At the end of 2022, while I was still in Genoa for therapy for heart failure, I made a few goals for the year 2023. One of those goals was to get out of long-term care and move to Oklahoma with the rest of my family. That I accomplished.
I decided I wanted to write more. That I am doing. Moved some of my old material to sites where I actually make a few bucks from my writings. Medium is one of those sites.
I had a third goal of organizing some of my older writings and get ready to have some of them published on Amazon or another such service. The editing is all done. Still considering my options.
One goal I didn’t accomplish was finding my own apartment. But then, I rather enjoy living in the suburbs. While I have made a lot of friends in my online writing groups, they still aren’t the same as getting to see someone in person. Overall, for me, 2023 has been a good year. Been the best year of the 2020s so far. I would definitely go for not going through a pandemic or surviving a near death experience again anytime soon.
New Year’s Eve has long been one of my favorite holidays. As a teenager I went to New Year’s Eve dances all the time with my best friend and her two sisters. The next morning I’d usually binge watch football bowl games while enjoying the last of the Christmas break from high school.
In the mid 2000s, after I moved out on my own, I lived in a small college town. I used to go to the local dive bars as most were hosting live music. Most years I made a point to leave shortly before midnight just to beat the after-midnight crowd and drunk drivers. Gave this tradition up in the mid 2010s as it became obvious that most of my friends had moved on, gotten married, etc.
But New Year’s is still a time for reflections and hope for the new year. I don’t read much about those who say New Year’s Resolutions are a waste of time and effort. So what if they are? It’s still fun to reflect on the past twelve months and make predictions for the next twelve months.
The last several years have been rough for most people. Most of us have changed due to world events and personal struggles. I don’t even recognize the person I was ten years ago. If you were to tell me about the changes and hardships that I would encounter in the next ten years back then, I wouldn’t have believed that I would have survived those changes. Most people have no clue what they are capable of surviving.
Today is Christmas Eve. Probably won’t be doing much of anything for the holiday as both of my elderly parents have covid. I’m surprised that I haven’t caught it, at least yet. I’ve been avoiding them as much as possible. Covid while mentally ill and with heart issues could be a bad mix.
Holidays have been bittersweet for me in recent years. I miss the family gatherings from many years ago. But I am afraid of going to family functions anymore. Most of my family are deeply involved with politics and current events and don’t share my concerns about much of anything. Some of my family don’t even have sympathy for disabled people or believe that mental illness even exists. It’s why I haven’t voluntarily been to a family dinner since 2017.
I’ve found that as I age, my paranoia about people has gotten only worse. Naturally, my friends don’t understand. My best friend was hostile about it when I opened up to her about it just yesterday. But then, she has her own problems and is frequently pissed off anyway. That’s an entire series of stories by itself.
I do miss the family gatherings when things were more calm. I miss eating sugar cookies. I miss watching the kids play with their new gifts. I miss venturing out and looking at Christmas decorations. I miss people in general being more hopeful and helpful during the holiday seasons.
A lot has changed for me in 2023. I graduated from physical therapy for my heart issues. Moved out of rural Nebraska and into my parents’ guest wing in suburban Oklahoma City. Adjusted to new doctors and treatments. I still need the wheelchair whenever I leave the house.
I’ve also gotten to witness my parents as elderly people. It’s tough watching my parents sometimes be forgetful, have a hard time hearing, not having much of a social life outside of church. And now both of my parents have covid.
For myself, I’ve had to come to the acceptance that I might never regain my full mobility. This is easier for me to accept than it is for my friends. I’ve also come to accept that I have deep agoraphobia and almost never want to go anywhere. Complete change from my twenties and thirties.
My oldest friendship is all but dead at this point. She blames her dark moods, lack of energy, bad health, and general cynicism on menopause. But I think it’s deeper than that. When I suggested she seek professional help, she came unglued enough I thought the friendship was over. Another close friend of mine is going to spend the next few years in prison. I won’t talk about it so don’t ask.
In the last several years, I’ve lost contact with probably 80 percent of my extended family due to politics and current events. Two of my old college friends have died. My last grandparent died in 2015. Three of my best friends in my old apartment complex back in Kearney, Nebraska have died. I came close to getting evicted from my apartment due to my health issues. Don’t ask, I refuse to talk about that either.
