Category Archives: Mental Illness

Summer 2025 and Mental Illness

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I’ve been spending more time alone than usual this summer. My mom is done with physical therapy on her knee surgery. She’s getting around as good as ever after a couple months of regular therapy. I’m happy my mom is more mobile. But I am concerned about my desire to be more isolated than usual.

Summers are usually a tough time for me, tougher than normal. Haven’t had any major meltdowns this summer, but have had a couple sessions where I was alright after several minutes of ranting and raving. I see my psychiatrist this week. I plan on telling her I isolate more than normal and it concerns me. While I have never been Mr. Social Hour, it is concerning when I had days I flat out said I don’t care if I ever make any new friends or acquaintances. 45 years old is too young to give up on new people, schizophrenia or not.

Even though I make less than 1000 dollars a month, I still manage to have a decent time on such low wages. I pay rent every month, buy some groceries (I usually buy the non perishable food while mom and dad by vegetables, fresh meat, etc.), and manage to put a little into savings every month.

Splurging for me involves zero alcohol beer, chicken wings (I’m a sucker for garlic parmesan and medium hot wings from Pizza Hut), and Husker football games. The new season starts in a few weeks. Nebraska is expected to have a pretty decent team as most of our starters from last year’s team are coming back. I hope they are right.

I’ve also been losing fat all summer. My arms no longer jiggle, most of the fat around my lower stomach is gone. I’ve lost all the fat around my thighs. My calf muscles are huge even though I don’t walk much. I am able to walk from my recliner to my bed or my wheelchair. But I really don’t have much of a desire to leave my room.

I still socialize even though I don’t have much desire to leave my room. I have college friends I talk to a couple times a month. I talk to my brother usually once a week. I see my parents a few times a day.

I still get most of my sleep during the day. It’s been really hot here in Oklahoma lately. Typical August. Should start cooling off in a month or so. First football game is last weekend in August. First games are notorious for high temperatures.

I dream more these days. And I remember them better too. Most dreams involve me being back in childhood home town or in college. I sometimes dream about being back in Kearney and unable to find my apartment. I sometimes dream about floods and even modern ice ages. When I fall asleep during podcasts, which I do a couple times per week, I can hear the dialog in my dreams. I sometimes dream about being able to walk long distances again and even navigate stairs.

My pains have also changed. Some days I have no pain in my knees at all. Other days I hurt enough to know getting up would not be a good idea. I have more good days than I did even six months ago.

I think one of the reasons I spend so much time alone is because I want to be alone most of the time. Living in the suburbs, there are always people nearby. But in the small towns I used to live in, I couldn’t go anywhere without my neighbors knowing or commenting. It got real annoying. One thing I love about suburban living is the opportunity to be unseen and unnoticed when I want to be alone. I love the variety in restaurants too. I’m thankful my parents like trying new restaurants and bringing me some food when they get home.

I spend so much time alone because I can get most of my socializing done online or on the phone. Most of my groceries can be delivered via Kroger, Wal Mart, or even Door Dash. I can get almost everything from Amazon within two days as Oklahoma City has at least one huge Amazon facility.

Now that I have a home health care nurse who sees me once a week and a doctor come in every four to six weeks, I don’t even have to leave home for health care really. Haven’t been to a hospital in almost a year. I actually prefer doctors and nurses who make house calls. House calls were normal for generations. I’m glad they are an option again.

I haven’t driven a car in six years. I don’t miss it. I can get everything delivered. If I need a ride, I can hire an Uber or Lyft. My parents still have a car. My brother has a Tesla with self driving capabilities. I don’t need a car anymore, not even in the suburbs. I always thought the idea that everyone needed a car was ridiculous. I’m glad I now live in a time and place where I don’t need a car. Heck, the only time I really need to leave home is for medical emergency. I guess if I have to be chronic mentally ill and have bad mobility, most times and places are worse than 2025 Oklahoma City.

One of the things I am saving up for is a home humanoid robot. Sure it is several years off, but I am saving up for home humanoid help robot to help around the house, especially if my mobility never comes back. I don’t think most people realize how big robotics are going to be. Wouldn’t surprise me if robotics are bigger than even automotive in 10 years. I’m still amazed at how fast people adopted smart phones and Chatbots.

