe fear of heights since this illness became full blown. I haven’t ridden in an airplane since my early twenties and I don’t foresee ever doing so again. I know that flying is statistically much safer than driving but it’s the heights that still cause that tingling feeling of fear to corkscrew down my spine. I can’t even climb ladders or get on roofs. I am sure my bosses were very unhappy with me that I didn’t work well on ladders. But a fear of heights has developed since I became mentally ill. I have tried to conquer my fears of heights by forcing myself to be in high places but this almost triggered a full fledged psychotic breakdown more than once.
In addition to heights, I have a severe fear of confrontations and arguments. I have gotten to where I hate logging onto social media because of the stupid and immature arguments and things even my family and friends get into. With this being an election year people in my family and friends circles are especially on edge and combative. I have unfollowed dozens of people because I don’t want to hear the arguments anymore. I have unfollowed people I even agree with. I especially hate when I post something on a friend’s page and someone has to post some negative and angry comment on my thread. I have experienced enough to know that most people are not mean and malicious by nature. But even some of the most mild mannered people I ever knew can turn vicious online. Have you forgotten you are talking to a real person on the other end? And I know you wouldn’t be that mean if you were having a conversation in person. Some of things I have read on many people’s sites would get them arrested or ostracized if they said those things in public. I would love to see the day that we have the same civility online that we have with the people in real life. I would also love to be cured of schizophrenia and not have to deal with these fears anymore. A man can dream, can’t he? I’m just thankful that this maliciousness doesn’t spill over into everyday life very often. We just hear about the few times it does, thanks to always being connected.
I have always had a fear of driving, especially in large cities and express ways. I literally haven’t driven on the Interstate in almost ten years. Too fast traffic, too much going on, and too many people not paying attention. I was almost in another car accident yesterday when a driver ran a red light when I was driving through an intersection. This isn’t the only close call I’ve had lately. I am getting to where I’m scared just to drive to the neighborhood gas station. Some days, between the fears of driving and fears of my argumentative neighbors, I just don’t want to leave my apartment. Being out among angry and sullen people just isn’t my idea of a good time. It’s like some of these people want to argue and even fight. I have grown tired of it. I am weary. I am ready for winter again when I am not expected to be out of my apartment. Besides I do better mentally in winters than summers anyway. I just don’t want to deal with these fears.