AI and Psychopharmacology

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The Current Challenges in Psychopharmacology

Developing new psychiatric medications involves several challenges. Traditional methods are time-consuming and expensive, often taking over a decade and billions of dollars to bring a new drug to market. The high failure rate in clinical trials further complicates the process, with many potential drugs failing due to inefficacy or adverse side effects. Additionally, the complex and heterogeneous nature of mental health disorders means that understanding the underlying biological mechanisms and identifying suitable drug targets are inherently difficult tasks.

AI’s Potential Contributions

Drug Discovery and Design

AI can significantly streamline the initial stages of drug discovery. Machine learning algorithms can analyze extensive datasets, including genetic information, biochemical pathways, and clinical trial results, to identify potential drug candidates. For instance, deep learning models can predict the binding affinity of small molecules to specific receptors in the brain, thus identifying promising compounds for further testing. By leveraging AI, researchers can quickly sift through vast chemical libraries and simulate interactions, significantly reducing the time and cost involved in traditional drug discovery methods.

Understanding Biological Mechanisms

Mental health disorders often involve complex interactions between genetic, environmental, and neurobiological factors. AI can help unravel these complexities by integrating and analyzing diverse datasets. For example, machine learning algorithms can analyze genomic, transcriptomic, and proteomic data to identify biomarkers associated with specific psychiatric conditions. This can lead to a better understanding of disease mechanisms and the identification of novel therapeutic targets. Additionally, AI can aid in the development of personalized medicine approaches, tailoring treatments based on an individual’s unique genetic and biological profile.

Predicting Treatment Response

One of the significant challenges in psychopharmacology is the variability in treatment response among patients. AI can address this issue by developing predictive models that identify which patients are likely to respond to a particular medication. These models can analyze data from electronic health records, including demographic information, clinical history, and genetic data, to predict treatment outcomes. Such personalized treatment strategies can improve efficacy, reduce trial-and-error prescribing, and minimize adverse effects, ultimately leading to better patient outcomes.

Optimizing Clinical Trials

AI can also revolutionize the clinical trial process by improving patient recruitment, optimizing study design, and enhancing data analysis. Machine learning algorithms can identify suitable candidates for clinical trials by analyzing electronic health records and other patient data, ensuring a more targeted and efficient recruitment process. Furthermore, AI can assist in designing adaptive clinical trials that modify parameters in real-time based on interim results, potentially speeding up the process and increasing the likelihood of success. AI-driven data analysis can also provide deeper insights into trial outcomes, identifying subtle patterns and correlations that might be missed by traditional statistical methods.

Case Studies and Examples

Several initiatives and studies already demonstrate the potential of AI in psychopharmacology. For instance, Insilico Medicine, a biotechnology company, uses AI-driven platforms to accelerate drug discovery and development. Their AI algorithms analyze vast amounts of biological data to identify novel drug candidates and predict their efficacy and safety. In one notable example, Insilico Medicine used AI to identify a new drug candidate for a chronic obstructive pulmonary disease in just 46 days, highlighting the potential for rapid drug discovery.

In the realm of mental health, AI has been used to analyze brain imaging data to identify biomarkers associated with depression and other psychiatric disorders. For example, researchers at Stanford University used machine learning algorithms to analyze functional magnetic resonance imaging (fMRI) data, identifying brain activity patterns that predict treatment response to antidepressants. Such studies underscore the potential of AI to provide deeper insights into the neurobiological underpinnings of mental health disorders and guide the development of more effective treatments.

Ethical and Practical Considerations

While the potential of AI in psychopharmacology is immense, several ethical and practical considerations must be addressed. Data privacy and security

are paramount concerns, given the sensitive nature of medical and genetic information. Ensuring that patient data is anonymized and securely stored is essential to prevent misuse and maintain trust in AI-driven research.

Additionally, the algorithms and models developed using AI must be transparent and interpretable. Black-box models, where the decision-making process is not easily understood, can lead to skepticism and resistance from both clinicians and patients. Researchers and developers must prioritize the creation of explainable AI systems that provide clear rationale for their predictions and recommendations.

