Flare Ups During The Holidays

I’m not doing well today.  I just feel irritable, paranoid, and short tempered.  I cancelled all my plans for the rest of the week.  I am no longer doing well.  I think the stress of the holidays and my home health aide work has gotten to me.  My home health aide things didn’t go well.  I had people dropping in my apartment several times a day.  It got to be too much.  I have accepted that I’m not going to get better, physically or mentally.  I don’t know why no one else can accept this.  I don’t know how much longer I have in this life, I may die of a heart attack in my forties or I may just keep limping along until old age.  I don’t know.  I’m at the point I just want to enjoy whatever time I have left.  I don’t really enjoy the company of most people.  I never have and it has only gotten worse the older I get.  I know most people think I live a terrible life or “below my potential”, but I no longer care.  I have spent most of my life worrying about what other people think and their expectations.  I am sick of it.  I have come to the conclusion that nothing I do or say will ever be good enough for anyone.  It never seems to have been before.  Hell, I can’t remember anyone ever telling me they were proud of me.  I remember many of the compliments because, well, I rarely get them.  I am tired of having to plug away all the time, day after day, year after year, and not only not make progress but not even please anyone.  It burns me to no end.  If I don’t please you or anyone else, keep it to yourself.  I no longer care.  I’m tired of fighting a fight that, even if I win, the victory won’t be good enough for anyone.