After a few days of preventative maintenance and taking more note of my mental well being, I think the feelings of anxiety, irritability, and depression are starting to dissipate. Sure I had to isolate for a couple days and I did sleep more than usual, but it seems to have worked. Overall I’m feeling more stable and I did leave my complex a couple times yesterday just to get some sunshine and make sure my car still runs properly. I don’t drive as much as I used to. But then I can do most of my socializing at home via phone calls, social media, and my blog. I don’t deal with nearly as much negativity as I once did. Two years ago, it was almost unbearable. But I have since learned who and what to avoid and I don’t closely follow anyone besides family, close friends, and discussion groups I’m interested in. Thank goodness for the unfollow buttons. I lost a few friends before I discovered what useful and tactful tools they could be. Even though the tempers have cooled some since the darkest days, I’m still kind of afraid to reestablish contact with people I’ve cut out or have cut me out. Hopefully it’s just the paranoia talking and not hard reality.
As it is anymore I rather enjoy staying home. I sometimes don’t even mind hosting guests. I’ve hosted college friends several times over the years. And I even hosted the previous two Foster family Christmas celebrations. The only real request I have is give me at bare minimum a few days notice. I am self conscious about my place and have come to accept that no matter how much I do with it, it isn’t going to please anyone but me. I never did just subjective crap like that when the goal line wasn’t universal but different for everyone. Even in high school speech and one act plays, I didn’t care about the awards and trophies. I mainly wanted to hear the audience laugh and think because of my performances.
I’m glad that summer is all but over. We have had some cooler and cloudy days lately mixed in the excessive heat typical of a Nebraska August. Makes me think that fall and winter are on the way. And I’ve always done my best writing and creative work during the cold weather. I also like some of the not so over the top Christmas decorations, New Year’s Day college football games, and being able to buy discounted chocolate after Valentine’s Day. I think that winter and spring are my favorite times of year. That is one thing I like about living in Nebraska; we get to experience all the seasons. Sure we don’t have the beautiful foliage of New England, the massive snows of Minnesota, or summer in it’s full hot and humid glory like the Southern states, but we get a little of everything here. And yes, the conditions of my mental illness do change with the seasons. But I usually have my worst times in late summer and my best times in late winter and spring. I do love the changes of the seasons.