Backsliding

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After weeks of few problems and no relapses, I’ve started having problems again within the last couple weeks.  Most of the time I just want to sleep or stay in my apartment.  I’ve been averaging 10 hours of sleep per night for at least a week.  The only time I leave my apartment is to get something to eat.  I’ve been dining out more as I’ve lost the motivation to cook or do grocery shopping.  About the only real housekeeping I do is taking out my trash.

Anymore I feel very short tempered and paranoid about most people.  My paranoia that most people are willingly stupid has come back.  And I definitely have little tolerance for stupidity and ignorance.  I’ve never saw the appeal of being dumb.  I guess it wasn’t until the last several years did I realize that growing up with both parents as medical professionals and having a house full of books wasn’t the same experience most people had growing up.  In the back of my mind I know I shouldn’t be so tough on ignorant people.  I have to keep reminding myself that one really smart and accomplished person can easily make up for the actions of hundreds of ignorant people. I have to remind myself of that on an almost hourly basis.  That’s probably why I watch so many science and tech documentaries.  Science and technology give me more hope for the future of the species than any other human endeavors.  It’s not even close as far as I’m concerned.  Yet it is very discouraging that so few people pay any attention to science and technology advances.  It’s even more discouraging when it’s my elected leaders and policy makers who are the ones who are ignorant about science.  I’ve been dealing with pridefully ignorant and mean people my entire life.  It was tough doing so as a child and it’s no easier as an adult.

I’m also getting paranoid that most people are mean and violent by nature.  Maybe it’s because of the violence I see in my newsfeed and the hateful comments I see my friends and friends of friends leaving on Facebook and twitter on a daily basis.  I also see it every time I leave my apartment in the blank, lifeless, and joyless expressions I see on most people’s faces.  Some of these people look like they’d hurt someone just for looking at them wrong.  It just saddens and angers me that most people I see are angry and unhappy all the time.  And this has been going on before the election even started.  I know the election has most people on edge and angry.  But after the election, then what?  People will be angry about the holidays.  Then they’ll be angry about the winter.  Then they’ll be angry about their jobs and spouses.  Then they’ll be angry about their chronic pains and aches.  It seems to me that most people want to be angry.  Most people it seems find identity in their misery.  I don’t understand it.  I’ve felt unhappy for a good chunk of my life and I want to be miserable as little as possible.

At this point I know I am backsliding into old problems with schizophrenia.  The old paranoias are coming back.  I’m becoming short tempered and irritable much of the time.  I’m avoiding other people as much as possible.  Most days anymore the only face to face conversations I have are when I’m checking out at a convenience store or fast food restaurant.  I don’t want to do anything besides sleep.  About the only positive of these last few weeks is that I’m eating less and I think I’ve lost a few pounds.  It’s just been a rough last few weeks.  And I’m ready for it to pass.

 

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Author: alifeofmentalillness

I write about my experiences with mental illness and life in general. I am also currently under going 'lifestyle changes' (I hate the term 'dieting' as it's sounds so temporary) and have lost 70 pounds since spring 2014. I've put my poetry and novel writing on lower priority since I started losing weight and blogging more seriously.

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