Been quite depressed the last several days. My dad seriously hurt his back and can barely walk. So he’s more depressed than usual. My teacher friend had to have emergency surgery for a hernia and had to miss a week of work. He didn’t take it very well that he has to take it easy for six weeks. But he’s always been active and even finished a few marathons in his younger years. He’s now in his early 40s and I think he’s starting to get unexpected aches and pains. My unexpected aches and pains started in my late 30s. I went from being able to walk 3 miles per day every day to getting winding going up a flight of stairs within only a few weeks. And even though I’ve lost over 190 pounds in the last three years, the stamina isn’t coming back. Neither is the chronic pain in both of my knees and tailbone ever truly gone away inspite the weight loss.

My friend out in Denver is in chronic pain due to fibomyalga and migranes to where she can barely function some days. She lost a job a year ago because of using too much sick time. She also has frequent panic attacks and crippling depression. She fears that she’ prediabetic because of how much sugar and carbs affect her. At her rate of decline, I fear she will have to go on disability within the next several years. And she’s my age. She rarely returns my texts or emails but I think it’s because she’s so depressed about everything. My dad is really depressed from most of his friends and extended family already dying. He’s actually scared to get close to anyone anymore. It’s really heartbreaking watching all the people I love and care about decline. I understand why older people are often grumpy and pessimistic. I just fear I will become that way eventually even though I actively fight against it.

I now recognize there are a few things I miss about the long term care facility. The biggest one is being around younger, energetic, and positive people who were my friends in addition to being my care givers. A couple of the younger ladies on the night staff were so friendly with me even early on I feared they were flirting with me. But no, they were just that nice and positive all the time. Even though I don’t miss being around lots of sick people and having no privacy, I do miss the friends I made in the eight months I was there. I found it easy to make friends with the staff, most of whom were in their twenties and thirties. Several are now facebook friends. But I made more friends in eight months in that small town hospital than I made in the previous ten years of living in low income housing. First time in my entire life I was around people younger than me for long periods of time. It was refreshing and gave me hope for the future. I guess I had forgotten what it was like to be young, healthy, and full of energy. When I was in college, my closest friends graduated a couple years ahead of me. Most of my friends are older than me today. Even every woman I ever went on a date with was older than me. The apartment complex I’m going to is mostly for senior citizens and disabled people. So I will likely be one of the youngest residents there. I imagine there are separate complexs for low income people with children and too young to be considered elders. But, since I will be living with older tenants, I hope much of the problems with noise, drug abuse, partying, and loud music will be kept to a minimum. I just hope I can keep in touch with my new found friends from the long term care hospital. Being around sick and declining people, even watching my friends decline, can make me feel hopeless and cynical. I don’t want to be hopeless and cynical. I don’t want to live my life in fear even though I have several chronic illnesses that will probably never be cured. I spent my life becoming wise and well rounded. Now it’s time to cash in and share some of that knowledge.

I’m normally not very nostalgic for the old days, but even I have to admit that there are things about getting older that I don’t like and or wasn’t prepared for. So here goes

Seeing my parents become elderly and knowing they probably have only a few more years at most left.

Being bothered more by loud noises and music. Even the phone ringing or my mom knocking on my door startles me more than it did when I was in my twenties. Loud music bothers me too. I quit going to see live concerts when the music got too loud for me, the crowds became less manageable, and I found out I can listen to the same music for free in my own house using Spotify and Youtube.

Not being able to make friends as easily as in college. Most of the friends I have now I’ve had for more than 20 years. I actually made more friends among the staff of my long term care hospital than I did in the previous 10 years.

Chronic knee pain. Be kind to your joints kids, you’ll miss them when they go bad. Mine went really bad when I was 37 and they haven’t come back since. And it just sneaked up on me. One day I was able to walk three miles a day like it was nothing. The next, I couldn’t make it up three flights of stairs without being too short of breath to talk.

Socializing is a lot tougher in your forties than your teens and twenties, especially for those of us without children or careers.