As far as my own health issues go, I survived two near fatal bouts of heart failure. Also lost over 170 pounds. Been able to avoid going to a mental hospital for 10 years now. I can now walk without knee or back pain. Granted it took a daily healthy dose of supplements like Glucosamine, Turmeric, and Hemp Oil for those pains to finally clear up after four years. Still working on getting my heart back into healthy condition.
After surviving a near death experience, recovering from heart failure, being healthy enough mentally to not have to change my psych regiment for several years, I feel pretty decent physically and mentally. Not where I want to end up yet, but I think I am on the right track.
One of my happiest achievements of2023 is finding Medium.com. I treat it kind of like social media for writers. I love the fact that I can do what I love, writing essays and stories, and actually make a few bucks off it. Been on only since early September and have already turned a profit. And I don’t even deal with that many trolls. Heck of a lot better deal than most social media. Screw you Facebook and twitter (I refuse to call it ‘X’).
I confess I have different ways of learning and processing information than most people. And that has gotten me in much trouble over the years, especially while at a workplace. I never could read people’s body language well enough to be good at socializing. I can’t tell what they think just by watching them.
However, I can read through the lines of what they write. I have always been a much better reading learner than a hands-on learner. The reason I never became as good with my hands as I am with my mind is that I couldn’t see diagrams or what I was doing. And I never got enough repetition in to get good.
Such a Troublesome Child
It always frustrated my teachers, bosses, and even family that it took more repetition for me to learn something than most people. But once I learned the skill, I remember it for life. I think I was given up on by teachers and employers too early in some cases because it takes me longer to learn through doing than most people. But once I learned something through doing, I have never forgotten it.
Even though I am pretty intelligent in some ways, I never did get the top grades in school or most of the accolades at work. Did well enough that I gave my teachers and bosses that false hope I could be a superstar student or employee.
Not Fitting the Normal
Yet, because of my mental make up being so much different than the norm, I couldn’t develop my skills fast enough for my employers and teachers to really see my potential. Never could read a teacher well enough to know what was on a test. Had to study the entire subject. It will make you well grounded in a subject, like biology or history, but it is not conducive to getting good scores on tests.
Likewise at work, I couldn’t read my bosses, coworkers, or customers very well. Certainly, couldn’t the first time I met them or even the first few. Like I said, it takes me more repetition to learn things than many people. Yet, once that knowledge is learned, it is learned for life.
Learning Comes Through Many Reptations of The Basics
Still remember many of the plays we used in football games and practice simply because our coaches believed heavily in repetition and details. I loved that kind of take on sport. Didn’t want to be fancy or eye catching, just wanted to win.
Yet because I couldn’t learn the way my bosses and clients preferred; I didn’t make a very good employee. For years I was convinced I was defective and was damaged goods. I believed it so much it’s why I went on disability insurance in spite having a college degree and good intelligence test scores.
Right Tools, Wrong Applications
I may have the natural brain power many employers are looking for. Yet, the way my mind works and learns is not what gets a person ahead at a job, most of which are service sector jobs. Attention to details and thoroughly learning your field was the way to go for a renaissance era craftsman or a high-end scholar.
Good luck finding those jobs today. I have ability, talent, and intelligence. Have a gift for learning new things. I remember those new things my entire life. In many ways I am far smarter now than I was when I graduated college in 2004.
Many Trials and Many Errors Lead to Knowledge
I became smarter because I found out through trial and much error how I effectively learned. I learn by reading and by doing many times, not by listening to a lecture or two and doing a few trial runs. It does take me longer to learn the basics than most people. But I remember the basics far longer. And I can build upon those basics to even incorporating some of my own takes on work tasks and ideas.
Sure, it is an odd way to learn. It is also one most teachers and employers especially don’t like. I lost more jobs than most people have had in a fifty-year career simply because my learning style didn’t fit modern corporate or service sector styles.
A Mind is a Terrible Thing to Waste
Have to wonder how many millions of people just in our day and age that live lives of quiet desperation and poverty yet would be model employees, crafts people, or business managers but never get the chance mainly because they learn things in different ways.
Met a handful of people in my life that were on the Autism spectrum. Some of them were extremely intelligent. Yet most of them struggled socially and especially at work. This was primarily because the learning styles and communication didn’t match up with the culture around them.