Thriving on the Edge of Change: How SSDI Recipients Can Prepare for the AI Revolution and Capitalize on Emerging Opportunities by 2030

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Introduction

The world stands on the brink of an artificial intelligence (AI) revolution that promises to redefine industries, reshape economies, and transform the way humans live and work. While this change can be intimidating, it also brings unprecedented opportunities. For individuals on Social Security Disability Insurance (SSDI), the future may feel uncertain—but with thoughtful planning, skill development, and strategic choices, it’s possible not only to weather the transition but to thrive in it.

This essay offers a roadmap for SSDI recipients to prepare for the ongoing technological transformation, understand how to earn supplemental income legally under SSA guidelines, and explore investment strategies that align with their circumstances and goals—all within the time horizon of 2025 to 2030.

Part I: Understanding the AI Revolution and Why It Matters

What Is the AI Revolution?

Artificial intelligence refers to computer systems capable of performing tasks that normally require human intelligence—such as learning, problem-solving, visual recognition, and language understanding. Over the next decade, AI is expected to be embedded in:

  • Healthcare
  • Finance
  • Retail
  • Transportation
  • Education
  • Customer service
  • Creative industries

For people with disabilities, this revolution can be both empowering and disruptive.

Risks and Benefits for SSDI Recipients

Risks:

  • Automation may eliminate some of the few jobs currently accessible to people with limited mobility or stamina.
  • Cost of living may increase due to AI-driven inflation in some sectors.
  • Technological change may outpace traditional disability support systems.

Benefits:

  • AI tools can increase independence (e.g., AI assistants, voice control, predictive text).
  • Remote and freelance work will become more available and flexible.
  • Investing in AI-related industries could grow personal wealth, even on a fixed income.

Part II: Legal Considerations for SSDI Recipients

Before engaging in work or investing, SSDI recipients must understand the rules of the program to avoid jeopardizing their benefits.

Earning Income on SSDI

You can work while receiving SSDI, but your income must not exceed certain thresholds. As of 2025:

  • Trial Work Period (TWP): You can earn any amount for 9 months without affecting your benefits.
  • Substantial Gainful Activity (SGA): After TWP, earning more than $1,550/month (non-blind) may affect eligibility.
  • Ticket to Work Program: Offers support for training, job referrals, and work incentives.

Investing on SSDI

Unlike Supplemental Security Income (SSI), SSDI is not means-tested, which means you can own stocks, cryptocurrencies, and other assets without it affecting your benefits—as long as you’re not working above the income threshold.

Part III: Gaining Future-Proof Skills from Home

Many SSDI recipients face physical, cognitive, or mental health barriers that make traditional employment difficult. The good news is that many AI-related jobs and income streams are remote and flexible.

Accessible, Low-Cost Learning Platforms

  1. Coursera, Udemy, edX, Khan Academy: Offer free and low-cost courses in AI, digital marketing, finance, and more.
  2. LinkedIn Learning: Particularly strong for resume-ready certifications.
  3. Google and Microsoft Learning Paths: Free beginner courses in cloud computing, AI, and productivity tools.

Skills to Learn by 2030

  • Digital Literacy: Basic computer, internet, and app usage.
  • Data Annotation & AI Training Jobs: Many companies hire remote workers to label data.
  • Prompt Engineering: Writing prompts for AI systems (like ChatGPT) is becoming a valued skill.
  • Freelance Writing & Editing: Especially for blog content, marketing, or technical writing.
  • Graphic Design with AI Tools: Using Canva, Midjourney, or DALL-E.
  • Low-Code Development: Creating simple apps or automations without coding.

Part IV: Remote Money-Making Opportunities in the Age of AI

Here are legitimate, flexible income ideas compatible with SSDI rules:

1. AI-Powered Freelancing

Platforms like Fiverr, Upwork, and PeoplePerHour let you sell services such as:

  • Content writing (with AI assistance)
  • Transcription and captioning
  • Virtual assistance
  • SEO optimization
  • Voiceovers or video narration

You can use AI to enhance your output without violating terms of service—as long as you’re upfront with clients.

2. Online Reselling & Drop Shipping

AI can help identify trends in product demand. Tools like JungleScout (for Amazon) or Zik Analytics (for eBay) assist with product research. You can run a part-time eBay or Etsy store from home.

3. Print-on-Demand

Designing AI-generated T-shirts, mugs, or wall art using sites like:

  • Redbubble
  • TeeSpring
  • Printify (integrates with Etsy)

AI art tools like DALL·E 3, Midjourney, and Canva’s Magic Design make this easier.