There is also the risk of bias in AI models. If the training data used to develop these models is not representative of the broader population, the resulting predictions and insights may be biased, potentially leading to disparities in treatment effectiveness across different demographic groups. Ensuring diversity and inclusivity in training datasets is crucial to mitigate this risk.

Future Directions and Opportunities

The next five years present numerous opportunities for AI to further transform psychopharmacology. As AI technologies continue to evolve, several promising directions could enhance their impact on mental health medication development.

Integration of Multimodal Data

Combining different types of data, such as genetic, epigenetic, proteomic, imaging, and clinical data, can provide a more comprehensive understanding of psychiatric disorders. AI can facilitate the integration and analysis of these multimodal datasets, uncovering complex interactions and identifying novel drug targets.

Collaborative Research Platforms

Creating collaborative platforms where researchers, clinicians, and AI experts can share data and insights can accelerate progress in psychopharmacology. Initiatives like the UK Biobank, which provides access to a vast repository of genetic and health data, can be leveraged by AI researchers to advance the development of new treatments. Collaborative efforts can also help standardize data collection and analysis methods, improving the reliability and reproducibility of AI-driven research.

AI-Driven Repurposing of Existing Drugs

Drug repurposing, where existing medications are used to treat new conditions, is an area where AI can make significant contributions. By analyzing existing data on approved drugs, AI algorithms can identify new therapeutic uses for these medications, potentially providing faster and more cost-effective treatment options for psychiatric disorders. This approach has already shown promise in identifying potential treatments for COVID-19 and other diseases.

Patient Monitoring and Real-Time Feedback

AI can also play a role in the ongoing monitoring of patients receiving psychiatric medications. Wearable devices and mobile health applications can collect real-time data on patients’ symptoms, medication adherence, and side effects. AI algorithms can analyze this data to provide clinicians with timely feedback, allowing for more dynamic and personalized treatment adjustments. This continuous monitoring can enhance the effectiveness of treatments and improve patient outcomes.

Conclusion

The potential for AI to revolutionize the development of new psychiatric medications within the next five years is substantial. By accelerating drug discovery, improving our understanding of biological mechanisms, predicting treatment responses, and optimizing clinical trials, AI offers a powerful toolset for addressing the complex challenges in psychopharmacology.

However, realizing this potential requires careful consideration of ethical and practical challenges, including data privacy, model transparency, and bias mitigation. By fostering collaborative research efforts and integrating diverse datasets, the field can harness the full power of AI to develop more effective and personalized treatments for mental health disorders.

As AI continues to advance, its role in psychopharmacology is likely to expand, offering hope for more rapid and effective solutions to some of the most pressing mental health challenges. The next five years may indeed see significant breakthroughs, driven by the synergy of AI and psychopharmacology, ultimately improving the lives of millions of individuals suffering from psychiatric disorders.

Possible Uses for AI and Mental Illness Treatments

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Artificial Intelligence (AI) is revolutionizing numerous fields, and mental health care is no exception. The application of AI in mental health treatment is an emerging frontier that holds promise for significantly enhancing the way mental illnesses are diagnosed, treated, and managed. AI-driven approaches offer innovative solutions that can lead to personalized, efficient, and accessible mental health care. This essay explores the potential treatments for mental illness made possible by AI research, focusing on diagnostic tools, personalized treatment plans, therapeutic interventions, and ongoing monitoring and support.

Diagnostic Tools

One of the most promising applications of AI in mental health is in the realm of diagnosis. Traditionally, diagnosing mental illnesses relies heavily on subjective assessments and self-reported symptoms, which can be influenced by various biases and may not always be accurate. AI can enhance diagnostic accuracy by analyzing vast amounts of data from various sources, including electronic health records, genetic information, and even social media activity.

Machine learning algorithms can identify patterns and correlations that may not be evident to human clinicians. For example, AI can analyze speech patterns, facial expressions, and other behavioral indicators to detect signs of depression, anxiety, or other mental health conditions. Natural language processing (NLP) techniques can be used to assess the content and sentiment of patients’ spoken or written communication, providing additional insights into their mental state. These AI-driven diagnostic tools can serve as early warning systems, flagging potential issues before they become severe and facilitating timely intervention.

