On Minimalism or Why I’m Not Pessimist Even Though I Don’t Have Money or Job Security

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I have never learned the fine art of being able to let go and no longer care.  Maybe that is another trait neurotypical people are born with that we the mentally ill aren’t. Even though one of my favorite comedians was George Carlin, I have never been able to bring myself to the nihilist thinking of if the world is going to fall apart then I’m going to enjoy the ride down.  I think I’m more of an idealist in that I know we as a species have problems, issues, and baggage but we can compensate for said hangups and move onto something better.  I guess I never quit dreaming and seeing what we can as a species accomplish.  I missed the memo that said I had to be a pessimist and a grump once I became a man.

The scientists, engineers, doctors, and humanitarians of the world have done some really amazing things just since I was old enough to start paying attention twenty five years ago.  And twenty five years is just a blip on the radar of human history.  I would have been life time hospitalized in 1966.  I wouldn’t be blogging in 1986 with the audience I now have (I appreciate all my visitors).  I wouldn’t be able to keep in contact with my college friends in 1996 nearly as easily as I do now.  My father always told me one of his greatest regrets was not keeping in contact with his college and Air Force friends more and taking more photos when he was in school and overseas.  With Facebook I hear from people I was just casual friends with on an almost weekly basis.  I have even had good conversations with people I have never met in person.  But because we have similar interests we can connect quite easily.  With my cell phone I can cheaply talk to friends and family at all hours or call for emergency help.  In the late 1980s about the only people who had cell phones were Wall Street tycoons.  And as good as my $99 Wal Mart cell phone is, I don’t even really need it as much as I used to.  Anymore I can most of my banking, order books through Amazon, order clothing (I have an odd size so I have to special order sometimes), and even get pizza and deli delivery via the internet.  If I were so inclined to get back into the dating game, I’d just go to any one of a number of internet dating sites and let their algorithms match me to a woman with similar interests.  None of this was possible when I was growing up.  It is an excellent time to be alive.

For years I have heard that my generation of Americans was going to be the first that was worse off than their parents.  As far as I’m concerned, we’re worse off only in certain areas.  Sure GenXers and Millenials have higher levels of student loans and more job insecurity than did the Boomers and World War 2 generations.  But what money we do have can go much further than in the past.  You really think Andy Griffith could have accessed an entire encyclopedia of knowledge on his rotary phone in the 1960s?  You think that Archie Bunker would have as good of a chance to survive cancer in the 1970s?  Sure many of the high paying manufacturing jobs have left Europe and North America, but blame technology and automation as much as China or trade deals.  Just Google the monetary worth of manufactured goods in the U.S. or E.U. and compare it to before the beginning of automation.  It’s probably higher now though done with fewer laborers.  Yes you may be discontent with your job as a convince store clerk or a fryer cook at KFC, but with as cheap as many things are getting now, you may not need the $40,000 a year job right out of college to have an alright life.

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I make less than $15,000  per year from all sources.  But I still have two computers, an automobile, a cell phone, a good wireless internet connection, no debts, and I’m not going hungry.  Yet according to the U.S. government statistics I am living in poverty.  But I have pretty much everything I want and definitely everything I need.  I don’t need the four bedroom house with the picket fence (especially not when I have pay home owners’ association fees, property taxes, shovel snow, and fix my own plumbing when the pipes break at 3 am on Sunday morning).  I think the ideas of having a large house in a good neighborhood, a mini van and an SUV, lots of trinkets to impress people I don’t care about, a stressful job that could be automated or outsourced at a moment’s notice, a marriage that is always strained because of not enough time with the wife and kids, are overrated.  I never got the memo that said I had to have all of that to be happy and content.  I don’t have any of those “hallmarks of success” and yet I don’t feel like less of a man because of it.  Some people may think less of me because I don’t have a lot of money, a prestigious job, a trophy wife, children, a big house, or a SUV.  But that is their hangup and a reflection on them, not me.

Sure I make less money than my parents did (and many of my friends can claim the same thing).  But we definitely have more flexibility, more adaptability, more connectivity, better access to knowledge and information, and less of our budgets are going to basics like food and rent.  Even with as little as I make only half of my money goes to food and rent.  And I don’t even get food stamps.  Take heart GenXers and Millenials, even though you may never have the job stability or the money your parents and grandparents had, you definitely have more freedom and flexibility because you are not as tied to one area.  And you GenXers and Millenials will find out that once you get your debts completely knocked out (which will take time and discipline), you will find you can live on much less than you thought and you suddenly have lots of options.  My parents are tied to their small farming village because they would have to sell their house, their acreage, their cars, and most of the trinkets they acquired over the years of being tied down.  Me, besides my bed, my dresser, my book shelf, and my two couches, I can throw everything I own in my car and be moved within a few hours if need be.  And being able to do so much more online now, I can easily transfer to a new bank, new insurance company, and find pretty much whatever I need wherever I wind up.  I wouldn’t give up my freedom and flexability so I could be tied down just because I have a house and some money.  Freedom and flexability are currency in the information age.  I wouldn’t want to live in the past.  I would go nuts from the lack of freedom and lack of options.

 

Getting Back On Track

After several rough days I think I’m starting to feel better.  Went out and bought a lot of groceries this morning. I had been eating out twice a day for the last week because I wasn’t motivated enough to go out and go grocery shopping.  Doubtless I wasn’t eating healthy during those days. Bought mostly non perishables like soup, rice, and ramen noodles.  I’m starting to rebuild my winter emergency supplies.  We had our first freeze in my hometown a few days ago.  The leaves are turning, the corn harvest is going on, playoff baseball is starting, and college football is in the thick of it’s season.  October has traditionally been a happy time for me.