4. AI Tutoring and Prompt Testing

Companies pay people to test AI tools or write prompts that train language models. Look for opportunities with:

  • Scale AI
  • Remotasks
  • Appen
  • Hive Micro

5. Digital Content Creation

Even without a huge following, AI can help you:

  • Create a YouTube channel using stock footage and AI voiceovers.
  • Write eBooks with the help of AI and sell on Amazon KDP.
  • Start a niche blog and monetize with ads or affiliate links (AI tools like SurferSEO help optimize content).

Part V: Investing Wisely with Limited Resources

Even on a fixed SSDI income, it’s possible to grow wealth over time by starting small and staying consistent.

1. AI-Related ETFs (Exchange Traded Funds)

These funds invest in a basket of AI-related companies and tech innovators:

  • Global X Robotics & Artificial Intelligence ETF (BOTZ)
  • ARK Autonomous Technology & Robotics ETF (ARKQ)
  • iShares Robotics and Artificial Intelligence ETF (IRBO)

Benefits:

  • Low barrier to entry (buy fractional shares)
  • Diversification (less risk than individual stocks)

2. Fractional Shares via Apps

Platforms like Robinhood, Public, Fidelity, or Charles Schwab allow you to buy slices of expensive stocks (like NVIDIA, Microsoft, or Alphabet) for as little as $5.

3. Dollar-Cost Averaging (DCA)

Invest a small, fixed amount (e.g., $20/month) into ETFs or stocks, regardless of market conditions. This strategy builds wealth while reducing the impact of volatility.

4. Consider “Sin Stocks” or Alternative Investments

Some SSDI recipients with niche interests may invest in:

  • Cannabis stocks (legalized in more states)
  • eSports and Gaming ETFs
  • Green Energy ETFs

Caution: These are riskier, so invest only small amounts you can afford to lose.

Part VI: Leveraging Government and Nonprofit Resources

You don’t have to do everything alone. Many free or subsidized services can help you on this journey.

1. Vocational Rehabilitation (VR) Services

Each state has a VR agency to help people with disabilities:

  • Develop career goals
  • Receive job coaching
  • Pay for online classes or equipment

2. PASS Plan (Plan to Achieve Self-Support)

The SSA PASS program lets you set aside money for work-related goals without it counting against your benefits. You can save for a laptop, online courses, or even a home office.

3. Community Tech Hubs and Libraries

Local nonprofits and public libraries often offer:

  • Free internet
  • Access to premium courses
  • Business workshops and AI info sessions

Part VII: Protecting Your Mental and Financial Health

The AI revolution, while exciting, can be overwhelming. SSDI recipients are more vulnerable to scams, misinformation, and emotional burnout. Here’s how to stay grounded:

Avoiding Scams

  • Never pay upfront to “work from home.”
  • Be skeptical of “get-rich-quick” schemes on YouTube or TikTok.
  • Research companies on the Better Business Bureau or Glassdoor.

Maintaining Wellbeing

  • Join online disability groups focused on freelancing, tech, or investing.
  • Use mental health apps like Calm, Headspace, or Woebot.
  • Schedule breaks to avoid AI fatigue and screen overload.

Conclusion: From Fixed Income to Future Growth

Living on SSDI doesn’t mean you’re shut out of the AI future. In fact, the flexibility and accessibility of AI-powered tools can level the playing field for many people with disabilities. The key is to:

  1. Understand your limits and rights.
  2. Start learning and experimenting from home.
  3. Build micro-income streams that align with your lifestyle.
  4. Invest cautiously and consistently, even if it’s just $10 a month.
  5. Stay informed, stay supported, and stay curious.

By 2030, it’s entirely possible for someone on SSDI today to become an AI-savvy freelancer, a micro-investor, or even a content creator with passive income. With the right mindset and tools, you can thrive in the age of intelligent machines—even on a modest income.

The Future Impacts of Humanoid Robots in Assisting Disabled and Elderly People (2025–2035)

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Introduction

Advances in robotics and artificial intelligence (AI) are ushering in a new era where machines are increasingly capable of performing complex tasks traditionally done by humans. Among the most promising developments are humanoid robots—robots designed to resemble the human form and interact naturally with people. From assisting with mobility to offering emotional companionship, humanoid robots have the potential to revolutionize care for disabled individuals and the elderly. As societies across the globe grapple with aging populations and shortages in care workers, these technologies are not just futuristic novelties but urgent necessities.