I don’t like the fact that the more I have aged, the more I just want to stay home and be left alone. I no longer have the energy to go out and try new restaurants, go to the zoo, or travel. So glad I did a lot of that in my younger years.

I don’t like that, between chronic knee pain and heart failure, my body has fallen apart yet my mind is sharper than ever. I now understand why elders are sometimes more grumpy than younger people.

I don’t like that I have come to dislike most people anymore and want to just be left alone in my older years. If it’s like this when I’m 42, how bad will I be at 60? I hope I never become one of those jaded old people who hat everything and everyone. But maybe it’s inevitable.

Even in my forties, I find it harder to keep up with the world changing all around me than I did in my twenties. I didn’t really notice changes when I was that age. But even though I devout a significant amount of my time following science, tech, and geopolitics, I still feel like I can’t keep up with everything. I am still accepting of most changes even if I don’t understand them. I’m just glad that enough people do.

It now blows my mind that many of the star athletes competing now weren’t even born yet when I was in high school. I still have a hard time with Shaq doing auto insurance ads or Michael Jordan being in his sixties.

It also blows my mind that we now have some politicians younger than I am. Most of the science and tech innovators are now younger than I am. Also, most of the musicians I listened to in high school are now dead or in their sixties. Heck, I once heard Van Halen being played as background music at my pharmacy. And this was several years ago.

There were some things about my parents and grandparents generations that I was critical about in my youth, namely fighting pointless wars, the rising cost of living while wages didn’t keep up, and the lack of urgency concerning environmental destruction and resource depletion. Now that I’m middle age, I imagine my teenage nephews and niece are critical about some of the things my generation is doing now that we are the bulk of workers and voters. Maybe they hate us for doing less to stop mass shootings, maybe they hate us for making social media a toxic place, maybe they blame us for the US being in decline, maybe they hate us for outsourcing and automating all the high paying factory jobs, maybe they hate us for being more hands on parents than what our parents in the 80s were. Sheesh, some kids are already nostalgic for the music, movies, and fashions of the 80s and 90s the same way I was nostalgic for the music, movies, civil rights movements, and space race of the 60s. I also think the kids are as blown away by their grandparents stories of the 60s, the protests, and the Vietnam War the same way my generation was blown away by our grandparents stories of the Depression and World War 2. And I bet kids growing up today will blame their parents (people my age) for climate change, pandemic, and the possibility of a major world war if they aren’t already.

I also miss being able to hang out with my friends at least once a day. All my friends now live hundreds of miles away. Most have families. All have careers. Since I have neither, I find it hard to find things to relate to them with. It’s kind of hard to relate to my friend getting told off by her boss because I have no boss because of my illness. But I am glad I made the friends that I did. I’m also glad I kept in contact with them over the years.

I also fear that as I get older, my health will only get worse no matter how much weight I lose. I don’t look forward to that. I’m already having some pains all the time and I’m only 42. Some of my friends from college are already dead.

I also fear that the older I get, the tougher it will get to understand and adapt to the changes in tech, social norms, and the world in general. I fear it will make me a bitter old out of touch man who hates everything and everyone. I promised myself when I was younger I would never become that man, or at least not take my frustrations out on younger, healthier people. I never want to be that old man who yells at kids for walking on his lawn.

Been reading A LOT of articles about automation the last several weeks. ChatGPT blew me away. I read that it can now write college level essays and pass the bar exam. Maybe lawyers will get replaced by machines much like factory workers have been replaced by robotics for decades now. Saw an article just this afternoon that McDonald’s is now opening restaurants serviced completely by robots.

Naturally, some people are complaining about automation. Seems like it’s mostly older people who never worked in fast food in the first place. Personally I think it’s about high time we automate most of these things. I hated working in fast food, mainly because of the disrespect I got from the public and my bosses. The low pay didn’t help either. I used to get anxiety attacks every day before I went into work the summer I worked fast food. Used to vomit from this anxiety. Naturally my parents didn’t care. But, then, neither ever worked in fast food.

