Been feeling quite anxious the last several days. I didn’t realize how anxiety stricken I was until I took an emergency anti anxiety medication. I slept for several hours. Even though I missed a couple ball games I wanted to watch on Saturday night, I slept very well. It was the best I slept in weeks. It was one of those sleeps that was so deep you had no clue how long you were down for. As it was, I was down for over five hours. When I woke, I felt a calmness and peace I hadn’t felt in weeks. I felt quite weird in the fact it was also 1:30 am and I felt all this peace and confidence I hadn’t felt in a while. So I’m now waiting on a load of laundry to finish and it’s 3 am my time on Sunday morning.
I now fear that much of my avoidance of people and feelings that people were more irritable than usual were due to me being anxious and more sensitive than most people lately. I have always had an uncanny ability to pick up on other people’s feelings and vibes even as a child. I could sometimes sense their feelings almost as soon as they could. Naturally this caused me to over read many of my family and friends. Anxiety is part of the mental illness. And I had been more sensitive to it than usual for much of this summer. While the anti anxiety medication and long sleep helped, I now want to take active steps to warding off hurtful anxiety. I now realize how paralyzed by my own fear I am. That’s probably why I avoid socializing in person as much as possible. Other than chit chat with neighbors when I check my mail or meet the delivery man to sign for my deliveries, most of my in person interaction came when my cleaning lady came to my house once a week.
She usually comes on Thursdays, so those were getting to be my favorite days of the week, at least until fall started and college football got going. It is an exciting year of football for me. My Huskers, while not in the championship picture, are now at 3 wins and 1 loss, and that loss was an overtime one. I feel a sense of hope and pride in my home state team I hadn’t felt in several years. I think it made a lot of people happy that Scott Frost, our coach, has a winning track record at his previous jobs and is a Nebraska alum and grew up in a small farming town in state. I hope we continue to improve. I don’t know if the glory days of my youth will ever return, but it is encouraging that the alumni and fans still support the team even though it’s been twenty years since we won a championship. I don’t know anywhere else that has that kind of unwavering support.
Overall, I’m starting to feel more confident and energetic. That anxiety will mess with a person real bad if left unchecked. I hate to think most of my problems are due to anxiety problems I was not addressing. But that is how strong our minds are. Our minds are powerful enough it can make anxiety as real as the air we breathe and the food we eat. And anxiety does effect physical health. I had felt aches and pains, especially in my lower back. I still feel those some but I can now push through them. Sometimes getting outside help can make all the difference. It can be tough to seek medical help or assistance from even a trusted doctor. I don’t know how much of that is my illness talking or me being a man or what. It can be tough to ask for help, especially when I am often able to solve my own problems and have a knack for helping others solve their issues. But I definitely read too much into other people, especially those I’m close to. But the mind, even an ill one, is very powerful in that it can sometimes make or break our realities.