I’m still sleeping more than I would like. But I really think I often sleep just out of boredom or lack of stimulation. In some ways I feel like a zoo animal where I have my basic needs met yet I feel something fundamental is missing. I speak of course of social interactions.
As much as I enjoy being an adult, one of the things I miss about high school and college is being around intellectually stimulating peers and taking challenging classes. Now that I’ve been in the ‘real world’ for thirteen years, I now realize just how rare and special those interesting class discussions and all night conversations really were. It saddens me that I’ll never have that back. I didn’t lose that from lack of trying to keep social networks up. I lost many of my friends from moving out of state, starting careers, starting families, etc. It’s painful not to have intelligent conversations. I crave intellectual and mental stimulation every day. I can’t go through a day without reading a book or online journal. Learning is my drug of choice. It gives me a jolt that no drug, woman, booze, or money could possibly give me.
Now that I am an adult starting to get a little gray in my beard, I am painfully realizing just how rare intelligent people and good conversations are. Few people in my low income housing complex talk about anything besides how they don’t enough money from disability and gossip about fellow residents. And it gets quite boring really quick. After about five minutes of hearing such drivel I’m ready to go back home and watch youtube. It’s absolutely frustrating not having interesting people to talk to. I am not hard wired to just sit on a park bench, smoke cigarettes, and complain about how bad the world sucks.
Intelligence has been both a blessing and a curse for me. Being smart has allowed me to keep writing a blog inspite of a severe mental illness. It has also helped me stay out of money problems. I have friends who make much more than I do but their finances are worse than mine because they couldn’t stay out debt or just bought junk they don’t need to impress jerks they don’t like. But intelligence has also murdered my social life. For some odd reason, most people I have met over the course of my life (especially since I left college) just hate intelligence. And it’s frustrating. I wonder if a hatred of intellectual things is just a rural thing, an American thing, or if it’s just cross cultural and smart people are just condemned to have lousy social lives while benefiting an ungrateful humanity with their accomplishments. Mental illness is lonely enough. Being intelligent with a mental illness is a double curse.