Haven’t been writing lately. Been having a rough go the last several days. Finally had a breakdown a few days ago and a second one just yesterday. I still feel like I’m putting the pieces back together. I hate that I have breakdowns. Unfortunately, it seems the only way I can let go of much of the pain and depression that comes with my mental illness.
I get that it’s not socially acceptable for me to rant and rave as a way of dealing with my mental illness. But it is also unmanly for me to cry or even show any sign of weakness. I can’t even cry at this point in my life. I haven’t broke down and cried in over fifteen years. I didn’t cry at any of my grandparents funerals or even my nephew’s funeral. I guess after years of being told to ‘man up’, ‘straighten up’, ‘snap out of it’, ‘what you whining for’, and ‘I’ll give you something to cry about’ I am literally unable to express sadness. It’s not manly to cry so I don’t. Yet I put off expressing any distress as long as I can because it’s not socially acceptable to rave and verbally express anger. Of course this is a vicious cycle that has become predictable to me. I only fear that someday when I’m having a breakdown at home, my neighbors will call the cops on me and I’ll lose my apartment. And having a breakdown in public would be even worse, knowing my countrymen’s attitudes towards carrying concealed firearms and violence. I fear for my own life anymore. I can’t vent about my problems in a cathartic way for fear of repercussions and even physical violence against myself. And if I were to get shot by anyone, my side of the story would never be heard by anyone, not even my family. Hell, the person that shoots me will be hailed as a hero even though I am never armed. Tell me again how we are a compassionate and civilized society.
It’s because of fears and anxieties like this I almost never leave my home. I still sleep a lot but some days that’s all I want to do. I want the fear and pain to go away. I want to stop living in fear of my neighbors and people I talk to online. I even fear my relatives anymore. I haven’t gone to family reunions in several years for fear of having a breakdown in case the conversations turn to controversial things. I have ended contact with a significant portion of extended family members because of their hateful attitudes about politics, science, and religion. I haven’t even spoken to my own brother in over two years. It seems like I do better with complete strangers I meet only online than I do with most of my old friends and family. About the only people I hear from on a regular basis I have known for more than five years are my parents, my best friend from high school, and my best friend from college. I ended the friendship with my second best friend from college because of his attitudes towards politics and religion. I asked him to tone it down, at least online, he told me to stop being triggered and he didn’t care what I wanted. So I ended the friendship. Angers me that most people care far more about politics and religion and money than they ever did even their best friends and family.
I really don’t know why I put myself out there like this. It only makes me look weak and needy. But I am burned out from always having to be on guard even around those I love. I am tired of losing friends and family members. Even before the whole world decided to go insane all at once I had troubles making friends. I didn’t have the same interests as most people and I find it impossible to dumb down for most people. I have to vent, even if no one in my friends and family has any empathy. I have to for my own sanity.