Even the Chinese are now automating and outsourcing a lot of their good paying factory jobs. Things like that tend to happen when workers start demanding higher wages and higher quality of life. Just youtube “Laying Flat.” It isn’t no longer just the Western countries with disinfranchised young people. I liked factory work even though I never could adapt to working overnight five nights a week and sleep during the day. I turned in my resignation once the powers that be at the factory refused to transfer me to day shift. I liked factory work because the pay was better, I didn’t have to deal with the public, I got more respect from friends and family, and they let me work with power tools. I probably would have never had to go on disability had I been able to keep that job, at least until the heart failure showed up. But my bosses refused to transfer me to day shift. Since we weren’t unionized, I had no one backing me up.

But, factory work has gone the way of the dinosaurs, at least for most people in the USA. Most people I know who work fast food and retail do so out of a lack of options. College is no longer affordable and a degree no longer guarantees anything besides student debt that cannot be discharged through bankruptcy. I know that the trades are being heavily pushed now, but I fear that even those wages will collapse within twenty years much like the wages of office jobs because the market will get oversaturated. It may not be the case now, but wait a few years. The trades are starting to make the same mistakes the colleges did twenty five years ago. Granted, it will take several years to play out. But, we will have a glut of plumbers and electricians if college continues to be unaffordable without debt or office jobs continue to require college degrees. I gives me hope that some tech companies no longer require college degrees. But even they are heavily automating. Why else would Google and Amazon be laying off thousands of workers even with high profits? Even McDonalds and Wal Mart are going heavy into automation. It’s the robots, stupid.

Most people I know are not happy about automation. But, then, most people I know aren’t happy already. First they complain about the “damn kids” wanting 15 bucks an hour to flip hamburgers. Now they are complaining about machines taking those jobs. Used to be a carpenter could support a family of six kids, own a house, not need a degree, or need the wife to work outside of the house. Not the kids’ fault that wages haven’t kept up with inflation for over 40 years. Not the kids’ fault that there is a shortage of affordable homes. Do you know why kids are opting out of marriage and family, they can’t afford families. It ain’t because they are lazy and stupid. You can’t manage what you don’t have to begin with. Same “damn kids” wanting 15 an hour to work fast food would have been working unionized factory jobs in large numbers with pensions and health insurance in the 1950s. The kids haven’t changed, the world around them is.

I guess I’m one of those adults who has empathy for young people. I worked hard my entire life yet I was still damned as a slacker and entitled by my elders even in grade school. I hated it. I still have bad memories from it. That is why now that I’m an elder, I refuse to complain about kids. I vowed I would never pull that kind of crap that was pulled on me if I ever made it to old age. Besides, elders and kids have hated each other for thousands of years.

Personally I welcome automation and AIs. Most people I know hate their jobs. So why be afraid when a machine can do it better? Probably because of the loss of identity and income. But that kind of crap happens when you wrap your entire identity into what you do for money and bosses outsource and automate jobs every time workers strike for higher wages. The bosses and consumers don’t respect the workers even more than the workers don’t respect the jobs. I get so damn sick and tired trying to explain this to people. I lost my career and family to mental illness through no fault of my own much like people lost jobs due to outsourcing and automation. Yet people like me are seen as a leech on society because we don’t do a dead end job that pays poverty level wages that can already be done better by a machine. Hell, I have a friend in Denver who makes over 50 grand a year and yet she can’t afford even a one bedroom house. My grandfather never made more than that yet retired a millionaire. The times changed. We adapt or become historical road kill. God knows I had to adapt to a life without work and a family and my own home. Yet I made my peace with it.

