I’m not doing well today. I just feel irritable, paranoid, and short tempered. I cancelled all my plans for the rest of the week. I am no longer doing well. I think the stress of the holidays and my home health aide work has gotten to me. My home health aide things didn’t go well. I had people dropping in my apartment several times a day. It got to be too much. I have accepted that I’m not going to get better, physically or mentally. I don’t know why no one else can accept this. I don’t know how much longer I have in this life, I may die of a heart attack in my forties or I may just keep limping along until old age. I don’t know. I’m at the point I just want to enjoy whatever time I have left. I don’t really enjoy the company of most people. I never have and it has only gotten worse the older I get. I know most people think I live a terrible life or “below my potential”, but I no longer care. I have spent most of my life worrying about what other people think and their expectations. I am sick of it. I have come to the conclusion that nothing I do or say will ever be good enough for anyone. It never seems to have been before. Hell, I can’t remember anyone ever telling me they were proud of me. I remember many of the compliments because, well, I rarely get them. I am tired of having to plug away all the time, day after day, year after year, and not only not make progress but not even please anyone. It burns me to no end. If I don’t please you or anyone else, keep it to yourself. I no longer care. I’m tired of fighting a fight that, even if I win, the victory won’t be good enough for anyone.
Dec is probably the worst month I have for flare ups as well. Holidays have never been a happy time for me either. I’ve also felt like I fell short of what I was supposed to be doing at this stage in my life. For now I’m just soldiering on, working on things a little bit at a time. I’ve taken to just treating the holidays and Christmas in particular as “regular day, more places closed”.
Sometimes pressing onward is enough to keep me not dwelling on what could have been. After a few days of disconnecting and decluttering, I think I’m back on the right track. Some days are tougher than others. Now the holidays are past, I feel more relief. I’m ready to face the winter. Spring has always been my favorite time of year. Fall is my second favorite as I like watching football and I enjoy the change of seasons and chilly weather.
I’m so sorry you’re having a rough time. I have been following you for I think about a year now. I know you have made some positive changes to your health. Eating better and weight lifting. I think these changes will help you keep healthy. Please don’t worry about dying. I know you will be okay. You should be proud of yourself. You’re an educated and talented writer. You have many gifts. If anything, I’m proud of you. I hope you recover from this difficult time. I’m sure you will. I think being thankful for what you have (shelter, food, family, not bad health) may help you think of the good side of things. I wish you a peaceful and joyful holiday!
Thank you for the encouragement. I sometimes need it myself. Overall I am feeling better after a couple days of unwinding. I am grateful for the positive changes I have been able to make in 2019. Hope I can make a few more in 2020 and beyond. The 2010s have been indeed interesting. And every indication I’ve seen states that the 2020s will be even more so. Stay tuned, it will get only more eventful and interesting 🙂