Between 2025 and 2035, we can expect dramatic changes in how humanoid robots support these vulnerable populations. This essay explores the anticipated impacts, both positive and challenging, across four key areas: healthcare assistance, mobility and daily living support, social and emotional companionship, and ethical and societal considerations.

1. Humanoid Robots in Healthcare Assistance

1.1 Medication Management and Monitoring

One of the most immediate and vital roles humanoid robots will assume is in medication administration and health monitoring. Elderly individuals, especially those with cognitive impairments such as dementia or Alzheimer’s, often struggle to adhere to complex medication schedules. By 2025, early prototypes like Toyota’s Humanoid Partner Robot and SoftBank’s Pepper have already demonstrated the ability to remind users to take medicine. Over the next decade, these robots will be integrated with real-time biometric sensors, electronic health records, and AI-driven diagnostic tools to monitor patients’ health with increasing precision.

For example, a humanoid robot might remind a patient to take insulin, check blood glucose levels using a non-invasive device, and send data directly to a healthcare provider. These robots will not only reduce hospital readmissions but also extend independent living for millions.

1.2 Rehabilitation and Physical Therapy

Humanoid robots will also play an increasing role in physical rehabilitation. Machines like ReWalk Robotics’ exoskeletons already assist spinal injury patients with walking. However, humanoid robots in the coming decade will offer personalized physiotherapy sessions, adjusting exercises in real time based on muscle activity, range of motion, and fatigue levels. These robots will be especially useful in rural or underserved areas where access to therapists is limited.

2. Enhancing Mobility and Supporting Daily Living

2.1 Assistance with Daily Tasks

As humanoid robots become more dexterous and perceptive, they will assist users with daily living activities such as dressing, cooking, toileting, and grooming. Companies like Honda and Samsung are developing robots capable of folding laundry, preparing simple meals, and cleaning homes. By 2030, such robots could become commonplace in private residences and assisted living facilities.

This support will be transformative for disabled individuals, especially those with limited use of their limbs or neurological disorders. Rather than depending on full-time human caregivers, users can issue voice commands or use gesture-based systems to receive help on demand.

2.2 Fall Detection and Emergency Response

Falls are a major risk for elderly individuals, often leading to serious injuries and long-term hospitalization. Modern wearables already detect falls, but humanoid robots offer a proactive layer of safety. Using advanced computer vision and real-time motion analysis, robots can recognize early signs of instability or fatigue and intervene before a fall occurs—perhaps by offering physical support or suggesting rest.

In cases of emergency, these robots can immediately notify emergency services, unlock doors for paramedics, and provide critical information, such as medication history and allergies, improving response time and survival outcomes.

3. Addressing Loneliness and Providing Companionship

3.1 Social Interaction and Mental Health

One of the most profound contributions of humanoid robots will be in combating loneliness and social isolation, particularly for the elderly. Studies show that social isolation has significant negative impacts on mental and physical health, increasing the risk of heart disease, depression, and cognitive decline. With families more dispersed and caregiver shortages growing, humanoid robots will provide consistent, empathetic companionship.

Equipped with natural language processing, facial recognition, and emotional AI, these robots will be able to engage in conversations, recognize moods, and adapt their behavior accordingly. Some robots may even be programmed to play games, read aloud, or help maintain social schedules. This consistent interaction can act as a buffer against depression and memory loss.

3.2 Cultural and Language Sensitivity

One exciting frontier in humanoid robotics is cultural adaptability. Robots will be designed to recognize and respond appropriately to cultural norms, languages, and customs. For instance, a Japanese-speaking elderly woman in Tokyo might be assisted by a robot that bows appropriately, speaks Japanese with regional dialect, and understands nuances of etiquette. Meanwhile, a Spanish-speaking man in Los Angeles might receive companionship from a robot with a warm, familiar tone and gestures.

This level of personalization will make robotic companionship more acceptable and emotionally rewarding to diverse populations across the globe.

4. Economic, Ethical, and Societal Impacts

4.1 Economic Accessibility and Health Equity

A key challenge for the widespread adoption of humanoid robots is cost. As of 2025, advanced humanoid robots can cost anywhere from $20,000 to $150,000. However, by 2035, economies of scale, open-source development platforms, and government incentives may reduce these costs substantially. If public health systems recognize the long-term cost savings from reduced hospital stays and delayed institutionalization, humanoid robots may even be subsidized or covered by insurance.