Personalized Treatment Plans

AI has the potential to revolutionize the development of personalized treatment plans for individuals with mental health conditions. By leveraging data from diverse sources, including patient history, genetic information, and real-time monitoring data, AI can help tailor treatments to the specific needs and characteristics of each patient.

Machine learning models can predict how patients might respond to different treatments based on their unique profiles. This can include pharmacological treatments, such as selecting the most effective medication with the fewest side effects, as well as non-pharmacological interventions like cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) or mindfulness practices. AI can also optimize treatment plans by continuously learning from patient outcomes and adjusting recommendations accordingly. This dynamic, data-driven approach can enhance the efficacy of treatments and reduce the trial-and-error process often associated with mental health care.

Therapeutic Interventions

AI-driven therapeutic interventions are another exciting development in the treatment of mental illnesses. Chatbots and virtual therapists, powered by AI, can provide immediate support and therapeutic guidance to individuals in need. These AI-based systems can engage in conversations with patients, offering cognitive-behavioral therapy techniques, stress reduction strategies, and other therapeutic interventions.

For instance, AI chatbots like Woebot and Wysa use NLP to interact with users, providing them with evidence-based techniques to manage symptoms of depression and anxiety. These tools can be especially beneficial for individuals who may not have easy access to traditional therapy due to geographic, financial, or time constraints. While AI-driven interventions are not a replacement for human therapists, they can serve as a valuable supplement, providing support between sessions and reaching underserved populations.

Ongoing Monitoring and Support

AI can also play a crucial role in the ongoing monitoring and support of individuals with mental health conditions. Wearable devices and mobile applications equipped with AI algorithms can continuously track physiological and behavioral data, such as sleep patterns, physical activity, heart rate, and social interactions. By analyzing this data, AI can detect early signs of relapse or deterioration in mental health and alert patients and their caregivers to take proactive measures.

Moreover, AI can facilitate continuous communication between patients and healthcare providers. For example, digital platforms can enable patients to log their symptoms, medication adherence, and mood changes, providing clinicians with real-time data to make informed decisions about treatment adjustments. This continuous feedback loop can enhance patient engagement, improve treatment adherence, and ultimately lead to better mental health outcomes.

Ethical and Practical Considerations

While the potential of AI in mental health care is immense, it is essential to address ethical and practical considerations. Privacy and data security are paramount, given the sensitive nature of mental health information. Ensuring that AI systems are transparent, explainable, and free from biases is also crucial to maintain trust and efficacy.

Furthermore, the integration of AI into mental health care should be done in a way that complements, rather than replaces, human clinicians. The human touch remains indispensable in providing empathy, understanding, and personalized care that AI cannot fully replicate.

Conclusion

AI research holds the promise of transforming the treatment of mental illnesses, offering innovative solutions for diagnosis, personalized treatment, therapeutic interventions, and ongoing monitoring. By harnessing the power of AI, mental health care can become more accurate, efficient, and accessible, ultimately improving the lives of individuals struggling with mental health conditions. However, careful consideration of ethical and practical issues is necessary to ensure that these advancements are implemented in a responsible and beneficial manner. As AI continues to evolve, it will be exciting to see how it can further contribute to the field of mental health, providing hope and healing to millions around the world.

April 25 2024

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It’s been a while since I last wrote on A Life of Mental Illness. I didn’t give up writing. I was writing on other forums, like Medium. It’s easy to pay wall my work on Medium. I guess after years of honing the craft, I thought it was time to see if I could make some money from my blogging.

Even though I haven’t written on WordPress the last several weeks, I was still getting pretty decent traffic. I had gotten discouraged with the fact I was actually losing money on WordPress. Even though I’m not getting rich, I turn a profit every month on Medium. I’ve made more money on Medium in the last eight months than I ever did with any of my writings on other forums. This includes the print on demand books I wrote and sold through local shops when I still lived in Nebraska.

