I’m Tired

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I’m still feeling depressed and anxious most of the time.  Fortunately I don’t feel a lot of anger and frustration.  Maybe I’m just too depressed to be angry anymore.  I did manage to leave my apartment and do some shopping the other day.  Other than that about the only time I leave my apartment is to buy food.  I hate that I hole up so much, especially with as beautiful as the fall leaves are.  But even almost one year after my accident I am still scared to drive.  I have been to my parents’ house only once this entire year.  I skipped out on Easter because I was scared of the possibility of family conflict concerning politics and current events.  I hope I’m being excessively paranoid but with schizophrenia the feelings of paranoia are so overpowering it just as well be real.  And unfortunately most of my family are politics and news junkies.  All of my psychiatric breakdowns this year were due to stress caused by politics and current events.  I imagine most of my non mentally ill readers think I’m being weak for having breakdowns over politics and current events.  But I don’t care anymore.  I’ve had people tell me that I’m not a ‘real man’ because I don’t have a wife or paid employment.  Well, your Jesus didn’t have a wife or paid employment during his ministry.  I guess he was a loser too, eh? I just don’t want to deal with the lack of empathy and lack of understanding anymore.  I prefer to stay home anymore because I see only lifeless and angry faces on the people I meet in public anymore.  And a while back I was trolled by some jerk I had no connection to just because I was advocating for more peace and understanding in the world.  I’m just tired of fighting a losing battle.  I’m just tired of people always being mean and angry to each other.  I’m tired of not seeing progress.

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Author: alifeofmentalillness

I write about my experiences with mental illness and life in general. I am also currently under going 'lifestyle changes' (I hate the term 'dieting' as it's sounds so temporary) and have lost 70 pounds since spring 2014. I've put my poetry and novel writing on lower priority since I started losing weight and blogging more seriously.

5 thoughts on “I’m Tired”

  1. I feel similar at times,
    Today, I went three places and nothing got resolved. I choose to be nice to people but they choose to walk over me and pass me along to the next Dr like im just a number.
    Walked away from the psychiatrist and therapist today, searching again… Family is all but gone.
    Keep going, try is all I can seem to muster.
    Be well…

  2. A lot of emotion surrounding this current election. I myself have decided to forego the next debate, if they’re foolish enough to have it. It’s sensory over-load. I understand what you’re saying and will say to you what I keep saying to myself, “This too shall pass.” Sometimes the mentally ill are the only ones who aren’t crazy. Your feelings sound valid to me. and you are one of the most worthwhile people I know. Please keep writing. You’re the life preserver to more than you know.

    1. Well I try hard though some days it seems like I’m not getting through to people. Yeah, I will be glad when the mass insanity of the election is over and just a bad memory. I’ll probably just take a week or two and try to unwind from all the tension that has been building for the last year and a half.

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