Still taking the daily multi vitamin.  I’ve gotten to where I don’t need 10 hours of sleep every night.  I’m now down to 8 hours a night.  I’m finding myself needing less sleep.  And I don’t drink as much caffeine as I usually do.  Maybe that’s why I’m getting more consistent sleep and less irritable.  I exercise a little every day and I still lift weights three times a week.

Overall I’m feeling better than I was a few days ago.  I’m feeling more energetic and more motivated.  I don’t feel as irritable and the hallucinations have subsided.  I’m also no longer feeling depressed like I was last week.  I still don’t socialize as much as I have in the past but I am getting out of my apartment more often.  I keep in contact with friends and family, mainly over the phone and Facebook.  I probably wouldn’t have much of a social life if it wasn’t for internet and cell phones

Backsliding

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After weeks of few problems and no relapses, I’ve started having problems again within the last couple weeks.  Most of the time I just want to sleep or stay in my apartment.  I’ve been averaging 10 hours of sleep per night for at least a week.  The only time I leave my apartment is to get something to eat.  I’ve been dining out more as I’ve lost the motivation to cook or do grocery shopping.  About the only real housekeeping I do is taking out my trash.

Anymore I feel very short tempered and paranoid about most people.  My paranoia that most people are willingly stupid has come back.  And I definitely have little tolerance for stupidity and ignorance.  I’ve never saw the appeal of being dumb.  I guess it wasn’t until the last several years did I realize that growing up with both parents as medical professionals and having a house full of books wasn’t the same experience most people had growing up.  In the back of my mind I know I shouldn’t be so tough on ignorant people.  I have to keep reminding myself that one really smart and accomplished person can easily make up for the actions of hundreds of ignorant people. I have to remind myself of that on an almost hourly basis.  That’s probably why I watch so many science and tech documentaries.  Science and technology give me more hope for the future of the species than any other human endeavors.  It’s not even close as far as I’m concerned.  Yet it is very discouraging that so few people pay any attention to science and technology advances.  It’s even more discouraging when it’s my elected leaders and policy makers who are the ones who are ignorant about science.  I’ve been dealing with pridefully ignorant and mean people my entire life.  It was tough doing so as a child and it’s no easier as an adult.

I’m also getting paranoid that most people are mean and violent by nature.  Maybe it’s because of the violence I see in my newsfeed and the hateful comments I see my friends and friends of friends leaving on Facebook and twitter on a daily basis.  I also see it every time I leave my apartment in the blank, lifeless, and joyless expressions I see on most people’s faces.  Some of these people look like they’d hurt someone just for looking at them wrong.  It just saddens and angers me that most people I see are angry and unhappy all the time.  And this has been going on before the election even started.  I know the election has most people on edge and angry.  But after the election, then what?  People will be angry about the holidays.  Then they’ll be angry about the winter.  Then they’ll be angry about their jobs and spouses.  Then they’ll be angry about their chronic pains and aches.  It seems to me that most people want to be angry.  Most people it seems find identity in their misery.  I don’t understand it.  I’ve felt unhappy for a good chunk of my life and I want to be miserable as little as possible.

At this point I know I am backsliding into old problems with schizophrenia.  The old paranoias are coming back.  I’m becoming short tempered and irritable much of the time.  I’m avoiding other people as much as possible.  Most days anymore the only face to face conversations I have are when I’m checking out at a convenience store or fast food restaurant.  I don’t want to do anything besides sleep.  About the only positive of these last few weeks is that I’m eating less and I think I’ve lost a few pounds.  It’s just been a rough last few weeks.  And I’m ready for it to pass.

 

It Pays To Stay Silent Sometimes

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I’ve been having problems with trolls on my personal accounts the last few days.  I don’t understand why complete strangers act as if it’s their God given responsibility to harass and torment people they don’t agree with.  It got especially bad last night when I was talking with an old friend of mine and I was getting trolled by one of her friends just because we didn’t agree on some things.  Can’t even have a conversation with a friend without being harassed it seems.

Anyway last night, mainly out of frustration and depression, I wrote an anger laced blog entry but fortunately thought better of posting it.  Once I got that depression out of my system I decided I wouldn’t post the entry.  I learned about this strategy years ago from an old Dale Carnegie book.  I was angry and hurt but posting that entry probably would have made things worse.  I got my words out of my system, spoke until I had peace, and then trashed the entry so I couldn’t post it.

With a mental illness feelings of anger, sadness, and anxiety are going to be stronger than the general population.  I have to remind myself of this on a daily basis.  Some things that other people may forget about after a few minutes I’ll agonize over sometimes for hours.  I have also been known to remember slights and hold grudges for years.  I’m sorry for this.  It is one of the curses of having a good mind and a mental illness at the same time.

In short, having feelings of frustration and depression is part of having a mental illness.  Sometimes a person needs to vent.  One of those ways is to write it down long handed and then trash the notes.  Another is through counseling where you vent to the counselor.  They are trained to deal with strong and unpleasant emotions, far more so than average people.  By writing down your feelings and fears or talking about them with a professional counselor is a safety valve way of expressing your feelings with as little damage as possible.  Harsh and unkind words cannot be unspoken and anything written on the internet is practically irreversible.