This will be particularly important for low-income and disabled individuals, ensuring equitable access to life-enhancing technology rather than perpetuating a divide where only the wealthy benefit.

4.2 Job Displacement and Human Labor

The rise of humanoid robots inevitably raises concerns about job displacement, particularly among low-wage care workers. However, the most likely scenario is not widespread unemployment but rather role evolution. Care workers may shift toward supervisory, technical support, and interpersonal roles that require human nuance. The demand for “robot-assisted care specialists” could grow, creating new vocational training opportunities.

Moreover, with aging populations growing faster than the workforce in many countries, robots will fill labor shortages rather than replace excess labor, especially in countries like Japan, South Korea, and parts of Europe.

4.3 Privacy, Consent, and Emotional Ethics

The deployment of humanoid robots also comes with serious ethical considerations. For instance, how should robots collect, store, and share sensitive health data? How do we ensure informed consent among users with cognitive impairments? What happens when elderly individuals form strong emotional bonds with machines that simulate empathy but don’t actually possess it?

Between 2025 and 2035, governments and ethics boards will need to create new regulatory frameworks addressing data protection, robotic autonomy, and emotional manipulation. Developers will need to balance realism with transparency—robots should be emotionally supportive without deceiving users into thinking they are conscious beings.

Case Studies and Global Trends

Japan: A Leader in Robotic Care

Japan, facing one of the world’s most rapidly aging populations, has aggressively promoted robotic care technologies. Companies like Mira Robotics, Toyota, and Cyberdyne are developing robots tailored to Japanese homes and cultural norms. The government provides grants for elderly care facilities to integrate robots, and by 2030, humanoid robots may outnumber human caregivers in some settings.

Europe: Integration into Public Health

The European Union is funding several initiatives to explore humanoid robotics for social care. For instance, the GrowMeUp and Mobiserv projects aim to design robots that adapt to users’ emotional and cognitive needs. Northern European countries, with strong social welfare systems, may lead in integrating robots into publicly funded eldercare by 2035.

United States: Market-Driven Innovation

In the U.S., innovation is largely market-driven, with companies like Boston Dynamics, Agility Robotics, and Embodied, Inc. pushing the boundaries. Adoption will likely begin in high-end retirement communities and tech-savvy households. However, by 2030, partnerships between Medicare, the Department of Veterans Affairs, and private insurers could bring humanoid robotics to a broader population, especially disabled veterans and rural seniors.

Future Outlook: 2025–2035

By 2035, we can expect humanoid robots to be a common feature in the lives of many disabled and elderly people, especially in technologically advanced nations. Some major predictions include:

  • Over 50% of assisted living facilities in high-income countries will employ humanoid robots.
  • Home-based care robots will become a standard part of eldercare packages for middle-class families.
  • AI-driven robots will provide multilingual emotional companionship with hyper-personalized interfaces.
  • Robotics training will be integrated into nursing and gerontology curricula, reflecting a hybrid model of care.
  • Legal frameworks will emerge to define robot-user relationships, data rights, and emotional boundaries.

Still, there will be a strong emphasis on human-robot collaboration rather than full automation. Robots will serve as extensions of human caregivers, augmenting rather than replacing the social and emotional richness of human interaction.

Conclusion

The decade from 2025 to 2035 will mark a turning point in how societies care for their most vulnerable citizens. Humanoid robots, once the stuff of science fiction, are poised to transform the daily lives of disabled and elderly people, offering unprecedented support in health management, mobility, emotional well-being, and independence.

Yet, with these opportunities come profound questions about ethics, equity, and the nature of human relationships. As we move forward, we must ensure that the adoption of humanoid robots is guided by compassion, inclusivity, and dignity. Only then can technology truly serve its highest purpose: to enhance the human experience.

Title: Stars and Stripes and Stale Beer

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Part One: Orbiting Broke

Dr. Levi Chandler was an American astronomer, a tenured lecturer at King’s College London with a doctorate from Caltech and a bank account that wheezed like a rusted boiler. Despite the prestige of his field and the lectures he gave on galactic formation and dark matter, his daily life bore more resemblance to a rejected sitcom pilot than the life of a respected academic.

He lived in a two-bedroom flat in Hackney with two football hooligans named Darren and Lee. The rent, a modest sum by London standards, was split three ways—but not equally, since Darren was perpetually between jobs and Lee’s primary income came from reselling bootleg matchday scarves on eBay. Levi paid more than his fair share because, as they put it, he had “a posh American salary and a PhD in moon stuff.” Never mind that the exchange rate had gutted his pay and that London rent made L.A. look like a student dormitory.