I had this seventh grade teacher who loved to crow on about the “cold cruel world” and how much being an adult was going to be awful. Personally, I’m enjoying my adulthood a hell of a lot more than I ever enjoyed being a kid. And that is even with schizophrenia, bad knees, and heart failure. Just because she hated her job, she thought every kid was damned to be the same way. Granted most people I know hate their jobs. I can understand why with the low wages and disrespect from the public at large and the lack of loyalty from employers. In some ways, I thank God for being disabled in my twenties as opposed to later in my life. I wanted to go into pharmacy when I was a teenager. I’m glad I didn’t make it. Pharmacy is one of those jobs that will get automated before too many years. Some hospitals already have robots refilling prescriptions. And many people get their meds mailed to their houses through distribution centers I imagine are automated. In short, I think if I had to lose my career, it’s best that I did in my twenties when I was still physically healthy enough to adapt. I didn’t have a career or a family due to my schizophrenia. It was brutal going through the adaptation process. But at least I won’t be losing a job when I have kids and am too old to adapt. Not getting married and not having kids because of my illness were the best things I ever did.

We already have the technology and know how to automate millions of jobs and still give unemployed people a resonably decent standard of living. I’m living proof. I just think our politics, economics, and attitudes towards work and life balance haven’t caught up yet. I love studying economics, but I have rarely heard any economist talk about automation and AI. Captialism succeeded beyond Adam Smith’s wildest dreams. It’s succeeded so much that we can now automate a good deal of the work. Sure, some jobs in the trades and medical won’t be automated for a long time. But we simply no longer need 80 percent of workers in factories or farms like we did one hundred years ago. Our politics, economics, education, and social norms haven’t caught up to the science and tech we already have. And laws against AI research won’t work. It’s no longer just the US and Europe that have good tech. That genie left the bottle a long time ago. Isolation and turning our backs on the world will only guarantee the nations that do this will lose the future. We ignore the rest of the world at our own risk. We ignore technology at our own personal risk. People complaining about automation are historical road kill and not even delaying the inevitable by one day. And I hope machines take most jobs if it makes the cost of living lower. Besides, I’ve listened to people gripe and moan about how much they hate their jobs my entire life. Happiest people I know are children and retirees. I wonder why. Thank God I can’t work. End of rant.

Getting around without a walker for the most part. I use my wheelchair only when I leave the house. The weight loss has stalled out for the last couple of weeks. I’m not gaining or losing weight. My sleep pattern is changing too. I need less sleep and I stay up much later now. I tend to stay awake longer when the weather warms up. I had an interview with a home health nursing agency. They went over my complete medical history. It took a couple of hours. I have an interview with social security tomorrow to see if I can get my pension increased since circumstances have changed.

I’m still waiting for my own place. I’m getting around well enough I think I can live on my own now. I am on the waiting lists for over a dozen places here in the Oklahoma City area. But I have no idea how long it will take. I’ve been denied a few places already because I’m not a senior citizen.

I sometimes get bored with the wait. There’s only so many computer games and books I can read before I get burned out.

The weather turned chilly today. I decided to spend the day inside. I guess winter isn’t completely over yet. My parents ran some errands and were gone most of the afternoon. I got along just fine alone. I sometimes feel better when I am alone than when I am around people.

I’m still losing weight. Lost 10 pounds since I moved to Oklahoma. I can walk anywhere in the house now without a walker. I use my wheelchair only when I leave the house. My blood pressure is still under control and I’m starting to need less sleep. Most nights I’m asleep by 10pm and wake up in the middle of the night. Most nights I sleep part of the night in my recliner. Seems to help with knee pains.

Mentally I’ve been stable for weeks. I haven’t had any flare ups since I moved. I sometimes get bored with the wait on a place to come open. I’m ready for my own place again. I guess I never lost my independence streak even in the facility. I’m glad to be out of long term care. I’m walking alot more now. I don’t use my walker or wheelchair in the house anymore. In fact, I haven’t used my walker at all in the last few weeks.

Boredom can get to be a problem. I used to remedy this by going to bed early. But that is not an option anymore as I no longer sleep alot. Most nights I sleep eight hours a night. I usually sleep five hours in my bed and three hours in my recliner. I still have knee pain from laying in bed for too long.

Mornings are always the roughest. They have gotten easier as the knee pain has decreased. I used to hurt so bad in the mornings I had to stretch for several minutes to get going. Now it’s only a couple of minutes. Sleeping in the recliner helps alleviate the knee pains. I probably should sleep in the recliner on a regular basis rather than just half of the night.

