Another month is off to a decent start.  Got the bills and rent paid, my fridge and pantry is restocked, and I’m now set for awhile.  I don’t have much planned for this week.  I probably won’t be having guests until my cleaning person arrives in a few days.  Since my parents and most of my friends now live out of state, I don’t get much for company anymore.  But then, most of my friends are married and have families of their own.  They have families and careers.  Whereas with a mental illness, I was forced into early retirement I guess.  But even though I don’t have a paying job, I still try to stay busy.

I usually do this blog an average of twice a week.  It has been a regular thing for over five years now.  While I have no delusion I will ever earn enough to get off disability from my writing, I still write.  At this point I don’t really care if I do get discovered and make money.  I enjoy having creative freedom and having a niche audience.  I suppose I write this, in part, as cheap therapy and as a public journal.  It probably isn’t much more than the day to day struggles and victories of a rather ordinary man with schizophrenia.  Even after living with this illness since my late teens, I still don’t have it all figured out.  Some things change over the years.  I don’t do much driving or going out in public as I used to.  But I have less desire to wander and am less restless.  I find it easier to concentrate on mental tasks than even a few years ago.  I have also found I have lost some of my physical strength and endurance now I am almost forty.  But I don’t get sick as often anymore.  It’s been something like four years since I had a cold.  Haven’t had to take anti biotic medication in at least ten years.  Haven’t been to a mental hospital in six years.  Haven’t been an overnight patient in the hospital in almost ten years.  So I must be doing some things right.  As I have lost some strengths and abilities, I have also picked up others.

I guess I’m not bothered by the fact I am entering middle age as much as I thought I would be.  When I was in college, I found it easier to imagine myself as a seventy year old than a forty year old.  I guess the only thing about getting older that bothers me is how aches and pains can come up for no apparent reason.  I am now planning my days and activities with pains in mind.  Sometimes certain foods can make pain worse.  I have found too much caffeine can make my muscles tight and sore.  I found that eating too much grain based food can leave me lethargic and weighed down.  Too much sugar can make me jittery.  Lots of leafy green vegetables make me feel pretty decent as do most fresh vegetables and less sugary fruits.  Greek yogurt and cheddar cheese are about the only dairy products I like anymore.  And I don’t eat much for salty foods.  I occasionally get a craving for Doritos chips, but after a bag or two that craving will be satisfied for weeks.