The flat was a mess: mismatched furniture, beer cans stacked in pyramids on the coffee table, and the lingering scent of curry and unwashed socks. Levi’s room was the only oasis—lined with astronomy posters, bookshelves packed with titles like Gravitational Waves and Cosmic Microwave Background, and a telescope angled awkwardly out the window, mostly collecting pollution data.

Part Two: Football, Brexit, and Broken Pint Glasses

Darren and Lee were twins, 33 years old, with a shared history of broken noses and suspended season tickets. Their religion was football, specifically Arsenal for Darren and West Ham for Lee, a sacrilegious pairing that regularly led to screaming matches and the occasional overturned sofa.

“Mate,” Darren said one night, feet propped on the table, beer in hand, “you gonna come with us to the Arsenal opener? It’s City, innit. Bloody hell, I can’t wait.”

Lee scoffed. “City’s gonna wreck you lot. West Ham’s got more grit this year. Moyes said the new lad from France’s a beast.”

Levi, poring over a stack of student assignments riddled with misused terms like “asteroid storm” and “Martian gravitational lens,” looked up. “Which one of you smashed the mug with the Hubble Space Telescope on it?”

“Wasn’t me,” Darren muttered.

“Probably the cat,” Lee said, despite the flat not having a cat.

London, post-Brexit, was a city of tension. Prices were up, wages flat. Students came in confused droves, unsure whether their tuition covered lectures or just the right to stand in a cold seminar room with a bored American talking about galaxies. Levi spent most of his paycheck on rent, data for his nephew’s gaming rig back in Tulsa, and the occasional overpriced pint at a Camden dive bar.

Part Three: Stars Above and Raves Below

When he wasn’t lecturing or grading, Levi retreated to London’s underground music scene. Techno in abandoned warehouses, punk bands in Shoreditch pubs that still smelled of coal smoke and spilled cider. It was escapism—sound you could lose yourself in. Londoners were angry these days: angry at politics, at landlords, at everything. The music reflected that—a cathartic, pulsing rebellion.

At a rave under Waterloo Bridge one night, Levi met a red-haired DJ named Mika who told him, “Astronomy’s cool, but nobody gives a f*** unless you can dance to it.” She played a mix she titled Black Hole Bass Drop and dedicated it to him.

He nodded along, half amused, half lost in thought. Stars exploding millions of light-years away, unnoticed by everyone moshing under concrete bridges to industrial synth.

Part Four: Family Ties

Every Sunday evening, Levi Skyped with his 14-year-old nephew, Ethan. They talked space stuff, mostly—black holes, Europa’s ice crust, the James Webb telescope.

“You think aliens exist?” Ethan asked once, eyes wide with hope.

“I think the odds are high. But space is big. Like, really big,” Levi said, quoting Douglas Adams with a smile.

Ethan was the only family Levi stayed in touch with. His sister had passed when Ethan was just five, and since then, Levi had done his best to be present, even from a continent away. He sent books, gadgets, and football shirts. Ethan had adopted Arsenal because “Uncle Levi’s crazy roommates yelled about them all the time.”

Part Five: World Cup Dreams and Dirtbag Planning

Over pints at the local, Darren and Lee were planning their pilgrimage to the 2026 World Cup in the U.S.

“Mate,” Lee said, slapping a dog-eared travel guide on the table, “we hit L.A., Vegas, then Dallas. Stadiums are huge there. American beer’s piss, but we’ll manage.”

Darren pointed at Levi. “You’re our bloody ticket in, yeah? Family discount. You’ve got that Yank passport. Let’s do this properly.”

Levi rolled his eyes. “I’m not your visa agent.”

“You’re our mate,” Darren said dramatically, arms outstretched. “We’ve let you live among real men, yeah? The least you can do is take us to a few matches.”

Truth be told, Levi wanted to go. Not just for the football—though the U.S. team wasn’t half-bad these days—but to bring Ethan. Let him see something massive, global, and alive. Maybe even meet Darren and Lee, who, despite being total messes, had hearts the size of Neptune.

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“Black Velvet and Soccer Cleats”

Back in 1999, if you had told Kayla Hughes that one day she’d be the proud owner of a white Tesla Model Y with soccer balls rolling around in the back and three teenage boys arguing over Spotify playlists, she’d have thrown her clove cigarette at your head.