I’m seriously considering republishing some of my old works. Found most of my old poetry writings from years ago. Poetry is how I learned how to write. The only real writings I haven’t found yet are the drafts for the three novels I wrote back in my twenties. Both were coming of age stories about friendships in college and young adulthood. I would describe them as 21st century versions of Jack Kerouac’s ‘On The Road’, but not as much drug abuse.

In addition to my novels about young adulthood in the early 2000s, I made notes for some other stories. One was a story about middle aged private investigator who was falsely accused of a crime and lost his job on the police force and was trying to clear his name. Another story was a science fiction story about settling other planets. I was big into playing Star Craft and watching Star Trek Enterprise reruns at the time.

I used to make up stories all the time while I paced around my large backyard as a child. The backyard was my Fortress of Solitude. It’s where I went when I needed an escape from reality and my bullies when I was a kid. I’m wishing I wrote some of those story ideas down. I made up stories ranging from Indiana Jones types, to war stories, to science fiction stories, to stories about world class athletes who were also academic geniuses, to trying to predict the future, to even my own made up in my mind fan fiction. But I never heard the term Fan Fiction when I was young. Hell, I grew up over an hour’s drive from the nearest bookstore and comic book shop.

Since I didn’t have easy access to bookstores, I did the next best thing. I spent much of my childhood at the village library. It was one of those old-fashioned Carnegie Era libraries from the early 1900s even though I don’t know if it was built using Carnegie Foundation grants or not. It had the aroma of old library. I’m talking the smell of bound leather, Lemon Pledge, and just enough mustiness to be pleasing to the nostrils and not overwhelming. As a kid if I wasn’t in my backyard, I was at the library.

I’m really kicking myself for not taking extensive notes and writing things down as a child. As an adult I use my blogs as my mental notes and storytelling. I also have copies of all my blog entries offline. Have some of them even in paper copy. I believe in being prepared for emergencies. I just have too much of the old Nebraska Farmer in my blood to do otherwise.

Ready to be On My Own Again

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When the wounded bird has been nursed back to health and is ready to fly once more.

Logo of my personal blog, www.alifeofmentalillness.com. Designed by Fiverr

Here in Oklahoma, it’s feeling like spring again. Had our first thunderstorm a few days ago. Went out for ice cream with my elderly parents this afternoon. Did some people watching from my porch in my neighborhood today. Met my across the street neighbors. They are a younger married couple with three small children. It’s cool to be living in a place that young families actually want to come to. First time in my entire life I’m living in a place that isn’t stagnating or dying. I like it.

It’s also one of the reasons I want to get my own place again. I think it would be better if I in a complex that is handicap accessible. As much as I like the suburbs, I do want to get back out in my own place. I had been on my own for almost 18 years. I didn’t spend 18 years living alone to be under my family’s shadow again.

I already buy my own groceries, pay rent, and pretty much keep to myself for the most part. The first few months I was here I had some heated arguments with my family about different ways of doing things. So I make it a point to keep to myself and avoid my family except for maybe a couple times a day. Helps keep my sanity.

I think it would be easier to make IRL friends if I were back in an apartment complex as opposed to a stand-alone house in the burbs. Sure, I love the low crime rates of the burbs, but I do miss the diversity of living in an apartment complex. Hell, I even miss my old college dormitory.

I loved the fact that, in communal living, there was always something going on somewhere, often within walking distance or a short bus ride. It’s one of the reasons I would love to live in a handicap accessible apartment in a culturally diverse area of Oklahoma City.

That way I could have my freedom, my culture, and still be close to my family. I found I get along with my brother a lot better than my elderly parents. He’s far less judgemental and actually likes many of the geek things I do.

I miss having a social life outside of my home and online. Since the burbs aren’t conducive to wheelchairs, I pretty much stay home whether I want to or not. I’d definitely would love to live in an area that has street fairs, parades I could watch from either an apartment or from the sidewalks. I miss going to weekend concerts at the college town dive bars when I was in my twenties and early thirties.

I also think my parents and I get on each others’ nerves. I get annoyed that they spend most of their time watching tv in the living room and complaining about the world falling apart. Seems like the only real times they leave the house are for doctors’ appointments and church service. And they never leave me alone when I go to the living room even though I’m in my 40s and have on my own for many years.