I think that things we classify as mental illness like schizophrenia, bipolar, autism, etc., have always been with our species. It just wasn’t as much of a disadvantage in a less structured Stone Age.
Tribute to the Square Pegs being forced into Round Holes
I imagine the first medicine men, shamans, astronomers, and priests were men and women who would be considered mentally ill by modern standards. But they had a different way of learning and looking at the world than most other people. And it helped to eventually launch civilizations.
It’s the eccentrics, the odd fellows, and odd ladies who took our species from only a few thousand wanderers to the billions who are making plans of colonizing other planets. Providing we don’t screw up this transition, who knows what the human species will be capable of given thousands of years.
Because of the oddballs who, while scorned and condemned among their contemporaries, led the way forward out of the Ice Age caves to now standing at the entry way to the cosmos.
My Personal Odd Fellow Journey
Been a long and strange journey. It’s one I hope is only entering a new phase rather than reaching its climax and decline. The choice is up to us who are currently alive and how much we chose to nurture those who don’t think like the norm.
I will never be one of these innovators who profoundly changes the world. I am content to be among those who appreciate the eccentrics and encourage them onward. The road to the stars is fraught with great difficulties. Because of the odd ones, I believe we are up to this task.
Feels good to get back to my old routines after a few days of disruptions. The new floors in my house are working well. Much easier to keep clean than carpet. I’m settling in back into my wing of the house nicely. Getting ready for the final stretch before Christmas.
I have a cold. Can’t breathe through my nose and have sneezing fits. Not much I can do except keep up the fluids, take vitamin C pills, and let it run its course. It’s a pity to get sick right before Christmas.
Sleeping in my recliner most nights. I no longer have back or knee pain. Haven’t had problems with either in over three weeks. I do walk around some everyday in the process of rebuilding my heart strength. Started lifting arm weights again. Adapting to my new winter routines nice.
I managed to stay stable during the disruption to my routines over the last few days. I slept most of the time the workers were at my house installing the new flooring. Just put in some ear plugs and closed my eyes. I didn’t even realize I was asleep most of the day they were here.
The last few days have been hectic in my home. We took out all the carpets in favor of laminate flooring. That project was finished just this afternoon.
While it has been a disruption to my routines for the last few days, I’m glad it’s finally done. I’m willing to endure a few days of annoyance and inconvenience in order to solve a problem for the next twenty years. I’m hoping that without carpet trapping so much dirt, my allergies will subside.
I’ve noticed the acoustics in the house are better already. The sounds of footsteps are nowhere near as muffled. But the carpet was over twenty years old and showing signs of wear and tear. Glad we got it done before Christmas.
The floors are new, and just in time for the New Year. New Year’s has always been one of my favorite holidays. Used to go to New Year’s Eve dances all the time with my friends when I was in high school. Went to the local dive bars that had live music most years when I still lived in Kearney, Nebraska. Kearney was a college town, so there were always concerts going on at the local clubs.
Overall, I’ve lost 170 pounds since the start of 2020. I eventually want to get back to my old high school weight. Started lifting arm weights again. I can get anywhere in my house now without a wheelchair. I’m now rebuilding my endurance and heart strength. It will take at least another couple years. I’m not where I want to be yet, but I am on the right track.
We are currently in the process of getting new floors in my parents’ house. We’re taking out all of the carpet and replacing with laminate flooring. It will be easier to keep clean and trap less dirt than carpet. So, I’m dealing with the disruption to my day to day.
This is a welcomed change. I never did like carpet. It traps too much dirt and is a pain to keep clean. A few days’ worth of disruption to my routine for a problem that I won’t have to deal with again in my lifetime is worth it.
I do have allergies occasionally. Mostly due to dust. I had allergies really bad when I lived in rural areas due to all the corn dust and everything else living near farms and ranches entail. Not only are my sneezes loud, but they can also be painful. They also draw too much attention.
Removing the carpet in my house should take care of much of the dust problem. The process should be complete by December 18th. Just in time for Christmas.
Other than immediate family, I have no plans for Christmas. My brother and his family are hosting a huge four day get together. I probably won’t be going, at least not in person. I don’t do well in crowds. I’ve been doing so well for many weeks now. I don’t want to risk ending the winning streak.