It was fall semester at the University of Oklahoma, and Kayla—then Kayla Montgomery—was the kind of girl who turned heads in every hallway for all the wrong reasons. Corsets over black fishnet shirts, platform boots with worn laces, spiderweb chokers, and makeup so dark she looked like she’d stepped off a Bauhaus album cover. Her hair was dyed raven black with streaks of crimson, and her nails were filed to short points, painted matte obsidian. The other girls on her dorm floor wore Abercrombie. She wore thrifted lace and old Ministry shirts she’d carefully cut into tank tops.

Every Thursday through Sunday, she and her friends piled into someone’s beat-up Civic and drove to underground clubs in Norman or sometimes up to Oklahoma City, where there was a slightly bigger scene. They weren’t just into goth; they were connoisseurs of the industrial realm—Nine Inch Nails, Skinny Puppy, Front 242, and of course, Marilyn Manson, whose post-Columbine controversies only made his music feel more vital and taboo.

Kayla had been there when Manson’s “Mechanical Animals” tour rolled through Dallas in 1998. It was everything she dreamed: fire, chaos, pounding basslines, and outfits that screamed apocalypse chic. The crowd was defiant, hungry. They weren’t just watching—they were part of it. After the Columbine shooting in ’99, when the media tried to pin the violence on black trench coats and Manson lyrics, she remembered the chill it put through her scene. Venues shut down. School counselors gave her sidelong glances. Her mom started praying for her.

But Kayla didn’t care. She knew it wasn’t about violence. It was about expression, about rebellion, about finding a space when you felt like you didn’t fit into sororities or Baptist youth groups or the relentless sunshine of suburban Oklahoma. Music was her sanctuary, and the sweaty, strobe-lit raves at old warehouses outside Norman were her cathedral. There were glowsticks, gas masks, mesh shirts, and girls dancing barefoot on broken tile floors. She remembered the way the beat of VNV Nation or The Prodigy could lift her off the ground.

It was at one of those raves where she met Ethan Hughes.

He was standing off to the side in a navy hoodie and jeans, sipping a warm beer and looking entirely out of place. She’d noticed his clean-shaven face, his wireframe glasses, his nervous hands fidgeting with his watch. He looked like he belonged in a computer science lab—not a warehouse with pulsating strobes and kids on ecstasy doing the robot.

“Lost?” she asked, smirking.

He looked her up and down, from the neon blue cyber falls in her hair to the black vinyl skirt and New Rocks on her feet.

“Maybe,” he said. “But the music’s not bad.”

They talked until 3 a.m. about everything—how he was majoring in electrical engineering, how she was in nursing school, how she could rebuild a carburetor but couldn’t stomach dissecting frogs. He was awkward and kind, fascinated by her world. She thought he was hilarious, even if he had no idea who KMFDM was.

Two years later, they got married in a courthouse, her black lace dress clashing with his khaki suit, and they drove to Eureka Springs for a three-day honeymoon in a bed and breakfast that had “ghost tours.” She loved that he didn’t try to change her, that he listened to The Cure with her in the car even though he preferred classic rock. He thought her Goth look was “really cute, actually,” but gently teased her about the six shades of black lipstick she kept in a makeup bag that looked like it had seen war.

After graduation, Kayla got her LPN license and took a night shift at a local rehab hospital in Norman. It was grueling but quiet in the right ways. She liked the stillness of 2 a.m., when most of the patients slept, and the world seemed to pause. She wore scrub tops with skull patterns, combat boots with non-slip soles, and snuck her earbuds in to listen to old NIN albums during rounds.

When Ethan got a job offer in Oklahoma City working for a company that specialized in smart grid technology, they bought a modest house in the suburbs and traded rave nights for Netflix. Then came the twins—Liam and Jonah—followed by a “surprise baby,” Micah, two years later.

The black nail polish got packed away. So did the corsets, the industrial mix CDs, the incense burners. But not all of it.

Now, in the summer of 2025, Kayla Hughes stands in the garage of her beige two-story house in Edmond, Oklahoma, rummaging through a plastic storage bin labeled “COLLEGE STUFF.” She pulls out a faded “Antichrist Superstar” shirt, the sleeves threadbare, the logo cracked. She holds it up to her chest and laughs.

“You gonna wear that to Micah’s soccer practice?” Ethan calls from the kitchen.

She grins. “Thinking about it.”