Gets tiresome and irritating being that I can’t go to the backyard or even cook my own meals without my parents making some stupid comments about something. It is true, elderly people really don’t have filters. It’s annoying. I mean I had to filter myself all the time when I was growing up. My life is half over and I have to do it again? Irritating. And most of everything they talk about I’ve already heard or could hear just by listening to Tucker Carlson or ESPN.

I’ve been really looking for my own place for over a year. Thank God I have family. Otherwise I’d be on the damn street. But I really don’t want to spend the rest of my living in a place that isn’t handicap accessible. Even the front door and bathrooms aren’t handicap friendly. The only thing qualifying the place as handicap friendly is that there are no stairs. It’s gets so old having to settle in my life for things that don’t work well for me.

The Trick to Staying Happy While in Retirement

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I’m in my 40s and am on disability pension due to a schizophrenia diagnosis and congestive heart failure that took most of my mobility. I guess you could say I was forced into early retirement.

I found the trick to staying happy for me was intentionally forcing myself to stay active. Even when I don’t want to be physically active, I force myself to be mentally active. It’s why I write almost every day.

It’s why I read books that challenge the world view I grew up with. Many of the classics of literature and philosophy and other religions outside my Christian upbringing? I read many of those just in the last 20 years.

Taught myself how the stock market and cryptos work. Wish Robinhood was a thing 15 years ago. Better late than never for sure. Still thinking about teaching myself Ancient Latin and Greek.

Yes, I am one of those history loving pricks who enjoys ancient history too much to be healthy. Yes, I think about Ancient Rome every day. But I sure wouldn’t want to build a time machine and move back to the First Century AD. Like I said, I read too much history to actually be nostalgic about everyday life back then.

I failed to teach myself calculus several years ago but will probably pick it back up in a few years. I probably spend 60 to 80 hours per week reading books, writing blogs and essays, watching educational channels on YouTube, corresponding with writer friends here on Medium, etc. Have been doing this every week without fail for over 12 years. Just because I’m on disability pension doesn’t mean I drink beer and watch porn every day.

Updates, March 1, 2024

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Here in Oklahoma, it’s starting to look and feel like spring. Spring is probably my favorite season. Ironically, I usually hate summers. I never did well in the heat, at least when I can’t be under a fan or an AC. I’m more heat sensitive than most people. It’s one of the reasons I didn’t commit to move to Oklahoma until a year ago.

Mentally, I’m still very stable. I think it helps that I avoid stressful people and overstimulating as much as possible. I don’t even like driving or people knocking on my office door. I haven’t owned a car for almost five years now. And I feel far less stress because of it. To hell with being forced to own a car. Pity grocery delivery wasn’t a thing ten years sooner.

Physically I’m doing much better. The only times I have bad joint pain are if I sit for several hours, sleep too long, or the weather is really changing. I still take the turmeric for my joints. Take hemp oil too. Still slowly rebuilding my heart strength.

My writings here on Medium are doing alright. Good enough to keep me some good side hustle money. But not good enough to get me kicked off social security disability. It’s a pity that universal health care will probably never be a thing here in the US.

My water retention swelling has gone down a lot. Granted it took two months on lasix, but that did the trick. I retain fluids sometimes due to my congestive heart failure. So I have to limit how much water I drink every day.

I’m also eating less. The last two times I ordered a pizza, I was able to get three meals out of it. Usually get only two. I just don’t need to eat as much anymore. Overeating actually is painful to me now.

Don’t know if I’m losing weight, but I know my clothes fit a lot better than they did six months ago. I gained some weight in the first few months here in Oklahoma. After that, I changed my diet.

Found out I tend to eat more when I am cooking for myself. If someone else cooks, I almost never ask for seconds. It may seem odd for a man who’s been on his own for over 18 years as a bachelor to defer cooking duties to his parents. But I do eat less, and my clothes fit better since I changed my habits.

Now that winter is almost over, I’m finding I have strong desires to socialize more. I spent much of the winter indoors, writing, reading, researching, doing my hobbies, etc. Now I’m ready to reconnect in person.