Another day of being mentally stable. Haven’t had any kind of breakdown in over three months. It helps that I avoid stressful people and conflict as much as possible. Do most of my socializing online these days. It’s just easier to type what I’m thinking than just verbalize it. My illness makes me pick up on subtle cues very easily. I often pick up conflicting cues. Makes it really tough to read people, especially in person.
Since many of my in-person experiences have been quite negative over the years, the default is that when someone goes out of their way to see me, I assume I’m in trouble. My family thinks it’s tragic that I always assume the worst when people come to see me in person. It’s even worse when I am summoned into an authority figure’s office on their terms. I’m keenly aware of power dynamics to the point it’s crippling.
Staying up late most nights the last several weeks. Get my best sleep in the late mornings. I sleep half of the time in my recliner and the other half in my bed. Seems to be easier on my back that way.
Pain
My joint pain is completely gone. Has been for a couple weeks now. My routine for joint pain involves Tylenol, Turmeric, Glucosamine Chondroitin, and Hemp Oil. My pains are in check enough that I am now working on strengthen my heart again. When I was in long term care this time a year ago, I was doing physical rehab three times a week at minimum. Sure, the knees hurt some, but once I convinced my doctor to put me on regular Tylenol every day, the pain cleared up enough for me to get through the rehab.
Physical Health
I always enjoyed lifting weights, so I often went into the rehab room to lift on days I wasn’t scheduled for rehab. I even lifted on weekends as the rehab staff was kind enough to leave one part of the rehab room unlocked on the weekends and holidays for those who were really dedicated to getting better. We even had a couple 90-year-old residents who were retired farmers in my facility who did rehab just to keep moving.
Blood Pressure
My blood pressure is still good. I check myself once a week. Still retaining water, mostly in my groin area. But with some extra water pills, the swelling has gone down considerably in the last few days. The water retention is due to congestive heart failure. Once I had water retention bad enough, I was able to lose like 30 pounds just off water loss in only two weeks. Wasn’t enjoyable having to urinate many times a day, but the mobility drastically improved at the end of those two weeks.
Housing Situation
Still on the waiting list for Oklahoma City Housing Authority for once a handicap accessible apartment becomes available. It’s best for me and my family I do move out on my own once a place becomes available.
Interpersonal Relations
My parents and I are definitely set on our ways and have different priorities and schedules. In many ways I’m the opposite of most of my family. We still support each other. They have owned up to past mistakes and are making amends. Life’s too short to be holding grudges forever. I’ve made my peace with my past.
It’s been almost two weeks since I had any pain while walking or standing. I don’t need a wheelchair or a walker to get anywhere in the house anymore. I still like to keep my hands free as much as possible in case I have to brace on a wall or sturdy piece of furniture. I don’t even have back pain after lying in bed for five hours. I’m now onto strengthen my heart. I can get in and out of cars easily. I need the wheelchair only if I have to go long distances in public. I still breathe kind of hard after standing for a few minutes. Even that is getting easier. I still get short of breath, but the recovery times are improving every few days.
Still working on getting rid of the excess water retention. Been taking an over-the-counter diuretic for a few days. The problem is mostly solved now. Should be completely cleared within a few more days. It’s so much easier to move and walk now that I’m not carrying excess water. I’ve also forced myself to limit my fluid intakes for several days.
Finally got over my cold. It had been hanging on since Thanksgiving. I usually get one bad cold every year in late November or early December. I don’t have any doctors’ appointments until after Christmas.
I had forgotten how good it feels to walk without knee or back pain. First time since 2019 I haven’t had to deal with either. Now I’m onto getting my heart healthy again. I think I’m also losing weight again. I usually go more by how my clothes fit and how easily I can accomplish things as opposed to checking numbers on a scale every few days.
I’ve been here in Oklahoma for ten months. The only thing I haven’t accomplished yet is getting my own apartment. I’m on the waiting lists for several places in the OKC metro area. I’ve already been approved for the program; they are just waiting for a handicap accessible apartment to come open. After living with family for ten months after being on my own for over 18 years, I’m ready to move onto the next chapter of my life. My recovery from heart failure has gone better and faster than I thought it would when I started this back in May 2022.
A Life Of Mental Illness 