He walks in, still in his slacks and dress shirt, now loosened at the collar, sipping a LaCroix. His hair’s thinning now, but the glasses are the same. “You know I liked that look, right?”

“You told me I looked like a Hot Topic vampire.”

“I said adorable Hot Topic vampire.”

She rolls her eyes but leans in for a kiss. There’s a comfort in the way he still smiles at her like they’re 22, lost in a crowd of glowsticks and static beats.

Their boys, all tall and shaggy-haired, burst in moments later, arguing about who gets to ride shotgun. Jonah has a soccer ball tucked under one arm. Liam has an energy drink tucked under the other. Micah’s already trying to sync his phone to the Tesla’s Bluetooth.

On the way to the park, Kayla lets them play whatever rap-trap hybrid is popular that week. But when they hop out and start warming up, she scrolls through her phone and slips in her earbuds.

She still has a playlist—labeled Midnight Cathedral—and the opening strains of “Terrible Lie” by Nine Inch Nails pour into her ears like holy water. She remembers being eighteen, stomping through fallen leaves on campus, trying to ignore sorority girls laughing behind her. She remembers the sting of being different, but also the fire it gave her.

Now she’s forty-four. A nurse. A mom. A Tesla owner. And she’s still her.

She watches her sons chasing the ball under the Oklahoma sun, her black nail polish glinting faintly where it’s chipped. She smiles.

The world changed. She changed. But somewhere deep beneath the khaki shorts and PTA meetings, a part of her still burns in neon and static.

And when no one’s looking, she dances in the kitchen to old VNV Nation tracks, just to remind herself—once, she ruled the night.

July 25, 2025

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I’m getting my mobility back after my near fall scare of last month. I can easily walk from my recliner to the bed, at least when my knee and ankle pain isn’t flaring up. Some days my pain is very manageable. Some days I hurt enough that I don’t stand up.

I have proven I can get in and out of a wheelchair relatively easily. Unfortunately, none of the doors in my house are wide enough for wheelchair access. At least we don’t have any steps in here. Because the doors aren’t wide enough for my wheelchair I can’t get out to the garage to get into may parents’ car. I no longer have a drivers’ license. Thanks to self driving becoming quite common in newer cars, I’m not sure I will ever need one again.

Sadly my parents are slipping and in decline. My dad is almost deaf and can only watch tv with closed captioning even with hearing aides. My mom can’t see very well but refuses to get glasses. She’s also getting forgetful. Sometimes she forgets when I have appointments or to pick up medications from the pharmacy or even turn her phone back on after she gets home from church or doctor’s appointments.

My mom doesn’t cook much anymore. I usually have wraps, soups, or fast food. Gets kind of old not having home cooked meals more often. My dad has become a huge pessimist. But he spends much of his free time watching Fox News, complaining about how everything is expensive (even though he can easily afford most things), and is often sick.

I have gotten to where I don’t like visiting with my parents. Dad can’t hear me when I talk and he often talks down to me like I’m five years old again. So annoying. And my parents flat out refuse to make the house handicap accessible. They gave me something about how we can’t widen the doors without doing serious damage. I think they are too old and sick to even try anymore. I think they have given up and are just waiting to die.

My brother doesn’t see anything wrong with mom and dad. Then again, he hasn’t been over to visit in over two months and he lives only a fifteen minute drive away. He’s essentially to busy with his career, his house, his wife, and his kids to care one bit about his parents and me.

Personally I don’t need anything from him. If he wants to be too busy for me, let him. I still reach out to him weekly even if he is too busy to visit us. I think that that someday, after his kids have moved out and he’s old, he may regret not getting to know his parents or me better. I can claim I haven’t made the mistake of taking my parents for granted. Can most people?

I’m heart broken over my parents. I’m heart broken that I can’t talk to my dad anymore without having to repeat myself every sentence or speak long sentences to him because of his bad hearing. Mom is getting forgetful. They refuse to widen the doors in the house even though we certainly got the money too. I think they have given up on themselves, and unfortunately me.

Zach Foster’s New Books Are Now for Sale

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A week ago, I uploaded some of my old writings to Amazon.com to be published and sold. I uploaded three books, which I will post links in this article as well as photos of the book covers.

https://a.co/d/7XqLf8q

https://a.co/d/azAnKYM

https://a.co/d/7SNg0NW

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https://a.co/d/79etxLq

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https://a.co/d/0dwrLpq

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https://a.co/d/13K202P