My investment picks are doing well. I might have to sell some off soon so as to not draw the ire of social security disability. They get kind of mad when people on disability have any real kind of savings. Really sucks that I find something I’m good at and then can’t really make a living off it because, well, the cost of insurance and meds. And I refuse to get married, not that I ever was marriage material in the first damn place. Aye, so much hate.

Been following develops in AI and automation for over ten years. Been following it real close for the last two years from when I first heard of ChatGPT. I don’t think most people realize just how good AI and automation is getting. And almost no one has any real clue how good it’s going to get. This is even before Quantum Computing becomes readily available. I’m convinced Quantum Computing will be as big as AI is now within 10 years, probably sooner.

In spite of all the doom porn and sky is falling type bullshit flying around out there, I’m glad to be alive and relatively young at our current point in history. As rapid as things have changed in the last 25 years, the next 10 years will see even more change. I feel privileged to have survived congestive heart failure to see it.

I didn’t give up during heart failure even though for a while I was in so much pain I couldn’t even get out of a hospital bed on my own. They literally had to use a lift to get me from the bed to the wheelchair for the first two weeks of my treatment. But I survived.

I didn’t want to die that way. Had too much I wanted to see before I finally do shuffle off into the Great Unknown that is death. That was two years ago this May. I like what I’ve seen just in these two years. I guess it’s all material for writing at this point.

How I Spent the Pandemic and Great Reset. A Conversation We Will Be Having with Our Grandkids in the 2050s.

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Zach Foster

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If I get to tell the young kids thirty years from now about how I spent the Pandemic and Great Reset, I’m so going all George Patton inspiration speech the day before D Day on this shit. I hope you find the humor in it.

I will be able to tell my hypothetical grandkids that, “Well, your grandpappy survived the pandemic and the Great Reset of the 2010s and 2020s without getting so much as a sniffle. I was also a part of a resistance to the rising tides of authoritarianism that was rampant among his family, neighbors, and friends in Red State America. I actually convinced a few of the insanity of their ways and got them freed of the MAGA cult.”

“Grandpa also ran errands for disabled shut in neighbors while making a small profit on Robin Hood with my stimulus money. I was a fan of Wall Street bets and a Diamond Hands crazy son of a bitch named Roaring Kitty. I was a small part of the Apes and Wall Street bets and Dumb Money who helped bring down a few shady hedge fund managers and made themselves a few bucks in the process. Nothing like using the free market itself to punish the worst abusers of said free market.”

“Grandpa also survived heart failure, lost over170 pounds, moved out of rural Nebraska (yes, Grandpa was part of the ‘rural flight’ migration to urban areas) to the greener pastures and red dirt of Oklahoma City. I had some really cool friends, and actually started turning a profit with his crazy son of a bitch mad man rants.”

I won’t have to say, “Well, your granddaddy pissed away a golden opportunity to reinvent himself during the covid pandemic and Great Reset.”

Obviously, it’s not as cool as surviving the Dust Bowl and bringing down fascists and tyrants in Nazi Germany and Imperialist Japan. But I guess it’ll have to do for us “middle children of history.”

Frustrations on the Last Mile of the Journey to Freedom and Independence

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This week has been more frustrating than usual. Physically I’m doing well enough that I don’t need as many otc pain pills anymore. I sleep in my bed most nights. I’m getting more mobile. My swelling is almost gone. I never thought I’d be thrilled to be able to comfortably wear pants all day again.

So, what’s the problem you may ask. With my newfound renewed health, continuing mental stability, etc., I’m also finding I’m having a healthier desire for my freedom and independence again. In short, I’m outgrowing living in my parents’ guest wing.

I guess it was only a matter of time before this happened. I outgrew the long-term care facility in Nebraska I checked myself into back in May 2022 after only eight months.

But in those eight months, I lost over 90 pounds, got my wheelchair, got my heart issues stabilized, graduated physical therapy, had a few nurses and staff members flirt with me, and lost most of my fear of death. Not many people in their early 40s can claim they no longer have much fear of death.

Now, I love my parents. I appreciate the fact they let me live with them here in the suburbs of Oklahoma City for the last year while I got my Medicaid transferred across state lines more than words can say.