I guess the more mobile I get, the more I want to do. I don’t like just sitting down and watching tv for hours on end. I need to keep my mind occupied. Computer games help with this. But even I get burned out on computer games occasionally. I still read audiobooks. I still watch youtube videos, especially educational ones.

I have no idea how long it will take for a low income apartment to come open. I’ve been on waiting lists for months now. Hopefully I’m moving up the list. I’m just anxious to get my own place and get back out on my own again. I miss my freedom and privacy.

It’s been a good last few days here in Oklahoma City. The sun is out and I got to spend most of the morning outside. I’m sleeping more in my recliner lately. Seems to be easier on my knees. I’m still losing weight. Lost almost 10 pounds since I moved here. I get up and walk some every day. I can walk anywhere in the house now. I use my wheelchair only when I’m not in the house. My knees hurt less and less with each passing week. I don’t breathe as hard when I walk as I did when I first moved here. Sometimes I get bored and restless. I’m getting to where I want to do more than just play computer games and listen to audiobooks all day. I’m glad the weather is changing for the better. I’m ready to be done with winter.

I’m still waiting on low income housing to come open. Probably will be waiting on that for another few months. I know I can live on my own given the right circumstances. I can walk anywhere inside the house now. I can get in and out of the pickup without problems. I still have knee pain in the morning when I get out of bed. But even that is starting to clear up some.

I’m still losing weight. Currently the lightest I’ve been since 2014. My mobility is starting to come back. I can walk anywhere in the house without much problems. I can get in my dad’s pickup without issues. I get outside a couple times a week. Other than some bad storms on Sunday, it’s been nice down here for the last week. The city blew the storm sirens on Sunday as there were a few tornadoes in the Oklahoma City metro area. We saw mostly bad winds and lightning.

Got to go sight seeing a couple of days ago. Saw the house where my brother lives, got to see where my nephews and niece go to school and have their soccer practices. Ate at a Chick fil A, it’s pretty good. First time I ever ate Chick fil A. And got to visit some of the stores were my parents shop. Haven’t really been much of anywhere besides church until that morning outing.

My knees hurt less and less all the time. The only real problem is still in the morning. My knees get stiff and sore if I go too long without standing. And since I can’t sleep standing up, I guess the only way to remedy this is to keep losing weight.

The meals I’m eating now are slightly bigger than what I got at the facility. I’m still used to eating small meals. Some days I’ll skip lunch or supper because I’m still full from the previous meal.

I’ve gotten to where I can walk to the pickup without a walker or wheelchair. I have less pain now than usual. It’s weird being able to walk short distances without a walker again. Makes me realize what I missed out on during the times I was homebound.

I’m still reading audiobooks. Currently working on The Foundation by Isaac Asimov as well as a couple of finance books. Reading regular books too. Currently working on Democracy in America by Alexis de Touchaville. It’s a classic. If anyone wants to truly understand the politics, culture, and development of America, I highly recommend it even though it’s a long read at over 900 pages.

Some days I’ll put on an audiobook while playing computer games. Next thing I know three hours have passed and I’m halfway through an audiobook. It gets me my gaming and knowledge fixes at the same time I guess.

Listening to more music too. Sometimes listening to some of the material I liked back in the 90s and 2000s is cheap therapy. I forgot how good some of that music really was. Either that or it’s my nostalgia talking. I refuse to degrade any music listened to by young people. Maybe I just took the criticism I took in my younger years too personally. But I promised myself if I ever became an elder, I wouldn’t complain about the kids. Now that I’m middle aged, I have a chance to fulfil my promise.

In September 2021 I was diagnosed with congestive heart failure. That explained why my feet and knees always hurt, why I was always short of breath, why my feet and ankles were swollen, why I had to urinate frequently, and why my blood pressure was so bad. I am saddened I wasn’t diagnosed sooner, but then covid was going full swing for almost two years before hand.