But now that things have stabilized, my wheelchair is officially paid off, and my finances are back in order, I think I’m hearing the siren cry of desiring my independence again. I guess I’m like the wounded bird whose been nursed back to health desiring to fly again or the domestic wolf hearing the call of the wild and knowing deep down that’s where he truly belongs.

I’m still on the waiting list for low-income housing in Oklahoma City. I’ve been disqualified from slightly over half of their complexes because I’m not a senior citizen. One place would have taken me except they can’t accommodate my needs (wheelchair, handicap accessible, ideally ground floor, etc.).

I’m starting to feel the old frustrations again, like I felt in the final couple months in long term care and when I was fighting my heart failure alone back in Nebraska during the pandemic. It is a frustrating feeling to know I’m doing my job but I’m not making as much progress as I could because others keep dropping the ball.

As far as going to long term care, I probably would have never had to done that in the first place had I been able to buy a wheelchair back in 2019. That’s when my mobility issues begin. My doctors in Nebraska knew I had mobility problems; my apartment complex knew I had serious mobility issues. Hell, even my family knew I had serious issues.

No one offered to help. Since I made less than 1000 dollars a month from all sources, I couldn’t afford a wheelchair on my own. Hell, I thought you needed a prescription to even buy own with your own money a few years ago. Damn gate keepers.

All it would have taken was a wheelchair heavy duty enough to support me. I could have made many of my doctors’ appointments with a wheelchair as we had handicap accessible public transit buses in my old hometown. Yet, no one bothered to listen to my problems. Hell, I’ve even had friends tell me I’m lucky to be on disability and not have to work. With friends like that, who needs enemies?

During the pandemic, I looked at wheelchairs on Amazon. Probably could have afforded one with my stimulus money. But supply chain problems were a serious issue back in those days. Hell, sometimes I couldn’t even get sanitizing wipes, masks, or even ground beef.

2020 was only four years ago, yet it seems like most people purposely block 2020 and 2021 out. I think our entire world has a collective case of PTSD from the covid pandemic and still hasn’t come to terms with millions of people dying from covid and life in general being completely disrupted. Now that we got wars going on all over the world, add those to the mix.

After a few years of struggles, I’m mostly recovered. The only thing I need now is a handicap accessible apartment. That’s the last hurdle. Even though my parents’ house has no stairs, it’s not handicap accessible. All the doors and hallways are too narrow. And my parents absolutely love to have little Knick knacks all over the house as decorations. Personally, I think of them as clutter that looks grotesque. But, since my name is not on the house’s deed, I get no say in things like that.

If I sound frosty, it’s because I’ve been overcoming challenges for a few years now and not seeing any acknowledgement from anyone who could make the last mile of the journey possible. When I first moved down to Oklahoma in February 2023, I was assured I’d have my own place by the end of summer. Here it is one year later, I’m still waiting. Hell, I wasn’t told the process of moving my Medicaid to Oklahoma wouldn’t start until I moved down here until after Christmas 2022. I guess I’ve had to fight for every square inch of ground I’ve gained in the last few years.

It upsets me that I’ve lost over 170 pounds since February 2020, got my mobility issues solved via a wheelchair, got my heart failure treated, been more stable mentally the last four years than most years (haven’t been to a mental hospital since 2013), graduated physical therapy, survived a pandemic without getting sick even once, found out I have an insane talent for picking the stock market, found Medium, and am now getting paid every month for my writings, etc., and I still don’t get much for credit for my accomplishments. Certainly not from anyone who can make my final hurdle of getting my own place possible.

God bless Robinhood, Stash, Coinbase, Wall Street Bets, etc. I love all you crazy bastards. You guys made it possible for millions of not rich people like me to make a few bucks in this worldwide game we call globalized capitalism. By the way, Dumb Money is one of my favorite movies from last year. I liked only Barbie and Oppenheimer even more. Didn’t get in on Game Stop personally but made a couple hundred bucks off Dogecoin before it went sour.

While I am proud for all I’ve accomplished and discovered in the last four or five years, it is frustrating that the people I was forced to trust on these changes haven’t been much help. Throw in a pandemic and hateful politics on top, the last five years have been one hell of an odyssey. No matter, I suppose. All of it, and I mean all of it, is now fair game for my writing.

I can say this now, but I’m actually glad I was fought every inch of the way and still wound up victorious. The bastards may have wanted me to fail and fall through the cracks, but I didn’t. Makes the achievements and the victories all the sweeter in that the people who said they would help more often than not just made shit worse and were blocking the way. No matter. I overcame despite their ineptitude, interference, and general all-around cluelessness. What can I say, on a long enough time scale you can’t keep a good person down.

What My Mental Illness is Exactly Like

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Zach Foster

Zach Foster

I have a lot of problems with paranoia and anxiety, especially around other people. I tend to read too much into people’s gestures, facial expressions, tone of voice, body language, choice of words, physical movements, etc. I can also sense the energy of an entire place, whether it’s positive vibes, negative vibes, indifferent, non threatening, etc.

I have vivid dreams, usually about my past and being lost. I also have dreams about conflict, war, the supernatural, and being in different bodies but with my mind.

I want to spend most of my time alone. Sounds are very overwhelming, especially chatter on tv, power tools, getting stuck in traffic.

Romance is impossible. I can’t read exactly what a woman is thinking. I have zero stomach for drama and conflict. I don’t believe that conflict makes relationships stronger. Never have. The few times I was intimate with my long-term girlfriend many years ago, I was just guessing at what she liked, didn’t like, etc. I read too much into unspoken cues to where I pick up several possibilities. It’s like picking up several different tv shows and static on the same channel all at once.

I was diagnosed at age 20 but started having serious problems at age 17. I decided at an early age I would never have children. I feared I would be too chaotic to be a good father and husband.

I also feel all emotions very deeply, including positive emotions. When I am happy, I’m playful and almost euphoric. When I am angry with someone, it is best I avoid them until the feeling is passed. When I get into arguments, I personalize my insults. Meaning, that I intentionally hit them in sensitive subjects and use their exact words against them, even if it was something they said several years ago.

In addition to schizophrenia, I have excellent long-term memory and am quite smart. I scored in the 130s on an IQ test as a kid. I was reading 11th grade level in 4th grade. It was easier making friends with older kids than kids my age. Even my only really good dating relationship was with a woman who was 2 years older than me.

Speaking of my ex-girlfriend, she said I shown her more passion and intensity in the eight months we were together than any other relationship she ever had, including her now failed marriage. I think she misses the passion and romance. I won’t get back with her because I don’t desire marriage and she lives hundreds of miles away.

I’ve found I tend to obsess about topics I take an interest in. I can spend months on end studying topics like investing, geopolitics, history, tech advances, science, astronomy, history of religion, philosophy, poetry, etc. This is too the point I even buy decorations for my house along with what I study. It’s why I own a pirate flag, a flag of Ancient Rome, the Knights Templar, silver coins featuring Aztec art, etc. I’ve also read many of the classics of literature, both Western and Eastern.

What exactly does schizophrenia mean? I experience everything mentally very deeply, both negative and positive. It’s why I live most of my life in my head. The outside world is often too overwhelming when coupled with what’s already going on in my very active mind.

Friends, Health, and Hobbies Turned Side Hustles

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One of my friends just got out of the hospital for seizure treatments.

A friend of mine just got back home from the hospital. She has epilepsy and her seizures are back with a vengeance. First time in several years she’s had seizures. She’s had to miss some work over the last week because of this. On top of that, her husband was recently laid off from his job because his employer lost several key contracts.

I myself am doing well. My swelling is going down. My rashes are all but gone. I’m still getting most of my sleep in the midafternoons. I’m up pretty late most nights. But late nights are good for writing and editing.

Been making a few extra bucks here and there. In addition to writing on Medium, I’m also filling out online surveys. I mean, if internet companies already have my information, I just as well get paid for some of it.

I’m losing weight again. Even though I love cooking for myself, I’ve found that I almost always eat less when someone else is doing my cooking. I’ve found out the hard way that food is my major addiction. I’m far less apt to go back for seconds when I’m not doing the cooking.