I have made my peace with the fact that I might die from this. Part of helping me make my peace with a possible early death came with going back to church services again. I am so thankful for online church as it’s sometimes tough for me to leave the house because of the heart failure and resulting limited mobility. I still have problems walking short distances without a walker. It is a bitter pill to swallow thinking I won’t live long enough to see cool things like colonies on the moon, people on Mars, really smart AI, green energy becoming a major part of the power grid, etc. But I guess it doesn’t matter the years of life if you had lots of life in your years.

I don’t have much for regrets about my life. I read many of the famous classics that most people only mention by name. I saw my Rockies play in the World Series. Got to see my Huskers have dominating football teams in my younger years. I fell in love a few times. I’m still best friends with my best friend from high school even though we’ve seen each other in person only a handful of times since age 18. I thank social media for that, first with myspace, and then later with facebook. I graduated from college even with a serious mental illness. I had some of my writing published. I actually made some money from my writing. I was even interviewed by local media for my writings a few times. I lived on my own for seventeen years even with schizophrenia.

Most of the things I do regret came from the mental illness, not from a lack of trying. I do regret not getting married and having kids, but the mental illness would have made this impossible, especially since I can’t hold a full time job.

I have come to accept that yes, I probably will die younger than normal with my heart failure. But I believe in the after life and am grateful I lived a good life with the life I have. It could be several years before I die, I don’t know. But I am grateful for having the opportunity to chase my dreams, even if I did come up short. Most of the coming up short was due to my various chronic illnesses.

There are worse things than an early death. I’ve been fighting mental illness for over twenty years. Been fighting heart failure for a few years now. Not sure if I have enough left in the tank to go another twenty years with mental illness, let alone mental illness with congestive heart failure. But it’s all right. I don’t have many regrets.

I’ve been in Oklahoma for almost two weeks. I can now walk anywhere in the house. I use my wheelchair only when I’m outside. I’m lifting weights three times a week. I make it a point to stand up at least once an hour. I usually sleep in my recliner as it’s easier on my back and knees. I’m staying up to at least 930 most nights. I’m still not used to staying up late. Some of my meds make me sleepy.

I qualified for food stamps. I’m getting an Oklahoma bank account sometime this week. I’m also going to the park when we have a warm weather day. I shower with the help of a shower chair. My medicaid is in the process of transferring to Oklahoma. I’m on the waiting list for several low income housing units. I specifically requested handicap accessible. I don’t use my wheelchair in the house partly because the halls are too narrow to easily navigate and I’m trying to rebuild my walking endurance. I didn’t walk many places in my nursing home as things were far enough apart to use a wheelchair. But I get up and walk several times a day now, mostly short distances. I’m having less pains in my knees. I still walk kind of stiff but even that is coming back.

Attended church each of the last two weeks. It feels good to be going back and socializing regularly again. I usually weigh myself only twice per week. I’m still losing weight. Granted the progress doesn’t seem to be very fast when I’m lost in the day to day grinds. But last May I couldn’t stand up for longer than 5 seconds without the pain being unbearable.

Hard to believe we are halfway done with February. My medications have been filled here in Oklahoma. My Nebraska Medicaid has been shut down, so I can now get Oklahoma Medicaid. I sent off an application for food stamps. I submitted applications for several low income housing units in the Oklahoma City area. I’m getting up and walking more than I did in the nursing home. I went to church on Sunday. And I got my mailing address transferred to Oklahoma.

I’m still losing weight. Watching my diet close. Still on fluid restrictions. The only time I have problems with incontenece is when I’m asleep. Woke up with some knee pain this morning that quickly cleared up. Most of my meds are only once a day, and usually in the morning. I’m almost out of the meds sent by my old pharmacy in Nebraska. But I got replacements ordered and delivered already.

Saw some of the Super Bowl the other day. Since the Broncos didn’t make playoffs I really didn’t follow them this year. I watched mainly for my mom’s cheese and meat dip. I still go to bed quite early, sometimes when it’s still light out. I still sleep like 10 to 12 hours a night, more than I would like. I still limit my caffeine intake. Haven’t had coffee in over a week.